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BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE




GM Bayless is in the ring with The Administration. White Coat Security is surrounding the entire ring. The lower midcard has gathered on the ramp. GM Bayless now grabs the mic:


“After last week, I was forced to make some changes. You see, due to all of the damage that Jef Vinson caused, I was forced to make some financial decisions that will directly impact all of you. I was forced to remove all of the benches in your locker room to use for firewood in my office. I was also forced to cancel your meal allowance on the road, because of Jef Vinson’s antics. I was forced to have all plumbing shut off in your locker room because I could no longer afford to keep it running, because of Jef Vinson. You see, Jef Vinson did this to you. Jef Vinson does not care about your well-being. Jef Vinson only cares about himself. His actions are indicative of a selfish man who only does what will benefit himself and not you or anyone else in the BoD.

With that being said, I have spoken with the BoD Board of Directors and have revoked the Top 5 Lounge privileges from Jef Vinson this week. (Bayless looks directly at the lower midcarders before him) And because I think everyone should be responsible for their actions, Jef Vinson will be dressing in the lower midcard dressing room. This way, all of you (points at the lower midcard again) can confront him about his recent actions.


And finally, Jef Vinson, you will have a match tonight against someone else you have angered through your actions. With the money you cost the BoD, I was unable to restock the ice cream bar and now, Jef Vinson, you will step into the ring with Todd “Hoss” Lorenz. Hoss, come out and tell us how you feel.”

(Hoss comes out holding a giant bowl and spoon)



Hoss: MY ICE CREAM BOWL IS EMPTY. I WILL FUCKING KILL WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. JEF VINSON, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bayless: Tonight, Jef Vinson, you will pay. You will pay dearly my friend.



(Bayless leaves and orders everyone else to follow him to the locker room as Hoss demands the lower midcarders get him ice cream ASAP)



It is perfectly clear that the GM is on a mission to get the BoD to turn on Jef Vinson.


BoD Writer’s Championship #1 Contender’s Tournament Quarterfinal: 
Dock Muraco vs. “Marvelous” Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle


Muraco is wearing his “Snowflakes over (Ticket) Sales” T-shirt available now at BoD Shopzone. He starts the match by taking Perri to the mat and applying all sorts of armbars that he learned from watching the past G1 Tournament. Perri reaches the ropes then refuses to break cleanly and takes control of the match. Perri hammers away in the corner but misses a charge in the corner. Muraco comes back with a clothesline and goes back to work on the arm with a Fujiwara armbar but Perri reaches the ropes again. Miss Danielle grabs the leg of Muraco and he yells at her but from behind Perri takes him to the floor with a knee smash. Perri goes outside and slams Muraco’s head off of the apron then poses for a bit. Muraco looks mad, probably because this match is not close to ****. Back inside, Perri works on the leg of Muraco and gets a nearfall with a shinbreaker. Perri misses an elbow drop and that allows Muraco to fight back. Muraco hammers away and clotheslines Perri through the ropes. Perri is up on the apron and Muraco tries to suplex him back in but Miss Danielle trips him up and Perri falls on top then Miss Danielle grabs Muraco’s leg as the ref counts to three. Perri advances to the Semi-Finals to take on the winner of tonight’s match as Muraco is pissed off.



Jef Vinson has arrived to the Lower Midcard Locker Room. He looks around at the horrid conditions that surrounds him.





Suddenly, the locker room stops what they were doing and stares at Vinson. Matt Indeed, now sporting a white windbreaker and feathered hair, asks Vinson if he wants to reform Strike Force. Vinson said no thanks as Matt Indeed continues to ask the locker room if they want to be part of his team. 

"Happening" Harry Broadhurst tells Jef two Harry facts: 

9. Harry likes his Spaghetti O's with meatballs
10. Harry thinks Jef Vinson is an asshole for punishing the midcarders

In the corner, Ripner Cabnit, Alex Bull, and Tom Dawkings are huddling down and covering their heads as the ceiling tiles are on falling down. Now, Greg Phillips, "Pistol" Pete Labozetta, Matt Hayden, Flyin' Brian Gutan, Brian Wise, Stan Ford, and Eddie Chicago have all surrounded Vinson and are now beating him down. Vinson fights off the lowly bottom dwellers but now even more guys come piling in to help. Its about 20 vs. 1 right now as Vinson busts through the circle! He starts hammering away and busts through. Jef now as a chain he apparently found on the floor and starts swinging it around as everyone backs off. Jef Vinson is refusing to go down, folks. 


GM Bayless is back in the ring. He welcomes out the BoD Champion, Jobber123, and his stable consisting of Zanatude, his man-crush Stuart Chartock, and Big Dirty Murph. White Coat Security is instructing the fat people and the ugly girls to turn their back away from the champ when he enters as they distrub him. Bayless then says with great pleasure, he will show us what Jef Vinson robbed us of last week. Here is your champion caring for the children. Roll the tape. 

(The camera shows Jobber and Big Dirty Murph smoking a joint at the basketball court. A few kids run over and approach them)

Kid #1: Hey, aren't you the BoD World Champion?
Jobber: (hits the joint) Yeah, (Blows the smoke at the kids) I am the champ. What do you want?
Kid #2: Well, we want to play basketball and you are in our way.
Big Dirty Murph: The champ will leave when he is finished. 
Kid #1 Hey, isn't that marijuana? Drugs are bad for you
Jobber: (Slightly Irritated) I have a prescription you dick. I belong to six dispensaries and it is perfectly legal. I am not like your white trash parents. 
Kid #2: What did our parents do wrong?
Jobber: (Stands up) Well, first off, your clothes look like shit. That means your parents are poor. How old is the Infinity in your driveway anyway?
Both Kids: (Confused) I don't know
Jobber: Look, if you are poor, then its your parents fault. It means they are terrible people. Kids, if I was you, I would try to solve that problem. 
Both Kids: How do we do that.
Jobber: How the fuck would I know? (Smirks) Well, I do know, actually. (Pulls out a bag with what appears to be candy) Kids, want some Jolly Ranchers?
Both Kids: Sure (They put them in their mouths)
Jobber: They will make you feel good. The doctor at my dispensary gave them to me. 
Both Kids: (start giggling and laughing at their hands) Thank you Jobber!
Jobber: No problem. (Looks over to Murph) Hey, lets go to the titty bar. Maybe we will see these kids' mothers. 
Big Dirty Murph: Yeah, they seem the type to dance the lunch shift
Jobber: Just like Jef Vinson's valet (Both guy now laugh hysterically)

Jobber123, the anti-hero all your children want to emulate. 


Back in the ring, GM Bayless looks mad at Jobber and his crew. He tells them to leave Jef Vinson's valet out of this and they now damn well she wouldnt be dancing the lunch shift at the strip club.....................because her tube tits are too sloppy to even set up the lunch buffet at the strip club. The GM and the others all have a big laugh. 


Backstage, Roth Munson and Trunk Barlow give Hoss his ice cream. Hoss looks and sees there are only two pints in the back and both are pistachio. Hoss screams at them. WHO THE FUCK PUT HEALTH FOOD IN MY ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoss then picks up each guy by the neck and chokes them before putting them in chairs. Hoss now orders them to each eat a pint in under a minute. Both guys furiously cram the half-melted ice cream down their throats. They both just beat the deadline as they look exhausted and full. Hoss then orders them to stand up. Both guys struggle to get to their feet then Hoss immediately punches them in the stomach as they both get sick. Hoss then chokeslams them both down. Hoss now looks angrier than ever as the camera zooms in on his giant empty bowl and spoon. 


The National Guard has arrived as they have been notified that a bazooka, specifically a Petuka Bazooka, is going to be launched tonight. 


GM Bayless is in the ring. He says that he has two new spambots turned BoD NXT graduates that will face the champs. He also says that he has not forgotten about the Midcard Mafia for what they did last night and reminds them how Magoonie has still not been cleared by Medical Director Miss Diagnosis. He then says that next week, Nick Piers & Steve Ferrari will have a match. GM Bayless then gets back to the matter at hand and says that here are the opponents for the champions.................Bark Reynolds & Slip Karstens!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY THE STARPOWER






BoD Tag Team Title Match
Bark Reynolds & Slip Karstens vs. Upper Midcard Express

The UMX are still wearing their helmets as they head to the ring. kbjone heads over to the National Guard and shows him is graphs of how they are the upper midcard and not the regular, thus making it non-sensical that they have to defend their titles against the Midcard Mafia. Match starts with the UMX wailing the piss out of these two with their helmets. kbjone sends Reynolds into the corner with a powerbomb then tosses him to the floor. Uh oh, the National Guard are preparing as a bazooka is about to be launched in 3..........2..............1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MUwmGYFWYs


petuka bazooka
Petuka Bazooka
PETUKA BAZOOKA

kbjone then covers with his pinky finger for the win. The UMX are now posing in the ring but from the crowd comes the Midcard Mafia!!!!!! Piers and Ferrari attack them from behind but the UMX slip out of the ring. The Midcard Mafia then notice the helmets that are in the ring as they pick them up, with the UMX going mental at the thought of people below them on kbjone's graphs are touching their property. The Midcard Mafia then go outside and proceed to smash the helmets against the ringposts as they shatter completely. The UMX flip out as the National Guard sits idle then yell at them for doing nothing while their tax dollars are paying their salaries.


GM Bayless is backstage with Justice Gray. He tells them that the fucking lower midcard is pathetic for not carrying out his orders. He says that the plan will work though, no matter what.


And now, here is a video of a new BoD RAW performer who will be making his debut in the coming weeks. Here is Biff Kensington III:

(Camera shows a man reading a Vineyard Vines Catalog)

"Hello, I am Biff Kensington III. As a product of wealth, thanks to my father Biff Jr., I have had a desire. That desire has lead me to enter the BoD. Besides lobbying congress to deregulate so I can make more profits for Kensington Enterprises, my desire to enter the BoD is even greater. I strive to have the gold around my waist, build my own luxurious lounge and even spread the wealth. Maybe to acquire a stable? Maybe not? But remember this (sticks is coffee cup out as a Jamaican Maid pours his coffee) I will win when I get to the BoD because I am a winner. And to vote GOP on election day."


Back in the Luxurious Top 5 Lounge, Jobber sits down next to Parallax.



Jobber: You know, Vinson is fucking us both over. 
Parallax:(Looks Bothered) How so?
Jobber: He is taking money out of our wallets to start. Plus, he used to go to the GM behind our backs to rat us out for stuff we never did. I heard that he told Bayless you were selling your first class travel packages for more than they were worth to fuel a drug habit. 
Parallax (Doesn't appear to believe Jobber): Why would he do that?
Jobber: Jealously. He cheated to win the Money on the Table match and never would have if you were there. I heard he made sure to go to Bayless and have you and Farva (RIP my man) wrestle at BoD Mania so there would be less competition for him in the match. 
Parallax: I dont know about any of that and quite frankly, I do not care. 
Jobber: (Lights up a blunt) You know, Lax, we are a lot alike. And both of us are getting fucked over by Vinson. I think we should do something about that. 
Parallax: (Looks slightly more interested) What do you have in mind? 
Jobber: Next week, we are booked in the BoD RAW main event against Vinson & Cultstatus. 
Parallax: (Shocked) I never heard that?
Jobber: Heard that in the locker room. (Blows smoke too close towards Parallax)
Parallax: (Unhappy about the smoke): Don't blow that shit in my face? If we have the match, I will be there. 
Jobber: Hey man, if you need to calm down have one of these (pulls out weed jolly ranchers)
Parallax: (Angry) Do you have shit for brains or something?
Jobber: Sorry man, forgot that's not your thing. Next week though, we will be there against two people trying to hold us down. 
Parallax: (Gets up and leaves) Next week then


Biscuit v Night81
Night by now is used to working early in the card, as he came up short in a critically acclaimed Best of 5 series against DBSM and looks to take vengeance on Biscuit, who's been harassing every C-Lister with his constant interference and beatdowns. Night takes the fight to Biscuit early, showing ability above that of your average C-Lister, but Biscuit has every move sealed off, countering Night's moves with flawless technique! Running Bulldog is sealed, Twisting Face Crusher is evaded, and the No Mercy Headscissors Takedown is countered with a cartwheel! Desperate, Night goes to the striking game for his answers. Spin Kick! Caribbean Uppercut! Flash Kick! 1....2....NO! Biscuit kicks out. Night then tries a Cactus Piledriver, but Biscuit counters with a big back body drop, before throwing Night around with abandon! Belly to Belly Suplex! Butterfly Suplex! Kamisori Suplex! Capture Suplex! 1....2....NO! Night gets out of it. Biscuit puts Night on top for the Throwback(Bridging Floatover Butterfly Superplex), but Night does an acrobatic flip reversal, lands on his feet on the canvas, then takes Biscuit down from behind with the Night Rider(Reverse Frankensteiner)! Night goes for the pin, but gets waffled with a lead pipe from....Joedust? Whats going on?




Joedust pipes Night into a DQ win, before scooping him up and hitting the Dust Crusher(Fisherman's Brainbuster), leaving Night out cold! Joedust and Biscuit pose, but are run off by Mikey Mike and DBSM! Joedust and Biscuit retreat to the ramp, and while DBSM and Mikey check on Night, Joedust gets a mic and says he will explain his actions. He says that Mikey Mike and DBSM were a disgrace to the recently formed BoD Top 19, and Joedust felt he had to do something about it. Joedust provided quality posts and underappreciated opinions, and now suddenly a bunch of 8000 count C-List wannabes corrupt everything and take a certain status that they don't deserve to have. No more, sez Dust, as him and Biscuit will show the BoD what these Ring Generals are capable of, and force this Top 19 to become a Top 18, as it was always meant to be. Joedust then says that Mike should sign away that C-List title to Biscuit, because the Halitosis Kid will prove hes the baddest, most quality posting C-Lister on the block at Night of Champions, and thats a Ring General guarantee. Joedust drops the mic and walks away. THIS FEUD WILL CONTINUE, ALEBIT IN A DIFFERENT FORM WITH MORE PEOPLE.


Backstage, Abeyance is chatting with thebraziliankid

Abeyance: Due to budget cuts, "Welcome to the BoD" was cut this week
thebraziliankid: Oh no. That's not good
Abeyance: But it gives me more time to talk to my friend. Her name is Maria Marry. 
thebraziliankid: Um, isn't that a bot?
Abeyance: No, its Maria Marry. I havent met Bot. Should I welcome him to the BoD?
thebraziliankid: Um, sure
Abeyance:Okay, lets go find him

(They both leave to do whatever it is they are going to do)


Kyle Fitta is getting ready for his Writer's Tournament Match against Logan Scisco, before sudddenly hes jumped from behind and given a kendo stick beatdown by Rock Star Gary and Bill Ray, while Brian Bayless watches! The beating eventually stops, as Rock Star Gary reports that Fitta was assaulted by two unknown men, and since hes in no condition to compete, says that he should take Fitta's place in the tournament. Bill Ray confirms the story, and adds that Rock Star Gary had the balls to review Over The Edge 1999 when no other writer did, therefore making him the perfect choice. Bayless concurs, and announces that Rock Star Gary will take on Logan Scisco! WILL BAYLESS EVER STOP SCREWING OVER THE LOWERCARD?



Writer's Tournament Quarterfinal Match
Rock Star Gary vs Logan Scisco
Gary's dubious entry into this tournament may have changed the game, as he goes up against the criminally underrated Logan Scisco in this quarterfinal matchup. Logan controls with decent, underrated offense, but being a 20 reply writer, no one cares. Logan tries a shallow arm drag, but Gary counters into one of his own, sending him to the outside before distracting the ref so Bill Ray can beat on Scisco! DASTARDLY CHEATIN! Scisco is thrown in, as Gary rakes the head, eyes, legs, and back, desperate for an advantage, before shifting to more practical offense. Modified Glam Slam! Tilt-A-Whirl Backbreaker! Lower the Boom Punch! 1....2....NO! Scisco kicks out. Gary goes to the top, looking for a big back elbow, but Scisco evades the attack! Knee Trembler! 1....2....NO! Belly to Back Suplex! 1....2....NO! Back Brain Kick......gets nothing, as Bill Ray is on the apron distracting the ref! Scisco exchanges bon mots with Ray, before front kicking him off the apron! Scisco then heads back in and goes for the Thread Reply(Reverse STO) on Gary, but Gary knees him in the balls! Ref didn't see it! Gary shifts behind Scisco and then hits the White Line(Sleeperhold Neckbreaker)! 1....2.....3! Gary advances!




Post-match, Ray raises Gary's hand in celebration, and adds a Ray Gun(Modified Zig Zag) on Scisco for good measure! The rest of the Administration and White Coat Security do a Gracie train on the way to the ring, before lifting up Gary onto their shoulders and celebrating, as confetti rains through the air! You'd think this was a World title match celebration instead of a quarterfinal qualifier for the Writer's Title, but the Administration is clearly savoring the small victories.


Danimal Crossing is backstage. He is in blackface and wearing a Native American Headdress while holding up a shoehorn. As the mystery to figure out his new gimmick continues he tells us that he has to go back toh his big rig, not a little rig. He then says there is nothing lil' about this gimmick

GM's Choice
BoD NXT Generator
Racial Stereotype with Lil' added to name
Racial Stereotype
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
Mack the Evil Trucker
RIPSHIT


Once again, Mar Solo finds his locker stuffed with cans of Sanka. He picks one of them up and turns around and sees Aric Johnson. Mar says that at BoD Night of Champions, they will be facing off in a "Coffee Cup on a Poll" match. Mar then says if he loses, he will only drink Sanka going forward. Aric laughs then tells him that he better get used to decaffeinated coffee crystals as Mar Solo tells him that the CFL is a bunch of silly bullshit filled with players too crappy for the NFL. 

And now, back to New Zealand as YJ2310 trains with Mr. Tony Garea:

Garea: Now son, whadda ya do to start the match
YJ2310: I smile confidently because I'm winning. Then I use a hammerlock then a big hiptoss
Garea: Go on.........
YJ2310: I then set up for three straight jumping side headlock takeovers but work the headlock for five straight minutes after that so I dont show off too much for the crowd.
Garea: That's good. What else?
YJ2310: When I have to sell, I make sure it is on the mat so I get some rest. 
Garea: Okay......
YJ2310: Then I escape, hit a shoulder block, then come back with a crossbody for the win!!!!!
Garea: THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING DOO IT MY BOY!!!!!!!!!! THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU YET!!!!!!


Archie Stackhouse vs The UnStable (Jesse Baker, Steven Stennick, and Gideon Stargrave)

Something tells me 3 to 1 odds are acceptable for any Riverdaler. Stargrave begins the match with fury, as he still holds a grudge for Stackhouse beating him during a previous BoD Raw taping. He comes out strong with windmill punches, but Archie counters with a right hand to the face! Gideon wipes a sizeable degree of blood off his mouth, then tries a different approach! Diva-like forearms! Botched kicks! Stackhouse laughs as he pretends to be affected by this. Gideon goes for Solitary Confinement(Inescapable Wheelbarrow Rollup), but Archie escapes! WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED? Archie's had enough, and starts to take over on offense. Teeth-rattling Forearms! Bus Driver Uppercut! Switchblade Kiss(Running Enzuigiri)! Burning Hammer! 1....2.....3! Stargrave is eliminated! Stennick comes in, and threatens to insult Stackhouse on another message board because he doesn't like what the WWE wants him to like and is therefore a loser smark with no life, but Stackhouse counters with a right hand to the face! Switchblade Kiss! Gutwrench Backbreaker! Stackhouse grins a death-head grin, then uses Stennick's never seen 3rd Degree Markslaughter(Argentine Rack Cutter) finishing move against him! Neck Crank for good measure! 1....2.....3! Stennick is eliminated! Baker threatens to book Stackhouse in a storyline long enough to take up 25% of RSPWFAQ bandwidth, but Archie counters with a right hand to the face! How does the UnStable keep falling for this? Roundhouse Kick! Neck Crank! Burning Hammer! Baker is out, but clearly the point is not proven here! Second Neck Crank! BURNING LARIAT! JESSE BAKER HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Archie picks Baker up and.....CRITICAL NECK CRANK! CALL 911! 1....2.....3! Academic three count, as Stackhouse blows off a potential month long feud in one show! Baker is stretchered out, as he is frothing at the mouth from that vicious Neck Crank. Stackhouse makes cut-throat gestures at the camera with his crowbar as we go into a commercial for the BoD RPG!

Next week, we will get an update on the condition of Magoonie as he is under the special care of Miss Diagnosis at the Medicore Medical Center. 


Backstage, the producers are freaking out as they are unable to locate Hoss. An assistant runs over and says that Hoss left a few minutes ago talking about how he had the "route" and was going to "get it all." Someone else runs over and says that a production truck is missing. Bayless then orders them both to go find Hoss as a camera crew follows. 


Bayless heads to the ring and says that Hoss is not here so it will be time to go home as the show has ended. The crowd boos as The Authority are telling the fans to leave as Bayless yells on the mic but from behind comes Jef Vinson!!!!! He is hammering away on the GM. Jobber and his stable run out but from underneath the ring comes Adam Curry, Andy PG, Kyle Warne, and Cabspaintedyellow!!!!!!!! Its a wild brawl at ringside as the GM is getting his ass handed to him. The GM finally escapes through the crowd as Vinson chases after him. Warne and Cabs, both guys laid out by Murph last month, are now kicking his ass. 


We see the production assistant driving on the road as a car is parked sideways. Its Hoss and a stolen production truck. Coming towards him is an eighteen-wheeler and OH MY GOD ITS A BEN AND JERRY'S TRUCK!!!!!!! Hoss is in the middle of the road with his giant empty bowl and spoon as he is going to hijack an ice cream truck due to a severe case of ice cream deprivation!!!!!!!!!!!! The truck does not appear to be breaking. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HOSS AND WILL HE GET ICE CREAM!!!!!!! HAPPY LABOR DAY TO ALL OF THE BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Comments

  1. More effort was put into BOD Raw than the WWE's entire week of television.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I see you're not a fan of me!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am beginning to consider taking my ball and going home once my contract is up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Whatever. I'm already a part-timer.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You bastard...you gave my noggin a floggin'!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are going to be part of a major angle

    ReplyDelete
  7. Too much going on this week.


    You will have a match against your boy Meekin next week

    ReplyDelete
  8. Brie is the reason Curtzerker was left off of BoD Raw.

    ReplyDelete
  9. That wasn't a complaint, but... huzzah!

    Though maybe I should stay in Hollywood, forcing him to write a column about me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:15 PM

    I'm Biff Kensington III, and I approve this message...

    Hello. While you're sitting there, pondering the magnitude of your failure over an empty bag of Cheetos, remember that there ARE winners worth supporting in life. Take your humble servant, Biff Kensington III! When papa and mama decided to have coitus in the comfort of the bed your mothers clean for a living, they produced a WINNER! Not just any winner, but a man worthy of blowing coke off a hooker's ass! So when your nonexistent girlfriend shows up with a sagging ass and breasts that resemble a starving African, remember that Biff Kensington III will allow you to live vicariously through him, and will never let you down! Unlike the Dear Leader, our President Barack Obama, I do have a strategy: socializing, womanizing, and pulverizing!

    I'm Biff Kensington III, and I approved this message. Say hello to your mom for me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:17 PM

    Want to Be Like Biff? Now you can pretend when you look in the mirror with our brand new Biff Shirt! Available on sale at retailers near you!

    http://i.imgur.com/1Z253Zd.png

    ReplyDelete
  12. That's more than you deserve... i am the BoD RAW Franchise Player and I don't deserve to be treated like this.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonSeptember 1, 2014 at 9:17 PM

    *Grabs the mic*


    My dear worthless peons of BoD. Bayless has said many false things about you. He said that I don't care about the rest of the BoD wrestlers..well, DOY MOTHERF*BEEP*
    I don't like ANY of you. But even though you have 3 active brain cells amongst you all of you dimwits have to harness enough mental energy to see that he is playing me against you.


    It's time for a change. Bayless and his team of testicle tasters he has assembled has to go. If they do you will not get your precious ice cream.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Alright:


    Segment of the night. Match of the night

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not gonna stand up for your valet?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonSeptember 1, 2014 at 9:18 PM

    OH...I was getting to that.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Segment of the night = My segment.


    Match of the night was someone going on the BoD Network and playing a match of mine.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:20 PM

    Unlike Mr. Laxative, Biff Kensington III will never take his ball and go home. To any of his fabulous homes that your tax money helped subsidize. Biff Kensington III will never fold like a cheap Thai hooker, and you'll never feel as ashamed of yourself for thinking of Biff when you're trying to focus on Jennifer Lawrence's titties.

    I'm Biff Kensington III, and I approve this reply.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Stranger in the AlpsSeptember 1, 2014 at 9:22 PM

    Conspicuous by his absence the last several weeks: Me, your BoD Writer's Champion. Let me show you why:


    *Video introduction. Explosions. Movie voice over guy:


    "They said he was finished *BOOM*
    They said he had nothing left in the tank *KA-POW*
    But they were wrong *BLAAAAAM*
    They were.....DEAD wrong!"


    Stranger in the Alps is Guy Montero in.....BOOGIE DOWN SHOWDOWN IN MOTOWN


    Clips of Guy Montero on the dance floor doing shit like the Worm and the Robot. Two guys try to advance on him, but he whips ninja stars out of his disco heels and nails them both in the head.


    Guy Montero grabs the nearest chick and whispers his catch phrase: "Let's boogie".


    Coming soon to video on demand.*

    ReplyDelete
  20. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonSeptember 1, 2014 at 9:22 PM

    When you read that it comes across....weird.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Stranger in the AlpsSeptember 1, 2014 at 9:24 PM

    Rock Star Gary finding his ball sack and stepping up to the plate.

    ReplyDelete
  22. HUSS HUSS HUSS

    ReplyDelete
  23. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:26 PM

    Ladies and gentlemen, observe the Charismatic eNegro Jef Vinson in his natural habitat, threatening the ice cream. Biff Kensington III would never withhold ice cream, and would never dress like Al Sharpton on crystal meth. Dear Vinson, your apparent envy of testicles is a tragic statement on the quality of manhood present on BoD Raw, but FEAR NOT! I, Biff Kensington III, will bring a pair of testicles that will overwhelm the prunes currently jangling each and every week. I will show your significant other the power of my Trickle Down program, and will restore her confidence in men for your pleasure. Because Biff Kensington III knows three things: satisfying unsatisfied women, making thinly veiled racist comments that you try not to laugh at, and the Dutch.



    I'm Biff Kensington III, and my shit doesn't stink. Vote GOP.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You'll be champion foreverl

    ReplyDelete
  25. Segment:Jobber and the kids.
    Match:Archie killing everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  26. One of the best BoD Raws Bayless.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Jobber and the kids was my favorite thing I wrote this week

    ReplyDelete
  28. "Do your job, referee!" - Gorilla Monsoon

    ReplyDelete
  29. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:29 PM

    I know, right? I really think that new Biff guy brings a lot to the table.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Correction to the below: You're a REALLY dead man.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm getting nostalgic for the times when I wasn't booked.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Background guy is a lot to handle sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I was laughing the whole time I read it, love how the roster tuned on Jef, lost it when. Hoss highjacked the ice cream truck, and enjoyed how my chair was in the top 5 lounge.

    ReplyDelete
  34. No one can understand WTF you are saying with your teeth having been curb stomped out

    ReplyDelete
  35. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:31 PM

    The Biff felt conflicted about demeaning a little girl, but he got over his conflicted feelings.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonSeptember 1, 2014 at 9:32 PM

    *throws Bayless in the trunk of the car*

    Baby, keep the car running. I'll be right back.

    Biff is it? The only trickle down I see is around the corner of your mouth from deep thr*BEEP* the commissioner her. Now I admire what you're trying to do. You're want to make a name. Unfortunately for you it will NOT be at my expense.

    I wanted this to be a short night. Really, I did. So as the GOD of the BoD. I will give you ONE warning. Do not.

    In.

    Your.

    Life.

    EVER fuck with me again

    *Valet pulls the tech out*

    Permettez-moi de lui tire mon amour.



    Nah, baby. We'll let this go. We have reservations.


    *Valet shoots up Dirty Dick's car before we pull off, running over Biff's foot in the process.*

    ReplyDelete
  37. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:32 PM

    The Biff uses Seabond for his dental needs! Because when it comes to sticky things, the Biff is an expert. Your mom understands.

    ReplyDelete
  38. (standing backstage, with a partially open door behind me.)


    "Another week, another title defense. But you know what, instead of words, I'll let my actions speak this week."


    (walks into the room behind me, where the remaining UnStable are laid out on treatment tables. I walk to each table, shoving Stennick and Stargrave off of them, laughing as they crash to the ground. They're barely conscious to begin, and a couple of swift kicks to the cranium silences their pitiful moans for a while.)


    "So that makes two teams down this week. Anyone else game for a beating?"


    (walks out of the room, and down the hall, whistling the whole way. Barely noticeable, there is a high heel sticking out the room to my right. I actually trip over the heel, stumbling but not falling thanks to my stellar balance and agility. Turning to see what my next target will be, my face goes pale instead, and I back off, briskly walking/almost running away and calling for medics.)


    (The cameraman, unable to curb his curiosity, peeks into the room I just sped away from. A well-dressed woman lies on the ground, face down, with a small puddle of blood under her head. Other than the blood, one might think she was taking a nap there. Spooked like I was, the cameraman drops his camera, and the last thing heard before it hits the ground is "HELP! SOME... [static] )

    ReplyDelete
  39. And Jef just killed his heat before he even debut....

    ReplyDelete
  40. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:34 PM

    The Biff noticed you had a tail light out. The Biff recommends you get that fixed.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonSeptember 1, 2014 at 9:35 PM

    It's because Bayless is kicking inside my damned trunk.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Biff Kensington IIISeptember 1, 2014 at 9:36 PM

    The Biff understands your pain. That's why the Biff always buys American! Because God Damn It, you can't trust the damn egg rolls to build you a right proper car. So when you overcome your testicle envy, give me a call, and I'll make sure you and your special friend take a ride on TRUE. AMERICAN. MUSCLE.


    I'm Biff Kensington III, and that was a reference to my dick.

    ReplyDelete
  43. You know, you can all talk about a major tag team main event next week, but let's not forget this.... Around this same time next week, I WILL have over 30k post here, and I will want my title shot in a nice and orderly fashion Jobber. You may be Bayless's corporate puppet, but I am the one that welcomes ALL to the BoD!.....
    I'll see you next week champ.......be ready.......

    ReplyDelete
  44. Huh.


    (The confused grunt comes from off-camera. It's Andy PG, staring at the whiteboard. He sees RSG and Perri have been added to the semifinals, with a note saying "Semifinal draw later this week". He reviews Gary's match with Scisco... specifically the ending, with the celebration Gary got.)


    Maybe I was wrong about you, Bayless. Maybe I had the wrong target all along. After all... money clearly means nothing to you. You have more than you can handle owning the BoDWF. That's why you can afford to cut our water, cut our catering, cut everything else. And you say it's Vinson doing it? Pfft. There's a reason I'm teaming up with Vinson, and with Fear and Loathing -- Adam and Kyle -- and with Cab-boy. The five of us have an identical mission. It's about being passed over.


    Adam, we are brothers in this fight. You and me... we got a little difference in how we see life. You go through with a comfortable haze, while I try to keep my eyes open and clear. But hey... politics makes strange bedfellows. And with you denied a rematch for the B+ title -- and hey, with Night of Champions in three weeks I wouldn't be surprised if you were denied -- you gotta be mad. And I'm mad for you too. That's three singles titles -- the big three -- all being denied their rightful challenger.


    Vinson... you don't like anyone. You've made that clear. You'd just as soon have your bodyguard murder us all than talk to us. But you can't win this war alone, Jef. I'm here to help. We talked last week, and you made it clear -- you work alone. But you know what? Now's not the time. United we stand, divided we fall.


    But enough about the Administration. There's one good thing about tournaments -- you win, and they can't stop you. Last week, Darren X saw that personally. Next week, we'll find out who's next. Let's look over the possibilities:


    Matt Perri. Matt Perri... I remember you. You were the one counting the lights when this all began. I took advantage of you, I beat you, and I became the real #1 Contender. Which I still am. Nothing will change if we meet next week.


    Gary? I see you... I know what you are. The Administration loves you because you're not me. If you're the chosen one, they're not doing much to help you. And next week, if it's us... there's nothing they can do to help. Face it, I'm just better. Bring your little #1 Fan, bring Bill Ray, bring the entire set of white coats... you'll need a bazooka to take me out.


    (Don't get ideas, Jon.)


    And that brings me to the last semifinalist... Tommy Hall? This is all your doing. This is what you've sown. And when you face me -- it's what you'll reap. You bribed your way into this tournament and you made it clear you think the world is for you to take. Forget it. Your name is at the top of my list -- above Gary, above Perri, above Bayless, Jobber, Murph, Zana, the UMX, everyone! It's because of you I don't have the rematch I earned. The rematch even Stranger agrees I deserve.


    So Matt -- Gary -- Tommy. Put your names in a hat. Pull one of them out. Find me. Because next week in the semifinals of our tournament I will do what Bayless can't stop me from doing -- retain my #1 Contender status. Seven writers wanted to take my place. In two weeks, no survivors."


    (Andy exits the locker room, ready to head out... but he runs into Adam Curry!)


    Adam... sir. You are a champion in my eyes. I like working with you. Let's do it again sometime.


    (He extends his hand.)

    ReplyDelete
  45. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomerySeptember 1, 2014 at 9:49 PM

    Dear Night: Just when you think you know all the questions, I change the answers.




    ....wait, that's not right.

    ReplyDelete
  46. The Kiwi Kid is making progress! Im a Tony Garea Guy!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Garea Guy > Heyman Guy

    ReplyDelete
  48. Why have Hoss when you can have HUSS! AMIRITE??


    ....huss?

    ReplyDelete
  49. Curtzerker is coming back soon. Very soon.


    HUSS

    ReplyDelete
  50. Well alright. But I AM getting calls from certain people down south...promising a HUSS-Division championship...

    ReplyDelete
  51. Stranger in the AlpsSeptember 1, 2014 at 10:24 PM

    I was saying boo-huss.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Don't let Hoss hear you say that. Unless you have ice cream

    ReplyDelete
  53. Hoss vs Huss

    Next week

    Do it.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I have a planned confrontation for them.


    Not for a while though

    ReplyDelete
  55. MEANWHILE, backstage..
    "Hey guys, I'm looking for Hoss, do y-"
    "HUSS?"
    "No, Hoss."
    "HUSS?"
    "No, HOSS."
    "HUSS?"
    "HOSS!"
    "HUSS!"
    "HOSS!!!"
    "HUSS!!!"
    "HOSS!!!!!"
    "HUSS!!!!!"
    "HOSSHUSSHOSSHUSSHOSSHUSSHOSSHUSS-"

    ReplyDelete
  56. That was the basis off the first confrontation

    ReplyDelete
  57. And you listen to Creative? HA! I mean, HUSS!

    ReplyDelete
  58. HOSS vs. HUSS


    AT BoD MANIA II

    ReplyDelete
  59. (Bill Ray, Rockstar Gary, and Average Joe Everyman are sitting in the back)
    Bill Ray: "First, my apologies to Logan Sisco and Kyle Fitta. Unfortunately, when the man who signs my paycheck tells me and Gary to give someone a Detroit beating, it happens. Moving on: we advanced in the tournament!(Bill high fives Gary) And now...our next opponents... WILL FEEL THE POWER!
    (Joe and Gary high five as Bill slams a shot of Jack, and the camera cuts out)

    ReplyDelete
  60. Longterm booking rules!

    ReplyDelete
  61. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonSeptember 1, 2014 at 10:40 PM

    Get back in the fucking trunk, Bayless.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Never. White Coat Security has freed me and I am back in the GM's office, hearing someone HUSS and checking on the legal status of Hoss

    ReplyDelete
  63. I've been painted as a non-meatball liker in my Spaghetti O's. This is simply not true.

    ReplyDelete
  64. I will change Harry Fact #9 to reflect an accurate description

    ReplyDelete
  65. Bayless is the king of longterm booking.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Honestly, I think I got the best of the gimmicks from the wheel. Great job on these shows, Brian.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I think folks are missing an opportunity to get in on Strike Force 2.0

    ReplyDelete
  68. It's like theyre peeking into my psyche. Well done.

    Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  69. What legal status? The law clearly states that any ice cream I can reach is legally mine.

    ReplyDelete
  70. ****A BoD App Exclusive. 999! 999! 999!****

    [NORDEAST MINNEAPOLIS. THIS UP AND COMING NEIGHBORHOOD IS POPULAR WITH YOUNG ARTISTS AND PROFESSIONALS. A HOMELESS MAN LEANS AGAINST A WALL ASKING FOR CHANGE]


    Biscuit: Get away from my building before I call the -

    [NOTICES CAMERA]

    Oh, hello. It's always nice to be back home after an exhausting travel week
    performing for the fans on BoD All-Star Wrestling, Saturday Night and of course
    the flagship BoD Raw.

    [TURNS TO MAN] Did you catch me this week? I scored a pretty impressive victory.

    Of course with Labo(u)r Day being just behind us, it's important to remember the
    plight of the American worker. Recent events on BoD Raw have shed light
    on what some have called less than ideal locker room conditions for many of our C-List stars. I wouldn't know myself as the esteemed GM Mr. Bayless has always provided me with quality personal locker room accommodation ever since an attorney I recommended sorted out a few issues with the Minnesota State Athletic Commission. I've always been a proud supporter of the Administration!

    It's come to my attention that some C-List stars want to agitate for better locker room facilities. I'm here with this indigent gentleman to suggest that it's not the best idea to do this. You may recognize this man; he used to be Hardwork Bobby Walker

    Man: I have no idea who that is. I'm very hungry, sir. Could you -

    Biscuit: See, short-term thinking like Mr. Walker here exhibited suing the now defunct WCW is why he was excluded from this fine sport later on. It's important that our great athletes focus on the fans and their hopefully long careers. That's why I'm here with Mr. Walker raising awareness of the plight of wrestlers who made bad career decisions. I can't offer any money myself, but my platform will be used for good.

    Speaking of good and bad career decisions, my associate Joedust and I are making great career decisions that unfortunately exacerbate the poor career decisions made by wrestlers like Night81 and DBSM. Is it really a good idea to cast your lot with a man whose championship reign is destined to end like the career of our friend Mr. Walker?

    Man: my name is David James.

    Biscuit: Yes, yes. I've been very fortunate to find an associate like Joedust, and he and I will make sure we both meet our career goals. See, athletes have a very short career window; well, mine will be very long but that's a different issue altogether. DBSM and Night81 hopefully understand that wasting precious matches going after the C-List title once I have wrested it from Mikey Mike will be a poor use of time. It's better to find other wrestlers, wrestlers they'll be able to beat. I am a fair man, gentlemen. I will not speak for Joedust, but I can say I'll be less of an impediment to your careers if you refrain from Hail Mary shots at my title.



    [A MINNEAPOLIS POLICE OFFICER APPROACHES THE HOMELESS MAN]


    Biscuit: good afternoon, officer. Would you be able to help our indigent friend with some social services? He's been distressing people around here today.


    [OFFICER ROUGHLY ACCOSTS HOMELESS MAN]


    Biscuit: Don't be Bobby Walker, my friends.

    ReplyDelete
  71. 80? This Jobber push is really putting comments in comment boxes.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Hoilday weekend

    ReplyDelete
  73. Failure to put the strap on Parallax

    ReplyDelete

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