Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Only Review Of AWE: Night of Legends That You'll Ever Need


For those who don't know, AWE stands for Awesome Wrestling Entertainment. That is exceedingly bad. 

The show starts off with us being told that AWE is made in America. Well, it's pretty obvious since no other country would be able to come up with something as stupid as Awesome Wrestling Entertainment. The arena looks a lot like the early TNA shows, and it seems to be a somewhat upscale production. 


Our hosts are Chris Cruise, Dutch Mantell, and Larry Zybysko. 


 
Tommy Dreamer vs. Terry Funk - No DQ Match

I could be a fool for looking forward to this, but I am, dammit. Apparently the match was scheduled for later in the card, but we're told that Tommy and Funk went to the promoter and demanded it go on first. It has to be true, and in no way indicative of anyone being too old and/or injured. I'd like to state right now that Chris Cruise is one of the worst announcers I've ever heard. He's actually making me wish that LARRY would talk more, so what's that tell you? This match is terrible and even calling it a match is a stretch. Why they stuck a capable guy like Tommy out there with someone like Funk, I'll never know. There's some punches, some terrible headbutts, Funk stumbling about, the use of some solid plastic chairs, and that's about it. The ending comes out of nowhere, and on top of that it's confusing. It looks like a two count, but the ref says three. The announcers don't know what's going on, and the only good news is that the match is over. This is probably just a flub, the ***** classics are right around the corner, I'm sure of it. 
Tommy Dreamer defeats Terry Funk with a roll-up at 4:01 | DUD


Oh good, now they're recapping it, and giving us highlights of something that had no highlights. That's what I get for complaining about Raw recapping the blazing inferno 324 times in one night. 

Chris Graham interviews Jamin. This guy looks like the kid from Surf Ninjas who controls things with his Game Gear. [I'm Uncle Iggy!] This Chris Graham guy is God-awful. I'm sensing a heaping dose of nepotism regarding his job, as he reminds me of Joe Bob Briggs in Casino. Possessing absolutely zero craft in the art of conducting an interview, Chris makes the fact that Jamin can't cut a promo sort of like your face being put on fire and putting it out with salt. I really hope this is the last we see of Chris. 

We now join Bill Apter, who looks to be about 103, as he interviews Sonjay Dutt. The best part of the interview is when Sonjay says he's "G'd up from the feet up" and Bill Apter, looking to be about 135 years old, looks at the camera, shaking his head, yes, with a look of "Yup. From the feet to the top of his head, Mister. He looks just like Two Pack."


 
Jamin Olivencia vs. Sonjay Dutt
We get a sweet spot where Jamin kips up, but Sonjay slaps the hell out of him the second he's upright. The rest of the match is nothing special, basically what you'd find in any X-Division match on iMPACT. Jamin is really annoying, and not the good kind either. Another flub, that classic has GOT to be happening soon. 
Jamin kicks Sonjay in the balls for the pin at 10:30 | **1/2

We get footage of the contract signing for the main event. It's great as Ricky Morton, one half of Team Del Boca Vista grabs the mic and says "Everybody is talking about how Ricky Morton hates Kevin Nash. You wanna know why? Well, just go to the internet and type in "Ricky Morton hates Kevin Nash." What a captivating promo. 

Chris Graham is back, and I'm angry. CW Anderson gives a decent promo. He's gonna send Perry Saturn back to the bridge that he crawled out from underneath of. 

Bill Apter, looking to be about 190 years old, talks with Perry Saturn, and says this is one of the greatest sports comebacks in history. That in no way is a raging exaggeration, either. Perry honors all great promos that have come before him in history by saying "CW Anderson, he may kick my ass, but he's gonna have to." WHAT THE HELL does that mean?! Yes, I'm going to drive to the store today, but if I'm gonna drive to the store… then I have to drive to the store!


CW Anderson vs. Perry Saturn - Winner gets a sandwich

Perry isn't in the same he was 13 years ago, but he looks decent. If his attempt at a comeback is genuine, then I wish him all the best. A little after the match starts, Perry dives out of the ring to get Anderson, only to be nailed in the head with a chair. I'm always interested by family genetics, and certain things that can carry over, such as the Andersons being allergic to working out. Again, nothing worth seeking out, and something you'd see on ECW TV near the end, which isn't a good thing. 
Perry Saturn hits a roll up and the pin at 10:20 | *3/4

Chris Graham is back. Urge to kill is through the roof. He interviews Mohammad Akbar. Honest to God, this is the WORST xenophobic 'foreign bad guy' of all time. I'm not kidding. I mean, his name is Mohammad Akbar for the love of fuck! Why don't they get an Asian guy with super buck-teeth, who comes to the ring in a Japanese Zero? Man, the brilliant people behind AWE are going to LOSE THEIR MINDS in 20 years when they come up with the awesomely clever and original idea of an evil GM/owner trying to snuff out the top babyface rebel. 

Bill Apter, looking to be about 230 years old, interviews Duggan. It's about as you'd expect, but it's FAR more interesting, and FAR greater than any other interview from tonight.


Mohammad Akbar vs. Jim Duggan

Mohammad comes to the ring and talks about why they should hate him. Seriously? Couldn't they just have him rip up a fan’s sign? Or call someone fat? Isn't there a picture of Ronald Regan that he could have a beef with? As expected, it's very 80s. A few punches, the sleeper spot, then Duggan sets up for his three-point stance deal and does a clothesline. This match? Not No. 1, hack-pewtooy!
Duggan hits the clothesline and the pin at 5:12 | DUD

At least Duggan looks like he's genuinely having a good time. 

Chris Graham interviews Alex Silva. I can't tell what's going on with him. I think he's doing some sorta idiot savant gimmick, I'm not sure. Either way, this is NOT improving this PPV, or my mood. 

Bill Apter, looking to be about 279 years old, interviews Fit Finlay. Much to the surprise of no one, he gives the best interview thus far.


Alex Silva w/ Tammy Sytch vs. Fit Finlay
I must admit, I feel bad for Sunny and really hope her story ends well. One thing that isn't well is her aging. She looks rough. The match isn't much, as there are chin-locks, head-locks, scissor-locks, stalling, and not much else. Finlay is a decent wrestler, but his style doesn't lend itself very well to the ol' "go out there and go bell to bell with a youngster and get him over," and this is exactly what this was. If this had been a hardcore match, and kept it around 10 minutes, then sure. But this just didn't work. 
Alex low-blows Fit and rolls him up for the pin at 22:36 | **


Short Sleeve Sampson vs .Abo Shango - Special Attraction Match
AWE sure does play it fast and loose with the terms "special" and "attraction". Short Sleeve Sampson is a midget wrestler. Who raps. Abo Shango comes out, and he's a black guy who's doing a voodoo gimmick. Seriously? This would be like if me and Scott Keith formed a tag-team who wore face-paint and spike pads and called ourselves The Street Warriors. With Fuj as our manager, who always carries around the New York Times. Anyway, this is sort of like a Harlem Globetrotters match. There's a ton of goofy choreography, with crazy antics that involve groins and grown adults being tripped by midgets. The announcers are actually pretty funny by making fun of the ridiculousness of midgets for no absolute reason all of a sudden saying the word 'midget' is bad. Sampson rips off Scotty 2 Hotty's Worm spot, literally move for move, but he calls it the Inch Worm. Scotty could sue, it'd probably be a short trial. Yes, I do write my own jokes. For what this was, it went WAY too long. Had they kept it at around three minutes, it wouldn't have been that bad. 
Sampson lands a Frog Splash and the pin at 8:00 | DUD

Chris Cruise keeps calling Ricky Morton 'Ricky Martin'. We see some footage of Kevin Nash attacking Edgar Winter with a chair, and Edgar running to a kindly grandfather with a lazy eye. Afterward we get footage of someone named Marvin Ward getting his arm broken by Team Del Boca Vista. Midnight Express show up, although at their age, they aren't staying up till midnight. So, The 7 p.m. Express team up with Team Del Boca for the beat down on Marvin Ward, who apparently runs the AWE.

Chris Graham interviews Team Del Boca Vista, and they get the crowd mild up!

Bill Apter, looking to be about a billion years old, interviews Kevin Nash, who gives the most BORING interview I've EVER heard from him. It's incredible. You know the box that the Riddler made in Batman Forever that sucked out people's thoughts and intelligence? I swear to God that Bill Apter has a portable one of those and it's set on charisma, because not one GD person was able to give an interview above the decibel rating of dick. If Kevin Nash can't give a decent promo, then something is seriously wrong.


The Rock & Roll Express vs. Kevin Nash and DDP
The whole night there's the "mystery" about Kevin Nash's partner. You know, the mystery would be a lot better if DDP wasn't on the cover of the PPV and if we didn't see DDP in some earlier footage. The Rock & Roll Express never have to worry about being flabby and out of shape as their careers move on, simply because that's how they started their careers. Man, is Kevin Nash really supposed to be afraid of a guy one foot shorter than him with a muffin top? This is fucking embarrassing. Now Marvin Ward comes out, and gets rid of Robert & DDP. So they advertise this as a tag match for MONTHS, and immediately switch to a singles. But it's no-DQ. Now the ref is fired, and Ronnie Garvin is brought out as a special enforcer, as the crowd goes from mild to Words With Friends. I will admit though, this match is sort of picking up. Nash is beating the hell out of Ricky, and he's chugging along, refusing to give up. But from what I've read over the years, that's sort of his MO. Now of course, the second I start to praise this match, they stop to give promos. MOTHERFUCKERS. Alright, Ricky is now going on and on about the onion on his belt back in the day. He says Nash is an asshole, and it takes him about a Warrior amount of time to get that point out. Nash says he loves the business too. They shake hands, but Nash hits him with a knee and a Jack-Knife. Which Chris Cruise calls a power-slam. Nash then gives a great promo where he says of course it's all about the money. He tells people to shut up, keep buying his dolls, and the T-shirts. The economy may be down, and people may be suffering, but he ain't one of 'em. He walks out. Morton then wins via countout, in a no-DQ match. 
Nash walks out at about 10 minutes | A BIG FUCKING DUD

Another great thing is that they use an RnR photo from the 80's in the advertisement. But that Ricky Morton isn't showing up, this one is...

Showcase Showdown: Man alive, I'm livid. That show as without a doubt the lamest, most pathetic, most amateurish bullshit I've EVER seen. I've been reviewing WCW from 2000 for almost a year now, and any one of those shows blows this away by a thousand miles. This was beyond insulting. The fact that people paid to see this show should be charge enough to have this company shut down for good. I mean, they advertised this stupid tag-team main event for MONTHS, literally MONTHS. Nash's mystery partner was the whole lynch-pin of the PPV, and then they didn't even have the damn match! Instead we got Nash beating up Ricky Morton for a few minutes, because Ricky talked bad about Nash on the internet. I'm completely stunned at what I just saw. To those that have netflix, go ahead and watch the main event, it starts at the 2 hour mark. This bullshit truly has to be seen to be believed.

Respect to my editor, Steven Ferrari. More than just having an 80's pornstar name, he's the best damn editor I've ever used. 

If you're dying for more Caliber, you can find me at the following:
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser - Recently updated with a MME entry, American Ninja. I've also got other wrestling articles, horror, movie reviews, Top 4 articles, you name it. This website was asked for a prediction regarding any other websites out there, and it only had one word, "Pain".
WCW In 2000 - Recently updated with a Nitro, which is the worst one thus far. Easy.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1 - Endorsements from Scott Keith & Maddox, constant 5 star ratings on amazon, and loved by fellow BoD'ers. The only book dedicated to action movies that you can use to enhance your sports performance. Just ask Lance Armstrong, baby! No comment on whether the book gave him cancer though....

Requests? Mailbag sorta deal? Hit me up at faucetofslfame@hotmail.com or the comment section.

41 comments:

  1. Unfortunately, I remember watching Heroes of Wrestling when it aired. This seems like 2012's answer to that. Plus, with all the roll-up finishes, I have to wonder if the booker only watches Diva matches and says, "Okay, go do that!"

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  2. I started reading the first bit and decided to search for the show on Youtube and was delighted to see the full show was on there. But as I continued to read, I realised searching for the show was pretty pointless...

    Wow, that sounded awful. Not even in a 'I kind of want to see that...' awful, just flat out waste of my life awful.

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  3. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 5, 2012 at 9:10 AM

    It truly is, man. I wasn't like "ugh, this is terrible" like I am with WCW in 2000, this show made me MAD. Especially that main event. I don't think there's ever been a more insulting main event in wrestling's history.

    Then the company has the gaul to charge THIRTY DOLLARS for the DVD!

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  4. Wowza this sounds like a pathetic show

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  5. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 5, 2012 at 9:45 AM

    That doesn't even begin to describe it. Not even close.

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  6. Loved the running Apter joke, good review man.

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  7. I started watching this show on Netflix, but stopped at the Finlay match. I just couldn't take any more. The only good thing about this show was that Larry Zbyzsko got in some pretty funny lines.

    JA-MIN OLI-VENCIA!!!!!!!!!

    Now imagine that tool screaming that about 10 times during the match. That's how he gets heat.

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  8. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 5, 2012 at 10:05 AM

    Man, is that ever true. During his interview I kept wondering "why the HELL is he saying his name so much? It's obnoxious, and not in a heel way." and sure enough, that's just how he got heat. Except it didn't f'ning work whatsoever.

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  9. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 5, 2012 at 10:06 AM

    Thanks, Mr. Rama, I appreciate it.

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  10. At least Heroes of Wrestling had a shitfaced Jake the Snake giving the best/worst promo of all time. This had nothing.

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  11. Wait a minute, this was a pay per view? And it ended with the heel cutting a promo basically telling anyone who paid for this to go fuck themselves and walking out on the match? I know people here comment that Vince seems to have contempt for the fans, but this is ridiculous.

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  12. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 5, 2012 at 10:31 AM

    Yup. I'm sure the PPV cost like $20 too. Then they charged $30 for the DVD!

    They cut a promo in the MIDDLE of the main event! After changing it, after they advertised it for MONTHS. It really has to be seen to be believed...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6TJnCHXxYw

    It starts around the 2 hour mark.

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  13. Lol I only watched the Nash/Morton deal because it was an interesting premise. And I have to say it was going alright untill they stopped the match for no reason?

    How hard was it to have Nash keep stiffing Morton and chokeslam/powerbombing him and have him kickout? And then have him get an upset win.

    But that ending was just bad.

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  14. Here's the video that comes up if you Google "Ricky Morton hates Kevin Nash": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUqIJoRu024 Absolutely hilarious stuff.


    When did this PPV air? I've never heard of it until reading this review.

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  15. When did this take place? Because man, Funk has to be pushing 70 now.

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  16. I tried watching this on Netflix and I couldn't even make it past 20 minutes. This made Heroes Of Wrestling look like a stellar show.

    When people mention the worst wrestling shows of all time, how does this godawful turkey not make the cut?

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  17. A perfect example of how comedy is subjective. I found that gag totally unfunny and predictible. Gotta give you Caliber credit for sitting through this dreck though.

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  18. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 5, 2012 at 2:07 PM

    October 15th, 2011.

    I honestly had hopes for Funk & Dreamer too. Because it was only a few years earlier when he had a MOTYC with Dreamer, Foley, & Edge. Sure, there were 3 other talented guys in there, but Funk was pulling his own weight.

    The end of their match is so weird, because everyone is looking around like "Is...is this the end? Should we keep wrestling?...what is...I'm not sure what's going on..."

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  19. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 5, 2012 at 2:08 PM

    I only knew about it because of netflix

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  20. I'm a sucker for running gags, I blame Animaniacs.

    And I give Caliber lots of credit, he's gotten so much easier to read.

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  21. No problem man. I look forward to whatever you do next!

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  22. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aGvj2HIrgc

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  23. I would love to see the whole Nash/Waltman video, it's gotta be funny as all hell.

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  24. Nash is a guy I have very mixed feelings about, sometimes I think he's a genuinely moral, intelligent guy that doesn't take wrestling all that seriously, and other times I believe him to be the biggest douchebag on the planet.

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  25. Oh was that the "You wanna play 21, I got 22" one?

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  26. Either way his interviews are really funny. Waltman's too.

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  27. Probably because hardly anyone knows it exists.

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  28. True. Though I'm way more sympathetic to Waltman. Have you heard him talk about mexico and how fucked up it is?

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  29. No, but I've heard other guys talk about it, like how Antonio Pena is a total pervert and probably the biggest scumbag in wrestling, which is saying something, though Victor Quionez (or however you spell it) is right up there too. I have however seen Waltman wrestle in Mexico on Galavision (channel 404 on DirecTV, Saturday afternoons), including him giving an hilarious promo where he was totally wasted and making all these weed references.

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  30. He talked about his attempted suicide, Mr. Perfect, the plane ride from hell. There's some dark shit in there, but overall it's quite enjoyable.

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  31. I've seen the part about the plane ride from hell. Great stuff.

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  32. Oh, so it's *that* show that I scroll past probably 20 times when I'm trying to figure out what to watch.


    As a random note, I really wish WWE would add a few PPVs to their already respectable list of Netflix content.

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  33. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 6, 2012 at 5:34 AM

    Hell yeah. Can't you imagine some film called like, The Girlz Of Summer [starring Steven Ferrari, John Holmes, Ginger Lynn, Linda Lovelace, and The Fuj]

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  34. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 6, 2012 at 5:36 AM

    It is weird how comedy is subjective. Because that was my intention. I didn't want it to be unfunny, but I wanted it to be predictable. But I know what you mean, there are things I read from writers who try and be funny and it makes me cringe, and I literally feel embarrassed for them.

    Caliber Credit? I like the idea of that....

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  35. For some reason, I see those credits in a "Leave It To Beaver" type roll, with The Fuj just waltzing in and waving as his name pops up underneath.

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  36. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesDecember 6, 2012 at 10:15 AM

    Brilliant.

    You know, growing up, kids always get made fun of for their names, but you must have been the coolest cat in the land. I mean, your last name is Ferrari. What 8 year old didn't love Ferraris?

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  37. I thought the running gag had good timing - at least in my inner commentary voice while reading it.

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  38. A bad review of a bad show from a bad writer.

    You know that long running gag about Art Donovan asking people "how much does this guy weigh?" Well, you adding years to Bill Apter's age every time you mention him is sort of like that. Also, it takes serious balls to indolently type one paragraph to describe a 22-minute match and then deem it unnecessary for readers to seek other reviews because yours is the only one needed.

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