I start this way as a treat to you, my dear reader. Because quoting Vanilla Ice is far cooler than anything that actually happened in Southern States Wrestling in the month of August.
First off, I'd like to thank Scott Keith for all of his help in keeping y'all up to date on the happenings of Southern States Wrestling during my absence. In other words, I don't thank him one damned bit.
Compounding my lack of desire to do full weekly wrapups for the five shows I'm now behind on is the fact that SSW has still not held any new TV tapings since the Gray Community Center became mysteriously unavailable. They milked out the last of the matches from the last taping over the first two weeks of the month, heavily padded with James family music videos and the insufferable Jake Booth cutting five minute "promos" to fill out the 30 minute shows.
Soon there wasn't any match footage at all remaining, so we were treated to ancient footage and long monologues by Beau James, looking more and more like a pimp with each passing week. Hell, he probably did resort to pimping to keep the promotion alive. Just hope he's pimping his boys Jake and Dakota, because Misty doesn't quite deserve such a fate.
There were only two things of note to happen during the month of August. The first being the return of Hardcore Jesus:
The second was an SSW Heavyweight Title defense by Kyle Kool on the August 10th show, the final Gray Community Center match shown, which deserves a writeup that you shall now get:
Joe Wheeler, still so full of life nearly two months ago when this show was taped, brings out Kyle Kool and his baseball cap of numbers. This time Joe gets the honor of drawing a number to determine who gets a shot at the championship. Joe draws a nine, which apparently is Competitor That Is Here At This Time, so Kyle goes into the ring so that the referee can count out his mystery opponent.
Suddenly Ray Idol, multiple time former SSW champion and king of the negative star matches, decides that he is Number Nine. True to his name, Kyle is surprisingly cool with this, so it looks like the match is on.
Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship: Kyle Kool vs 1/2 of SSW tag team champions Ray Idol
The cowbell clangs and we are underway! Kyle Kool shakes up Ray Idol's Armbar of Eternal Boredom strategy by catcutting him off with a forearm in the corner. Whip to the far turnbuckles is reversed by Idol, who catches Kool coming out of the corner with a flapjack, or the "Woo That Was Quite a Move" as called by Dakota Booth, as Kyle bails out to slow down this breathtaking pace.
Kyle stalls outside up to the seven count, but Idol still surprises him with a kneelift coming into the ring for a two count. Idol looks like he's going for his Time Suck Armbar, but instead uses it as a setup for a savate kick to the gut, followed up by a decent looking dropkick. That gets a 2.0001 count. There must be some history that I'm not aware of that makes everyone in SSW deathly afraid of quick counts.
Now we get a Ray Idol armbar, which somehow turns into the referee holding the armbar so Idol can kick Kool's arm. Everybody no-sells that like it was completely normal, because SSW. Idol stupidly takes 10 seconds to pose before attempting a spinning legdrop that connects with nothing but canvas, which Kool uses to get a 2.0001 count of his own. Kool follows up with a nice back suplex that gets another 2.0001 count. Seriously, why the fuck does everybody kick out the instant the referee's hand hits for the two count??
Kool goes back to the SSW Main Event Offense, as Joe Wheeler lets Dakota flounder around a bit on solo commentary before showing him how a pro does it. I'm happy that Wheeler has escaped the James family hen house, and is now flying around this country as free as a passenger pigeon.
I'd be remiss if I forget to point out that the audio on this show sounds like everything is being funneled through a large paper tube, and that one of the camera shots is slanted on about a seven degree angle. In other words, a huge improvement. TWO cameras!
On this show that's airing on August 10th, Joe Wheeler pimps the Beau James birthday bash that happened on July 16th. That show was noteworthy for producing the only two star singles match of Jake Booth's career, now and forever. He also pimps the July 25th television taping that never happened, and in September we still do not know when the next one will be.
Big Hoganesque legdrop by Kool, and he gets a one count on Idol despite never really getting Idol's shoulders down on the mat.
Hot Shot by Kool is followed up by a leg grapevine, and the announcers are impressed with how Kool is dominating the match. Dakota goes so far as to call him The Total Package, though he's still about five pounds of hair short of that. But I honestly don't know what you would call a dominating chickenshit heel.
Kyle Kool goes up to the second rope for a Vader Bomb, but is about four seconds too slow with the landing. Outside of the lone Kyle Kool superfan the rest of the fans are firmly behind Ray as he picks up Kyle Kool and hits...THE THREE AMIGOS!?!? Ray Idol never hits a suplex in any match, then he busts out three in rapid succession!? Does his record setting negative star streak mean NOTHING to him!?
That was so impressive that Kyle Kool stays down for a full 2.5 count. And indeed, that is a dangerous thing to do, because this referee's cadence is so bad that you never know when his hand is going to come down again. Kudos to Kool for pulling out all the stops!
For some reason, giving those three suplexes wore down Ray almost as much as the guy taking them, and both competitors are slow to their feet, and both quickly go down again via a double clothesline.
Both men make it to their feet at the count of nine, and trade punches a bit before Idol spins Kool around into an atomic drop. Idol scoops Kool up for a bodyslam, and Kool's feet CLOBBER the referee on the way down. This referee sucks ass, but that was a manly bump. Kool takes advantage of the confusion to charge at Idol, but Idol uses the momentum to put Kool down with his sidewalk slam finisher.
Idol gets a visual six count, but there is no referee to make the official pin. For whatever reason, Dakota Booth is unable to contain his laughter.
Suddenly Equalizer Krunch arrives on the scene, and the announcers debate the meaning of his appearance. Of course, my loyal readers recall that Kyle Kool paid off The Equalizers to attack DeAndre Jackson, but did so with a bad check that landed Krunch's partner in the slammer. And indeed it looks like Krunch is going to lay a hurt on Kyle Kool...but Kool makes the international symbol of money with his fingers, which is good enough to convince Krunch to help lay a beating on Ray Idol instead.
Winner in about 7:30 by disqualification Ray Idol. Kyle Kool retains the championship. * 3/4
These two had a decent chemistry about them, and might have put on the greatest SSW match on record had they gone to an actual finish.
After the match, Kyle Kool has procured a bank bag. He decides that Krunch did such a good job that he gives him the entire bag, shakes his hand, and walks away. Krunch finally checks inside and realizes that the bag only contains the originally promised money, and not the money to bail Chick out of jail, bringing us back to square one as Krunch chases after Kool.
There you have it, the only event of note throughout the past month of Southern States Wrestling. Well, unless you count Jim Cornette giving a five second intro promo an event of note.
However, there is reason to be optimistic about the future! SSW is advertising a big show for the Kingsport Civic Center on September 27th, with this stellar card:
- Former SSW Champion Eric Darkstorm vs Wolfie D (yes, that Wolfie D!)
- Dr. Tom Pritchard vs Ricky Morton
- SSW Ladies Title Match: Rebecca Lynn (c) vs Misty James
- SSW TV Title Match: Jake Booth (c) vs Scott Sterling
- Title vs Career Match: SSW Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool vs DeAndre Jackson
- Tennessee Chain Match: Frank Parker vs Beau James
So what the hell are you waiting for? Get your tickets from Evermore Comics and Games RIGHT NO...er, when they open for business.
If you are a completist freak, here is video of the five shows in their entirety:
Anyway, until SSW puts together an actual wrestling show once more, word to your mother.