Caliber v. Fuj

by the Fuj

The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1 gets… THE SALT IN THE EYE!

I said to myself if I ever was going to review anything, I’m not going to be positive. There’s too much positivity in the world (go fig) and I want to rip people’s life’s work to shreds.

It’s what I do... It’s who I am.

I am a living, breathing, pessimist and hater. I’m from Cleveland, Ohi0,  the most depressing city in the world.  Sports teams suck. Girls vary between “half-way decent” and “butt-fucking terrible”. Weather is set on “cold as fuck” 8 months out the year.

I’m pretty miserable…

So when Caliber Winfield of the Blog of Doom and “Straight Gangster, No Chaser”  (whatever) wrote the Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1 available for Kindle for $2.99, I said to myself “This is the first and last entry to The Salt in the Eye… I’m going to rip this shit to shreds… but not for 3 dollars!”

Ain’t no way in hell, I was going to pay 3 dollars for a kindle book. I don’t even spend 3 dollars on my momma and she birthed me. What I look like spending on some goofy white kid with a hard-on (we will get to that later) for action films from the 1980s?

But then he dropped the price to .99 cents and I said “ok”.

First and foremost the cover is clear, concise and to the point. It has smatterings of blood, a bottle of Jack Daniels, bullet-casings and bullet-holes. Took about 6 minutes to do in Photoshop I’m sure, but nevertheless it serves it’s purpose. Hopefully he doesn’t use that as the physical book cover, I would laugh my boner off. (yes…)

Now the highlight of the book is the impressive “Man-Tally”. This is how he scores the films. It’s broken down in a variety of ways and quite honestly, it makes sense. One-Liners must be said by the hero. He explains how Caliber count deaths and car chases and most importantly, he explains in scientific detail the use of slow-motion.  

After the “Man-Tally” and subsequent star-ratings scale (eloquently changed to Head-butts) Caliber then gives synopsis of various action films that he has enjoyed throughout the years such as “Bloodsport” by Jean-Claude Van Damme… and about 4 pages into the book our first “boner” joke comes in.

I knew it was coming… I was prepared. I just didn’t think he would unleash “Vintage Caliber” so soon.

Now mind you, I’m all for a good joke (no homo) but there’s a dick joke in pretty much every movie synopsis. Which by the way all sound reminiscent of MADDOX.

Don’t know who MADDOX is?

Oh you naïve fool… Maddox is the owner and operator of “The Best page in the universe”. Google it. It is at the top. Now I use to frequent this website in my 20’s. That was ten years ago. I was a Maddox fanboy. I bought the “Alphabet of Manliness” in 2005 and would have gotten it signed if wasn’t for those pesky kids. But at the end of the day, I grew up. So when I am reading “The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1” and get the rising suspicion that it sounds like Maddox in 2002, I’m a little concerned.

Of course the words aren’t his but the “tone” of the book sounds just like Maddox, and wouldn’t you know Maddox endorses this book!!!

And that’s my one drawback to this book. Maddox could have written this book in 2003 or 2013 and I would have been none the wiser. I read this book in Maddox’s voice as opposed to Caliber’s. It is wonderfully written. It is funny as hell. I read the passion and creepy love he has for these movies. The movies I did see (about half) had me cracking up for a while during Caliber’s synopsis. I sped through it in about 6 hours (I feel asleep reading Lethal Weapon 3&4 though. Holy shit those movies was boring) But I never got the feeling that this was Caliber Winfield’s book. It felt more like Maddox told him what to write.

After about 20-plus movies though, you get burned out of “boner” jokes and how much of a bad-ass Steven Seagal is. The book limps to the end and you are done without a “sayonara” or an “In closing”. My guess is that it’s open-ended for a Vol. 2??

In Closing, “The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1” IS a good book. It is a steal at .99 cents, but worth 3 dollars. I wanted to rip it shreds but honestly, but I can’t. If you never read Maddox, then you should have no qualms about enjoying this book.  If you have read Maddox, then you will understand where I am coming from. Either way, it is still a book worth reading and I will be there to pick up Vol. 2 if it ever comes out. It better have “Big Trouble in Little China” in there, because that is THE MOVIE MADE FOR MEN.

Sayonora.