The SmarK RAW Rant–09.02.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 09.02.13

Live from Des Moines, IA.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler

Ooo, now I get to CHOOSE which crappy “ad experience” I get on Hulu.

COOHHH joins us to start and brings out Randy Orton. Cole notes that someone in the locker room is calling this the REIGN OF TERROR, which might be an inside joke referring to how everyone called HHH’s run in 2002 by that name, I dunno. Orton feels that Daniel Bryan should give up his title shot at the PPV because he’s not worthy of it. HHH adds that popularity has nothing to do with what’s best for THIS BUSINESS. Specifically, Doink the Clown was popular, but never WWE championship material (geez, the dude just DIED, lay off him) so maybe he’ll bring back the Cruiserweight title for Daniel instead. Daniel comes out and plays the “HHH lost his nuts” card, which is always a winner, but HHH notes that Bryan should blame Big Show, the dude with the Ironclad Contract, who just stands there and doesn’t help. Hmm, good point. So it’s Bryan v. Show tonight. Another strong promo as this angle chugs along at full steam.

Meanwhile, the Reign of Terror bumps in Cody Rhodes, who thinks that Randy might be afraid of Daniel Bryan. This opinion doesn’t work out well for him, as HHH books him against Orton in a match where he gets fired if he loses. This shit is gonna get guys over left and right. They’ve already made Big Show into a giant sympathetic babyface and seemingly anyone else who crosses them is going to get cheered. That’s how you know it’s the right kind of heel heat for the bad guys.

Dolph Ziggler v. Ryback

Dean Ambrose lays out Ziggler for the hell of it before the match, but Zigger wants to fight anyway. So Ryback beats the hell out of him, but Ziggler gets a well-timed dropkick to counter the lariat and pounds away in the corner. Ryback puts him down again and finishes with the Shellshock at 3:08. ½*

Stephanie McMahon brings out Big Show, who is apparently refusing to face Daniel Bryan tonight. Stephanie lets us know that Show is broke and his body is breaking down, and Show has these awesome facial expressions like he’s going to cry listening to this abuse.

Randy Orton v. Cody Rhodes

Typical WWE moment as the announcers are having an intense argument about the seriousness of the Cody Rhodes career stipulation, and Jerry Lawler has to stop them and plug the sponsor of the PPV. Orton suplexes him on the top rope and tosses him, but Bryan sends him into the stairs and gets two. Cole notes that in fact many in the locker room are calling Orton the DISGRACE of the WWE instead of the face. I think the locker room needs better writers. Cody with a dropkick for two, but Orton pokes him in the eye and gets two. Orton slugs away in the corner, but Cody comes back with a front suplex and pounds Orton right back, until Orton dumps him and we take a break. I’d like to talk about the Xfinity ad where the woman notes that their DSL was running “way slow” until they switched to Xfinity and now the internet is faster, and that’s just basic math! Now, I might be a simple country chicken, but doesn’t math typically involve NUMBERS? OK, this is getting me too angry, back to the match. Orton is holding a chinlock, but Cody makes the comeback with a springboard dropkick for two. Disaster kick misses, but a second try gets two. Cody goes up and whiffs on a moonsault, and Orton gets two. Draping DDT and Orton goes his babyface act to GIANT heel heat, but Cody reverses the RKO into Crossroads for two. Orton necksnaps him, but Cody rolls him up for two, then hurts his knee on a disaster kick attempt, and the RKO ends his career at 15:19. The dude dressed like Dusty Rhodes at ringside is REALLY pissed. No one buys the stip for real, but the crowd was sure buying it tonight. ***1/2

CM Punk joins us, and he wants to fight Paul Heyman, even if it means going through Curtis Axel first. He does the hard sell for the PPV, promising that if you buy the show, you’re going to see him break Heyman’s face.

Natalya v. Brie Bella v. Naomi

Winner of this clusterfuck gets AJ at the PPV. Naomi is going to pin Natalya after a butt-butt, but AJ Lee runs in for the DQ at 1:10. Uh, what happened to no DQ in three-way matches? Shockingly, it ends up with AJ having to defend against all three at the PPV.

Meanwhile, things are getting way too real for Big Show. Daniel Bryan is like “Don’t worry, I’m gonna beat you anyway so you don’t have to feel bad about winning.”

Los Matadores are coming! At some point!

Meanwhile, a dejected Cody Rhodes rages about the 20 year vendetta that the McMahons have had against the Rhodes family.

Big Show v. Daniel Bryan

Show doesn’t want to fight, but Bryan keeps attacking him, so Show tosses him and tries to talk sense into him. Bryan responds by kicking him down and getting a dropkick for two. Bryan throws dropkicks in the corner, but walks into Show’s boot and gets slammed. Show is still torn up about it, though, and keeps trying to explain things rationally. Bryan goes to the knee again and throws kicks, and a short DDT gets two. He goes up, but lands on a spear, and now Show is really pissed. He decides to walk out, but HHH sends the Shield down to make sure he finishes the match. Show refuses, so the Shield beats on Bryan for the DQ at 5:50. Not really anything to the match. * HHH then informs a tearful Show that he has to knock Bryan out, but he still refuses to fight. So this brings out Stephanie, who manages to guilt Show into finishing the job. Man, when he finally puts Hunter’s lights out one day, the place is gonna come unglued.

The Pulse

Not a good week to be a babyface in WWE.