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WCW Prime: September 9, 1996

As the nWo continues to expand like Joey Chestnut’s stomach on the 4th of July, at least there is consistency in our lives. Knowing that Johnny B Badd, who is weeks away from winning the WWF Intercontinental Title, is still able to blow me a kiss every week during the opening of WCW Prime is enough to keep my heart a flutter and maintain a steady pace of churning out the recaps.

Oh WCW Prime – what will I do when you meet your untimely demise next month? Where will the jobberist jobbers go? What of Todd Morton, The Gambler, and Buddy Valentine? Will we ever find out the final chapter of Super Giant Ninja? Will fans be allowed to bid on eBay for the chance to push the plunger that detonates Chris Cruise, or is that not happening because eBay is still in its infancy and we haven’t truly embraced it yet?

So many questions. So many squashes.


CHRIS CRUISE and DUSTY RHODES have taken the happy pills, because they can’t scream about Fall Brawl loud enough! Dusty talks about the Giant having a tongue the length of the Nile, which I don’t understand, but we’ll add to the chalkboard as another reason I’ll miss this show.

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. BILLY KIDMAN

What the heck is this semi-competitive nonsense doing on my show? I realize Vegas has Chavo listed as a 17-1 favorite, but that’s simply far too close for this show. They have a test of strength because nothing smells like Cruiserweights more than watching guys with arms like Gumby try and prove which one is more man than the other. Kidman hits a dropkick, and then ducks a blind charge which sends Chavo crashing to the floor. Kidman quickly rolls him in, hits a slingshot guillotine, but it’s only 2. Kidman laughable tries a pin off a scoop slam because apparently he thinks it’s 1917, and then moves to an armbar. Kidman nails a victory roll, but Chavo wriggles loose. Chavo then gets one of his own out of nowhere, and scores the pin at 5:42. If it’s taking 6 minutes AND a fluke finish to beat Kidman, Chavo hasn’t got a hope in hell at Fall Brawl against DDP. **

I usually ignore the commercials, but the GNC Pro Performance 2200 is one of the least responsible things I’ve seen that aired during My Era. We all know about the cigarette ads and sexist commercials from the 50’s and 60’s, but let me take you through this (since I can’t find it on YouTube). Some scrawny pimply faced teenager is unable to get girls, because all he dines on is fast food chalk full of fat and cholesterol. The answer? GNC Pro Performance 2200, with 2200 calories per glass. Not only is it chalked full of creatine and vitamins, but you’ll grow to be about 6’6” with hulking muscles and a beautiful head of hair. It boggles my mind that this stuff was green-lit when we all should have known better, but then again we’re talking about a time when Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs and it all made sense.

RON THE LEPRECHAUN vs. CHAD BROCK

Braun is all over the bloody place, with absolutely no ebb or flow because he’s CRAZY you see. He sadly doesn’t resort to cannibalism during the match, and even works in a semi tree-of-woe submission thing. A top rope kneedrop gets the win at 1:40. THEN he resorts to cannibalism, and eats Chad Brock. He even gets a chunk out of NICK PATRICK, who isn’t sporting a mustache, so either he shaved or this has been sitting in the can since August. Of 1994. DUD

DISCO INFERNO vs. JOHNNY BOONE

DAVE PENZER is a good sport and shows off the gold record to everyone in attendance. Yes, all 6 fans get a good strong look. Had their paid for the premium package, they would have been able to touch it, AND get their ticket stubs signed by the legendary RANDY ELLER (who is also our referee!). Disco hotshots future referee Boone, and stops to dance. He points out his hair hasn’t moved an inch, always important. Chartbuster finishes at 3:04. A lot of Disco’s initial charm has worn off at this point, largely because he hasn’t had an angle since, what, stealing the Colonel’s champagne in February? DUD

“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. STEVE STORM

Dusty talks about the importance of Sting’s role on Team WCW, proving he does not watching Nitro, or talk to anyone who isn’t interested in discussing Dusty Rhodes. It’s the usual 80’s cartoon from Duggan here, with plenty of exaggerated stomping and screaming of USA. Duggan missed a blind charge and slams his face against the buckle, but with no brain cells to damage, he is right back on his feet and throwing headbutts. 3 point stance finishes at 2:59. Duggan then wraps his fist and clocks Strong for the hell of it. Unbelievably this is one of the best matches of the night. 1/2*

THE FACES OF FEAR (with Jimmy Hart) vs. THE NASTY BOYS (in the Prime Cuts Moo Match of the Week)

There is a PILE of time left in this show, and I’m really concerned it’s going to be for naught since I can’t see either one of these teams jobbing on a WCW J-show. Dusty’s looking for clubberin’ here, and I think he just might be rewarded. Lo and behold, Meng and Knobbs let the fists fly at a rapid pace, but Dusty declares it’s not clubberin’ because all 4 fists were hitting opposite heads. The Nastys then show off a little Super Clubberin, by teeing off on Meng’s cranium. He no sells, which I will forever love him for. Saggs attacks the groin, which might be the only way to get any kind of reaction for Meng, and he’s obviously in pain because he stares blankly and stands right up. Hart gets the guys to regroup, giving clear (and racist) instructions of, and I quote, “Ooka manga! Ooka managa!” The Barbarian goes in to get him some, and get him some he does, on the receiving end of a clothesline/chop block combo. Knobbs hits a big splash, and starts working on Barbarian’s leg. I assume a smart wrestler would be trying to neutralize the Kick of Fear, but we’re talking about someone who’s trying to make hay against a team that hangs out with RON THE LEPRECHAUN who is running around ringside again. If Dusty Rhodes were able to achieve orgasm (let’s all assume he can’t for the sake of our collective imaginations), this match would undoubtedly be on his favorites list as required viewing. Meng starts paintbrushing Saggs’ face, but with a little more oomph than your usual insult, and he hits a spike piledriver for 2. Saggs is sent face first into the ringpost, and left for dead. The Fear hit a double headbutt, Meng hits a scoop slam, but he misses an elbowdrop and he makes the big tag to Knobbs. Slams for you, slams for me, slams for Meng, and family. Duelling avalanche splashes hit Meng, but Hart makes noise and Knobbs attachs. Meng dumps him, and it’s an over the top rope DQ at 9:39. The Faces of Fear hit the double swandive headbutt off the top on Saggs because they’re pricks, and I’m now at a point where I don’t want to see these guys job another match until roughly 2014. **


Cruise makes a final pitch to buy Fall Brawl, and he might be the only person in the company who makes me NOT want to see the show after the absolutely flawless build-up to WarGames. Dusty declares Bah Humbug on the nWo, and we is out.

Comments

  1. The modern nature of RAW & SmackDown made these SNME shows utterly pointless- why would you want to watch the exact same kind of Star (vs) Star matches on ANOTHER show?

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  2. This show was so bad that my local NBC affiliate didn't even air it! They showed Four Weddings and a Funeral instead. I was actually really pissed off about it.

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  3. Carlito was actually doing pretty well as a babyface and the whole deal with his friendship with Trish was actually starting to get him over.


    Then Orton squashed him at the September PPV and just like that, it was over and Carlito was never taken seriously again.

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  4. Good point about the stupidity of Vince using The Spirit Squad to be his cronies.
    Like shouldn't Vince have recruited the biggest badasses on the roster to beat up DX?

    Vince should have gotten Undertaker, Bobby Lashley, Umaga, Finlay, Kurt Angle etc. lined up to take on DX. To this day, they have never explained why Vince would pick five male cheerleaders to be his hired muscle.

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  5. In hindsight, Four Weddngs And A Funeral was a better choice.
    I remember a FOX affiliate from where I lived at the time refused to carry Temptation Island because the station thought it was a terrible show (Which says something considering all of the awful FOX programming they were willing to air). They aired Seinfeld reruns in that time slot instead which was definitely an improvement.

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  6. Easy answer for Undertaker, Lashley and Angle. They were babyfaces and thus would never help Vince and in Angle's case, he was basically gone by the time that started. They did the angle at Summerslam where damn near every heel on the roster came out and attacked DX. But you're right, either build those guys stronger or pick someone else than male cheerleaders.

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  7. They could have always defended the babyfaces attacking DX with the rationalization that money is more important than allegiances.


    If anything, the audience would have sympathized with those guys even more (especially Lashley) plus you could have done the dynamic that was already done in 2005 where those guys would be heels on RAW but remained faces on Smackdown.


    It also would have been more interesting for Smackdown than Batista cutting a promo every single freaking week that always started with "I want another shot at the World Heavyweight Championship".

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  8. Only ** for Lita's boobs? Are you mad?

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  9. Well there's sort of a precedent for that, Dibiase always threw Virgil into matches against his rivals, and Vince often used the Big Bossman, Brisco and Patterson. He eventually recruited the Big Show to deal with them.

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  10. Is there a gimmick more stupid than male cheerleaders? Nothing screams "gay" more than this, but not in a good way. They could have made a male ballett dancer gimmick with a pink dress and it wouldn't haven been more stupid than the spirit squad.

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  11. Red rooster. Bastion booger. Gobbledygooker. Harvina wippleman. Saba simba.

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  12. Still not male cheerleaders. ;-)

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  13. Well keep in mind that it was SUPPOSED to be over the top stupid.

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  14. And Shredder used Bebop and Rocksteady for years. Vince was a cartoonish evil villain, so he needed inept oafs to do his dirty work.

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  15. I don't like the username you are using. I will either call you Gregory or Garrison from now on.

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  16. Precisely. I have said that for years. Back in the 80's, you had 3 choices. One of the 3-4 yearly PPVs, your local house show, or SNME.

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  17. But why? It's like damage your own product on purpose!

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  18. Um no... DX was just newly reformed, and this was a harmless way to re-introduce them, without hurting established guys right off the bat. So let the squash some rookies that can easily be repackaged, while giving those rookies some big stage experience. It was really not a big deal.

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  19. Still worse gimmicks than a cheerleader. That's what you asked for that's what you get.

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  20. Ummm... Is this like the movie "Office Space" where that guy just doesn't get that he was fired/cut??

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  21. The Ghost Of Meekin's MoobsSeptember 15, 2014 at 6:27 AM

    If the Doc only posts on a Monday morning then I can live with that. At least Meekin is finally gone.

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  22. The 411 forum thought the Orton-Hogan stuff was the greatest. My reaction was the same as Scott's. Brooke was a bigger moron than Sting.

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  23. It's a shame that today's kids will never know the joy of trading seventh generation VHS tapes to get a glimpse of such exotic wrestling.

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  24. Do we have confirmation of who all is gone?

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  25. OfficerFarva is the only confirmed name.

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  26. Yeah, that's -***** right there

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  27. Lita's 2006 boobs though...

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  28. Mimbo male cheerleaders are easier to control and reason with than guys like Taker, Lashley, Umaga, Finlay, Angle, etc.

    At least, that's the only explanation I can think of.

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  29. I like Dock's shit in small doses. We need Puro to hold onto our valuable Brazilian demographic.

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  30. Is Meekin gone? Or just lurking... And eating.

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  31. "I will now list the cuts, in alphabetical order........ Muraco, Dock............................ That is all."

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  32. You know how thin WWE's main even scene is? In the last few years we've seen CM Punk, Edge, Del Rio, and Mysterio all disappear for various reasons, and I can't thick of a single person that has been elevated to replace them except for Bryan.

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  33. Scott Keith <3's Lita

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  34. Scott posted something in the Evening Thread last night... (I thought it was somewhere else originally):

    Scott Keith BoD Mod cultstatus • 7 hours ago

    Meekin, the Masked Reviewer, Darren X, Dan Selby (who hasn't posted for months anyway), Rick Poehling, and Rock Star Gary. Everyone else either adheres to a schedule or adds something different (like the Total Divas and comic book columns) or is awesome like Chris Fothergill-Brown.

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  35. Maybe he is in the denial stage?

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  36. Better list of cuts, IMO:


    Baker, Jesse
    Edwards, John
    Jordan, Vince
    Numbers, Dougie
    Stennick, Steve


    That would improve the post quality on here by... at least 15%. But I'm just spitballing numbers here.

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  37. You made the same mistake I did and misread. He wrote CUTS

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  38. I must fall under the "awesome" clause.

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  39. Coca-Cola is bringing back Surge. If only WCW was still around to endlessly promote it:
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/sapna/coca-cola-is-bringing-surge-back?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#415wuip

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  40. No, I read it perfectly. Just because some writers got cut doesn't mean the commentariat could use a similar culling.

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  41. All three Shield guys.

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  42. You're right. I guess I didn't think of them because none of them held the belt, but really only seven guys have held the belt since mid 2011 (Punk, Rock, Cena, Del Rio, Orton, Bryan, Brock) so that's not really fair. Good catch.

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  43. Well, Scott seems to know who you are. So it's either that, or he got bored by the R's.

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  44. Someone doesn't enjoy opinions that differ from his own! Maybe you should join the forums. None of us (or anyone else really) would be caught dead there.

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  45. Eating is always a safe bet. The only man that does DDP yoga with a burger in each hand

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  46. "I’m guessing Summerslam bombed that year."

    SummerSlam 2006 is the SummerSlam with the second most buys (541k) in the last dozen years. The only one that beat it was 2005 (650k buys), which was headlined by Hogan/Michaels. It did pretty damn good considering most of 2006 B-show PPVs did about half that.

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  47. Yep, this forum would be 100% better if there was 1 opinion, followed by 15 replies 100% agreeing with them, with zero counter points. *yyaawwnnn...*

    ReplyDelete

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