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This Week With Caliber

Hey guys. As you know, or have forgot entirely, the entire month of June is dedicated to WCW on WWE Classics On Demand. So, I thought for my columns, I'd do the same, reviewing material that Classics gives me. This week, I'm going through the shorties. I'll be reviewing 3 matches from there that I've never seen, one of which is the Doomsday Cage match, and I'll also be going over two classic WCW moments. One of them being The Finger Poke of Doom. An event that, on second watch, had a bucket of money ready for whoever pulled it off right.




 Doomsday Cage Match - Uncensored, March 24th, 1996
The Mega Powers vs Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, The Faces of Fear, Lex Luger, Kevin Sullivan, Z-Gangsta, & The Ultimate Solution
The match starts off with The Mega Powers against Flair & Anderson. Right away, you see just how badly this whole idea isn't going to work. The guys barely want to move on the unsported cage floor, so we get ourselves A LOT of punching. Thankfully though, they get a little more courage, and instead of punching they try some punching instead. No, I'm kidding, they just keep on punching. So, because The Mega Powers put Arn & Flair in a pair of Figure 4's, they're allowed to use the trap door to the 2nd floor. Down here, it's The Faces of Fear, along with Kevin Sullivan & Lex Luger. I know you guys think they're going to punch a lot, but you're wrong, they really punch a lot. Hogan locks the door in the middle, so now it's Hogan v Task, and Luger v Macho. They seriously stretch this bullshit for like, 10 minutes. Instead of going to the ring in the cage, they walk out to the ring where everyone else who was at least half-sane wrestled. Once there, they can now actually wrestle, so they punch. I'm going to assume that the reason they took forever to get to the bottom of the cage, is because The Ultimate Solution, and Z-Gangsta were late. Once they get there, this God-awful mess just continues. Finally, The Booty Man shows up, giving The Mega Powers frying-pans and powder, the biggest foot up a tag-team could hope for. 

I always like the idea of Ed's wife talking about him at the office, or a party or something:

"What's your husband do for a living?"

"he's a wrestler"

"Oh, who's he wrestle as?"

"Well, right now it's a cross between a leaf-blower and a chupacabra. At one time he was The Zodiac. But, before you get judgmental, he was a double agent for Hulkamania."

Then that always gets me to thinking about Mrs. Doubtfire 2, starring Scott Steiner.

"You can't do your homework! Cuz...your just ass stupid! And I got da largest arms in da world! and your a dumb kid, with a stupid face and got a small dick and can't do your mom right which why i got to cuz im...and your dumb and I'm da Big Bad Booty Assfire!"

I got a bit off-track.

The ending is fantastic, as Luger puts on the loaded glove, which just looks like a driving glove, and goes to hit Savage, who's being held by Flair. Of course, this is going to be the classic "face ducks at the last second" sorta thing. However, Luger's timing is terrible, so he stalls for a second after Macho ducks and hits
Flair. The Mega Powers then win by exiting the door. Which they'd already done about 30 times or so. But then they realize that Flair hasn't been pinned yet, so Macho runs back in to make the quick pin. Really? Task Master? Z-Gangsta? Ultimate Solution? None of these guys could suffer the loss? If Ultimate Solution
were to lose, would Bulletproof not done as well at the box-office, because I saw Bledsoe get pinned? Great film, by the way.
(The Mega Powers exit the cage, then Macho Man pins Flair at 25:16)
Rating: -*****

Easily the worst main event ever. Now, Hogan v Warrior often gets -*****, but it's entertaining in how bad it is. This, this is just slow, boring, and without an ounce of entertainment.

WCW Nitro, October 2nd, 2000 - San Fransisco 49ers Match for the World Heavyweight Title
Booker T vs Jeff Jarrett

Before we even get to the match, we get a great example of WCW's ineptitude. Before Booker's music starts, it's a clip of him saying "Don't hate the player, hate the game". Really? This was suppose to get over better than "can you dig it, sucka?".

Good thing they have such an obnoxious, and stupid stipulation. Because they had a pretty good match at Bash at the Beach, unencumbered by any stupid gimmicks, and God forbid they get to try again. On the 2nd bump in the ring, a box falls, which ends up containing a blow-up doll. What if it had been the box with the belt? Then what? Would it have just sat there? Or would a ref have to sit on the turnbuckle holding it? Booker opens the 2nd box, and it's a framed picture of Scott Hall, who hadn't been seen since February. They must have loved that the photo of Hall got the biggest pop they'd had in about a year. A pile-driver on the announce table prompts Tony to say "holy Christmas", showing that Axel from Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter is in fact a hero of his. The 3rd box, contained a gardening glove like my mom had. Of course, since it's WCW, it's a coal miner's glove, and it's loaded. How is it suppose to be loaded? Now I have
to deal with them fighting over the glove, in order for them to have the power. I mean, this is insulting beyond reason. I'm willing to bet that if anyone were to be hit by a car, it wouldn't have just been a car, but a LOADED car. Now, since the person can only win by grabbing the belt, they do the 3-arm-drop sleeper spot. Which even Madden calls into question. They're both down, and the ref does the 10 count.
Huh, Madden says if Jarrett gets the belt, it'll be his 5th WCW Title win. As you know, I'm recapping WCW from the year 2000. Well, I'm at the 3rd PPV of the year, at the end of March, and Jarrett still hasn't won it. So that means he wins it 4 fucking times in 6 months.  Jarrett tries to get his guitar from under the ring, but it's stuck on something. He literally tries for about a minute, but he can't. How on Earth can this match go on without a busted guitar?  Well, they some how manage, as Beetlejuice comes out and punches Jarrett in the dick about 6 times. Booker grabs the final box, busts it open, it falls, and the announcer hands it
to Booker. Am I the only one shocked that Russo didn't swerve us by making the announcer the champion?
(Booker T drops the belt and has the announcer hand it to him at 13:06)
Rating: * 1/2

It's a bummer, because during the spots where they're just, you know, wrestling, it's good. But unfortunately that's few and afar.


SuperBrawl VII - February 23rd, 1997 - World Heavyweight Tag-Team Championship Match
The Outsiders [C] vs The Giant

The Outsiders do the rock-paper-scissors thing to see who goes in first, and as a kid I thought that was the coolest thing in the World. Giant handles Scott, who tags in to Nash. A drop kick sends Big Sexy to the outside, as Giant follows suit. He picks up Nash and smashes him into the ring post, which is smart, to weaken up Nash's back. Back in, Syxx hits Giant with the belt, Hall with a bulldog, and Nash hits the big boot. Is it just me, or are WCW refs, besides Charles Robinson, the dorkiest looking people on Earth? With respect to the deceased Brian & Pee Wee Anderson. They continue the triple teaming, getting the Giant against the wall, and actually creating some pretty good drama. Nash actually powerbombs The Giant in grand fashion, but it wrecked Nash's back. At this point, Luger comes out, cast and all, begging for the hot tag. He gets in, lays people out with his cast, then racks Nash, who taps. The bell rings, they get the
belts, but then The Giant chokeslams Hall and pins him for the 1-2-3. Why, I don't know. Probably so they can soliditfy the win. Yup, Tony even says that's why they did it, so there's no way they take the belts from them. Of course, that's exactly what they did the next night, since Luger wasn't cleared. I mean, they've had the tag-belts for almost a year at this point, and this is, what, the 3rd time they got the belts back in that fashion? 
(Luger taps out Nash, and The Giant pins Hall at 8:53)
Rating: ***1/4

Honestly, I really enjoyed the match. The wrestling was a lot more than I expected, the drama worked with Giant having the odds stacked against him. Luger made the save, and it all clicked.


The Moments - 
They didn't actually have any moments on Classics, just matches. So, I thought I'd grab two of my favorite moments, and give'em the once over. Any favorite moments you guys have chambered?

The Man of 1,000 1,004 Holds
Chris Jericho in WCW, the heel run, is my favorite character of all time. His angle with Malenko as well as Goldberg were about as entertaining as they get. Plus, they both showed the greatness of Jericho, as he got both angles over without the direct involement of the other person.

In this masterpiece, Jericho had just finished dispatching Marty Janetty, a big thrill for him I'm pretty sure, and he pulls out a stack of printer paper. Right away it's hilarious, because it's MS-DOS printer paper, which was all but extinct in 1998. Unless you're Hollywood Video, then you use that stuff up until you file for Chapter 11 in 2010. As it goes, Jericho says Malenko only knows 60 holds. But Jericho, he knows 1004, baby.

Hold One! ARM DRAG
Hold Two!  ARM BAR
Hold Three! THE MOSS COVERED THREE HANDLED FAMILY GRUDUNZLE
Number Four!  ARM BAR
Number Five! THE SASKATCHEWAN SPINNING NERVE HOLD
Number Eight! ARM BAR
Number Nine! SHOOT STAR STAPLE SUPER PRESS
Number Ten! RIGHT HANDED PUNCH

We go to commercial break, which during Jericho insults the crowd and such to get them riled. Once we return...
Hold Number 712 - ARM BAR
Hold Number 713 - THE MELUNZULAH
Hold Number 714 - THE CANADIAN
Hold Number 723 - THE JERICHO SCREWDRIVER TWIST
Hold Number 305 - THE SUPER BLIZZARD

Prince Iaukea comes out, and since I've been watching WCW 2000, I can truly say that PI is 1000 times more interesting like this, than when he wrestles in a leisure suit. Jericho is still naming holds as Prince tells him that he was also trained by Boris Malenko, and he won't stand by while this happens! Jericho backs down, with a massive snowball of paper, and screams at the ref;

"Give me my holds! My holds!"

It's just so perfectly done. Like he absolutely has to have that list. How dare they keep his holds from him.

Jericho said in Lion's Tale that his comedic masterpiece was the conspiracy stuff in DC, but nothing beats the 1004 holds.


The Finger Poke of Doom -
The 4th major mistake of 5 that sealed the fate of WCW, and it truly didn't have to be this way. 

The night started with Miss Elizabeth saying that Goldberg had been stalking her, and thus they had him arrested. Which, if you know about stalking cases in real life, that never happens. The girl or guy is
stalked relentlessly, and in a very scary manner. They go to the police a bunch of times, the police don't do shit. The person files a restraining order, the stalker sees that as a way of said person
saying that they love them. They ignore the order, and usually end up killing the person. But, in this case, Goldberg is arrested.

Hogan's in the building, as some say he's here to announce his retirement, and his run for office. However, since Goldberg isn't around, he'll beat up "that spoon" Kevin Nash. The World is agog
at the news of Hogan vs Nash for the World Title. Now, to keep viewers, they let us all know that Mankind is going to the win the WWE title, in one of WCW's classic moments.

Nash & Hogan make their way to the ring. The announcers say that no matter what, they're staying with it, all night. This isn't a pretaped match. Scott Steiner is in Hogan's corner, and Hall is in Nash's. The crowd is huge, and they seem really amped for the bout. Meanwhile, Goldberg has just been released from jail, as Miss Elizabeth has admitted Goldberg never raped her. Or, stalked her, if you will.

They play the stall game, as the crowd just gets hotter. Nash shoves Hogan into the corner, as Hogan plots his rebuttal. He rears back and pokes Nash in the chest, as he takes a huge bump and lays down for the 1-2-3. Steiner, Hall, Nash and Hogan all celebrate in the ring, as Goldberg finally arrives and rushes towards the ring. Once he comes out, the crowd erupts.

Steiner runs, gets a boot to the face, Hall gets flipped, Nash gets kicked, then Hogan takes two sissy ass belt shots to Goldberg's back, which he sort of sells. It's a spear for Hogan, as Lex comes to Goldberg's defense. He goes to Jackhammer Hogan when BOOM! Lex turns on him. The nWo Elite beat the hell out of Goldberg at this point, and honestly, as you watch it, you start seeing all the ways for them to make money off of this. Hell, I hate Goldberg, and seeing this makes me wish they'd have had him just tear through these guys until he got to Nash. Having Hogan be the top dog had been done, it should have been building up to the Nash/Goldberg rematch, since Nash screwed him over. The crowd is super hot for this, and Goldberg was still a top draw. I know that he had to leave to film Universal Soldier, but they should have written him out with an injury angle or something. Not have him face Bam Bam Bigelow.

Having Bischoff do the spray-paint sound effects is really obnoxious. Seriously. He's just spitting into the damn microphone. The episode airs with the nWo celebraiting into the camera, as so, so, so
so, so many Nitros before it.


Alright, that does it for this week. I'm not sure what I'm doing for next week, so if there's anything you guys would like to see that's WCW related, let me know. Until then, thanks for reading, and if you're dying for more Caliber, I'll feed you baby birds...
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser - Top 4 lists, movie reviews, horror talk, pro-wrestling, editorials
WCW In The Year 2000 - just added a brand new Nitro. Uncensored 2000, with the apple-pie strap match, is coming soon
The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1  - my first book. 30 films in Man Movie Encyclopedia form. 5 star rating on amazon, and you can even head to my website to see what Mr. Keith himself said about it.

Comments

  1. Undertaker/Undertaker was the worst main event ever, this was at least interesting in it's stupidity. Lawler/Piper from the PPV before that and Sting/Hogan are right up there too.

    I too thought the Hall & Nash rock-paper-scissors thing was awesome.

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  2. Taker/Taker is definitely horrible and probably the biggest drop off in quality from one match to another on any card ever (if you like the Bret/Owen cage match that is).

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  3. The Sting vs. Hardy debacle also deserves a mention.

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  4. Yeah, don't know how I forgot that one...

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  5. I wouldn't mind reading your take on the first blood match Hogan and Flair had at Uncensored 1999.

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  6. HM- hhh/steiner to angle/benoit

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  7. My vote for 2nd worst main event ever (I have to agree with Caliber that the Doomsday whatever is the worst) has to be UT-Yoko, casket match, Rumble 94.

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  8. I guess technically this doesn't count as a drop off because the horrible match came first and then the great match, but going from HHH/Steiner to Benoit/Angle is a huge leap. There are probably a bunch of examples where a great match is followed by a Divas match or something to cool the crowd off.

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  9. Can I be the dickhead naysayer here and just point out that lately there seems to be a LOT of mid-90s WCW nostalgia going on around here? It's bordering on obsession. I'm starting to feel like nWo-era WCW talk is becoming another "Benoit" or "Michael Cole sucks". Whatever floats people's boats, I'm just saying it's becoming a "thing".

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  10. Yeah...by nature of how cards are presented there are bound to be tons of huge drop-offs. Pick any ***** match that doesn't close the show and you're almost bound to have relative crap following it. Case in point: what many call the greatest match of all time, Flair vs. Steamboat WrestleWar '89, is followed by a shitty Road Warriors tag match. * at best. Hell, Bret and Owen were followed by a tag match involving Dink at WMX - doesn't get much worse than that.

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  11.  I was actually gonna use WrestleWar 89 as an example, but I hadn't seen the tag match that followed Flair/Steamboat so I couldn't really cite that as an example. One I was thinking of, what's the best 1-2 punch in wrestling history. Meaning what is the best set of matches that happened back to back on a card?

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  12. HHH/Steiner is one of my favorite matches, though for all the wrong reasons.

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  13. If we're going by these standards, than everything after the MPro match at Barley Legal gets my vote.

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  14. "Which, if you know about stalking cases in real life, that never happens. The girl or guy is
    stalked
    relentlessly, and in a very scary manner. They go to the police a bunch
    of times, the police don't do shit. The person files a restraining
    order, the stalker sees that as a way of said person saying that they love them. They ignore the order, and usually end up killing the person."

    seriously, wtf?

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  15. how could those be wrong reasons if they result in it being one of your favorites?

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  16. Maybe it's the Nitro reviews making people remember it. That plus the occasional 2012 Scott Sez re-post of old Rants. I think the nostalgia is more guarded rather than the usual type, which ends up ignoring all the old bad stuff. People are more reminiscing about how hot-and-cold the show was, and how shitty certain moves looked in retrospect.

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  17.  Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. But, the blog goes through themes sometimes. I said my whole month of This Week With Caliber would be about WCW, since that's what Classics On Demand gave me, and it just so happens to be all Mid-90's stuff they have, . Plus, it's what I remember. Also, since it's what I said I was going to do, had to stick with it.

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  18.  Ah, it just bothers the hell out of me how lax stalking laws are. How cops treat them like jokes, basically. Does it belong in a wrestling review? Eh, probably not, but then again, I'm a maverick! Man, unless people are thinking that I'm a river-boat gambler, being called a maverick is so lame.

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  19.  Sting vs Hardy was fast, and at least interesting.

    Steiner vs HHH was bad, but at least it had a ton of fuck-ups that kept it entertaining.

    Hogan v Sting was terrible, but at least short, and had the greatest build of all time.

    Doomsday Cage match was almost half n hour long, and was literally nothing but punching, and one of the stupidest finishes I've ever seen.

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  20. tbh, It was Scott's rant on the match in question that made me a fan 4 LIFE of him... that match and online wrestling reviews in general.

    I never read a wrestling review and that was the one that broke my cherry. Couple that with the Zenk rants and I was a full fledged smark.

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  21.  I moved to Oregon with my girlfriend for a few months, and I hit up the local library. They had One-Ring Circus there, so I got that along with The Dark Knight Rises graphic novel.

    I still have that copy of One-Ring Circus.

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  22. Because I really enjoy shitty wrestling, as long as it's not the 15-minute chinlock kind of shitty. Sabu-Sandman and the Heroes of Wrestling main are 2 more of my favorites. I'm not sure if "wrong reasons" was quite the words I was looking for there, but I certainly wouldn't want to encourage promoters to intentionally book that sort of crap. It's not fair to the general ticket and PPV buying public.

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