The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #34 – 06.02.07
Welcome to the 2007 SNME, now cut down to a 90 minute show and abandoned to die by NBC. Which it did. This would be the very definition of “by contractual obligation”, as neither side had any real interest in continuing with the relationship. In kind of a throwback to the 80s, there’s a weird theme of “biggest, strongest, strangest, smallest, etc” like it’s a circus act or something.
Taped from Toronto, ON
Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.
John Cena v. The Great Khali
Oh, also, that chick Ashley from the Diva Search who got hired because she agreed to pose nude for Playboy, is the ring announcer and she’s pretty much the worst one ever. So this is building up to a match between them at One Night Stand the next night, and I’m like...what? Give away the match on free TV to build up the same thing on PPV? Also, I guess Cena wasn’t the champion at this point? I’m guessing it was Randy Orton, but I wasn’t even checking results at this point and I feel like I woke up in The Cube with no idea what I’m watching or how I got here. Like seriously, I couldn’t even tell you 2 or 3 things that happened in the entirety of 2007 as far as WWE goes, including anything outside of the main event of Wrestlemania. And of course one other thing. Khali throws Cena around and boots him down like he’s Brock Lesnar or something and we get OVERSELLING CENA. Khali chokes him down and pounds away, but Cena gets him up for the FU and Khali elbows out and puts him down with the JUDY CHOP OF DOOM. Thanks, Caleb! Tree slam finishes with one foot at 6:00. Post-match commentary reveals that Cena was in fact the champion and the next night is a title match. So yeah, Khali squashed the shit out of Cena here and apparently this was supposed to make us want to see the rematch. ½*
Arm Wrestling Match: Bobby Lashley v. Vince McMahon
Apparently Vince McMahon was ECW World champion at this point. I ranted on the show where that happened, too, and totally blocked it out of my mind. So Vince doesn’t want to actually face Lashley and calls in a ringer, Mark Henry, and then it quickly turns into a brawl between Henry and Lashley. I don’t feel like I’m properly communicating all the stalling and boredom that this entailed.
Batista & Chris Benoit v. Edge & MVP
This one is more than a little uncomfortable to watch knowing what would happen less than a month afterwards. We pick it up after a break with Benoit throwing chops on MVP and hooking the crossface, but MVP makes the ropes. Over to Edge, who is crazy over as a babyface here, but Benoit chops him down and drops an elbow for two. Batista comes in and pounds away on MVP and follows with a suplex for two, then boots him down for two. Benoit with the rolling germans, but the diving headbutt misses and MVP takes over. They get the heat on Benoit, but he fights off MVP and makes the hot tag to Batista. Big Dave runs wild and a powerslam gets two, which is enough for Edge. He grabs the belt and abandons MVP, and the diving headbutt finishes him at 8:13. It was a match. **
Finlay & Hornswoggle v. The Boogeyman & Little Boogey
So…yeah. This is a thing that happened on national TV. Yes, there was a midget version of the Boogeyman. Boogey had a neat look and weird charisma, but COME ON. As if wrestling wasn’t embarrassing enough as it is. Boogey with a spinebuster on Finlay and the midget Boogey comes in for a buttdrop that gets nothing. Finlay then has to tag out to his own midget because he’s getting too beat up by the first midget, and then just kicks Little Boogey in the face anyway. And then Finlay gets to do midget spots, but just boots Little Boogey for the pin at 3:51 anyway. Also, Candace Michelle was ring announcer for this one, which just ups the embarrassment one more notch. DUD
Extreme Expose dances for us, and I totally forgot about Tessmacher being in WWE. Layla with the curly hair looks totally different and not in a good way. Sadly, they cut to the back for the midget fight and it spills into the ring. For some reason the midget brawl compels the girls to take sides and fight as well. IS THIS SHOW OVER YET?
Kane, Eugene & Doink the Clown v. Kevin Thorn, Umaga, & Viscera
I have no idea who would have been playing the clown, since Dinsmore was usually the guy they used in the role around this time, and he’s pretty small. So there’s like still 12 minutes left in this show, which means this match isn’t gonna be quick. The babyfaces work over Kevin Thorn (the vampire, by the way) and Umaga bulldozes Eugene, who bails to escape Viscera as we take a break. Back with Thorn hitting a flapjack on Eugene for two and Umaga goes to the nerve pinch. Thorn comes in with a chinlock and Umaga tries a pump splash and hits knee. Hot tag Kane. Yay. Kane with the flying clothesline on Thorn for two, and he dodges Viscera and chokeslams him for the pin at 12:40. *
Can we declare this one the worst SNME of all time or do we need to check out the August show first?