The SmarK RAW Rant – 12.10.12
Is it me, or should TLC have been called Armageddon this year like it used to be? They could have Mayan death matches and stuff.
To the mailbag!
What if Dolph Ziggler was the leader of the shield? It makes sense. He has vickys backing to do whatever he wants (despite that she has less say LATELY)...He is an internet darling that gets screwed left and right. If the Shield really was to protect "justice" Dolph Ziggler would be their number one client”
I like the cut of your jib, sir.
Live from East Rutherford, NJ
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Dolph Ziggler is out on a ladder, talking about how Cena has blown title shot after title shot, until Vince stepped in and gifted Cena yet another shot with their match at the PPV. Sheamus interrupts, smiling and joking as usual. He thinks that it’s more like to be himself against Cena for the title, which draws boos from the crowd. Interesting, but I guess the Jersey crowd would like Ziggler better. Big Show comes out and would love to smash his ignorant immigrant face in, but can’t due to contractual reasons. Welcome to the era of badass heels who play by the mandated rules. So Sheamus pushes Ziggler off his ladder since he can’t touch Show. What a dick. This “no contact” stuff is so stupid, since they’re working house shows together anyway, plus it makes both guys look like wusses. If they hate each other so much, the belt shouldn’t matter. Be a man and beat the other guy up already!
Vince McMahon introduces Vickie Guerrero, and bullies her into making Sheamus v. Dolph Ziggler tonight so he can job to the Brogue Kick yet again. And AJ v. Vickie tonight as well.
R-Truth v. Wade Barrett
Wade tosses him immediately and runs him into the apron, and back in the ring for two. Truth gets a fluke rollup for the pin at 1:51. This was nothing. ½*
Meanwhile, AJ is so excited that she bursts into the men’s locker room to tell Cena, and he’s so EMBARRASSED. Oh, the HILARITY.
#1 Contender match: The Usos v. The Primetime Players v. The Rhodes Scholars v. Epico & Primo
So the winners of this will face Rey & Sin at the PPV in a tables match to determine who will then get a title shot in the future. It must be exhausting to be the poor guys who have to come up with this stuff. The Colons work over an Uso for a while to start, and that’s pretty boring. Then he comes back with the flying splash and pins Primo at 3:10, so guess it’s elimination. We take a break, and a Player gets eliminated during the commercial! Apparently this aired on the WWE app, which is useless for us in Canada because the show isn’t live. So we’re down to the Usos and Scholars, and the Usos double-team Sandow, but Rhodes comes in to turn the tide, and Sandow drops the ELBOW OF DISDAIN for two. The crowd mocks Cody’s moustache and the Uso makes the hot tag to the other Uso, who hits the Cheeks of Fire on Cody for two. They fight on top and the flying splash hits knee this time, and the Crossroads finishes at 11:00. That was pretty much a fait accompli, although the crowd was REALLY into the Usos for some reason. **
Eve Torres v. Alicia Fox
Eve works a headlock but Fox comes back with a headscissors after an awkward sequence and gets a northern lights suplex for two. Backbreaker gets two. Eve pulls her down from the top and finishes with her neckbreaker at 2:29. Eve then poses for the photographer over the fallen Fox, which is a funny bit. ½*
CM Punk is out with his crutches to assure us that, yes, it was a real knee injury he suffered and he’s not just ducking Ryback. He starts taking shots at the Rock already, pointing out that he doesn’t need a stunt double, and he’s NOT AFFILIATED WITH THE SHIELD.
Sheamus v. Dolph Ziggler
Yes, it’s the first of our three equally important main events tonight. Sheamus works the knee right away and gets a kneecrusher for two, then elbows him down as the crowd gets behind Ziggler. Sheamus continues working the knee in the corner, but Ziggler comes back with a dropkick and they brawl out as we take a break. Back with the crowd doing dueling chants for Ziggler while Sheamus bails to recover from a chinlock. Back in, Ziggler with a neckbreaker for two. Another chinlock, but Sheamus comes back with clotheslines before hitting the corner on a charge. Ziggler gets two with the ropes, and an armbreaker gets two. Sheamus catches him with a fallaway slam and gets the forearms, but goes up and gets crotched. They fight on top, and Ziggler brings him down with an X-Factor for two. Sheamus tries the cloverleaf, but Ziggler gets the ropes, so Sheamus gets the backbreaker for two. Ziggler ducks the Brogue Kick and uses a chair for the DQ at 14:22. About time someone used one of those chairs around the ring. And as usual, Sheamus blasts him with the Brogue Kick when all is said and done. Why do 15 minutes for THAT finish? Match was good, starting dull but building as the crowd got behind Ziggler. ***
Meanwhile, Vickie is caught in a compromising position with Khali and Hornswoggle. OH THE HILARITY.
The Shield cuts a promo from their own camera, laying down the injustices they’re righting. Holy shit does Dean Ambrose sound like a star. Whatever “it” is, he’s got it. If he can back it up in the ring when he debuts, he’ll get the rocket strapped to his ass.
Alberto Del Rio v. Zack Ryder
Zack pounds away in the corner and gets two, and goes to a chinlock. Whoa, that’s OFFENSE. Del Rio puts him down with a shot to the back and goes to his own chinlock, and a backbreaker gets two. Running kick in the corner gets two. Aaaaaand, we go back to the chinlock. Zack comes back with a sunset flip for two, but Del Rio gets the german suplex for two. Double axehandle gets two. And we go to ANOTHER chinlock. Zack backdrops him to the floor and makes the comeback with the Broski boot, but ADR counters it into the armbreaker and Ryder taps as usual at 6:33. Neither guy even has a program right now, what was the point of this besides filling time? *
AJ Lee v. Vickie Guerrero
It’s the second of our main events tonight, and Brad Maddox is appointed referee for some reason. So Vickie attacks and chokes her out on the ropes, but AJ snaps and Vickie bails. AJ hauls her back in and goes for the pin, but EVIL REFEREE Brad Maddox won’t count. And then Vickie uses the Diva version of the Tiger Driver ’91, the rollup, for the pin instead. Yeah, this was pretty horrible. -*** And since they spent the whole show putting over how this is AJ’s hometown, could you expect any other finish? AJ has a screaming fit at ringside over doing a job on TV, which I guess makes her the new version of Shawn Michaels.
Antonio Cesaro v. Kofi Kingston
The boring mix-and-match booking continues tonight. Cesaro is winning on Sunday and Kofi is losing, so I’m guessing Kofi wins here. Cesaro works on the arm and takes Kofi down after a headlock, but Kofi slugs back in the corner. Kofi springboards with a forearm, but Cesaro necksnaps him on the top rope and double-stomps him for two. This crowd is obviously burned out after two hours. Cesaro chokes away in the corner and drops an elbow for two. Kofi makes the comeback, but runs into an elbow as we TAKE A BREAK?!? Jesus, it’s 1:00AM as I’m watching this and I wanna go to bed, just end this borefest already. Back with Cesaro holding a bearhug, but Kofi gets a sunset flip for two. Cesaro slams him down MMA-style for two. Gutwrench gets two. Cole talks about how Cesaro only uses free weights in the gym as if that’s supposed to mean anything to anyone who isn’t HHH. Cesaro goes to another bearhug as the crowd gets really bored with the match, but Kofi gets a weird bodypress for two. Cesaro reverses the SOS with an uppercut for two. Another SOS gets two as Cesaro grabs the ropes. Kofi misses a blind charge, but goes up with the bodypress, which Cesaro catches for a backbreaker. NEUTRALIZER finishes at 14:18. This just kept GOING. *1/2
Miz TV features the Rhodes Scholars, or as Miz calls them, the “Beardo and the Weirdo.” Holy god turn this guy heel again already. Miz makes gay jokes and then laughs at his own material in obnoxious fashion, as well as making up LIES about dissention between the Scholars. And then he declares them “The Pink and the Stink” to finish. Holy shit this last hour is just destroying my soul bit by bit. I can only imagine how crappy the ratings are gonna be.
John Cena v. Big Show
Oh god, we’ve still got 20 minutes left, so we’re gonna be here for a while. Hey remember when John Cena was DESPERATE to win Money In The Bank because Big Show as champion would be the death knell for the company? And now Show has been World champion for two months and Cena apparently doesn’t care. Anyway, Cena tries a sleeper by jumping on Show’s back and puts him down for two. An FU attempt backfires, and of course we take a break. Back with Show getting a spear for two. And then a bearhug as this show has ground me down into submission. So Cena makes his comeback, but walks into a chokeslam that gets two for Show. Cena counters the punch with the FU…and here’s the Shield for the DQ at 15:03. Yeah, this was something that happened. * And then FINALLY things pick up with a big wacky brawl with the guys who are, you know, in the main event for Sunday finally appearing at the very end of the show, and Ryback THROWS A LADDER IN THE SHIELD’S FACES in a crazy spot before everyone gets into a giant fight to end the show. I wish anything else on the show would have had that kind of energy.
Damien Sandow was awesome in telling off the Miz.
That’s what I got for this week.