Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Saturday Night’s Main Event Countdown: #34

The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #34 – 06.02.07

Welcome to the 2007 SNME, now cut down to a 90 minute show and abandoned to die by NBC. Which it did. This would be the very definition of “by contractual obligation”, as neither side had any real interest in continuing with the relationship. In kind of a throwback to the 80s, there’s a weird theme of “biggest, strongest, strangest, smallest, etc” like it’s a circus act or something.

Taped from Toronto, ON

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

John Cena v. The Great Khali

Oh, also, that chick Ashley from the Diva Search who got hired because she agreed to pose nude for Playboy, is the ring announcer and she’s pretty much the worst one ever. So this is building up to a match between them at One Night Stand the next night, and I’m like...what? Give away the match on free TV to build up the same thing on PPV? Also, I guess Cena wasn’t the champion at this point? I’m guessing it was Randy Orton, but I wasn’t even checking results at this point and I feel like I woke up in The Cube with no idea what I’m watching or how I got here. Like seriously, I couldn’t even tell you 2 or 3 things that happened in the entirety of 2007 as far as WWE goes, including anything outside of the main event of Wrestlemania. And of course one other thing. Khali throws Cena around and boots him down like he’s Brock Lesnar or something and we get OVERSELLING CENA. Khali chokes him down and pounds away, but Cena gets him up for the FU and Khali elbows out and puts him down with the JUDY CHOP OF DOOM. Thanks, Caleb! Tree slam finishes with one foot at 6:00. Post-match commentary reveals that Cena was in fact the champion and the next night is a title match. So yeah, Khali squashed the shit out of Cena here and apparently this was supposed to make us want to see the rematch. ½*

Arm Wrestling Match: Bobby Lashley v. Vince McMahon

Apparently Vince McMahon was ECW World champion at this point. I ranted on the show where that happened, too, and totally blocked it out of my mind. So Vince doesn’t want to actually face Lashley and calls in a ringer, Mark Henry, and then it quickly turns into a brawl between Henry and Lashley. I don’t feel like I’m properly communicating all the stalling and boredom that this entailed.

Batista & Chris Benoit v. Edge & MVP

This one is more than a little uncomfortable to watch knowing what would happen less than a month afterwards. We pick it up after a break with Benoit throwing chops on MVP and hooking the crossface, but MVP makes the ropes. Over to Edge, who is crazy over as a babyface here, but Benoit chops him down and drops an elbow for two. Batista comes in and pounds away on MVP and follows with a suplex for two, then boots him down for two. Benoit with the rolling germans, but the diving headbutt misses and MVP takes over. They get the heat on Benoit, but he fights off MVP and makes the hot tag to Batista. Big Dave runs wild and a powerslam gets two, which is enough for Edge. He grabs the belt and abandons MVP, and the diving headbutt finishes him at 8:13. It was a match. **

Finlay & Hornswoggle v. The Boogeyman & Little Boogey

So…yeah. This is a thing that happened on national TV. Yes, there was a midget version of the Boogeyman. Boogey had a neat look and weird charisma, but COME ON. As if wrestling wasn’t embarrassing enough as it is. Boogey with a spinebuster on Finlay and the midget Boogey comes in for a buttdrop that gets nothing. Finlay then has to tag out to his own midget because he’s getting too beat up by the first midget, and then just kicks Little Boogey in the face anyway. And then Finlay gets to do midget spots, but just boots Little Boogey for the pin at 3:51 anyway. Also, Candace Michelle was ring announcer for this one, which just ups the embarrassment one more notch. DUD

Extreme Expose dances for us, and I totally forgot about Tessmacher being in WWE. Layla with the curly hair looks totally different and not in a good way. Sadly, they cut to the back for the midget fight and it spills into the ring. For some reason the midget brawl compels the girls to take sides and fight as well. IS THIS SHOW OVER YET?

Kane, Eugene & Doink the Clown v. Kevin Thorn, Umaga, & Viscera

I have no idea who would have been playing the clown, since Dinsmore was usually the guy they used in the role around this time, and he’s pretty small. So there’s like still 12 minutes left in this show, which means this match isn’t gonna be quick. The babyfaces work over Kevin Thorn (the vampire, by the way) and Umaga bulldozes Eugene, who bails to escape Viscera as we take a break. Back with Thorn hitting a flapjack on Eugene for two and Umaga goes to the nerve pinch. Thorn comes in with a chinlock and Umaga tries a pump splash and hits knee. Hot tag Kane. Yay. Kane with the flying clothesline on Thorn for two, and he dodges Viscera and chokeslams him for the pin at 12:40. *

The Pulse

Can we declare this one the worst SNME of all time or do we need to check out the August show first?

80 comments:

  1. John Cena was on fire in 2007.


    And having Khali go over him was a smart move. Their PPV the next night was a gimmick match and it adds further intrigue, especially since Cena had already beaten him at the last PPV. This is the rubber match. Logical booking

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  2. Khali... I just don't get it. They say he is there to help ratings in India. Surely, in all of India, they can find someone healthy enough to actually move around, right? Is there not an old cricket player or soccer player?

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  3. it wasn't needed khali had already been beating him up. Cena was having great matches throughout the year but these sure were not great. Cena had won the first ppv match with khalis foot under the rope so there was no need for this match the gimmick match at Extreme Rules was just settling the controversy

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  4. Evander Holyfield vs Matt Hardy makes the next show automatically > this one.

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  5. Extant1979 - Ghetto SuperstarSeptember 16, 2014 at 12:33 PM

    Wasn't it always a 90-minute show...?

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  6. Both Khali matches I saw were far better than they had any right to be

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  7. Agreed. 2007 is easily Cena's best year.

    The Umaga series, the Michaels series, the Backlash four way, the two decent Khali matches, very good match with Lashley and then the Orton stuff before he got hurt.

    I wonder how long his hot streak could have run if the injury didn't cut him down?

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  8. Who is Kevin Thorn? I didn't really follow at all during this timeframe, but I've at least heard of the Boogeyman (what a stupid gimmick). And Vince was ecw champion? Glad I slept through this period, sounds awful

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  9. He has an abnormal tumor on the pituitary gland and big thighs. Vince loves this combination.

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  10. Go over maybe but he just destroyed Cena. It was really weird.

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  11. Vince as ECW Champion ruled.

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  12. Kevin Thorn was Kevin Fertig, who had also played Mordecai in 2004. Forgettable... but surprisingly enough they were just ahead of the vampire craze with Thorn. And his valet Ariel was smoking hot.

    Vince as ECW Champ was pretty fun... he got all crazy and delusional after having his head shaved and started wearing a doorag and acting all crazy and bad ass even though he needed tons of backup.

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  13. He was a vampire character in ECW. He was completely uninteresting except that he had a valet with big knockers.

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  14. No, the rebooted version started out as a 2 hour prime time show. It didn't get cut back to 90 until NBC stuck it back in the purgatory that is the old SNL slot.

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  15. "Give away the match on free TV to build up the same thing on PPV?"



    They did this last night. And the heel didn't even go over to add intrigue to the rematch.

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  16. He was the guy known as Mordecai in 2004 (05?) who had that one match with Bob Holly and then disappeared back into developmental. He was also known as Seven in OVW for a while and they were really high on him, but obviously his Gangrel Junior act never translated.

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  17. Extant1979 - Ghetto SuperstarSeptember 16, 2014 at 12:45 PM

    His valet - Ariel - made him completely worth keeping around.

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  18. Ahhh yes Little Boogey...see what you guys miss by blowing off smackdown?

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  19. To quote Abeyance....yup.

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  20. Wait till Sim Bhullar bombs out of the NBA...he'll be the new Khali.

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  21. Extant1979 - Ghetto SuperstarSeptember 16, 2014 at 1:00 PM

    No recollection of that at all.

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  22. Scott Keith's bizarre masochist period where he goes straight from writing about 1995 WWF to 2007 WWE.

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  23. The new Giant Gonzalez (El Gigante)?

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  24. 04. The one off match was Scotty 2 Hotty but he might have had one with Holly as well.

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  25. Do-rag Vince was one of the few redeeming facets of post Backlash '07.

    He legitimately is much blacker than Bobby Lashley which made him an awkward candidate to have that feud with.

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  26. Based off of several shoot interviews from guys who have worked with him, the consensus was that everyone hated the guy

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  27. Good god, how did I forget about that.

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  28. What's so weird about that period is that while it helped kill ECWlite deader than dead, it was a ton of fun to watch.


    I wish Vince would come out and make fun of Donald Trump for having two bankrupt casinos in Atlantic City. 2001 Vince would have tried to buy the Revel and call it The McMahon Dick Hotel, and it would cost you $5 to have your pic taken in the Ray Rice Domestic Violence Elevator, and he'd reinstate the no-smoking thing, and random NXT wannabes could tackle you at the blackjack tables if you were on a hot streak, and there'd be body-building everywhere, and Vince Russo would have a job as a janitor, and every Saturday night there'd be Brawl for All, and there'd be a mandatory $9.99 charge to your room to watch the WWE Network, and CM Punk would say, "Fuck this" and take AJ to the Borgata because he's a man.


    And William Regal would be a doorman, and he'd be GLAD to have the job.

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  29. Yeah ECW bottomed out and then got really good again by 2009 until it closed up.

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  30. Pretty sure this is a "whoosh" moment for you.

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  31. He had a ppv match with Holly at the Great American Bash 04 ppv that also saw Undertaker drown Paul Bearer in concrete.

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  32. Damn that worthless piece of garbage Kennedy.

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  33. And then end up as a face against just a week or 2 later for threatening Paul Heyman. OKKKK THEN!!

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  34. This would be the very definition of “by contractual obligation”, as neither side had any real interest in continuing with the relationship.



    That line turns the whole Saturday Night's Main Event reboot into one of Jack Donaghy's failed NBC projects on 30 Rock. I can just picture Doink and Eugene doing their entrance as he yells "Shut it Down"

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  35. Pretty sure this is another " blind apologist" moment for you. Please explain to me how having Reigns go over Rollins clean in a ho-hum match on RAW is any logical way to build to their match at NOC.

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  36. Chris Benoit would have rather died than go to ECW in 07.

    Too soon?

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  37. Pretty sure you missed the joke twice.

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  38. His defense mechanism has a hair trigger, doesn't it?

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  39. The rules of baseball dictates he gets one more swing at the joke.

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  40. He would have rather died than having to wrestle a future petuland child at the next PPV.

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  41. I thought these SNME's were re-rants, hence me thinking that was just a coincidence.

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  42. It's okay you get one more swing.

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  43. *weak pop fly in foul territory*

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  44. ........Kennedy

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  45. It's a constant on here, and not just with him

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  46. Vince was a great ecw champion. Hilarity

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  47. Was that the SS with the tiki torches on the stage, where Rey had that horrible Silver Surfer body paint? I have trouble remembering most PPVs after 2001.

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  48. If John Cena gets squashed and nobody watches, does it count?

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  49. At that point, ECW was already a laughing stock, so the joy was in seeing just how much worse it could get. It really was like WCW in 2000-01.

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  50. Isn't Sonjay Dutt still hanging around somewhere?

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  51. Yes. Had the meh Orton-Cena main event. 2008 was way better.

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  52. Add that to the many reasons while you'll never see him again after TNA folds.

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  53. I agree. Nothing stood out on that show outside of HHH returning in a blah match vs. King Bookah

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  54. It was also the return of Mysterio, those 2 returns were the big selling points.

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  55. Cena was champion. This was during his 380 day reign that didn't end til he had to give it up because he was hurt.

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  56. Neither really delivered though. Just think it was an incredibly boring Summerslam.

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  57. CruelConnectionNumber2September 16, 2014 at 3:14 PM

    Khali cleanly pins Cena and Taker on TV in singles matches in the span of like 40 days.

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  58. Is that why Dustin's Se7en gimmick was aborted so quickly?

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  59. That didn't even stand out. Booker was just squashed in 7 minutes because HHH wasn't well enough to work a full match but they needed a big return for a buyrate.

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  60. For a stale Rey vs. Chavo match. Ughhghhh.

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  61. 2008 was a great Summerslam. If it wasn't top 5 it's near it. Kicking myself for not going since it wasn't that far from home.

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  62. Oh man Great American Bash '04.....they thought Undertaker vs. The Dudleys was appropriate for a PPV main event in 2004 because.... ?

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  63. And the awesome Orton/Cena championship match which is one of the most underrated SummerSlam matches.

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  64. Urgh, Cena's 2006-07 reign is pretty much what turned me into the cynical smark I am today. That was the dawn of SuperCena.

    Though strangely enough, when he came back from the tricep tear he started choking in big matches at Luger-like proportions, before going back to SuperCena after the neck injury.

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  65. The only thing I remember about that show was Scott's headline for the review (though it may have been the 2005 one): "I'm gonna Great American Bash the hell out of this show."

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  66. Adam "Colorado" CurrySeptember 16, 2014 at 4:48 PM

    I want to say he had a couple matches in ROH a few months back, but don't hold me to that.

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  67. which was really unfortunate because that long reign had the potential to really boost the guy that would eventually beat Cena.

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  68. I don't count this nonsense as part of the SNME cannon. Show ended in 1992 for me.

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  69. Yeah, but that was probably gonna be Orton, so....

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  70. That Cena-Khali rematch actually ended up being the best match of his career

    It still had some lame shit and felt uber-choreographed, but it wasent unwatchable by any means

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  71. Without a doubt, she was so damn hot in that get-up

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  72. Oh come on, Cena has had WAY better matches

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  73. Count me in as one that didn't want it to end. I wanted to see how far they would take it.

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  74. One random match and a first round elimination in the world title tournament IIRC

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  75. And now there's one less petulant child in the world...wrestling entertainment.

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