The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 04.25.13
Live from Indiana, PA
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Tazz and Mike Tenay
James Storm joins us to start, and AJ Styles is watching from the stands. He’s upset at the “Aces & Idiots”. Oh, damn, I better write that one down! This brings out Bad Influence, who were also victims last week, and they want to reunite Fortune to even things up. Kaz notes that AJ needs to stop brooding like a Twilight vampire and get away from the “fartknockers” in the audience. You know, I was just the other day wondering to myself when someone would say “fartknocker” on national TV, and there it is. Sadly, Storm stands up for the fartknockers in the audience, and gets attacked by our heroes as a result. And with him laid out and helpless, Aces & Idiots come out to finish him off, but Joseph Park makes an effort at saving him and does pretty well at it before taking a beatdown. And in fact he gets to take 3D through a table because Bully wanted to make a special example out of him.
After a break, we return with Bully’s weekly state of the union address, and we ain’t got no heroes left. Well, except maybe Hulk Hogan, and Bully is calling him out TONIGHT.
Taryn Terrell v. Tara
Taryn is really upset about something and attacks with a hairtoss and choking in the corner, before Tara dumps her to the apron to take over. Catapult into the corner sets up an indian deathlock as I stop to wonder where Jessie is. Taryn makes the comeback, but walks into a choke and Tara gets two. Tara works the count a few times and cuts off a comeback, but Taryn rolls her up for the pin at 6:30. Wow, that was long. ½*
Meanwhile, Robbie answers my question by trying to recruit Jesse as his new bro. And all he has to do is beat Rob Terry.
Rob Terry v. Jessie Godderz
Jessie goes after the knee and pounds away, but comes off the middle rope and gets powerslammed for two before Robbie E saves. Terry throws Jessie into Robbie in an impressive spot, and back in to finish with the spinebuster at 3:02. They should keep Robbie and Jessie together, that’s a great combo. This match, not so much. ½*
Meanwhile, Bad Influence continues on their Fortune reunion quest, and Bobby Roode appears to be open to the idea.
TNA World tag titles: Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez v. Austin Aries & Bobby Roode
Aries does some showboating on Chavo, but walks into a dropkick and a nice backdrop suplex from Chavo that gets two. Aries blocks a headscissors and tags Roode in, and he’s also dominated by Hernandez. Delayed vertical suplex for Roode and Aries takes a gorilla press, but Air Mexico misses by a mile and Roode gets two. To the heel corner, where they work out their differences long enough to double-team Hernandez with various dirty heel tactics. Roode legsweep gets two. Hernandez catches Aries on a bodypress attempt and runs the heels into each other, and it’s hot tag Chavo, although the crowd doesn’t really buy into him. DDT on Roode gets two. Hernandez sets up for the Border Toss, but Kaz gets involved and the challengers can’t capitalize. Daniels comes in for some direct interference, but he screws up as well and Chavo finishes Roode with the frog splash at 8:50 to retain. This was fun, but they should have kept the belts on Roode & Aries and moved onto the Bad Influence feud. **1/2
Matt Morgan comes out to bitch about Hulk Hogan and his various friends, and that brings Hulk out. So here’s the endgame of Morgan’s deal: He wants to be the guy to help Hogan take out the Aces…in exchange for a title shot at Slammiversary. Hogan’s not willing to go down that road, brother, and he’ll just face Bully alone tonight rather than make a deal with Morgan. And by the way, Andre the Giant never came out and cried like a little bitch. This probably won’t end well for Hulk.
TNA Knockouts Title: Velvet Sky v. Mickie James
They trade takedowns to start and Velvet gets a seated dropkick for two, but hurts her knee coming out of the corner. Mickie gets two off that and goes to a kneebar as we take a break. Back with Mickie still working on it with an STF, but Sky makes the ropes. She comes back, but the knee buckles again. She gets a Russian legsweep anyway for two, but James kicks her in the knee and follows with an enzuigiri, and the flying senton gets two. Velvet keeps randomly coming back and fighting off Mickie, and she’s TOTALLY unconvincing with this knee injury deal. Mickie dropkicks the knee, but Velvet cradles for the pin at 10:56. And this leads to nothing, as they cut to the back without so much as a facial reaction from Mickie. Velvet is just terrible, but that’s a broken record at this point. Mickie was trying hard here to get something out of her, but the “knee injury” was ridiculous, with Velvet doing stuff no human being who was supposedly that injured would be doing. *
Main Event Interview: Bully Ray calls out Hulk Hogan, who so help me god is booking himself as the superheroic savior of TNA now. With “Immortal” tattooed across his back. Bully insults and slaps him until Hulk makes the big comeback, chasing off the TNA World champion with his 1985 Sunday punches, but then the lights go out and Sting returns, allowing the senior citizens to do what no one else in TNA could do and fight off the Aces. I keep thinking that they couldn’t POSSIBLY be stupid enough to actually go that route, but here we are again.
Note to TNA: If Hulk Hogan and Sting were the solution to the ratings problems, it would have happened FIVE YEARS AGO. Hogan killed off Roode’s push and then killed off Storm’s push, and now he’s the only one left who can save TNA, brother.