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The PG Era Rant: Raw, 08.25.14

The PG Era Rant for Raw, August 25, 2014.

Your Raw Preview:

  • Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Shawn Michaels host a Hall of Fame Forum.
  • John Cena and Bray Wyatt meet in a WrestleMania rematch.
  • Seth Rollins will deliver a eulogy to Dean Ambrose.
  • Brie and Nikki Bella attempt to hash out their family differences.
  • The Usos face the Brotherhood for the Tag Team Championships.

Live from Anaheim, CA.

Your hosts are loud, old, and overwhelmed.


Michael Cole is in the ring to bring in the panelists for the Hall of Fame Forum – Hogan, Flair, and Michaels. HASHTAG! The topic is John Cena against Brock Lesnar, both SummerSlam's match and Night of Champions' Rematch. Shawn is asked about Cena's chances. He says it ain't happening. He elaborates: there's a time when someone reaches the crossroads, and that's where Cena is. Maybe Cena should walk away. Hogan says everyone knows it's their time, and Cena isn't done yet – he can still go. Flair is asked what he thinks – he hinted he agreed with Shawn. He clarifies that, hey, Cena's a great wrestler, a 15-time champ, the Franchise... but seriously, against Brock? No.

Cole asks Hogan to pick a winner. Hogan says he's good friends with Cena and that Hustle/Loyalty/Respect is really his thing. Hogan will root for Cena. Flair: “Whoa, I like him too!” Shawn makes it clear that this isn't about popularity. Hogan, though, remembers Extreme Rules 2012: Cena won that. Michaels jumps in and emphasizes the beating Cena took. Hogan returns with “yeah, but he won”. This is the rubber match, and Hogan believes in Cena. Michaels says no one believes it – not even Hogan.

Before this argument gets too heated, John Cena himself arrives. Michaels and Hogan stand out of respect, but Flair doesn't. He says everyone has an opinion on Cena – what's next? What's he thinking? Everyone has something to say about him, but now he has to say something. Cena tries to milk a chant, but the crowd wants to hear him. Cena has respect for all three Hall of Famers – he's friends with Shawn, partied with Flair, and been influenced by Hogan.

BUT... he's sick of other people talking for him. He's going to say what's happening right now. Yeah, he got suplexed into a pulp at SummerSlam, and no way to get around – he got 100% mugged. But as Shawn said, a fight like that changes a man. He had no hesitation – he wanted to fight Brock Lesnar again. Yeah, Shawn doesn't get it; why go at it again? Are you crazy?

No, because it won't happen again. He'll bring the fight this time. He knows about the Hall of Famers' doubts. This match, though, is his biggest rematch. He's not there to beat Brock Lesnar; he's there to beat his ass. And with that, he leaves. That's the last word.

Tonight: Cena faces Bray Wyatt! The Tag Team Titles are on the line! But next, Rusev against Jack Swagger, one last time!

After last week's recap and the replies to it, I'll paraphrase Chris Rock: I don't agree with Brock Lesnar as WWE Champion right now. But I am saying I understand.

Rusev v. Jack Swagger. WE THE SQUASH VICTIMS! Please, WWE, prove me pessimistic. Zeb Colter is still recovering. It's a slugfest to start, but Rusev works the ribs as JBL keeps the hate on. Swagger with a back elbow, sending Rusev out of the ring. Back in, Swagger keeps up the attack in the corner. Swagger with a double-leg and he tries the Ankle Lock, but Rusev scrambles to the ropes and bails. WE THE PEOPLE! Back in, Swagger with an amateur takedown and he holds the ride. Rusev bails again, but this time Swagger follows and sends Rusev into the table. Rusev eats apron, and back in, it's an avalanche clothesline. Cole yells at JBL as Swagger works over Rusev in the corner. Rusev catches Swagger and hangs him up on the ropes, driving him out of the ring ribs-first as we go to break.

I cannot emphasize this enough: let this end with Swagger beating the tar out of JBL. Or, rather, ANYONE beating the tar out of JBL. He's too busy getting himself over to get the Superstars over, and that's when an announcer stops being effective. It's what Ventura did right, what Cole did wrong when he was a heel, and what Heenan did right.

Rusev/Swagger, part two. Rusev has a bearhug as a WE THE PEOPLE chant rings out. Swagger fights out, but runs into a spin kick from Rusev. Rusev points to the Russian flag for heel heat, but he takes too long as Swagger gets a belly-to-belly. Comeback begins with a clothesline and running knee, then a big boot. He points to Old Glory for face heat, then it's a Vaderbomb... but Rusev tries to block it! But Swagger's ready, and he gets the Ankle Lock! Rusev is yanked to the center of the ring, with Rusev biting his hand to stop tapping. Rusev slides under the ropes for a break, then bails. Swagger follows to the outside as the crowd gets into it. Rusev sends Swagger into the apron, twice. Swagger rolls in, and Rusev follows, hobbling to Swagger as it's Crush time. But Swagger reverses to the Ankle Lock again! He turns it into a jack-knife cover, getting a close two. Crowd was ready for that. Rusev with a kick to the ribs to send Swagger down. He kicks the back of Swgger in the corner, pounding on Swagger as the ref checks if he can continue. Rusev taunts Swagger, who yells “WE THE PEOPLE” at him. That brings more punishment. He keeps kicking the back as the ref keeps checking in. Crowd tries to rally Swagger as the ref shows concern. He stomps on the ribs in the ropes as the ref keeps checking in, as Lana finds this hilarious. A kick to the ribs from a standing start follows, then more stomping until the ref calls the match off and awards it to Rusev at 12:34. So Swagger isn't Rocky, but Apollo. Got it. **1/4 Swagger keeps saying he's fine on the outside.

Later tonight, Jerry Lawler will attempt to get the Bella sisters back on the same page! Plus, RVD faces Cesaro, winner gets Sheamus for the US Title at some point in the future!

If he jobs, he jobs.

Backstage, the doctors are checking out Swagger's ribs when Bo Dallas pays a visit to rub it in. Jack let his country down again. He needs to Bo Lieve. Swagger really doesn't wanna hear it.

#1 Contenders Match for the United States Title: Cesaro (in the ring) v. Rob Van Dam. Sheamus is on commentary, and he says he has no preference for who he faces because they'll both be good opponents. HASHTAG! Cesaro with a right hand after some dancing around, then he strikes away. Uppercut and he waves to Sheamus. RVD flips over on a backdrop attempt and gets a superkick and Rolling Thunder for one. Cesaro blocks a kick and drives knees into RVD's gut. A straight right and he taunts Sheamus again before jumping on RVD's neck. He guillotines RVD on the bottom rope, getting two. Cravate-type headlock follows, then a kick to the head getting one. Back to the cravate. RVD gets up, avoiding a blind charge and getting the high kick and split-legged moonsault for two. Cesaro catches RVD on a leapfrog, but RVD escapes and gets a springboard kick. To the top, but Cesaro rolls away to the outside before the jump. Cesaro drapes RVD on the top rope, and back in, the Neutralizer ends it at 3:34. 3/4* If the match is going to be that short, it should be more decisive. Cesaro grabs the title at ringside and admires it before throwing it back at Sheamus. Cesaro wants to get Sheamus mad, but Sheamus would rather save it for the match.

Next week, it's Attitude Week on the WWE Network! 9.99! RAWs from the Attitude Era! The first ever Nitros! Monday Night Wars mini-series begins! 9.99! All PPVs! 9.99! Royal Rumble!

Coming up: John Cena faces Bray Wyatt! But up next, Paige!

I don't get it. If you're going to put Cesaro over RVD, whose only value is that a win over him still means something, and the match will only last 3 minutes, make it a big win. This was kind of underwhelming in the long run.

We look back at last week, when Natalya stole one from Paige with “help” from AJ Lee.

Natalya v. Paige. This is non-title, because how many times do you have to beat the champ before getting a title shot anyway? We get replays of SummerSlam. Natalya with a quick cradle for one, but Paige begs off only to land a forearm shiver. Paige skips around before headbutting Natalya repeatedly. To the abdominal stretch (no toe hook), which goes on a while. Natalya reverses it (and she hooks the toe), but Paige escapes and gets a snapmare. Paige with a kick, but she runs into a Natalya forearm blow and German suplex. Sharpshooter try, but Paige grabs the apron to break. Paige trips Natalya and tries for the PTO, but Natalya reverses to try the Sharpshooter, but Paige fights out of that, too. Paige Turner connects for the pin at 2:54. 1/2* And now AJ Lee appears, smiling as always and skipping to the ring, where Paige retreats... into a discus clothesline from Natalya. Now AJ enters the ring as the crowd is so enthused by this they chant for CM Punk. She helps Paige up and has a mic, telling “[her] little English muffin” that she's sincere to Paige... then hugs her. Paige's “what in god's name is this crap” look says it all. Crowd ignores all this and chants for CM Punk. AJ then takes Paige's hand and kisses it. Crowd approves. Paige doesn't.

Still to come, John Cena faces Bray Wyatt! But up next, Seth Rollins eulogizes Dean Ambrose!

Okay, so AJ Lee is performing quasi-lesbian antics towards Paige and the crowd indicates they'd rather have CM Punk show up. It's their right to do so, admittedly; the question is, is it fair to AJ, the top face Diva, to be nothing more than a vessel for someone else to be chanted for in a way that cannot be paid off?

Corporate Kane is out now. He is the first speaker at this eulogy. It's not about mourning, he says; it's a celebration of the future of WWE. That would be Seth Rollins... and here he comes. Seth fakes tears as the crowd tries a You Sold Out chant.

Rollins reminds us he led the Shield, and that he hand-picked Dean Ambrose to be in the Shield. Ambrose had no pain threshold and no sense of fear. But last week, Rollins had to prove the Authority always wins, and Dean was the victim. So let's see what happened last week in a match the fans chose. Seth gets emotional watching the footage... no, just kidding, he's laughing. He asks fans to imagine the moment of impact on Ambrose. What was going through Dean's mind at the time? Did he know he was in over his head in every facet of the game? It's no secret that those cinderblocks were there on purpose. But it's also no secret that Ambrose's eternal migraine wasn't an accident. Ambrose's career can be summed up in two words: “What if”.

Why didn't Ambrose know his place? Why didn't he recognize Rollins' superiority? Why didn't he walk away? We'll never know, and that's a real tragedy, because it's clear we'll never see Dean Ambrose again. Rollins created the Shield, and he destroyed it.

Oh yeah? Roman Reigns may have something to say about that. He jumps over the railing and catches a charging Kane, sending him into the steps. No one is standing between Reigns and Rollins, and the fight destroys the eulogy set. Reigns tosses Rollins into the podium, then rams the podium into Rollins' face. Rollins avoids one clothesline, but not another, but Kane drags Rollins away before the Spear can hit. Rollins and Kane retreat from the ring.

Here's a look at the Hall of Fame forum from earlier.

John Cena will face Bray Wyatt tonight!

Goldust is excited about regaining their titles. Destiny calls out, and Stardust can hear it. The stars are aligned in a way that may never happen again. It's their night to become champions! It'll be a cataclysmic eruption of a galaxy. And you'll never forget the names. That's next!

Kind of unfair to Roman Reigns to put him in there. The crowd understandably wanted Dean Ambrose to appear since he's had a history of appearing out of nowhere, and this was set up for another such appearance. It doesn't say Reigns is failing; it just says he was a square peg in this segment.

WWE Tag Team Championships: The Usos (champions) v. Goldust and Stardust (challengers). Needless to say, HASHTAG! Usos' reign is at 25 weeks. Star and Jimmy start, and Star gets a quick cradle for two. Jimmy returns in kind. Jey in with a leaping forearm, and Jimmy returns to drop an axhandle on the arm. Star corners Jimmy and punches away, working the arm with elbows and getting one. Jimmy with a forearm, but Star slides under a backrop, bows, and tosses Jimmy. Gold and Star with twin sentons off the apron to the Usos, and back in, Star gets two. He tags Gold in as we go to break.

Kind of a quiet start to this match. Fans aren't into it right now – hopefully it picks up. I trust these teams.

#TagTitles, part two. Star has a chinlock on Jimmy, who elbows out and gets a Dragon Whip. Star lariats Jimmy, and Gold gets two. Gold with an armbar. JBL says this is the first time in a long time we've had two sets of brothers going for the tag titles. Both Gold and Jimmy go for crossbodies, leading to a double KO. Star and Jey both in, and Jey goes nuts with the hot tag segment. Running dropkick by Jey to Star, then the Rikishi hip check. Gold enters and gets hit with a Samoan Drop. Jey with a running plancha to Star... but his knee gives out on the landing. Star knocks him down and rolls in before the count at 7:33. *1/4 BUT WAIT! Gold doesn't want it like that and accuses Jey of getting counted out on purpose. So let's do it again! The Usos cite the injury... and the Brotherhood attacks! Star throws Jimmy out of the ring, and the duo work over Jey's knee with Star tossing it into the post.

Later tonight, Jerry Lawler will try to get the sisters to make up (and maybe kiss)! But up next, Brock Lesnar has things to say!

Heel Goldust was one of the most influential characters of the mid-1990s. If they let him do what he does best, this will make their rematch red hot. But what of Stardust? Can Cody keep up? It's clear this will lead to Cody being the star of the two – or it should – so you need to make him the emphasis. You have my intrigue.

Backstage, Seth Rollins is demanding SOMETHING be done about Roman Reigns sticking his nose in Authority business. What they did to Dean, they can do to Roman. Kane says, yes, that's it. We'll do the match again – but this time, it's a handicap match: Roman Reigns against Rollins/Kane. It ends tonight.

Time for a sit-down with Brock Lesnar, who says he has conquered and that his win was the biggest deal since he came back. He gave Cena a chance to stay down, but Cena's never-give-up (bleep) steps in... which did Cena no favors. The only reason Cena survived (per Heyman) is that Brock decided to end it early.

As for the rematch, Brock is humiliated by the very concept of a rematch. How dare you, John! Do you realize how unrepentant Brock is? Heyman may respect Cena and be a fan, but this is a mistake. Brock claims that John Sr. lied to Cena. Little Johnny, some day you will run into someone who will keep knocking you down, and one time he won't let you up. Brock says it's over, and he's not sorry. For the last 12 years, Cena has kept getting up, but now The Pain is here. At Night of Champions, it will “be Cena's last night in this Universe. Game over.”

Dolph Ziggler rematches with the Miz – non-title – and that is next!

The best part about this rematch is I have no idea what they do with it. Cena more or less either has to die or steal a win. There is the possibility of Cena getting himself DQ'd in an attempt to hurt Lesnar, but that's not what Cena does. It's what I'd do in his place, but that's why I'm a fan and not a TV character.

Your Main Event main event is Rob Van Dam against Seth Rollins.

Dolph Ziggler v. The Miz. JBL says the Intercontinental Title debuted 25 years ago today, but unless he means the white-strap version, I doubt it began when Warrior beat Rude to get his second title reign. Miz, though, is not in wrestling gear. He says he spent all day at Disneyland because he's a movie star. He also is allowed to have his own stunt double... and that stunt double will be doing the match tonight. Welcome Damien Mizdow.

Dolph Ziggler v. Damien Sandow as the Miz. This is non-title. Cole corrects JBL, saying the title's 35 years old, not 25. Cole tries to correct JBL, who shouts him down and welcomes Miz to ringside. Sandow removes the sunglasses and walks into a dropkick for two. Sandow works the ribs of Dolph, then gets headbutts. Suplex gets one. Miz claims he's waiting for the right time and not risking his mug for a non-title. Dolph with a jawbreaker, but he runs into a forearm. Kneedrop misses, and Dolph with clotheslines and a Stinger Splash. Sandow clips Dolph and goes for the figure-four. Dolph reverses, and Sandow makes the ropes. Zig Zag quickly ends it at 2:20. Miz: “He's fired.” He gives Dolph sarcastic applause. No one cares. 1/4*

Jerry Lawler will host a family reconciliation next!

And since I have nothing to say about this, I'll add: does the fact that Jeff Hardy is being given a Beyond the Ring on the WWE Network on Wednesday mean he wants to come back after his TNA contract expires? And would you, the Doomers, want him back? The most important question, though: if you were WWE, would you take him back?

But first, a look back at SummerSlam and Nikki's heel turn.

Jerry Lawler says the Nikki heel turn was “one of the most shocking moments at SummerSlam”. He says he thinks it was a bad decision and was willing to claim heat of the moment, but the next night Nikki made it clear she did it on purpose. Especially when she slapped Brie. Well, no one likes a family divided, so let's have some family mediation. Nikki won rights to the music in the split. HASHTAG! Nikki moves her chair as far away from Brie's as possible. Lawler wants to work things out and... okay, both sisters get the music.

But Brie allows Nikki to have it as they squabble. But that's not why we're here; we're here because Brie TRUSTED Nikki, dammit! Brie may love her friends and love Daniel, but they've literally been together since before birth. Brie knows Nikki has hurt feelings and knows why. Brie had no idea what would happen. But hey, if Nikki feels betrayed, Brie will apologize. Forget the company, the show, everything... this is real. THEY USED THEIR FULL NAMES SO IT MUST BE REAL! She's sorry!

Nikki calls the whole thing a load of crap. Of course, she's selfish and materialistic as opposed to Brie being innocent. But that's not the story – well, the fans may buy it, but not her. She knows the real Brie. Brie always wanted the spotlight and always wanted to be loved more. Brie tries to say it wasn't about her, but Nikki ain't buying it. Nikki tells Brie to stop being an angel and stop holding her back. Nikki is done with everything – Brie, the family, the guys in the audience's twin fantasy, but ESPECIALLY Brie's idyllic lifestyle. She's even over Bryan – and THAT gets Brie's attention. Bottom line, Nikki is sick of being second fiddle. Mrs. Daniel Bryan is everyone's favorite... but get this: Brie steals all Nikki's boyfriends, got Nikki in trouble for what Brie did, and abandoned Nikki. Nikki was in every handicap match, forced to demeaning stuff, while Brie sat at home and watched. Brie wanted to trend on Twitter! Nikki won't give Brie a break, and calls Brie a sad excuse. Brie is near tears. Nikki encourages Brie to cry. “Hey everyone, look at the real Brie Mode!”

Lawler tries to get Nikki to stop, so Nikki tells Lawler to get out. Lawler does so as Brie is having a meltdown. Nikki has no sister – she wishes Brie died in the womb. And then she dumps over Brie's chair and begins beating her up. Lawler returns to break it up, since Brie isn't defending herself. So Nikki slaps Lawler (Off-camera) and keeps assaulting Brie, who keeps not fighting back. Brie is dead to Nikki as referees try to drag Nikki away. The announcers point out Brie was too upset to fight back as Nikki walks off.

And because it wasn't awkward enough live, here's some replays! Cole is mystified. JBL wonders how Brie never saw it coming. The crowd is so overwhelmed by this story they chant for Lawler.

Let's switch back to the Hall of Fame Forum. Cena is ready to beat Brock down! And he'll show it against Bray Wyatt tonight! But up next: Roman Reigns faces Rollins and Kane 1-on-2!

That... just... felt... awkward. It wasn't even good heel heat. It was just... I wanted the segment to end. It's not fun. It's not good TV. How do you pay this off when it's clear one side won't attack the other? Sure, you work it up to the point that they will, but right now – that'll feel like too little too late. Especially when the crowd doesn't care about Brie after the loss to Stephanie. In all honesty, when Nikki said she wanted Brie to have never been born, that should've been the tipping point. Oh well.

Roman Reigns v. Corporate Kane and Seth Rollins. Cole recaps the eulogy from earlier. Kane will start. Reigns punches away and clotheslines him out, then throws Rollins into the ring. Rollins runs into a headbutt, then kicks away in the corner, but Kane recovers and takes over. Kane sends Reigns into the turnbuckle, then tags in Rollins. He stomps away, then gets two Stinger Splashes. Kane back in, but he whips Rollins into the HSB. Reigns takes over on Kane, pounding away in the corner and getting clotheslines and uppercuts. He drapes Kane over the bottom rope, then stops Rollins by sending him into the barricade and apron, followed by an apron suplex. Drive-By dropkick on Kane (who almost forgot it was coming and had to get back in position). Superpunch is interrupted by a goozle, but Reigns with the Spear. Rollins with the briefcase for the DQ at 2:37, and he keeps up the attack. Rollins dumps Reigns and stands tall. He encourages Kane to finish Reigns before sending Roman into the barricade on the outside. Rollins and Kane double-team Reigns on the outside before Kane sees the table from last week – which once again has cinderblocks underneath. They set Roman up as Rollins gets on the table for the Cinderstomp, but this time, Reigns fights out and intercepts Rollins. He disposes of Kane and Superpunches Rollins. Kane's back, but he's sent into the post. Reigns tosses Kane into the timekeeper's area, then picks up a cinderblock and stalks Rollins. Rollins sees it and goes pale, begging off. Thankfully, Reigns's toss of the block hits the post and not Rollins, who bails out and races away. So Reigns gives Kane the Superpunch for good measure. Match doesn't matter, since it was all here for the post-match attack. Oh, hey, look, Rollins forgot his brief... never mind, here's a replay. When we come back, Rollins has the briefcase. CALLING BOTCHAMANIA!

Cole starts to talk about what's next but gets interrupted by JBL being angry at Reigns. After he and Lawler argue, Cole is back to promoting the Network. (9.99!)

But now, Bray Wyatt has something to say with his Family. Bray knows Cena is a shell of a fake man, and now, thanks to Brock Lesnar, he's cracked. Cena's a wounded animal in the woods, and Bray won't let Cena suffer and spread his disease. Bray is a merciful man, and he will provide the killing blow to Cena that he needs. But don't worry – it's nicer on the other side. Run.

JBL has been in fine form the last two weeks. Someone needs to slap him. Now.

Your feature match on SmackDown is another round in the Show/Henry v. Rowan/Harper rivalry.

Los Matadores v. SlaterGator (in the ring). Heath and Titus argue over which superhero they are. Each one claiming the other is the civilian. Heath and Primo start. Primo runs over Heath repeatedly, then gets a springboard crossbody. Epico in, and they get a suplex and tope atomico combo for two. Slater fights back, getting a shoulderblock (OLE) before Epico gets a rana (OLE) and armdrag into an armbar (OLE). Primo in with a dropkick. Primo chops away, but Titus distracts him and Heat with a leg lariat for two. Titus tags in on Primo, getting two backbreakers. Heath refuses a tag until he imitates Titus's Gator taunt, so Titus forces him in. Heath stops a hot tag and pounds away. Primo elbows out of a chinlock and gets a sunset flip for two. Running clothesline by Slater, and Titus tags himself in. Stinger Splash by Titus, but Primo fights back only to be caught and rammed into the top corner. Huge chop to Primo, and Slater is tagged in. They try a double team, but Primo gets a crucifix for the pin at 4:00. THE STREAK IS OVER! * Heels argue about whose fault it is.

Hall of Fame Forum Hall of Fame Forum Hall of Fame Forum...

Tonight, John Cena against Bray Wyatt!

So are you turning Heath Slater face? Eh, I've seen worse ideas.

Kofi Kingston (in the ring) v. Bo Dallas. JBL calls Bo bigger than Disneyland. With a straight face. Kofi is not impressed. Bo offers a handshake, but Kofi slaps it away and gets a dropkick. Kofi kicks away, getting a crossbody for one. Stinger Splash by Kofi, but Dallas recovers with a knee to the gut. Punches to the gut follow, but Kofi with a springboard dropkick. Kofi with the ten-punch countalong and uppercut. Blind charge by Dallas misses, but he hangs Kofi on the top rope on a springboard try and gets the Bo-Dog for the pin at 1:40. Bo gets his victory lap in to remind us why he's awesome. Bo then says Kofi is nothing like Jack Swagger because he only let himself down, whereas Swagger let America down. But they can both Bo Lieve! Swagger's heard enough of this and gets the high belly-to-belly on Dallas before walking off with his music. Now that's how you do a run-in.

Up next, our main event! Cena vs. Wyatt!

Hm. I like both guys, so seeing them in a good long match to get them both over would be nice. I don't even know who you have win. Dallas is the bigger future, but he doesn't need wins and losses to get heat. Tough call there.

Next week: The Highight Reel with guest Randy Orton!

Main event: John Cena v. Bray Wyatt. Bray materializes in the ring with his Family at ringside. HASHTAG! Cena charges Wyatt and pounds away, but the ref gets in between and Bray takes over. Cena is back with a clothesline, and he waits for Bray to rise while yelling at Bray to stay down. Cena then catches Bray and gives him a German suplex as Bray seems shell-shocked. Cena again yells at Bray to stay down. Bray's up, and it's a backdrop suplex from Cena. Cole makes the big story here: Cena's sick of hearing people say he's done, and the Hall of Fame Forum was the last straw. Cena pulls Bray up and gives him a vertical suplex. He covers, getting one. Cena boxes away at Bray, stomping him down in the corner. Running knee to Bray as the ref orders a separation. Cena puls Bray up and delivers another German suplex. That's four suplexes. Cena is ready and charges, flooring Bray with a lariat and saluting at Harper and Rowan. He picks Bray up, but Bray fights out and gets an avalanche. Cena bulrushes Bray down, and the Family enters at 4:19. Big Show and Mark Henry race in to even the odds and THINGS ARE CRAZY! WE NEED A COMMERCIAL!

I'm prepping to say HOLLA and take a drink. It's only 10:53.

John Cena, Big Show, and Mark Henry v. Wyatt Family. Joined in progress. HOLLA! (takes drink) Show attacks Rowan with a slam and elbowdrop. Rowan eats turnbuckle and gets boxed down, then it's the CHOP OF DOOM. Crowd wants another, and Rowan gets it. Henry in, and it's a whip-into avalanche by Henry. He headbutts Rowan down, but a blind charge misses and Rowan knocks him down for two. Bray in, and he pounds away on Henry with axhandles and right hands. Harper in, and he walks over Henry before dropping an elbow and getting the chinlock. Crowd gets behind Henry (I think – is chanting “Sexual Chocolate” a positive?) as Henry powers his way up only to get a knee in the face. Rowan in with a slam on Henry, and Harper returns with a running elbow. A second one lands, but a third runs into a big kick. Hot tag Show, who runs over Harper repeatedly only to run into a dropkick. Rowan in now, and a big boot floors Show. Bray tags in, getting kicks to the head and a running half senton for two. Rowan in with a kneedrop as the crowd knows what's next and wants Cena. Rowan pounds away on Show until Harper refocuses him and they get the T&A superkick for two. Bray returns, getting a running kick and right hand. He piefaces Big Show, which is stupid because Show gets the chokeslam. Hot tag #2 to Cena, and everyone goes flying. German suplex to Harper (five) and Rowan (six), then a headlock takedown and he pounds Harper down. STF to Harper... and that's the tapout at 6:43 shown! Rowan gets an AA for good measure. *3/4 total. Show and Henry catch Bray running away and bring him back for an AA. Show wants Cena to be the man, so Cena picks Harper up... and he gets an AA as well. So, yeah, I think he's ready for a rematch.

MORK CALLING ORSON – COME IN ORSON:

If the beating Brock gave Cena was that bad that they needed to rebuild him, fine. The six-man tag was what they had to do from the start, though. If you ignore Cena/Bray – and good luck doing that – the story was good: the two giants were beaten down until they could get the buzzsaw in. But throw it in, and the Wyatts don't exactly look too strong, do they?

Elsewhere, Rusev did his part as Swagger moves on to Bo Dallas. He looks like a monster thanks to Swagger, getting people to hate him in a way Big E and R-Truth couldn't get Rusev hated. The AJ/Paige thing may or may not include Natalya, as they seem to be hedging on that one. Nikki's verbal and physical assault on Brie was just awkward, in that the line beyond which Brie should've fought back was crossed hard. (Also, Nikki isn't even half the actor Owen was.)

STATS:

MATCH TIME: 48:14 over ten matches
BEST MATCH: Rusev/Swagger
WORST MATCH: Dolph/Sandow
NIGHT MVP: John Cena

FINAL SCORE: Meh, 4/10. This was a necessary show, nothing more.

Matt Perri will be back with Main Event. Tommy Hall takes the bullet by reviewing Impact and Smackdown, but we give him NXT to make it better. Scott Keith runs the mailbag. Logan Scisco will review SummerSlam 1998. Brian Bayless has the e-fed duties. Darren X handles daily discussion. I will be back next week.

Nanu, nanu.

Comments

  1. Here's what I hate about modern wrestling: if cena wins at noc, he will tie with flair for most world titles and would have done it about 8 less years

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm actually not reviewing SummerSlam 1998 yet. There's one more RAW (8/24) that I'm reviewing before getting to that one.

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  3. If Cena wins, there is literally NOWHERE to go in storyline. Unless he feuds with Rollins or Kane and no one wants that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Titles aren't important anymore!"
    -WWE.

    ReplyDelete
  5. There are some reports that a trainer had to help Bray to the locker room. Wonder if he got a concussion.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Glad they are building up Rusev then.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ah, forgot about Rusev. I keep doing that for whatever reason.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So Cena really is killing the Wyatts.

    ReplyDelete
  9. If true, Bray better not complain or he'll end up unemployed like Michael Tarver.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Because we don't want him to get squashed by Cena.

    ReplyDelete
  11. And again, Tarver could have been someone.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Brock destroys cena after match, Rollins cashes in

    ReplyDelete
  13. But what does that give us? I don't think the company has the balls to run Rollins-Ambrose as the top feud.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Title match in a cell against cena or Ambrose

    ReplyDelete
  15. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 25, 2014 at 9:37 PM

    I totally forgot that Sheamus had the US Title. I wouldn't have gotten that with 10 guesses.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You are trying to think logically; stop doing that with wwe

    ReplyDelete
  17. Flair had some filler title reigns too. I got no problem with Cena being close to Flair's record for World Titles. Winning the world title should signify that you are one of the top guys. Cena is undoubtedly that.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You know that when the rating for this show ends up horrid they are just going to blame the Emmy's and not themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  19. It's possible they punted this show, from the looks of it. Maybe they knew the Emmys would have all the eyeballs and decided to go light.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Cena needs a career ending injury in the worst way. He has completely hijacked the show for 10 fucking years.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Maybe, but that is the wrong way to go. You do that too much and you condition your audience that if they don't watch RAW on a given evening that it's no big deal.

    ReplyDelete
  22. A true heel turn would suffice

    ReplyDelete
  23. By the way, whatever happened to those plans to pit Roman Reigns against Triple H at NOC?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Pushing it back and back until they wanna kickstart the megapush. Makes sense, really. Why do that match this month when Reigns can't pay off that momentum for another 7 or 8?

    ReplyDelete
  25. No, Tarver was mediocre in the ring, awful on the mic and seemingly a dangerous and awful person to deal with.

    ReplyDelete
  26. True, but I just find it funny that match was rumored for SummerSlam, then pushed to NOC, and now pushed off again.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Does wwe think this makes people want to see Cena win more? Because this totally makes me want to see Brock destroy him worse.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Maybe he'll be Vince's avatar at some point. :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Yes, they really do think that.

    ReplyDelete
  30. So... That Wyatt Family thing was kinda cool for like, 6 months, huh? Good times. Good times.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Sadly many people are already at that point.

    ReplyDelete
  32. No, it makes it look like he's got a new focus, and he at least has a chance in hell to win. Totally different from "wanting him to win more".

    ReplyDelete
  33. It's 50/50 whether they're doing this right. You could argue that you should make Cena as big an underdog as humanly possible and play up the Champion/Thing story from the comic books instead during the match. Either that, or you just book the six-man to begin with. Here, you can argue Cena looks like he's going to the Dark Side, which helps no one.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Two problems, though. He already beat Brock once in 2012 (granted we're here 2 years later and SummerSlam was a squash) and he's won so damn much over the last 10 years. I just can't buy Cena as an underdog AT ALL, especially in terms of physique and title lineage.

    ReplyDelete
  35. If this leads to a Cena heel turn, I can live with it in hindsight, but he won't so we'll just be left with Cenawinslol, Bray dead in the water and more of the status quo.

    ReplyDelete
  36. My history of the time isn't good, but didn't Cena turn the lights out on Nexus too?

    ReplyDelete
  37. I get their rationale, but this kind of a story is just better for someone other than Cena. It'd be ideal for someone like Bryan or really anyone else who doesn't have the career record of Cena. I like the attention to detail in the story, but don't like it being used for Cena.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I knew that Cena feud would kill them. Sure enough, I was right.

    ReplyDelete
  39. If only there was someone that Reigns could feud with for a while. Someone that did him wrong. And if only they could fight over the IC title for a while. And in doing so, get both players super over and caring about said title.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Like Punk said. Cenas not the underdog, he's the Yankees.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Pretty much. Destroyed Wade Barrett and TLC and literally buried him under a heap of chairs.

    ReplyDelete
  42. The one thing I find strange is that the Nexus had 2 big guys, and Ryback was seen as the Enforcer. Then he got injured... But they still had a very scary and tough looking Tarver... and they never bothered to say he's the new enforcer. Wouldn't that have been perfect for him?

    ReplyDelete
  43. I was half expecting the show to go off the air with Cena and Jericho literally shitting in Bray Wyatt's mouth.

    I wonder if this is gonna be Jericho's last hurrah. He's never getting another title reign, doesn't seem to want one and in his last two runs, he "made" Fandango, who was a jobber by the summer and requested to work with Wyatt, who is being done no favors by his Jericho feud and was basically just given a JOBBER stamp on his forehead tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Yeah. Cena going back for an A.A. to a midcarder who's already unconscious...seems...weird.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I thought there was this one ppv in which Cena was left with three Nexus guys...all three dispatched after a miraculous comeback.

    Hahahahahaha literally buried him under a heap of chairs?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Good thing he went over Jericho. That way they can kill two birds with one stone.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Yes, the TLC set had a bunch of chairs strung up near the entrance and after the match, Cena put Barrett under this platform thingy and pulled this cord that literally buried him under chairs. Quite symbolic for the whole feud, really.


    And yes, Cena did rally to beat Nexus at SummerSlam, which killed them off immediately as a threat. That was 2-on-1, though, and not 3-on-1. Took a DDT on concrete from Gabriel and then rallied literally a minute later to beat he and Barrett.

    ReplyDelete
  48. To be fair, he built Barrett up pretty far before winning the blowoff. I'd say the Cena/Barrett feud was one of the best booked Cena feuds in years.

    ReplyDelete
  49. You know what I miss? Wyatts and Shield beating the shiy out of each other.

    Good times.

    ReplyDelete
  50. So Cena is NOT the underdog against Brock? My god, your posts are getting more ridiculous every minute. Your Cena hate is clouding your brain.

    ReplyDelete
  51. It NEARLY killed them. Tonight may have finished the job.

    That and Harper/Rowan getting 3,251 title shots against the Usos and blowing all of them.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hey now Bray won the one match with the help of the other two Wyatts and the Shockmaster's nephew on a PPV a lot didn't care about.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Would've been a LOT better if Cena lost to Nexus at SummerSlam, though. That way, the Nexus would've gone up on him 2-0 before he became an unwilling member. And the booking of Cena getting fired and then just showing up to shows was moronic. The feud had its moments, but was full of bad decisions.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Cenas not the underdog against anybody.

    ReplyDelete
  55. No, he's really not. At least not to anyone who remembers the history between these guys. You see, this is why Cena winning at Extreme Rules in 2012 was stupid. If he'd gotten mauled the last two times, this all would've made more sense.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I couldn't quite remember, but yeah that jogs the memory. But I thought the comeback was even a little much for SuperCena.

    ReplyDelete
  57. You think Cena is the favorite against the motherfucker who just squashed him? Who just steamrolled Big Show in 2 minutes flat? WHO BEAT THE STREAK? Are you even WATCHING Raw? John Cena could go to Night of Champions with a bazooka and I'd still favor Lesnar.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I'm STILL puzzled at that. I thought for sure the Wyatts would win those belts.


    I guess they are all just being "tested" with that ridiculous losing streak gimmick right now.

    ReplyDelete
  59. he just has an unhealthy hatred of Cena that trumps all. I would just ignore him if I were you. I will from now on.

    ReplyDelete
  60. But there's a difference I'm shocked hasn't come up. Cena needed a weapon to beat Lesnar. He can't use weapons at NoC. And he couldn't use them at SummerSlam, either, and we saw what happened there. Unless Cena goes to the Dark Side and uses weapons with reckless abandon, he can't lay a finger on Lesnar. The announcers REALLY need to play up this part of the story.

    ReplyDelete
  61. RIP Wyatts

    July 8, 2013-August 25, 2014.

    ReplyDelete
  62. This is me sobbing into my cheerios over it.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Yeah, the fact that some of them were gimmick matches pretty much guaranteed a title change and... Nothing.

    But yes, we have to make sure Bray and his crew "want" it. After all this dizzying success in such a short period of time, we wouldn't want the lack of titles, one win over an established main event player before he was one and the huge "rub" of jobbing to John Cena to go to their heads.

    ReplyDelete
  64. That's a good point, but it's all ruined because, as you say, the announcers don't even bother bringing up the difference.


    If this was all developing very EARLY in Cena's run as a guy on top it would have more of an attraction. However, the crowd has seen him overcome challenge after challenge after challenge. No way one wouldn't expect him to possibly beat Brock at NOC if you looked at it like a real sport.

    ReplyDelete
  65. The booking of Lesnar didn't make sense period. Could you imagine him still being undefeated? If nothing else at least he hasn't lost since WM 29.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Who needs Ambien when you have tonight's show?

    ReplyDelete
  67. They have done a good job rebuilding him, I'll give them that. If he was still undefeated, though, it would've had a lot more power to it.

    ReplyDelete
  68. What amazes me is we all get on Cena's case for beating him at Extreme Rules 2012, but HHH gets a free pass for beating him -- and making him look like Just Another Wrestler -- at WM29. At least Cena's win had "fluke" written all over it.

    ReplyDelete
  69. So do they still do post-shows for RAWs or were those a victim of budget cuts?

    ReplyDelete
  70. Shield six-mans, full stop. Those were the days. 20-minute **** matches every time out.

    ReplyDelete
  71. There was one tonight. But the Network pre- and post-shows are hosted from WWE Studios.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Don't wow me. Cenas had a long enough run and enough money to be completely fine and will be a part of the machine for the rest of his life.

    If he can't wrestle a fucking match, who gives a shit?

    ReplyDelete
  73. You think someone would point that out, even saying he hasn't lost at all this year. They're too busy with twitter trends I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Only in the wrestling universe do we wish for someone to be badly injured and everyone's okay with this.

    ReplyDelete
  75. I'll never understand how losing a feud to the TOP FACE IN THE COMPANY is considered a burial and the end of a wrestler. Seriously, zero shame in losing to the top guy.

    ReplyDelete
  76. This isn't some rookie jobber trying to make his career, this is a guy who never has to worry about anything for the rest of his life.

    ReplyDelete
  77. Or you can look at the glass half full and say that the Usos are being built strong with a long title reign.

    ReplyDelete
  78. No, that wasn't it. If it were, the death date would read "June 1, 2014". Tonight, though? They looked pretty ordinary.

    ReplyDelete
  79. True, but based on crowd reactions, that doesn't seem to be getting the Usos over a great deal.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Next week Reo Rodgers and Shawn Michaels visit the Bella family home where a big poster of Brie is and a little card of Nikki is. Which would be better than the crap I read tonight.

    Hey WWE I come cheap and I do a great Reo Rodgers impersonation.

    ReplyDelete
  81. If they think that the fucking Emmys are stealing their target demo, then they're even dumber than the recent booking would indicate.

    ReplyDelete
  82. In honesty, I'm pretty sure a fair fraction would be perfectly fine with (insert sports rival) here getting a rather nasty injury.


    My choice: Tom Brady.

    ReplyDelete
  83. from scott's rant at the time "Are you fucking KIDDING ME? They put Cena over? That was the most ridiculously short-sighted booking decision I’ve seen in years. The match itself was unbelievable, a brutally realistic FIGHT unlike anything seen in WWE main events, maybe ever. I was almost literally jumping up and down in my living room by the end, even at 1:00 AM and a long day. ****3/4 for the match, negative one million stars for the worst decision they could have possibly made."

    ReplyDelete
  84. Hey, these are TV writers they have working with them. They *are* out to lunch.

    ReplyDelete
  85. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 25, 2014 at 10:21 PM

    TJ: One of my favorite YouTube LPers did an EA Sports UFC playthrough, and completely cheesed 100 in every attribute Jon Jones in a heated Light Heavyweight title fight. I marked like NUTS for this, and it exhibited some excellent psychology for an MMA bout, where the underdog and less talented fighter uses his one advantage as if its his absolute last hope, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.

    I recommend this and all of his work therein.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Byq39ZDu7OE
    http://chrissmoove.com/2014/08/25/ea-sports-ufc-career-mode-jon-jones-cheese-part-2/

    ReplyDelete
  86. You know, serious question: plug Daniel Bryan into this story instead of John Cena -- are we even half as cynical about it? Suppose it's Bryan buzzsawing the entire Wyatt Family -- are we still up in arms over an upper midcard stable looking like jobbers? Imagine Bryan loses the belt at SummerSlam -- do we all start Thank You Lesnar chants and demand more blood?

    I mean, we're getting an interesting story here, but we want the bad guy to win because of the actors. I know, I know... wrestling is what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  87. If it's Bryan this story would actually work, at least for me. I just can't buy Cena as an underdog after he's been booked as a superhuman force for the last 10 years. It's insulting to my intelligence for them to argue as much and I'm sure many fans feel the same way.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Without Zeb he's going to be aimless again.

    ReplyDelete
  89. Just when he's started catching fire, too. Did Dutch leave the company or is he just taking time off?

    ReplyDelete
  90. You could also argue that, seeing as we just saw Brock Lesnar annihilate JOHN CENA, it carries maximum impact. "Well, crap, if that's what he did to SuperCena, who's got a chance?" Either way, time to consider the story rather than the politics, as hard as that is for people in the IWC.

    ReplyDelete
  91. I have to think he's taking time off or being written out or whatever. I've heard no reports to say he's left the company.

    ReplyDelete
  92. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 25, 2014 at 10:41 PM

    Cena is 37 and has been injured in back-to-back-to-back years. He gains NOTHING from getting the rub here.

    Bryan is five years younger and up until that point had o injury history and was in need of some credibility.

    Don't let the smarks fool you: This is the real issue here.

    ReplyDelete
  93. As I've said, I appreciate the story they are telling, but I don't want Cena to be the guy who overcomes the odds for the 1,000th time. I don't like Cena, who I just see as a corporate stooge (with those dumbass hand towels to boot), so I have zero investment in him to beat Brock.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Cool, dude. Glad to see your inflatable girlfriend finally arrived. I was worried about you there for a second.

    ReplyDelete
  95. I guess we'll know how the re-sub period went next week based on how desperate they sound when plugging the Network.

    ReplyDelete
  96. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 25, 2014 at 10:44 PM

    Herpes simplex Type X: Fun for the whole family.

    ReplyDelete
  97. Man, we need to join a stable or start a Youtube show or something...

    ReplyDelete
  98. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 25, 2014 at 10:45 PM

    Curtzerker's hype, don't worry about it. Its just difficult getting everyone on the huss is all.

    ReplyDelete
  99. I bet that Bret vs Owen match would have been 20x better if it was a street fight.

    ReplyDelete
  100. If Cena wins, I'll agree.

    But I would be very interested if this is -- as is rumored -- headed to make someone else the star by having him do what Cena couldn't. That's a story we don't get enough of.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Rocky III baby. Rocky III. Get ready for it.

    ReplyDelete
  102. I have to agree wth you there.

    ReplyDelete
  103. I'm still waiting for Cena's Apollo to show up.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Just give this guy a freak world title shot!

    ReplyDelete
  105. Xavier Woods as Consequences Creed, or we riot.

    ReplyDelete
  106. Stranger in the AlpsAugust 25, 2014 at 11:08 PM

    The scene: A mysterious log cabin in a snowy valley in the Alps. Smoke coming out of the chimney. We zoom in on the sole window of the cabin, facing west. In the window, we see a roaring fire in the fireplace. Above the fireplace is a mantle, where the BoD Writer's Championship sits warmly. It's made of paper, you know. Our gaze moves to a fuzzy recliner, which is in maximum recline position, and the bedecked feet of YOUR BoD Writer's Champion. He's wearing his Boston Red Sox slippers which he purchased online at shop.mlb.com, which can only be afforded on a champion's salary. We pan up to the champ's satisfied face. Sssshhhhhh, *he's about to speak*.


    "Good evening, BoD Universe. I'm so glad you came to see me. I've been so busy mentally preparing for the winner of this tournament. You know what I did today? I walked uphill, both ways mind you, in the chest high snow. I needed a vat of lard from the general store because I enjoy deep-frying fish sticks. I unplugged my landline from the wall so I wouldn't be disturbed. I'm also a firm believer in discipline, so I spent the day down in the villa spanking the local children. Those kids will grow up to thank me later.


    I have also sent my signed contract to face the winner in the mail. GM Bayless instructed me to send it via email, but I enjoy my licking stamps and dropping that stuffed envelope into the mailbox. Excuse me a moment." The champ drops the needle on his newly-found KISS record, a near-mint version of Destroyer. "Ahhh....nothing like the sound of crackling over the speakers to train one's mind. I have informed GM Bayless that I intend to be at the BoD Arena next week, to personally congratulate the winner of the tournament. I am a sportsman, at the very least. Mr. Andy PG, I respect you and would gladly team with you at any opportunity. Mr. Hall, I give you an F in your attempts to buy your way through life.


    Now if you will excuse me, there are only two channels here in the Alps, and Matlock is on. He's such a wholesome young man.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Stranger in the AlpsAugust 25, 2014 at 11:14 PM

    Here's the number to a spa I frequent in the Alps. You, good sir, are in dire need of a deep massage and a cucumber melon face mask.


    Ask for Monique. She'll take care of you.

    ReplyDelete
  108. You've been saying this but I haven't grasped whether you're doing so sarcastically as you think it's a poor booking decision or genuinely, as you think it makes for a good story. I'd agree the story, in essence, is fine, it's just that Cena isn't the guy who should be cast in such a role, as he's the last guy who needs the rub in a time where they desperately need new stars.

    Personally, I don't care about the business side of things, as I have get no money from WWE well, I just want the show to be good. Cena overcoming the odds doesn't make a good show for me. Hence only watching on-and-off since 2004.

    ReplyDelete
  109. As a long-time viewer, you can't look at the story in a vacuum. People are just sick of John Cena. He doesn't change and he's been around forever, thus his storylines are boring and people just hope and chant for anything different. He's like a TV show that's gone on ten seasons too long (The Simpsons, I guess) and people just want it to stop. This same story with Bryan would at least be fresh. This - people just see the signs that Cena may AGAIN overcome the odds and they're prematurely rolling their eyes because it's incredibly tedious.

    ReplyDelete
  110. No, and it's not just because smarks love Bryan. I'd strongly bet that Cena's last 3+ months was booked for Bryan since the beginning of the year and little was changed.

    ReplyDelete
  111. "Crowd ignores all this and chants for CM Punk."

    Their chants are not at all indicative of their enjoyment of the angle. One of them is married to one of the biggest stars of this generation who is conspicuous by his absence, so of course they're going to chant for him. And if the crowd persists in doing so... well, so what? I think people like the storyline.

    ReplyDelete
  112. "Kind of unfair to Roman Reigns to put him in there. The crowd understandably wanted Dean Ambrose to appear since he's had a history of appearing out of nowhere, and this was set up for another such appearance. It doesn't say Reigns is failing; it just says he was a square peg in this segment."

    Reigns getting involved in Rollins' affairs is a nice piece of continuity.

    Pretty good recap, Andy. You're improving.

    ReplyDelete
  113. IMO, it had nothing to do with Bray losing to Cena, it was the point of that feud. Bray didn't even want to win, he was playing mind games. Granted, Bray did lose too much outside of that. Where the ball's been dropped is that Bray should be a creepy bastard, not spew the same jibberish week after week and sing a nursery rhyme.

    ReplyDelete
  114. TJ: Here's how you protect the Wyatts when they job (even though I think they're fine) in a weird, fantasy-like way:

    Remember how, despite beating Bray at WrestleMania, Cena was all mentally fucked up at the end of the match, and Bray even begged for Cena to destroy him? Whether Cena loses or not for the next few months, I'd get over the idea that he hasn't performed as well since facing Bray. Likewise, I'd have Harper and Rowan lose over and over and over to the Usos, but by casting the same "curse" as Bray and mentally defiling their opponents during the match, the Usos go on to under-perform and maybe lose their belts to two schmucks because they can't focus or concentrate any more, which leads to Harper and Rowan handily defeating the two bums for the titles, which was their weird white trash culty plan to begin with.

    Now that Cena's lost to Brock like a bitch, you can cool off the Brock/Cena thing, and/or Brock in general, and have an arc where Bray's all "see what I did to you at SummerSlam? The most dominant star of the last ten years fails after the head games I played with him....." and then you get their rematch at that point before Cena goes back to Brock.

    I'm sleepy.

    ReplyDelete
  115. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 25, 2014 at 11:58 PM

    Did Kirby inhale his left thumb?

    ReplyDelete
  116. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 25, 2014 at 11:58 PM

    Are you gonna hide them in your tights?

    ReplyDelete
  117. I'd prefer Rocky IV to Rocky III.

    ReplyDelete
  118. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 26, 2014 at 12:00 AM

    Well, they're doing that too; it's only a matter of time before Rusev murders Swagger.

    ReplyDelete
  119. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 26, 2014 at 12:01 AM

    Hopefully Brock will cut a "I don't hate Cena, BUT I PITY THE FOOL" promo.

    ReplyDelete
  120. I think the bigger issue is the history of the chant. It's been used in the past as shorthand for "fuck this segment, we don't like it and we want anything else on earth". WWE will get the wrong opinion about AJ if it keeps up.

    ReplyDelete
  121. I would have liked to have seen Cena at less than his best post-annihilation.

    Lesnar beat the Undertaker and the Undertaker has disappeared ever since--not even an update on his condition...and Lesnar didn't annihilate Undertaker the way that he did Cena.

    And yet, here Cena is...seemingly unconcerned with what happened two weeks ago. It was just another match to Cena and he never quits. He comes back early from every injury. He shows no lingering effects of ANYTHING.

    Maybe this is where the PG-era hurts the storytelling. You shouldn't need blood to show that Lesnar destroyed Cena and he'd be lucky to be able to come back to even face Lesnar, much less beat him, so soon as NOC...but without any visible signs that Cena lost "so badly"...no taped up ribs, no concussion protocols, no scars...did it really happen?

    That's the problem with Cena (the character, as crafted by Creative)...he just ignores everything. It makes it hard to care about the stories that he's supposed to be telling.

    ReplyDelete
  122. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 26, 2014 at 12:02 AM

    I've always liked his talent, they just never gave him anything to do, or turned him into Serious Jericho 2.0 (which is definitely not him). They should've always stuck with the Angle clone stuff; patriotic hero as a face, All-American asshole as a heel.

    ReplyDelete
  123. If that were the case, Cena would have been turned nine years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  124. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 26, 2014 at 12:04 AM

    The end of the line was when they missed a golden opportunity to do a 3v3 Chamber match back in February. Have each faction select a guy to start, and at the 5-min mark and 10-min mark, two guys (one from each side) join in to avoid the endless handicapping. That would've made a tremendous blow-off.

    ReplyDelete
  125. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 26, 2014 at 12:06 AM

    Short term bucks, long term problems.


    I think that would be on a plaque in Vince's office.

    ReplyDelete
  126. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 26, 2014 at 12:06 AM

    Well hopefully this will keep Reigns out of a left-field stall angle like what happened to Bryan in between SS and his re-entry back into the title picture.

    ReplyDelete
  127. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 26, 2014 at 12:07 AM

    Really? I think the "wow"s are indicative that we don't agree with this. I know I don't, so I'll add a disbelieving "wow".

    ReplyDelete
  128. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryAugust 26, 2014 at 12:08 AM

    Don't let the gangster mouth rag he wore fool you; he's a sweetheart on the inside.

    ReplyDelete
  129. Or even selling an injury angle for more than a hot minute.

    Something has to threaten Superman, otherwise there's no drama.

    ReplyDelete
  130. TJ:

    Brodus Clay YouShoot came out and it sucks.

    Sean is better off getting guys like Paul London, Scotty Riggs, and others who don't give a fuck or will answer the questions truthfully.

    It's clear clay didn't want to say anything and it is not like the WWE is going to rush to bring him back.

    ReplyDelete
  131. Do I have to launch Z: True Southern States Story to get some attention around here?

    ReplyDelete
  132. No, I'm not sugesting it. I am outright saying that it did.

    ReplyDelete
  133. I'm glad that they let you post here while in mid-act!!

    ReplyDelete
  134. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 26, 2014 at 1:11 AM

    Well being part of Jobber' entourage is a great career mov-I think somethings wrong with my sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  135. Hogan, Flair and HBK in the ring at the same time..Let's have them sit down and discuss John Cena with Michael Cole. I don't know what else you could do with these 3 but "anything else" would be a good place to start.

    ReplyDelete
  136. So ambrose isn't ready for the main event (allegedly) for watever reasons. But roman reigns is (allegedly) even though he isn't as good of a worker or can't draw the same heat. This is why I hate wwe and hope they DIE one day.

    ReplyDelete
  137. And I now assume that since the bellas are fueding then that's stephanies way of getting out of the storyline without having to lose. God bless that awesome woman of power.......... what a bitch

    ReplyDelete
  138. I thought Nikki did a very good job (and if we're grading her by her usual standards she fucking killed it) and you could tell with the way the crowd was responding. Brie was awful, but this was Nikki's time to shine and she hit a home run (again, by her standards).

    ReplyDelete
  139. I cant wait till Mr Garea teaches me how to apply a rest hold properly....

    ReplyDelete
  140. I try not to tend toward the negative or go crazy with the hyperbole, but wow, that RAW main event really just happened. That was the Billy Madison speech. We're all dumber for having seen it.

    If Angry Cena takes out his giant job squad buddies next week, I will take back my complaint.

    ReplyDelete
  141. Of course I get why they're trying to "pretty up" Natalya, but I wish they wouldn't go there. She looks like she's had a nose job, she's wearing more obvious makeup, and she's showing more skin than ever before. I get it, and maybe it was actually her idea, but I thought she was playing an important role as the "pure wrestler" of the Divas division who didn't have to do all of that.

    ReplyDelete
  142. Star Wars III baby. Star Wars III. Get ready for it.

    ReplyDelete
  143. He'll still get some reaction. He'll still get some wins over R-Truth and shit.

    But when you lose, you lose. Lose enough, convincingly, and you're no longer believable as a guy who can win when it counts.

    ReplyDelete
  144. I thought Swagger would've been good playing HHH's hand-picked Corporate Champion. He's got the name, the size, the amateur background, no tats (I believe), the clean-cut look (when he cleans up). He better fits the profile of a guy corporate suits would like, even more than Orton or Rollins or Kane. And Swagger's history as a character makes him just "weak" enough that he'd actually cling to HHH because he needs his help. I never got why we were supposed to believe Orton, who's beaten HHH multiple times on his own, would feel like he needs HHH to get ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  145. I don't think 11 is the worst Mania. Far from it, in fact. In a world where WM XV exists, there's no way a WM with at least two ***+ matches on it and a sole DUD is the worst ever. I mean yeah, it's not great or anything, but it's watchable; In fact, if 11 (a big if...) had one ****+ match on top of its existing card it'd easily be one of the better Manias 85-00.

    WM didn't get *really* good until long after this. Not sure it's controversial to say, but pretty much every early Mania was total AIDS (with 3 being a notable exception). Even WM X, which I'm fond of, is pretty thin.

    ReplyDelete
  146. This was an exceptionally shit Raw

    ReplyDelete
  147. MikeyMike, WitnessAugust 26, 2014 at 4:23 AM

    I think you're being generous with the score. I would have gone 2/10. There wasn't anything good about the show. It was all meh or terrible.

    ReplyDelete
  148. MikeyMike, WitnessAugust 26, 2014 at 4:24 AM

    Except NOBODY wants to see this version.

    ReplyDelete
  149. Live on Mondays.

    ReplyDelete
  150. Had the done this at Wrestlemania instead of Bret-Backlund, it would have stolen the show.


    Might have answered your own question on this one.

    ReplyDelete
  151. I like how we have enough writers now to fill out a tournament bracket.

    ReplyDelete
  152. Biff Kensington IIIAugust 26, 2014 at 5:30 AM

    Challenge. Accepted.

    ReplyDelete
  153. You're a real mans man Strange.

    ReplyDelete
  154. I hear it and automatically think of Hoss.

    ReplyDelete
  155. He could be part of the Unstable... wait, no. Zana's nowhere near THAT level of lost.

    ReplyDelete
  156. Extant1979 - Ghetto SuperstarAugust 26, 2014 at 6:10 AM

    Bayless has longer-term plans than anyone at WWE.

    ReplyDelete
  157. Extant1979 - Ghetto SuperstarAugust 26, 2014 at 6:12 AM

    Shane Douglas in 1995 WAS Dean Douglas, no?

    ReplyDelete
  158. Comments in BoD RAW have dropped off drastically... and Parallax isn't getting pushed... just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  159. AverageJoeEverymanAugust 26, 2014 at 6:17 AM

    Just sittin in the back, collecting paychecks. JTG ALL DAY EVERY DAY!

    ReplyDelete
  160. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonAugust 26, 2014 at 6:52 AM

    People are salty that they're not getting booked...but they can't help but watch.

    ReplyDelete
  161. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonAugust 26, 2014 at 6:54 AM

    BTW - When did the C-List belt here?

    ReplyDelete
  162. Biff Kensington IIIAugust 26, 2014 at 6:54 AM

    You should team up with a rich benefactor, like Biff Kensington III. I'm looking for a heater for my new crew, Dirty Bastards, Inc. You can even wear the t-shirts!

    http://i.imgur.com/1Z253Zd.png

    ReplyDelete
  163. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonAugust 26, 2014 at 6:55 AM

    I would buy that.

    ReplyDelete
  164. Biff Kensington IIIAugust 26, 2014 at 7:00 AM

    Dirty Bastards, Inc.



    Waxed and Ready for Tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  165. Hmmm, did Owen ever receive another title shot after that on tv? If he didn't it'd be the rare case where a stipulation stuck.

    ReplyDelete
  166. Two ***** matches is thin? Plus a good Bret vs. Yoko and Savage vs. Crush match.

    ReplyDelete
  167. I think he was saying that while WMX did have some good stuff, it was far and inbetween, which I kind of agree with. WMX is a hard show to watch overall.

    ReplyDelete
  168. "It had John Nord's twin brothers wrestling Lex Luger and the Bullfrog." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN6UAzYY8qg

    ReplyDelete
  169. No sign of Rock Star Gary at BoD RAW? Where's that booking sheet?

    ReplyDelete
  170. Please, they just want to see their BoD Franchise player on top.

    ReplyDelete
  171. Biff Kensington IIIAugust 26, 2014 at 8:00 AM

    I was going to make you your own shirt, too.

    http://i.imgur.com/2hHCYTv.png

    ReplyDelete
  172. "I wan leh it be known that [wince] tho th' match did nuh end in [WIIIINCE] muh favoh, I was -- OWWWWW OW OW OWOWOW... [deep breath] ... OK... as I's sayin, I was nuh pinned or submitted, and [WINCE] I was fully prepared to continue to fight my way to victor-AAAAH GOD I THINK THA SPLINT CAME LOOSE! DAMNIT! KC, GET THA NURSE!"

    ReplyDelete
  173. Stranger in the AlpsAugust 26, 2014 at 8:24 AM

    Well......you know, there was that one time he said that John Cena was turning heel. So.....you know.

    ReplyDelete
  174. 50x better if it was no DQ!

    ReplyDelete
  175. The only bad match worth mentioning is the black hole of suck that is Lex/Yoko's restholdmania. Leilani/Alundra was a whole 3-minutes, the tag match was OK, and Quake/Bomb was 30-seconds. I thought Bam Bam and "Doink" did a great job carrying the work of their match between the comedy spots with Dink, and MOM/Quebecers was perfectly fine, minus the finish.

    ReplyDelete
  176. BoD POST SHOW EXCLUSIVE: ONLY AVAILABLE ON THE BoD APP

    *Tprincess and a camera crew approach GM Bayless, seated at the bar in the hotel lobby of the local Four Seasons hotel.*

    Tprincess: GM Bayless can we get a word with you for our exclusive viewers on the BoD network?

    BB: What do you want?

    Tprincess: What kind of explanation do you have for cutting the food and travel budget for BoD lowermidcarders in order to pay for a TV to give to the star here with the most lucrative contract? What are two up to? You better explain yourself to the fans!

    *from the left jobber123 storms into the bar, reaches across the bar tender and snatches a bottle of bourbon and drinks right from the bottle. Then he smashes the bottle on the floor*

    *jobber looks to the bartender* You clean that up

    Jobber123: GODDAMNIT BAYLESS HE SMASHED MY TV!!!!! MY TV!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THIS?????

    Bayless: CALM DOWN! You're acting like a animal. You want to trash a place go stay at the Holiday Inn with the rest of the boys. I had fuld security on all alert, I took every possible...

    Jobber123: FULL SECURITY!!! THOSE WHITE COATS ARE A JOKE! THIS KIND OF CRAP MIGHT BE FINE FOR THE BOYS BUT I'M JOBBER123 DAMN IT?!! YOU SHOULD HAVE HIRED THE ARMY TO PROTECT MY AWARDS CEREMONY!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  177. Hey at least I got him on the show!

    ReplyDelete
  178. Don't worry, as long as I'm around you'll always have a spot aimlessly walking down a hallway or standing in a ring.

    ReplyDelete
  179. *24 hours later TMZ obtains exclusive audio from the damaged camera left on the hotel lobby after jobbers attack provided to them by disgruntled Four Season bar staff members*

    -inaudible sounds-
    Bayless: I can't just fire him, he has a contract. He could sue us.

    Jobber: So what? It will take years for that to play out and in the meantime he can't challenge me...or my title.

    Bayless: That would cost millions and besides his valet is big time merchandize seller and Vinson is one of the most popular acts in the BoD. We can't get rid of him...like that...*laughs*

    Jobber: Well I want my TV replaced. I already was counting on having it side by side with my 75"

    Bayless: I'll just fine Jef Vinson the amount of the TV and buy you a new one.

    Jobber: And I want it delivered to MY HOUSE, NOT A STUPID WRESTLING RING SO SOMEONE CAN SMASH IT

    Bayless: Fine, I'll have it delivered. Not a problem.

    Jobber: Yeah well make sure you fine Jef enough to pay for deliver and instillation. Plus some extra HDMI cables.

    Bayless: Of course.

    Jobber: Nothing better happen to this TV Bayless...

    ReplyDelete
  180. Ehh its not. I re-watched the match about a month ago, if anything Scott's *** 3/4 is about the highest I can see it as I have it at *** 1/2

    ReplyDelete
  181. Everything about this description is fucking awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  182. 100x better if it was No Holds Barred!!

    ReplyDelete
  183. [THE MAYO CLINIC, ROCHESTER MINNESOTA. A MED-EVAC HELICOPTER LANDS AT THE HELIPAD. BISCUIT IS WHEELED OUT OF THE CHOPPER ON A STRETCHER]
    You flyboys had BETTER get me to my room! This is a $5000 watch and I'll have your jobs if it's damaged! My father will sue you out of business you -
    [SEES BoD CAMERA CREW]
    Oh, hello. My good friends from the Med-Evac are doing their usual excellent job providing top-notch medical care. Please come along with us.
    [CUT TO HOSPITAL ROOM. BISCUIT IS HOOKED UP TO NO FEWER THAN FIVE OVERPRICED PIECES OF HOSPITAL EQUIPMENT]
    It's vital that an athlete such as myself stay healthy and avoid injury. As such, I make sure to receive the finest medical care when I need it. Unfortunately the sickening, unparalled acts of Night81 require that I come to the Mayo Clinic for testing. His unprovoked, despicable attack on my person very well could have concussed me! So far results are negative, so all you 'Biscuitcases' at home can rest assured your favorite wrestler will be ready to go.
    Speaking of ready to go, I am truly sorry that there might have been some confusion regarding during the... controversial finish of the DBSM - Mikey Mike C-List title match. I was simply indicating to my good friend, referee Pee Wee Young, that the eBay bid I made for him while he was officiating the match won and his autographed PN News singlet was in the mail. Yo baby yo baby yo! DBSM seemed to have mistakenly blamed me for his inability to get over the hump and win the title. It's understandable to lash out at others in frustration.
    The new C-List title belt is a thing of beauty. How great were the 80s, am I right? It might have been even cooler with Willie Aames and ALF. Man ALF was awesome. It will be an honor to wear that title once I dispose of frustrated competitors like DBSM and violent, brass knuckle-wielding thugs like Night81. I had half a mind to go to the state athletic commission, but I'm an honorable man.
    That leaves you, Mikey. We're both honorable men, and I look forward to challenging you to a good, scientific wrestling match once these other loose cannons are out of the way.
    [PHONE RINGS]
    Oh, hey Pee Wee. Did the... singlet arrive yet? Excellent.

    ReplyDelete
  184. Dawkings covered my position in his response.

    ReplyDelete
  185. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 26, 2014 at 2:10 PM

    This guy's a jerk.

    ReplyDelete
  186. TM CooltrainerBretAugust 26, 2014 at 2:12 PM

    Dirty Bastards, Inc, is a great name for a stable.

    ReplyDelete
  187. Biff Kensington IIIAugust 26, 2014 at 2:42 PM

    I used to sit around thinking up wrestling gimmicks like ten years ago, when I was big into e-feds and the like. I drag a few ideas up now and then when I'm bored.

    ReplyDelete
  188. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonAugust 26, 2014 at 3:02 PM

    BoD POST SHOW EXCLUSIVE: ONLY AVAILABLE ON THE BoD APP

    *In a house just outside of the Hollywood hills I am chilling in my pool while my valet walks around the yard in a micro bikini. As she practices with the Walther PPK the servant comes out and is caught off guard by her being 98.5% naked.*

    What do you want?

    "You...you have a letter, sir"

    Then why aren't you giving it to me?

    "Oh, I'm quite sorry sir."

    You like my valet, right?

    "She is..quite radiant, sir."

    Well let me introduce you to my other bitch.

    *I whistle and my Rottweiler runs around the corner, chasing the servant in the house.*

    By the way, you're fired.

    *Reads letter*

    Heh...heh heh...BWAHAHAHAHahahahahahahah!!!

    Get this babe, they expect me to pay for that TV!

    *Crumples the letter in a ball and throws it in the air and she shoots it in mid-flight*

    *Picks up the phone* Randy! What's good, my dude? Yeah do me a favor, do you have that 85" TV in stock? Good Take the TV out of the box, put an 82" TV in there and ship it to the following addres..what? Do I want to leave a card? Yeah Put on the card "Time is ticking assh*BEEP. Enjoy the SECOND largest TV ever made, you should be used to being second best to me." Later my man.
    *Sips on my lemonade as my valet puts another picture of Bayless on the target and fires, hitting right between the eyes.*

    ReplyDelete
  189. At least give me a fake tommy gun to carry around!

    ReplyDelete
  190. BoD House Show: Handicap Match; White Coat Security and Marvelous Matt Perri(w/ Miss Danielle) vs The Hoss.

    GM Bayless has made this match due to Hoss's outburst on Welcome To The BOD!; White Coat, represented by Bill Ray and Average Joe Everyman, enters first, followed by Marvelous Matt and Miss Danielle, who's dress matches Matt's sparkling red robe. White Coat holds the ropes for Miss Danielle, as Matt jumps over the top rope and high fives both Bill and Gary...AND HERE COMES HOSS! He charges to the ring, as all three men punch and stomp him as he slides under the bottom rope. Miss Danielle steps through the ropes and into the ringside area, as Hoss powerslams Gary, and drops the elbow, but Bill comes in with a diving headbutt, and breaks up the count.

    The referee makes Bill and Matt get on the apron as the match starts; Rockstar Gary tries to dropkick Hoss, but bounces right off, and Hoss calmly throws him into the corner and hits the avalanche. Hoss laughs, and then hits the big splash, but pulls Gary up at two and throws him into his corner. Bill Ray tags in, and the two 300-pounders start throwing punches! Hoss wins the slugfest, and grabs Bill for the overhead suplex, but Bill escapes with the thumb to the eye, and then throws knees until Hoss goes down.

    Bill tags Marvelous Matt, who comes in with the DDT and middle rope kneedrop, but Hoss hits the spear, and knocks both White Coat guys off the apron, and hits Matt with the overhead suplex. He climbs the ropes for the Death From Sprinkles(top rope Vader Bomb), but Miss Danielle gets on the apron and sprays Hoss in the eyes with hairspray! Bill slides in the ring and powerbombs Hoss out of the corner, allowing Matt to hit A Star Is Born(springboard 450 splash) for the pin! After the match, Hoss destroys the referee with the powerslam and Death From Sprinkles.

    ReplyDelete
  191. Aw, you're on the house show match!

    ReplyDelete
  192. Big Dirty Murph and the Welcome to The BoD segments made me laugh so hard I got in trouble at work, so I nominate that.

    ReplyDelete

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