(Apologies in advance for this one, as it’s an old rant that I’m not particularly fond of, but my plans for redoing it tonight after work went by the wayside when we got to drop the kid off with the grandparents and go see Spider-Man 2. So you get this and YOU LIKE IT. Although I could have SWORN I redid this one just after Joey Maggs died because I remember feeling bad about making a wisecrack about him, but I can’t find it anywhere.)
(Also, Amazing 2 was pretty good, although by this point I’m like “WTF is even the point anymore?”)
The Netcop Retro Rant for Clash of the Champions XV (June 1991)
- Live from Knoxville, Tennessee.
- Hosted by Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone.
- Opening match: The Freebirds & Bradstreet v. The Young Pistols and
Tom Zenk.
(Jesus fuck, AGAIN with the Freebirds and Pistols to open a Clash?!) The Birds have DDP, Big Daddy Dink and Kimberly all in their
corner. Badstreet is of course Brad Armstrong in failed gimmick #2929B.
Referee for about half the matches tonight is Bill Alphonso. Hey, the
Freebirds still suck, surprise surprise. Brad Armstrong, however, rules
the fucking world playing a rudo-type character here. They should fired
Hayes and Garvin and kept Badstreet. Pretty silly ending to a blah
match as the faces sunset flip into the ring on all three Birds at the
same time and Fonzie counts all three down for the pin. Lots of
flipping and flopping, but no real substance. (Kind of like Spider-Man, AMIRIGHT?)
- The Great and Mighty Oz v. Johnny Rich.
I think we've made all the
Kevin Nash jokes we can make in one lifetime here on RSPW, so I'll pass. (Pretty sure this was written before he even broke the streak. So there were still plenty more to come.)
He actually moves *way* faster and smoother here than he has since 1995,
and finishes Rich off after the usual moves with the tornado slam, a
move which I personally miss. It's done by putting the guy in a
position for an Outsider Edge, then spinning around a few times and
letting him go. Brutal.
- PN News promo. Yo baby, yo baby, yo! This, btw, marks the beginning
of The Bad Period for WCW in 1991.
- Dan Spivey v. Big Josh.
I still don't know what Vince saw in Matt
Bourne that made him want to sign him, but I guess that's why I'm not
the owner of the WWF. (Also, I don’t have $350 million to lose.) Spivey tries to salvage something watchable here,
but Josh sucks hard. Sullivan comes down (during his poofy hair period)
and whacks Josh with a crutch, allowing Spivey to get the pin, thus
setting up the epic Big Josh-Black Blood match at Bash '91. And people
wonder why everyone hates that PPV so much... (I don’t think anyone wonders. And what was my problem with Bourne? He was great!)
- WCW Top 10. (Wait, where’s the gag? I promise I’ll redo this show later with better bits, honest.)
- Paul E. interviews Jason Hervey (the big brother on the Wonder Years).
Hervey was dating Missy Hyatt at this point. Paul verbally berates
Hervey and makes fun of his relationship with Missy, but Jason fights
back and declares the interview over. I wouldn't turn around, Jason...
*POW!!!!!* Phone to the head!
Well, can't say I didn't warn ya. Missy bounces in and protects her
boyfriend from further yuppie attack. If only Jason had bled, this
would be perfection. Paul E was SO cool back then. Damn phone
shattered in two. Way cool...I love celebrity punkings. (I hate this rant.)
- Dustin Rhodes v. Terrence Taylor.
I guess Dustin was impressed with
Alexandra York's managerial technique, because he married her a few
months later. She's now known as Marlena, of course. (There you go, written in 96.)
I can appreciate
the talent of Terry Taylor so much more today, watching him carry Rhodes
to a watchable match despite Dustin's almost total (and genetic) lack of
talent at that point. The flip, flop and fly works here, in case you're
wondering. Rhodes goes for the bulldog, but Mr. Hughes and Ricky Morton
and Big Josh all run in and it turns into a big clusterfuck. Double-DQ.
- Johnny B. Badd promo. He's so pretty, he should've been born a girl!
I don't how Marc Mero sleeps at night knowing that he used to make a
living doing this shit...I'm so glad he has a more dignified gimmick
now, that of the conceited wife-beating ex-boxer. (Or written in 98 then, I guess)
- Sting v. Nikita Koloff.
This is the blowoff after Koloff nailed Sting
by accident at Superbrawl. Koloff yells a lot and no-sells Sting's
offense. And that's about it. Koloff slowly pounds on him for 10
minutes, then Sting misses a splash, but Koloff misses a Sickle and
Sting gets the quick pin with a rollup.
- PN News brings out two of the skanks from Salt N Pepa (Ho baby, ho
baby, ho!) and does an embarrassingly bad "rap". Johnny B. Badd comes
out to confront him, lord knows why. I can't even describe how bad this
was. Of course, Dusty Rhodes was booking so it's at least
explainable...
- Hey, yo. Diamond Studd promo. Survey says...nobody gives a shit until
1994 when Shawn carries his ass to a ***** match.
- Arn Anderson & Barry Windham v. El Gigante & Brian Pillman (loser
leaves WCW).
Gee, I wonder who jobs here? This is the result of
WarGames, where the Horsemen legit injured Pillman (or rather, Sid did).
It's a pretty good match, mainly because Gigante does nothing more
involved than standing on the apron and looking tall. Surprisingly
quick, as Pillman goes for a bodypress of the top about 5 minutes in,
and Windham pushes him off and kicks him right in the face (ouch!) and
pins him. Of course, the Yellow Dog showed up to avenge the loss at
Bash 91 against Windham. Gotta love that Dusty Rhodes...
- IWGP tag title match: Rick & Scott Steiner v. Hiroshi Hase & Masa
Chono.
Hey, remember when the Steiners v. nWo Japan produced a *good*
match? Hase and Chono are total bad-ass SWANK heels here, beating the
hell out of Rick with a bunch of cool shit that JR actually knows the
name of! Yeah! Finally, Scott gets in and cleans house, hitting Hase
with the Frankensteiner and getting the pin. Great match. The
Hardliners (Murdoch and Slater) run in and beat up the Steiners after
the match, and injure Scott's arm in the process. Bet WCW was happy to
hear that. (Wait, are you being SARCASTIC, 1998 Scott?)
- The Diamond Studd v. Tommy Rich.
No survey tonight. It'd be kinda
one-sided, I think. Much like this match, as Studd pounds the hell out
of Rich and finishes it off with the Outsider Edge/Razor's Edge/Diamond
Death Drop.
- Jim Ross interviews some kind who won a Sting lookalike contest
despite looking nothing like Sting. I smell an angle. Sting comes out
to congratulate him personally. Awwwww. Then Koloff comes out to nail
Sting with a big chain. Awwww. The kid cries. I go get more iced tea.
- The Great Muta v. Lex Luger (Winner gets the title shot at Bash 91).
Muta has another off-night, doing nothing notable except a nice bump
after he misses a handspring elbow. Luger blocks a mist spray and
powerslams him for a quick win. The match only lasted like 3 minutes.
- Steve Austin v. Joey Maggs.
This is Austin's major league debut, and
it lasts all of 30 seconds as he stun-guns Maggs almost right after the
bell and gets the pin. If you think Lady Blossom has some huge
gazongas, give me a HELL YEAH!
- Black Blood promo. Billy Jack Hayes, in case you're about to ask.
- The York Foundation introduces Richard Morton as the newest member,
then they punk Robert Gibson for fun. Morton looks like a tool with a
business suit and long blond hair...
- Main Event: Ric Flair v. Bobby Eaton (2/3 falls).
This is *such* a
good match. It harkens back to the days when a contender could get a
win over the champ without the champ jobbing. Hard fought first fall
has Bobby going over clean with the Alabama Jam to a big pop. That
lasted about 12 minutes. Eaton then goes out again to start the second
fall, but Flair pushes him off the top rope to the concrete, for the
countout. That lasted all of a minute. Then for the third fall, Eaton
gets back in and Flair works over the knee for a few minutes, Eaton
tries the comeback, and Flair figure-fours him until he blacks out for
the pin. That only lasted another two minutes. Ergh. Still, the first
fall was excellent, and the rest was a little disappointing. This was
Flair's last major match before going to Titan-land, btw.
The Bottom Line: Transitional show for WCW, as they introduced all the
(lame) new talent they signed and began another wretched era by firing
Ric Flair and gambling on Lex Luger as champion. As a heel. (shakes
head). Dusty Rhodes is an idiot, but at least he isn't Ole Anderson, I
guess.
Still, this card was pretty fun overall and worth watching for the Paul
E punking and the main event at least.
Later...
(Someone PLEASE tell me I redid this one in a more readable style. PLEASE.)
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