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PG WEEK: WrestleMania IX by Request!

You know, you didn't disappoint me. I knew, once I said you could pick a WrestleMania, you'd choose this one. And you did. The Internet is nothing if not predictable. Okay... let's get this overwith.

The PG Era Rant for WrestleMania IX. Original airdate April 4, 1993.

Aired live from Las Vegas, NV.

Your host is Gorilla Monsoon, who welcomes us to the event and passes it on to our play-by-play man, Jim Ross. Jim is making his WWF debut at this event, which is a huge deal and is in no way lessened by the fact that he has to dress up in a toga like everyone else, no matter what they tell you.


Opening Ceremonies: “Julius Caesar” and “Cleopatra” welcome us all to the event. We also have Randy Savage (riding in on a sedan and being fed by vestal virgins) and, more famously, Bobby Heenan (on a camel, facing backwards) make their entrance to be Ross's color men. Apparently, Savage was supposed to ride the camel and Heenan the sedan. At least, that's what JR believed. Or what Heenan told him, I mean. Also, Heenan's underpants match his toga. Thanks for showing us, Macho. It should be noted that Savage is not in a toga, but that's because if anything, his fringe cowboy outfit is even more ridiculous.

MATCH ONE: Intercontinental Championship: Shawn Michaels (27) vs. Tatanka (31)

Luna Vachon debuts with Shawn Michaels. The story here is that Tatanka, yet to be pinned in the WWF, defeated Shawn Michaels in a non-title match on Raw to earn this match. It's a good idea for a title match, but it needs to used sparingly or the champ looks weak. See Ambrose, Dean. Meanwhile, at the Royal Rumble, Shawn fired Sherri after a mishap almost cost him the title to Marty Jannetty, so Sherri is in Tatanka's corner out of spite. Supposedly, Shawn's shoulder is not 100%, thanks to a six-man tag he and Tatanka were in.

Shawn takes his time getting out of his outfit and ready for battle. Shawn gets takedowns to start, but Tatanka fights out of both of them and a stalemate ensues. Shawn works a headlock, but Tatanka reverses to a hammerlock. Shawn goes for an overhead wristlock and powers Tatanka down, but Tatanka bridges up and shoves Shawn down. Heenan and Savage already are at each other's throats. Shawn back to the headlock. Tatanka tries to shove him off with the turnbuckle, but Shawn hangs on and gets a two-count. Shawn runs up another corner, but Tatanka gets a back suplex and chops away. Shawn bails to the top rope off of a corner whip, but gets caught with a flying armdrag. Shawn does the proper Flair Flip, and Tatanka chops him to the floor. Sherri prevents Luna from helping Shawn up as the crowd loves it. They REALLY want Sherri to get her hands on Shawn. Shawn tries to get in, but Tatanka cuts him off with overhead chops. Shawn goes to the eyes to slow Tatanka down and sends him into the buckle. He goes up top, and a flying sunset flip (almost) gets two. A Bionic Elbowsmash follows. Tatanka with an inverted atomic drop off a criss-cross, and he chops Shawn HARD. Shawn puts his head down on a whip, and Tatanka gets a single-arm DDT and works the injured arm. He twists and chops the arm to maintain control. Shawn tries to break with the hair, but Sherri alerts the ref and it doesn't work. Heenan gets on Savage for hair-pulling, while Shawn breaks the armbar and clotheslines Tatanka with the BAD ARM. Tatanka no-sells and works the arm some more. Here's the fun part: it wasn't hair-pulling that Savage cheated with. Shawn backs Tatanka into the corner and boxes away, but he hits the post on a blind charge and Tatanka's back onto the arm. Heenan: “Boy, I like to watch this Luna. She is something.” JR: “What is she?” Shawn punches out of the armbar, but gets caught trying to vault Tatanka in the corner and Tatanka gets a shoulder-breaker and elbowdrop. Tatanka goes up, and it's an overhead chop on the shoulder. Second time up, though, Shawn nails Sweet Chin Music (which is just a secondary move at this point, so no pin attempt). Shawn dumps Tatanka over the top, and Luna stalks over, but again Sherri cuts her off. So Shawn exits and slams Tatanka's head into the apron. He then jumps onto the apron and off of it, clotheslining Tatanka. Randy Savage's commentary leaves a lot to be desired here. Shawn kicks Tatanka to keep him out of the ring, then taunts Sherri, who looks away in disgust. Savage suggests Sherri could beat Shawn. Shawn with a right hand on Tatanka, and he brings him in for a swinging neckbreaker for two. Standing dropkick by Shawn gets two. We HIT THE CHINLOCK now, as Heenan notes that Luna is pacing back and forth. Savage: “She looks like an animal. You're right, Weasel.” JR: “You are right, Weasel.” Heenan: “I am right, We... knock it off.” Tatanka elbows out, but Shawn corners him and punches him down. He tries to vault over Tatanka into a Victory Roll position, but he's out of position, so they just roll with it for two. So Shawn boxes Tatanka again to signal they'll try it again, and this time he gets on Tatanka's shoulders via the top rope... which leads to the electric chair from Tatanka for a double KO. Tatanka crawls on top for two. Big elbowdrop from Tatanka misses, and Shawn goes up. He nails Tatanka with an axhandle... but Tatanka begins the War Dance. More shots do nothing, and Tatanka catches the superkick and chops the HECK out of Shawn. Tatanka goes up, forgoing a cover, and a flying bodypress gets two. Shawn whips Tatanka, but his dropkick is caught and Tatanka catapults him into the post for two. Heenan is getting frantic. End of the Trail is set up, but Shawn with a crucifix for two. Shawn punches Tatanka and goes up, but Tatanka catches and powerslams him for two. The crowd was CERTAIN that was it. Shawn suckers Tatanka in and throws him outside, and he tries the apron dive again, but Tatanka moves and Shawn eats the steps. That leads to a countout, but Shawn pulls the ref down to stop the bell and continues. He runs into the End of the Trail... but, well, it's still a countout at 18:13. Savage is upset at what he sees as the referee's gaffe. Great opener. Tatanka should've won the belt here, and I don't understand why he didn't. ***3/4 Luna beats up Sherri after the match before Tatanka runs her off.

Gene Okerlund (50) interviews the Steiner Brothers. Man, it's weird seeing Scott looking human. Scott promises everyone will remember their WrestleMania debut. Rick says they'll do what they do best: wrestle. And in doing so, they'll make Julius Caesar proud. Does Rick know Caesar's dead?

MATCH TWO: Samu (29) and Fatu (27) vs. Rick Steiner (32) and Scott Steiner (30)

Afa is with the Samoans. Rick and Scott are just two amateur superstars from Michigan, and the announcers make a big deal about how Michigan is on a roll, as they'll be playing for the men's basketball title the next night. That game the next night (against North Carolina) is rather famous in NCAA lore.

JR calls the match a slobberknocker and says it'll be smash-mouth. He's on a roll. Heenan: “Never mind. I speak English.” Fatu – already with a large rump – opens with Scott. For those who don't know, yes, Fatu grew bigger and became Rikishi and is the Uso father. Scott opens with an armdrag. He follows with an amateur takedown for one, followed by controlling the arm. Fatu headbutts Scott's chest in the corner, but Scott throws him out. A tackle goes nowhere, but Scott wins a slugfest with a Steinerline. Fatu goes to the eyes, and the Headshrinkers double-team Scott, so Samu knocks him over. The Steiners are thrown out, but they climb the same corner and do a double diving clothesline on the Shrinkers. Samu and Fatu bail as the Steiners hit the Doghouse pose. Afa slams heads together to wake the Headshrinkers up. Meanwhile, JR reports that Luna's keeping the attack up backstage. Back in, Fatu and Scott tie up, but it goes nowhere and Rick is in. Samu tags in as well. Samu knocks over Rick with a chop, then pounds on him in the corner, with a whip and clothesline following. Rick fires out of a second whip with a big clothesline of his own. Samu rams into the post headfirst (so no damage), and Scott tags in to get a butterfly suplex before dropkicking Fatu. Samu catches Scott on a whip and Hotshots him out of the ring right by Afa, who WHACKS Scott with a Polynesian cane to the back. Fatu slams Scott on the outside, and back in, Samu bites the forehead. Samu attacks Scott's back and smashes his head into Fatu's before tagging Fatu in. Both men go CLUBBERIN, THEY BE CLUBBERIN TONY on Scott, and Fatu adds a backbreaker and second-rope headbutt. It gets two, Rick saves. As he's escorted out, the Shrinkers get a double headbutt. Samu with a 360 roundhouse kick, but a blind charge eats boot. Fatu cuts off the hot tag and sends Scott to the outside. Fatu cons Rick into the ring, and Samu throws Scott into a nearby post as he lands in front of the announcers. Savage says he grazed his monitor as well. Rick helps Scott in, and Scott gets a facejam on Fatu which OF COURSE he no-sells, getting a superkick. Samu in, and they get a double bite. Samu with a camel clutch and elbowdrop, following up with a standing dropkick. Scott is sent into Fatu's head and nearly fights away, but Samu pokes the eyes and brings in Fatu. The Headshrinkers get a variant of Demolition Decapitation, and Fatu gets two off of it. VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM follows. Scott elbows out, and a double clothesline leads to a double KO. Samu in, and he stomps Scott in the gut and chops him. More clubbing follows. A headbutt floors Scott, then a slam and he goes up. Diving headbutt misses, and it's hot tag Rick. He goes to town on Fatu and Steinerlines everyone. A double noggin-knocker proves to be a VERY BAD IDEA AGAINST SAMOANS, and they double headbutt Rick down. Double front legsweep is their setup move, and they go for a Doomsday Bodypress, but Rick catches Samu and belly-to-belly suplexes him for two, Fatu saves. That was SCARY impressive. Scott in, and he belly-to-bellies Fatu, but celebrates and gets superkicked by Samu. Samu with a big slam, but Scott reverses a whip and a huracanrana ends the match at 14:22. This is proof you don't need lots of fancy moves to put on a great match: the Headshrinkers had been one of the top tag teams in the late territory era as the Samoan Swat Team, and they used basic offense with great timing and ring psychology to put on a great match. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Doink has vandalized a Julius Caesar bust.

MATCH THREE: Doink the Clown (Matt Osborne, 34) vs. Crush (about to turn 29)

There's a feud here, as it turns out: Doink was trying to appease Crush with a flower while his arm was in a sling, but as Crush turned his back, Doink pulled the now-obviously-fake arm out of the sling and smashed Crush upside the head repeatedly with it. Doink, in the pre-match interview, promises he'll make Crush see double vision before the match is over.

Heenan says Doink looks familiar. Doink sprays Crush with a flower, which causes Crush to chase him around the ring. Crush catches and headbutts Doink, then slams him on the floor. Crush throws Doink into the post (as Savage cheers him on), and he stops Doink from escaping into the crowd and throws him in. Doink begs off, but he can't escape Crush's wingspan. Crush with a choke lift and throw into the corner. Crush with a Hammer Throw on Doink and he bails, pulling Crush's leg (get it?) and punching away. Crush no-sells and beats up Doink some more, sending him back to the post. Crush with a Rude Awakening and snapmare, following with a facewash to Doink. Crush borrows Savage's Hotshot (which Savage approves of) and returns, pounding away and getting a backbreaker. Crush clubs Doink in a Sheamus fashion, but Doink hangs him on the ropes and dives off the top with an axhandle (nearly losing his balance as he does). Doink adds more shots off the second rope, then another off the top. Piledriver by Doink and he kicks Doink out of the ring. He sends Crush into the post, then slams him and goes up top again. This time, though, he dives into Crush's foot. He can't follow up, and Doink slams him into the post and chops him. He goes to the second rope, but Crush catches him with a powerslam. Crush sends Doink out with a clothesline and Doink tries to hide under the ring, but Crush catches him. Crush throws Doink back in and gets a military press. He signals for the Kona Vice, but when he applies it Doink gets into the ropes before swinging his elbow into the referee. Doink escapes and tries to go under again, but Crush catches him again and re-applies the Vice. But as he has it on, Doink runs in and smashes him with the plaster arm. For those not around in 1993, you read this right. Doink ran in on his own match – or, rather, a second man dressed as Doink. This one is Steve Keirn (41). Crush turns and faces Doink 2, but Doink 1 holds him and Doink 2 smashes him with the cast again. The two do the Marx Brothers mirror gag as Heenan insists it's a mass illusion. Doink 1 then wakes up the ref and pins Crush at 8:28. Doink (to the camera): “What happened? What happened?? HAHAHAHAHA!” Didn't live up to expectations here. *3/4 A second referee tries to tell the first one what happened, but there's no evidence of Doink 2.

Todd Pettengill (age unlisted) interviews some racial stereotypes disguised as Japanese media about the last match.

MATCH FOUR: Bob Backlund (43) vs. Razor Ramon (34)

Heenan insists he knows how Doink pulled the illusion off, even saying David Copperfield did it. You can practically HEAR Savage roll his eyes. Backlund is making his return to the WWF for the first time in practically since his title reign in 1984.

Backlund offers a handshake and gets a toothpick in return. The crowd is cheering for ostensible heel Ramon. Razor throws Backlund into the corner. Another lockup, another corner shove. Another lockup, but this time Ramon gets the worst of it with takedowns from Backlund. Ramon fakes a test of strength and kicks away, getting a slam and stomping away. Another slam follows, and Ramon just punches away. Ramon kicks Backlund's head and punches away as the announcers bring up an incident from earlier in the day: Lex Luger cheapshot Bret Hart at a breakfast event with the BIONIC FOREARM OF DEATH. Ramon taunts Backlund, who fights back and gets a corner whip and hiptoss. Ramon blocks a dropkick, but not a running forearm. Backlund with a butterfly suplex and Atomic Drop (his finisher in the 1970s, back when something like that COULD be a finisher). He slingshots Ramon back in, but Ramon catches Backlund with a small package for the pin at 3:45. Good on Vince for getting Backlund what Vince had to think would be his only Mania payday, but seriously, this match was just so disjointed. 1/4* And to think, 18 months later, Backlund would be WWF champion.

Okerlund interviews Money Inc.

MATCH FIVE: WWF Tag Team Champions Ted DiBiase (39) and Irwin R. Schyster (just turned 35) vs. Hulk Hogan (39) and Brutus Beefcake (almost 36)

There's a big story here, which is that Beefcake was attempting a comeback after a near-fatal accident in 1990. Everyone knew his face was reconstructed because of the accident, so Money Inc took advantage by smashing him with the metallic Haliburton. The attack was so bad Jimmy Hart left Money Inc and joined Beefcake. Beefcake challenged Money Inc for the tag belts, getting his longtime friend Hulk Hogan as his tag partner. Of note, Hogan enters with a black eye, and if you ask how that happened, you'll get multiple answers. In kayfabe, DiBiase hired some thugs to jump Hogan. The WWE line is that Hogan had a JetSki crash. There's a persistent rumor that Savage sucker-punched Hogan over Elizabeth, but the two were divorced at the time. I'm not sure why Hogan and DiBiase never had a one-on-one match, by the way. Beefcake has a padded mask on for most of this match.

Money Inc goes for a cheap shot before the match, but Hogan and Brutus clear the ring without so much as their music stopping. Hogan did the same thing the previous WrestleMania with Sid, I should note. Heenan keeps claiming the black eye on Hogan had to be an honest mistake. Brutus and IRS start. IRS with a knee to the gut and he works Brutus in the corner. DiBiase in for a double-team, and he punches and chops the gut of Brutus. A back elbow floors Brutus, and Hogan is suckered in allowing a double-team. IRS switches off and works an elbow to the back of the head. DiBiase follows, and he drops an axhandle on Brutus's face... which does nothing because of that titanium facemask. Brutus with a noggin-knocker to Money Inc. DiBiase goes for ten shots to the buckle on Brutus, and that won't work either. But it will on DiBiase. DiBiase runs into Hogan's boot, and Hulkster enters as the crowd erupts. Ten punch countalong in the corner and he ALMOST strikes the ref. He goes ground-and-pound on DiBiase, and he follows with an Axe Bomber and chokes DiBiase. Brutus back in, and DiBiase eats a double big boot. Brutus stomps away on DiBiase and gets a slam. Hogan back in, and his double axhandle works. Hogan with a headlock and punch, and a drop-down by DiBiase off a whip fails as Hogan stops and continues the offense. IRS enters and gets ping-ponged by the challengers, who send him out. Money Inc decides to take the intentional countout, but there's a rule that says you can't do that at consecutive WrestleManias and that's how they retained the belts the previous year, so the referee threatens to strip them of the belts if they get counted out. Heenan considers this a travesty and acts like the referee made this rule up. Money Inc try to call the ref's bluff, but at six they race back to the ring and get in at eight. Hogan and DiBiase are the legal men, and Hogan gets advice from Jimmy Hart. DiBiase goes with a knee to the gut to slow Hogan down and chokes him against the middle rope. IRS takes the tag rope off and uses it on Hogan's throat. He passes it to DiBiase, who chokes Hogan as the ref admonishes Brutus. IRS in, and he tags DiBiase back. DiBiase chops and chokes Hogan some more, using the top rope for assistance. The ref admonishes DiBiase, so IRS takes over. DiBiase taunts Hogan as the latter tries for a tag, and then he slaps on the Million Dollar Dream on Hogan. Hogan won't give up, so DiBiase keeps it on and hopes for a KO. Savage says they're hanging from the rafters, then remembers the Colosseum didn't HAVE rafters, so he says they're hanging from the columns instead. They do the arm check, and Hogan's arm stays up on the third try. Hogan gets up, but he can't break the hold and fades a little more. IRS tries to get in, so Brutus pulls DiBiase off and applies the Sleeper. IRS stays in the ring for a LONG time, allowing for a Double KO. They milk the count for all it's worth, with Hogan sitting up at nine. Hart directs traffic, and it's hot tag Brutus. He slugs away on IRS, adding a running knee and an atomic drop to DiBiase for good measure. Beefcake slugs IRS down on a running punch, but DiBiase jabs the Haliburton into Beefcake's back and IRS takes over. Heenan and Savage actually have their argument devolve to “Yes it does!” “No it don't!” Both champs land elbows on Brutus, and DiBiase stands over Brutus and unmasks him. Hogan protests, but that allows DiBiase and IRS to work over Brutus' head. Brutus is punch-drunk from the pain, and Money Inc keeps working the head. Heenan is in his glory mocking Brutus. Brutus gets a double clothesline on Money Inc off a double team attempt. He doesn't tag, though, and instead puts the Sleeper on IRS. DiBiase breaks it up, and everyone runs into the referee. DiBiase and Hogan tag in (like it matters, since he's still down, but everyone plays along). Hogan with the punches and big boot, and IRS tries to attack with the mask. Hogan intercepts it and smashes both of Money Inc with it, the challengers cover, and Hart counts the three. No, that doesn't count, and a second referee comes in and DQ's the challengers at 18:27. Hogan and Beefcake, of course, act like this is a horrible call, and Jimmy Hart disposes of the referee so Hogan can celebrate. They then find IRS' briefcase (Money Inc took off with the belts), and reveal its contents are: tax forms, one ACME brick, and petty cash. The money gets distributed to ringside. See, this isn't a bad way to use a returning Hogan: get him out of the way, let the fans enjoy him, send him off somewhat triumphant. Too bad the match was boring. 3/4*

Pettengill interviews Natalie Cole at ringside as well as gives the head operator of Caesar's Palace some face time.

Okerlund interviews Mr. Perfect, which leads to the most underrated Botchamania moment ever: Perfect talks about how great a week he's been having in Vegas, and says he's Absolutely Perfect... then trips over Lex Luger's name, calling him “The Lexorcist Nar.. the Larciss... the... who?” Okerlund bails him out, and they play it off as Perfect being too excited to talk straight, but COME ON, your whole gimmick is you don't make mistakes like that!

MATCH SIX: Mr. Perfect (just turned 35) vs. Lex Luger (34)

I'm surprised Hennig is older than Luger. Luger comes to the ring with four mirror holding babes wearing the bear minimum allowed by US law. Heenan asks Okerlund and Savage to be quiet during the entrance in a bit Lawler would use with Chris Masters. His fawning over Luger is a running gag throughout the match.

Perfect doesn't bother to swat the gum, instead spitting it right at Luger. The two exchange arm twists with Perfect getting the better of it. Perfect with a headlock, and the two exchange wristlocks until they get to the ropes. Luger goes to the eyes, but perfect reverses a whip and gets a running kneelift. Perfect knocks down Luger, adding a running dropkick as Luger bails. He slowly returns as Heenan claims the knockouts are due to bat speed. Perfect gains control in the corner, but Luger fights away and drops elbows on Perfect's neck. A trip to the buckle follows, but Perfect catches a boot attempt, getting a single-leg takedown and working the leg. Luger oversells it a little, but nothing wrong with that as Perfect keeps working the leg. Heenan is worried. Perfect with a spinning toe hold on Luger, and Luger's having trouble keeping his shoulders up before making the ropes. Perfect kicks away at Luger's leg. He chops Luger in the corner HARD, kicking the knee and punching away. Another CHOP OF DOOM follows. Luger reverses a Hammer Throw and buys time to help his leg. A second Hammer Throw follows. Luger dumps Perfect to the outside and follows, ramming Perfect's back into the apron as Savage and Heenan note that Perfect was out for two years with a back injury. Luger adds forearm shots to the back. He adds a rib breaker to Perfect, then a front elbowdrop for two. Luger throws Perfect into the corner, but Perfect with kicks to gain separation for a time. He reverses Luger into the corner but runs into a kneelift, and Luger with a Flair Pin for two before being caught. Luger with a powerslam for two, but not before he taunts which may have cost him the match according to Savage. Perfect with high elevation on a sunset flip for two. Perfect with a sleeper on Luger, but Luger backs him into a corner. Perfect fights out of the corner, chopping him hard. He wins a slugfest, dropping Luger, but Luger with a kick and he takes over. Luger puts his head down and gets hit with a small package for two. Perfect with a back body drop and Hammer Throw, following up with a catapult and overhead right. Another overhead right gets two. Perfect pulls a strap down and keeps up the offense, getting ten punches in the corner before Luger with an inverted atomic drop. Perfect comes back with clotheslines, getting two. Swinging neckbreaker gets two. Perfect goes up top, landing a missile dropkick for two, but Luger's foot is on the ropes. Luger hooks a backslide for the win at 10:33, but Perfect's feet were in the ropes and the referee missed it. Perfect protests and gets knocked out by the BIONIC FOREARM OF DEATH. This match is overrated. **1/2

The real fun comes after this, as Perfect wakes up and goes backstage to look for Luger. He finds Luger chatting with Shawn Michaels and attacks, but Shawn takes offense to that and a double-team begins. This would lead to two important points: first, Shawn and Perfect met for the I-C title at SummerSlam 1993; and second, Perfect would remember Luger's transgressions one year later during Luger's WWF Title fight against Yokozuna.

Savage and Heenan argue over what they just saw and nearly come to blows as a desperate JR throws it to Gorilla, who puts over the two remaining matches.

MATCH SEVEN: Giant Gonzalez (27) vs. Undertaker (28)

For those wondering, because I have seen Giant Gonzalez I will never comment about how awful the Great Khali is. Khali may not be average in workrate, but he uses his body well, he has decent mobility, and he knows how to sell. That's more than we can say about Gonzalez here, whose only selling point is that he's the tallest wrestler in the world at 7'7. Gonzalez debuted at the Royal Rumble, running in – well, walking in – and disposing of Undertaker. This is their first meeting. The Undertaker is accompanied by a vulture on a chariot.

A staredown begins. Giant smashes Taker with a clubbing blow, staggering him temporarily. Each shot just results in Taker staring back at him. Taker rocks Giant with uppercuts, but Giant chokes down Taker. Giant shoves Taker into the corner and chokes away, and the two begin choking each other as Taker tries Old School, only for Giant to hit him in the groin. Giant misses an axhandle, and Taker gets an uppercut. Taker goes for Old School, connecting but not knocking Giant down. He slaps around Giant, kicking him in the corner but charging into a big boot. Taker's down, and Giant goes CLUBBERIN some more. Giant with a beal on Taker, and Giant gets a standing chinlock on Taker. This goes on for a while. Taker drops to one knee. The chinlock continues. Taker up to two feet. The chinlock continues. Taker back to one knee. The chinlock CONTINUES. Taker is in a sitting position. We're still going. Heenan: “You know how some people can palm a basketball? This guy could probably palm a Buick.” They do the arm test, Taker keeps the arm up. The chinlock is still on. Taker FINALLY breaks it with elbows, but Giant throws Taker to the outside and follows, chopping Taker and slamming him hard into the steps. He then throws Taker into the steps as both managers (Paul Bearer and Harvey Whippleman) distract the ref. Taker is back up and in, so Giant headbutts Taker. Taker keeps sitting up, and Giant keeps headbutting him. A slugfest breaks out, and Taker seems to win it, punching away on Giant's torso. Giant's selling looks like he's trying out for a remake of the Thriller video. Giant is down to one knee, but Harvey throws a chloroform rag into the ring and Giant uses it for the DQ at 7:33. Man, I went the whole match without making fun of Giant's body-paint muscle suit. -*** Giant KO's Taker with the rag, and they give Taker the stretcher ride. Refs try to clear out Giant, so he chokeslams one of them. The crowd wants Hogan to do something, which wouldn't be the worst idea for him even though the match could be the most disastrous one ever booked. Then the gong sounds and Taker comes back. Giant does his best “You gotta be kidding me” look. Taker fights his way back in, and after several clotheslines, he finally knocks Giant down. Giant rolls out of the ring like a beached whale, as Bearer restrains Taker and Giant asks what just happened.

Okerlund builds up the main event and shows us the carnage Yokozuna has caused. He then, for reasons that didn't make sense at the time, interviews Hulk Hogan for analysis. Hogan just makes vague threats and asks for the next title shot at either man.

Todd Pettengill interviews random audience members.

MAIN EVENT: WWF Champion Bret Hart (35) vs. Yokozuna (26)

If Yokozuna wins, he would tie Undertaker for youngest WWF champion. Yokozuna won the 1993 Royal Rumble (from lucky 27), earning a WWF Title match at WrestleMania as a result. The big story here is the size difference: in kayfabe, it's the 505-pound Yokozuna against the 234-pound Bret Hart. Hart won the belt from Ric Flair at a house show in Saskatchewan in October, one of the few times the WWF title changed hands outside of a TV show.

Yokozuna does some traditional Sumo poses to start. Bret charges with a dropkick on Yokozuna, pounding on him in the corner and a ten-punch count. Yokozuna pushes him off, but Bret fires away only to get a chop to the throat. Bret tries a waistlock, but Yokozuna's too big and tackles him. Bret is knocked out of the ring, so Yokozuna kicks him down. Bret catches the next kick and tangles Yokozuna in the ropes, giving him free reign to catapult onto him and fire away. Bret goes up, landing the second-rope elbow before allowing the referee to free Yokozuna. Bret with a clothesline, but Yokozuna won't go down and he destroys Bret with a lariat. Yokozna drops an elbow, then slams Bret. Giant legdrop follows, and the fans chant USA at Yokozuna. Even though Bret is Canadian. Yokozuna stomps away, then drapes Bret on the top rope and chokes him. Yokozuna with a nerve hold from a standing position, as JR talks about how Bret's big strategy might be to extend the match and win with superior stamina. Heenan notes that champions don't think about that. Yokozuna punches Bret into the corner, but a blind charge eats boot. Bret dives off the ropes with a bulldog, getting two. Yokozuna with a superkick and he bows to Fuji. Snapmare and nerve hold follow. Yokozuna with a throat thrust and corner whip, but the avalanche is WAY too slow. Bret with another bulldog for two. Second-rope elbow gets two. Diving clothesline, then a running clothesline, but Yokozuna won't stay down. Bret with ten punches in the corner, but Yokozuna pulls him out. Bret takes the turnbuckle cover with him as Yokozuna gets a slam. Bret sends Yokozuna into the steel bolt, then he hooks the Sharpshooter. It's right in front of Fuji, though, and Fuji throws salt in Bret's eyes. Yokozuna covers and wins the title at 8:55. Honestly, five more minutes and that's a good match. *3/4

Hulk Hogan races in to protest, and since he's the self-appointed #1 Contender he wants the match to restart. He goes out to check on Bret, and then Mr. Fuji does the dumbest thing humanly possible: he challenges Hogan to a title match right then and there. Bret insists Hogan answer the bell, and we he does. Yokozuna holds up Hogan, but Fuji's salt hits Yokozuna in the eyes. Axe Bomber and Legdrop change the title again at an official 22 seconds. Just about everyone agrees this was a huge power play by Hogan and should've never happened, so I won't add anything here.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I'll add it here instead: this should've never happened. If Hogan wanted to be in the main event scene that badly, you give him a title match against Bret (preferably) at Saturday Night's Main Event to test his loyalty. To be fair, Vince had no reason to believe Hogan would stand him up, but that's what happened: Hogan went off to do movies rather than do the house show circuit. Vince was so furious he promoted King of the Ring to a PPV status, had Yokozuna crush Hogan at the event, and washed his hands of Hogan for eight and a half years. It's the least Vince could've done.

This event is given universal scorn, but when you look at the star ratings, it's not a horrific show. Shawn/Tatanka, Steiners/SST, and Luger/Perfect are perfectly reasonable. Were this an In Your House or even a SummerSlam, we wouldn't be nearly as upset by it. But you expect greatness at WrestleMania, and we didn't get it. We expect the main event to be either a mat classic or a white-hot finish, and we got neither. And let's be honest: someone like Giant Gonzalez has no business on WrestleMania.

Still, there are positives to this event. Heenan is at his crankiest, and a cranky Heenan is an entertaining Heenan. The first two matches are very good. The “twin Doink” angle begins here, which was the apex of Doink's heel heat. If you can stomach the bad or have the fast forward button handy, you might be able to deal with this.

STATS:

MATCH TIME: 90:51 over nine matches
BEST MATCH: Shawn/Tatanka
WORST MATCH: Taker/Giant
NIGHT MVP: Lex Luger (Hogan lost earlier in the night; Tatanka didn't get the gold... this really kind of is by default)

FINAL SCORE: 3.5. This is almost universally considered the worst Mania of all time, though I personally think 2 and 11 are much worse. This at least had three matches above average, and although you expect more from a Mania, it's mainly the Hogan hate – not unjustifiable – that cements its rep.

I'll be back with Raw from Richmond! I don't want to spoil anything, but I can tell you, there's a huge development upcoming!

Comments

  1. I would say 9 is far worse than 11, 11 kind of felt like 29 this year, not actively bad but nothing I'd really go out of my way to ever watch again. 15, 27, and 12 were worse though (I've never seen 2), take out Bret/Austin and 13 is right up there too.


    What's with listing everyone's age?

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's something I did to amuse myself when I did the Survivor Series 1990 recap. I got lots of "thanks for doing it" feedback, so I figured why not.

    ReplyDelete
  3. OK then. It just reminded of the one rant Scott did (IYH 5, I think) where he listed everyone's real names with no explanation as to why and he never did it again.

    ReplyDelete
  4. 2, 11, and 4 are much worse than this. In the modern era, Id add WM 27 to the mix...

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  5. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 12:58 AM

    I'd say this ranks as the absolute worst just because of the ending. At least 2, 4, 11, etc. didn't end retardedly like this.

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  6. It's a FRANKENSTEINER!

    ReplyDelete
  7. For some reason it really bothers me that Todd Pettengills age is unknown. Yes I'm the same guy that protested the lack of Gobbelygookers (0) age.

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  8. Just gonna come out and say it: I don't think Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzales is anywhere near as bad as people hype it to be. The whole thing is 15 minutes long. The match(which is not good) lasts 7:30. Undertaker's badass entrance is about 2 minutes. It's bad but it isn't long enough to fall into "drag down the entire show bad" nor was it important enough so that it's badness is amplified.


    As a match, it's safely 1/2* to a DUD. But it's only 7:30 minutes and it was just a mid card match. Whereas Miz-Cena is in the ** range but lasts 20 minutes AND is the main event of the show in the World Title match. If you weight it, I'd say Cena-Miz is pound-for-pound worse than Taker-Gonzales.


    Yes, I've just made a passionate defense of a shitty match but it needs to be said. I think these things should be graded or curved to be put in perspective.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 2:08 AM

    He's probably less than ten years younger than his shitty radio co-host.

    /Rant

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think 2, 4, and 9 are easily the worst. Haven't seen them in a while but my memory tells me neither had a match I thought was good. I don't even think HBK-Tatanka is ***.


    I put 11 in the same category as 5, 13, and 15 as cards that have 1 great match that elevates them above the others. Savage-Hogan, Shawn-Diesel, Bret-Austin, and Austin-Rock elevate their respective shows.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 2:10 AM

    I don't disagree, but when you factor in the nerves of main eventing a WrestleMania and all the pressure that comes with it, it's entirely possible that it makes you perform ten times worse. The Miz is shit, but he's not as bad as that match made him out to be.

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  12. I'm not beating up on the Miz at all. Surely there had to be nerves. But I think if you take into account the place of that match(world title main event with Rock's involvement) it's mediocrity or crappiness outweighs Taker-Gonzales' crapiness.

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  13. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 2:17 AM

    I agree with that. Also up until 9, most of the WM matches definitely rank in the "shit" column rather than the "good" one. I bet Taker told Gonzales "hey we'll do this, this, just don't break my neck" and that was about it.

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  14. Although it was pretty funny when the match later aired on Tony's TV show (called Championship Wrestling at the time although the name of it now is NWA Smoky Mountain) and they played the song after the kid won, with the fuck and shit words from the song kept intact. I guess the FCC is extremely tolerant of bad indie wrestling shows that air on shitty CW affiliates in Tennessee at 2:30 am.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Loved it but always hated Mike Tenay mispronouncing it as "Voodoo Chili".

    ReplyDelete
  16. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 2:34 AM

    What? I never noticed!

    Tenay, for all his wrestling smarts, is a tit.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Please don't claim it's "I'm A Freebird But What's Your Excuse?", that theme is the very definition of lame.

    ReplyDelete
  18. The Mounties music was awesome 'hes handsome, he's brave and his strong'

    And mankind's initial entrance and exit music being different.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yeah, he's never striked me as someone that has good tastes in music, he probably refuses to listen to anything that isn't by Tony Bennett, Wayne Newton or Tom Jones.
    Tony Schiavone on the other hand is surprisingly enough a huge rock fan and thus has great tastes in music.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I remember one time that also kind of odd: Their debut on Wrestling Challenge, they came out to their AWA theme "Living After Midnight" by Judas Priest, long after Vince had put the kibosh on using licensed music because presumably they had probably not even created a theme for The Rockers yet when it came time for their debut.

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  21. I could recognize Adam Cole's original ROH music, it was really catchy but unfortunately they got rid of it and replaced it with something that sounds like one of Kazarian's 37 TNA themes and is not recognizable in the least.
    Matt Hardy is another one that has a pretty awesome, badass entrance theme but it's negated by the fact that they gave a good song to the worst worker on the roster.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Whilst ECW gets varying degrees of respect from the IWC, I hope we can all agree they were fantastic at matching the wrestler and the music - there's far too many to get into. Of special note the Dudley 's were a running joke to start with; putting them out there to ACDC's Highway to Hell made them seem like a real threat to other teams long before they got their moveset and characters down pat.

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  23. I'm watching Lucha Azteca right now, and there's a babyface/tecnico named "Rush" who is using Chris Benoit's WWE entrance music.

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  24. Not mentioned so far: Demolition. 20 years later, I can still sing it...

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  25. Rock-Austin was hardly good enough to Elevate 15 above complete Turd status. The Match was only ok, and the Rock didnt yet have the Mega star power he would have only a year or 2 later

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  26. What makes that Gonzalez/Taker match worse in my opinion is that its the kind of thing that would be embarrassing to watch if a non wrestling fan came into the room. The painted on muscle suit is just all kinds of bad....

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  27. I don't know, I like Ryders for one simple reason.


    Radio used to be popular and the next big thing, and then something better came along. Radio's still around, but isn't the 'big thing' anymore because other mediums do the same thing better.


    Wait, that's not fair to radio.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Jive Soul Bro was so perfect for Akeem and Slick....

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  29. I thought it delivered what it needed to to elevate it over 9,4,and 2.

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  30. Youve never gotten over it?! Imagine how the Verve must feel...

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  31. Mine is Mr Perfect, its always fun to see people say they music sounds so familiar....

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  32. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 3:45 AM

    Schiavone is a big Gary Glitter fan, from what I can tell.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 3:46 AM

    *Bittersweet Symphony video plays on a TV*

    Ashcroft: "Jagger's getting paid tonight. FUUUUUUUUU-"

    ReplyDelete
  34. Like the fucking Stones need the money...


    ...and I dont care what anybody says, the Beatles were better than the Stones and always will be...

    ReplyDelete
  35. I also enjoyed the Rock's 2003 Heel theme the best of all his themes....

    ReplyDelete
  36. Aside from changing Sherri's vocals to Shawn's. But even then the music itself hasn't changed one bit since Shawn started flying solo.

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  37. That's really odd if true considering that he often bragged about being a fan of KISS, Megadeth, Metallica and Motorhead both on his on-air commentary and in the column that he wrote for WCW Magazine.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Speaking of which, isn't the Warrior's theme and the Rockers's theme the exact same song?

    ReplyDelete
  39. This played much different music on my C64.

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  40. I think a wrestling show rises or falls with the main event and Bam Bam vs LT was maybe the worst WM main event ever. At least from the star power - which wasn't there. Bret vs Yoko and Yoko vs Hogan had at least some big wrestling main eventers while Bam Bam wasn't a main eventer and LT wasn't even a wrestler.

    ReplyDelete
  41. During Stone Cold's 2001 heel run, WWE very briefly gave him a remixed theme ("Bionic Redneck") that was menacing but still recognizable and, I thought, perfect for his heel character. But then they dropped it like a week or two later.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Static noise for Punk
    Sierra. Hotel. India. Echo. Lima. Delta. SHIELD
    Viva la Raza!
    Y2J's countdown...

    ReplyDelete
  43. Cena vs. Miz was a worse main event, and possibly so was Sid versus Taker at 13.

    From a technical standpoint I think 11 was better than 9, especially the title match, but the main problem was that it felt so ordinary and hardly like a Werstlemania. At least this one had a cool atmosphere.

    ReplyDelete
  44. There's a tree on my house.

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  45. Cena vs Miz had at least one main eventer and sid vs taker two. Having no main eventer in a wrestlemania main event is IMO not so good.I mean, for a celebrity match it was OK, but not for a Wrestlemania main event. If Diesel vs HBK would have been the last match... it's IMO all about the order. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  46. I was talking more about the actual quality of the match, but by those standards, you're right.

    ReplyDelete
  47. WrestleMania IV is my pick for the worst. Holy shit was that long and boring.

    ReplyDelete
  48. For me, the quality of the match isn't so important, if I don't care about the guys involved.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I lived across the street from a school growing up, and every June, during graduation ceremonies, I hoped Randy Savage was about to come out. I was most disappointed during my own high school graduation when he no-showed.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I still don't understand why Raven didn't come out to the "Evenflow" riff. It WAS the name of his DDT finisher after all.

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  51. I doubt the guy at the station would care, unless he was A) a huge OLP fan that didn't want to upset the band or B) one of the anti-anything Benoit folks.

    Either is unlikely. I still have "Whatever" on rotation in my iPod.

    ReplyDelete
  52. The Mountie's first theme was way better in my opinion. One of my favorite instrumental themes from the 80's / 90's WWF period. Was so perfectly suited for his character...

    ReplyDelete
  53. Almost every single piece of the WCW public domain generic garbage music was terrible and didn't fit the character. Remember the music Curt Hennig used to come out to? How do you give the former Mr.Perfect... THIS?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCEOx6Vo1eA

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  54. Absolutely my favorite current theme. I need to remember to grab that at some point.

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  55. "Rap is Crap" was awesome though. Win some and lose some.

    ReplyDelete
  56. No love for "Badstreet USA"? The baddest street in Atlanta, GA?

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  57. I guess length of time kinda made it... good? I dunno. It sorta reminds me of when Fry is listening to Baby Got Back and Leela tells him to turn off the classical music.

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  58. I know McMahon & co. don't really want to acknowledge the existence of a behind-the-scenes crew, especially if it means they have to afford someone else kudos for any aspect of the company's success, but Jim Johnston is owed a HOF induction whenever he chooses to retire.

    They could do a cool end to that year's show by having him and a band do a medley of his greatest hits.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 6:17 AM

    It's a, like a, battery car

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  60. I wasn't serious!

    Anyway, I enjoy this show much more than 2 or 11 (haven't seen 15 since it aired), even though the match quality was subpar. The opening with JR, Savage and Heenan probably helped.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 6:18 AM

    ...Okay, then I kinda like him. Or hate him less.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Mr. Satan (Pat P. Pro)December 30, 2013 at 6:20 AM

    I like the Stones' hits but their LPs taken in whole are a bore, whereas I'm an unabashed Beatles hater (sans the Harrison material and Helter Skelter). Either way, they're all money grubbing bastards.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:21 AM

    Dx had great music especially when the play it from the very beginning.

    ECW picked great themes for it's wrestlers as well. Sandman, RVD and New Jack were pretty much defined by their theme music.
    TNA typically has terrible entrance music, but when they get it right they NAIL it. (Roode, Winter, TBP, Joe and AJ's last theme)

    "Ziggler absolutely needs better entrance music,"
    Ziggler needs better everything.

    ReplyDelete
  64. This times a million. Austin's theme is actually generic and pointless. Except it starts very uniquely and suddenly and announces 'holy fuck austin is here!' And, let's be honest, after the glass breaks, you can't hear the rest of it over the crowd pop.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:23 AM

    John Cena TOTALLY ripped off Jadakiss' ("The champ is HERE") even was doing his laugh for awhile.

    ReplyDelete
  66. But Zigglers theme is great...

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  67. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:27 AM

    http://youtu.be/BLMEe0kbCrw <---or GTFO.

    ReplyDelete
  68. You know what I used to love? "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" for Stephanie. Actually, at that time, Shane's music was also pretty great with "Here Come's the Money." Same with Vince. They all had very recognizable music. Steph's current music sounds like every other Diva now. Actually, they all sound way too similar.


    Just one more reason among dozens that the division is a joke.

    ReplyDelete
  69. The most important part of great entrance music is being absolutely unmistakable when it starts. It's not all that important during say an announced ppv match, it's important during a surprise. Interrupting a promo, making a save, entering the rumble. It has to hit with an impact.

    The funny thing about hogan is that real American is arguably his second best theme. Voodoo Child may be the best natural into music ever. It builds quickly to an amazing crescendo of sound. Tremendous.

    And I'm annoyed that I've never found a good mp3 of the video of Real American. The one that starts with the singing, not the music.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:28 AM

    Yeah, I've found it on youtube but nowhere else.

    ReplyDelete
  71. But can you say your Act of Contrition?

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  72. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:29 AM

    As a side note, I thought Christian's theme was great (the one that sounds like opera) and Goldberg's was effective for getting his character over.

    ReplyDelete
  73. At last your on your own!

    ReplyDelete
  74. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:30 AM

    I hated that song. A waste of Naughty by Nature.

    ReplyDelete
  75. So I'm guessing by all this discussion that the WWE music/how it's made dvd should do well.

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  76. why not rip the mp3 off youtube?

    ReplyDelete
  77. Neither can hold a candle to the Corporate Amish Deadman phase.

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  78. I have Edge's theme and This Fire Burns.

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  79. Recognizable, instantly though. I don't think the Divas are allowed to have rock music anymore. AJ Lee coming out to generic girl pop is a tragedy.

    ReplyDelete
  80. The Harlem Heat/Booker T music was good. They still use it for Booker.

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  81. Yeah. It worked for the character as well in a weird way. I hated the music, but it fills the criteria for what we're talking about.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Lance Storm has El Phantasmo abnd the chicken Blast-O-Rama. Made him much cooler and interesting than he actually was.

    ReplyDelete
  83. The Sandman alone was great.


    Criminal that they didn't just pony up for the license when they did WWECW. I think it killed something about his debut right off the start.

    ReplyDelete
  84. I actually like Luger's generic music when he made his run against Hogan.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Stones credited the blues singers they covered.

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  86. Voodoo Chile is great, but Enter Sandman is better. If somebody came out to it now for a one-night-only WWE match, the crowd would crap itself.

    ReplyDelete
  87. Yes but IV had the awesome foldout Hogan VHS case that makes it better than every other WrestleMania.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:48 AM

    I'm not that big on the song.

    ReplyDelete
  89. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonDecember 30, 2013 at 6:49 AM

    I'm surprised they didn't pay Nikki Minaj to put something together for her.

    ReplyDelete
  90. The Outlaws was good also. Had the distinctive opening "oh you didn't know" to pop the crowd and the repetitive guitar catchyness. Yea, the road dogg spiel help helped but on its own it was good.

    ReplyDelete
  91. The Real Americans' theme hits their character dead-on, a sort of twisted Revolutionary War march.


    Jerry Lawler used the theme from Rocky II for years, and that fit him like a glove.


    The worst? Shake shake your booty - shakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeit!

    ReplyDelete
  92. Dutch Mantell brings the kids together to speak as one.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Jimmy Hart's bank account loves it.

    ReplyDelete
  94. I thought Abyss and Raven had pretty badass themes. LAX's music was great too.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Jericho needs to use Basketball Highlights #12 again.

    ReplyDelete
  96. I honestly find TNA's audio system to be so bad that even their good entrance theme's tend to not sound good.

    ReplyDelete
  97. I would like a WWE live in concert show.

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  98. Perfect timing - I received WWE '14 for Christmas and was playing the Wrestlemania storyline, and I just got to WM 9 last night. It brought me back to watching this live with my buddies - and marked the point in my fandom where I officially turned on Hogan.


    Just like your analysis, I remember thinking it was weird that Okerlund interviewed Hogan before the match - and when he came out afterwards, I had the premonition that "Oh man - he's gonna end up with the belt somehow". And just like that...


    Good recap -


    BBB

    ReplyDelete
  99. It's sold on iTunes 2 ways, 1. WWE, 2. The original artist.
    If you want the WWE version, it's called Live in Fear.
    If you want the original, it's called Broken Out in Love.

    ReplyDelete
  100. I'm gonna see the boat movie.

    ReplyDelete
  101. "Dutch Mantell brings the kids together to speak as one... in a loud clear voice"


    FIFY

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  102. I doubt they have it... if they do I doubt they get the wrestling connection.

    ReplyDelete
  103. Her current theme is AWFUL. It's not at all recognizable. It seems to have nothing to do with her character. It's not catchy and it doesn't illicit a reaction.
    I believe they dumped "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" because of 9/11, with the images coming out of people leaping out of the World Trade Center. Obviously, that connection wouldn't be made today....but it's why they dumped it originally.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Awesome, thanks for the assist!

    ReplyDelete
  105. A perfect example of how important it is is the ending of last week's Raw. The faces are standing tall, Cena's music plays, Punk's music plays and then they cut in Big E' s and everything dies. No energy, no emotion.

    ReplyDelete
  106. I HATED the Styles mashup when they seemed to ditch his "loner" character for the last few weeks before he left. "Evil Ways" was just so good by itself... ESPECIALLY the Slammiversary return with the extended theme.

    ReplyDelete
  107. He RSVP but another commitment arose that he had to attend to?

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  108. The one saving grace of the WCW Slam Jam album... Simply Ravishing is a guilty pleasure of mine.

    ReplyDelete
  109. YO YA DEALIN WITH THE X FACTOR... I got everything I ever wanted and I'll never give that back I know you hate X factor but you aint gotta look at me like that...

    ReplyDelete
  110. I always considered it the Baseball Tonight Highlight #7.

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  111. Warrior's is a little faster on the beats. Their entrances are a good reflection of their themes:


    Warrior: SPRINT TO THE RING, BLOW UP HARD.
    Rockers: Jog to the ring, bouncy and peppy.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Kind of like the 1991 Royal Rumble, when he didn't come out after he bashed the Warrior's head in, yeah.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Worst entrance music I can remember.

    ReplyDelete
  114. Also forgotten, sadly:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci1wkgqt6g8

    ReplyDelete
  115. I think for a stable of X-Pac, Albert, and Justin Credible it was very fitting

    ReplyDelete
  116. Hollywood Rock in 2003 was awesome. It was so incredibly pretentious and self-aggrandizing.


    Hogan's 2 most famous themes are perfect. Hogan waving the US flag, flexing. Or Hollywood Hogan taking his sweet-ass time of having like a 5 minute entrance while posing with the Outsiders, Bischoff, Ted DiBiase, Rodman, whoever else, showing off the belt, saying 4Life and Too Sweet!

    ReplyDelete
  117. I'm assuming by fitting you mean "terrible music for terrible performers" then I'm completely on board

    ReplyDelete
  118. Scary thought: They're only a trip to Target away from a reunion.

    ReplyDelete
  119. I didn't realize Shane Douglas was a member also

    ReplyDelete
  120. Is that Bray Wyatt's theme at the end, in bit music? Sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  121. Yeah. Been years since I watched it but I remember it being incredibly dull, which is a bigger crime than being shitty. WM XV is incredibly shitty, but apart from the HITC match and the Women's Title bout, it's never really boring.


    WMs XI and 13 always get a ton of hatred but I think they're OK - there's nothing boring on them, there are some clear highlights and some good stuff dotted throughout them.


    WM27 is probably up there with the worst - a four hour advert for Rock/Cena at WM28, no highlights, matches we'd seen many times before and shitty, uninspired feuds.

    ReplyDelete
  122. Well considering that the Rockers' theme is essentially a sped-up version of the Warrior's...

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  123. Two things here...I read that Hogan winning was supposed to lead into a program with Bret Hart with Hart defeating Hogan at Summerslam in a face vs face match or possibly a heel-ish Hogan. Hogan later decided he didnt want to drop clean to Hart. This true? Secondly, and it's funny but I'm dead serious, WHY JUST BY GAWD WHY did Giant Gonzalez wear a flesh colored muscle & fur body suit? For real....why? Worst. Attire. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  124. I liked both Orton themes, but if I remember correctly, didn't Randy say he hated the "Legend Killer" music?

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  125. Since no-one seems to have mentioned it yet, I'll point out that I really liked Batista's music back when he was in evolution/gradually turning on HHH. They ruined it by adding a whiny vocal like they did a lot during that era (Benoit, Orton and even Austin for a while had good themes ruined by this) but the instrumental version was great.

    ReplyDelete
  126. ECW got it right with their entrance music. Popular, likable, familiar songs that fit with each wrestler. Songs that could pump up the crowd while being played throughout an entire impromptu throw down. Tell me Sandman's entrance isn't one of the best ever with his Enter Sandman being a big part of that.

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  127. And don't forget the eloquent way our hero and role model put his analysis, that he'd challenge Bret or "that Jap."

    ReplyDelete
  128. You can only say a match is overrated if other people put it over as a classic and I've never read anyone say that they thought the Perfect/Luger match was great.

    Sure at the time most fans at the time probably thought it'd be a good match given how good the Flair/Luger series were and a lot of people liking Perfect to Flair.

    ReplyDelete
  129. It's a lot easier when you don't have to pay royalties.

    ReplyDelete
  130. Uh, that's his whole point.

    ReplyDelete
  131. Yes Douglas, I was just reiterating.

    ReplyDelete
  132. Natural Born Killers, played on a loop for 15 minutes

    ReplyDelete
  133. Yeah sure. Me too.

    ReplyDelete
  134. Definition: "say something again or a number of times, typically for emphasis or clarity."

    If you need help clarifying the meaning, let me help you...

    "Dougie2876 is in his mid 40s and trolls wrestling boards. He also steals people avatars to make his own emoticons. In addition to this mature behavior he is embattled in a multi year feud with Jesse Baker over a comic book subscription list"

    See, I just "reiterated" all these facts. They are things we already knew but I repeated them. "Reiterate"

    ReplyDelete
  135. Interesting story, when Cody was switching over to the Beautiful Nightmare gimmick he had with the facemask and all that, the industrial band Razed In Black (like NIN but with more emphasis on breakbeat and trance stuff added in with the rock than noise) was commissioned to redo his entrance music, and they made this really dynamic, heavy, dark yet melodic number...which WWE promptly shit all over and sent the most unprofessional response back ever. He posted it, said something to effect of "You obviously just don't GET the WWE, man...entertainment superstars blah blah blah." And so of course they went with the generic pap Scott described instead. It really was such a horribly immature response to commissioned work that I'm surprised Vince himself didn't write it.

    ReplyDelete
  136. I totally believe that you got that was a joke! Completely!

    ReplyDelete
  137. Yes. Batista's instrumental theme was a thousand times better. Same with Benoit's.

    ReplyDelete
  138. It wasn't your best work. I know you THINK you are smart and witty so here's a tip for you...When you have a well deserved reputation as a contrarian troll, people tend to not take your posts seriously. See: the boy who cried wolf

    ReplyDelete
  139. I'm sorry you got so upset about me 100% believing that the joke didn't totally go over your head.

    ReplyDelete
  140. I hate pretty much every modern theme with a few exceptions. Punk's is iconic, the Real Americans fits them perfectly, the Wyatt Family has a great theme. Orton's is the worst theme music a main eventer has ever had in my book. Just grating and terrible on every level. Big Show's music is hilariously bad and it's weird that it's stuck around so long.

    I'm more of a fan of the old instrumental pieces guys like Razor Ramon, Jake Roberts, Ultimate Warrior and Bret Hart used.

    ReplyDelete
  141. Nice try. Not phased at all. Just trying to point out that it wasn't funny and explain to you why. I'm here to help you Douglas

    ReplyDelete
  142. We're not the Mounties! We're handsome! We're brave! We're strong!

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  143. In addition to pinning Shawn in a non-title match, Tatanka also pinned him in a six-man tag leading up to WM.

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  144. The Hart thing is one of the famous "Bret said it, based on lies Vince McMahon told him" stories that Bret probably believed would happen but was never actually in the cards.

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  145. Jim Johnston should be inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame, no question. Give the guy a public thanks for all his contributions over the years.

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  146. I loved that Jacques Rougeau sang all of his theme songs, whether it was with his brother, as the Mountie, and as a Quebecer.

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  147. I can't speak to that story, but the thing I like about Cody's music is that he's had the same theme, but with three (I guess four now) different remixes to fit his character. And for what it's worth, I liked the version he used when he was the Beautiful Nightmare.

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  148. I WALK A MILE THROUGH THIS PIT OF DANGER

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  149. I dug Benoit's theme with the vocals added

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  150. Hell yea on 2003 Rock. With the totally unnecessary, but necessary minute long intro before the music fully hit. Gold.

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  151. Kaitlyn's theme said "Hey what's up!?"

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  152. ITS A SHAMEFUL THING LOBSTER HEAD TOO MANY LIMES...

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  153. The Viscera porno theme was pretty sweet as well

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  154. Yep. He also used "This Fire Burns" (Punk's old theme) once in 2005 or 2006. As you'd expect, it didn't really suit him and he went right back to "Burn in My Light".

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  155. Is that the one he used when he feuded with babyface Angle? 'Cause that theme rocked.

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  156. ^^ This. Jimmy Hart deserves a mention as well

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  157. Personally I think you're being a bit harsh on 27 if only for the overall wrestling quality. Edge/Del Rio, Punk/Orton, Rey/Cody, and HHH/Taker were all great IMO. Now the overall build up you have a point however.

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  158. Yeah when they added the "I'll show you, you'll see!" soundbite, it was 1000x better.

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  159. Call me crazy, but I LOVE Madison Rayne's "Killer Queen"....but I think it's probably on the wrong person. That music literally screams crazy stalker chick (i.e. Mickie James during the "obsessed with Trish" phase)

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  160. Yep....and for the record I LOVE rap...but that was funny!

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  161. The best music the Rock ever had was towards the end of his run with the nation where he would use the NOD music, which started with "You smell what the Rock is cookin?"

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  162. The Gangsta Lean version Heel Eddie was using at the time of his death

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  163. True.......but This Fire Burns=Waaaaaaay better

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  164. I'm not sure how ANYBODY could be shocked that....THIS GUY is gay????
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIgZ7gMze7A

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  165. We got over 200 posts....and no one has mentioned the obvious? THE FABULOUS FREEBIRDS! Did anybody's music fit them like a glove any better?

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  166. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=py2Z41ABQDY It's that jericho only used for a short period of time,one of the best themes I have listen.



    KING OF MY WORLD!

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  167. Works for me.

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  168. They were mentioned below, including original Freebird, Georgia On My Mind, and Badstreet USA.

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  169. The Li'l Kim song she had fit her so much better and actually had a catchy beat.

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  170. I do wish WWE Anthology would have used Break The Walls Down instead of King Of My World.


    King's not a bad theme, but Break is so ingrained with Jericho.

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  171. I still say QT Marshall is the worst worker in ROH. Hardy at least has some heat, Marshall is completely useless.

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  172. Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

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  173. He switched back to Lie Cheat Steal a couple of weeks before his death, but yeah, that one was awesome.

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  174. I also dig the big show mash up in their tag team days.

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  175. "I'm All Grown Up", IIRC. It's okay.

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  176. OLP is huge around here, I'm sure they have it.

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  177. In ROH only Steen has a badass theme,especially with the Saw intro.

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  178. This one? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_Mh5u0W0kE


    I love how pretentiously dramatic and over the top it is. Fit The Rock's character at the time so well.

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  179. I think he's talking about the slower theme he used during the Two-Man Power Trip run, before the Invasion

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  180. I always forget about BBB/LT, though as far as big man vs. non-wrestler matches goes it's pretty God damned good.


    I've never seen 1-6 (though I have seen the important matches from those shows), but 27 "wins" the worst WM award by a mile, IMO.

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  181. Everyone i know hates this one,however I freakin love it

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bnkRDp41hs

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  182. wm 13 at least has my favorite match of all time. Bret V Austin baby!

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  183. Bret Austin was the only one that was legit 5 stars though, so in my book 13 is the best of the worst lol.

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  184. didnt he suffer a bad concussion and doesnt remember shit from that match (the miz), maybe that had to do a little with why it was not good.

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  185. If Khali has "decent mobility", I'd hate to see what would be considered bad mobility.

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  186. At my high school graduation (2001), a few of my buddies and I walked with the rest of the class down the aisle to our seats twirling our fingers in the air and saying "Oooooh Yeaaahhhh!" It only seemed appropriate.

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  187. I love the original version of Austin's theme that he had from 1996-98. The same basic song but it had a harder edge to it.

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  188. CONSTIPATION IS A MYSTERY!
    I CAN'T POO BUT I CAN PEE!


    Still the funniest wrestling song "mod" I've ever seen. Other than the easy, crass Demolition one of course.

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  189. voodoo child was awesome for hollywood hogan!

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  190. A decent read. Worth noting that Backlund came back at the Rumble in 93 where I believe he was the unofficial ironman of the match.

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  191. Sounds like HBK was an indian giver at that time. In the words of Pete Rose:
    "How bout it!"

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  192. As mentioned, Rock's 2003 "Hollywood Heel" theme is just over the top awesome in my eyes. And I think you have to get Goldberg up there as well.


    Having said all that.....Enter Sandman. Period.

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  193. That's the one. I think part of the problem (as WWE would see it) was that the music might have been too quiet. I remember the first time he came out to it, you could barely hear it because the crowd was so loud.

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  194. I always thought Stone Cold Steve Austin's music with lyrics was good. "I'm breaking the living inside ya," or something.

    Also when X-pac started to use the Run-DMC version of the DX theme.

    'One of a Kind' for RVD was great.

    And I think Shane O' Mac's 'money money money' music is absolutely fantastic. Especially when he comes out all cocky and skipping like he knocked out Joe Frazier.

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  195. Holy crap, I actually had this. Wrestling games weren't that plentiful at the time and nice how it works well with graphics and moves that would take a while for other games to catch up to.

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