As the nWo continues to expand like Joey Chestnut’s stomach on the 4th of July, at least there is consistency in our lives. Knowing that Johnny B Badd, who is weeks away from winning the WWF Intercontinental Title, is still able to blow me a kiss every week during the opening of WCW Prime is enough to keep my heart a flutter and maintain a steady pace of churning out the recaps.
Oh WCW Prime – what will I do when you meet your untimely demise next month? Where will the jobberist jobbers go? What of Todd Morton, The Gambler, and Buddy Valentine? Will we ever find out the final chapter of Super Giant Ninja? Will fans be allowed to bid on eBay for the chance to push the plunger that detonates Chris Cruise, or is that not happening because eBay is still in its infancy and we haven’t truly embraced it yet?
So many questions. So many squashes.
CHRIS CRUISE and DUSTY RHODES have taken the happy pills, because they can’t scream about Fall Brawl loud enough! Dusty talks about the Giant having a tongue the length of the Nile, which I don’t understand, but we’ll add to the chalkboard as another reason I’ll miss this show.
CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. BILLY KIDMAN
What the heck is this semi-competitive nonsense doing on my show? I realize Vegas has Chavo listed as a 17-1 favorite, but that’s simply far too close for this show. They have a test of strength because nothing smells like Cruiserweights more than watching guys with arms like Gumby try and prove which one is more man than the other. Kidman hits a dropkick, and then ducks a blind charge which sends Chavo crashing to the floor. Kidman quickly rolls him in, hits a slingshot guillotine, but it’s only 2. Kidman laughable tries a pin off a scoop slam because apparently he thinks it’s 1917, and then moves to an armbar. Kidman nails a victory roll, but Chavo wriggles loose. Chavo then gets one of his own out of nowhere, and scores the pin at 5:42. If it’s taking 6 minutes AND a fluke finish to beat Kidman, Chavo hasn’t got a hope in hell at Fall Brawl against DDP. **
I usually ignore the commercials, but the GNC Pro Performance 2200 is one of the least responsible things I’ve seen that aired during My Era. We all know about the cigarette ads and sexist commercials from the 50’s and 60’s, but let me take you through this (since I can’t find it on YouTube). Some scrawny pimply faced teenager is unable to get girls, because all he dines on is fast food chalk full of fat and cholesterol. The answer? GNC Pro Performance 2200, with 2200 calories per glass. Not only is it chalked full of creatine and vitamins, but you’ll grow to be about 6’6” with hulking muscles and a beautiful head of hair. It boggles my mind that this stuff was green-lit when we all should have known better, but then again we’re talking about a time when Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs and it all made sense.
RON THE LEPRECHAUN vs. CHAD BROCK
Braun is all over the bloody place, with absolutely no ebb or flow because he’s CRAZY you see. He sadly doesn’t resort to cannibalism during the match, and even works in a semi tree-of-woe submission thing. A top rope kneedrop gets the win at 1:40. THEN he resorts to cannibalism, and eats Chad Brock. He even gets a chunk out of NICK PATRICK, who isn’t sporting a mustache, so either he shaved or this has been sitting in the can since August. Of 1994. DUD
DISCO INFERNO vs. JOHNNY BOONE
DAVE PENZER is a good sport and shows off the gold record to everyone in attendance. Yes, all 6 fans get a good strong look. Had their paid for the premium package, they would have been able to touch it, AND get their ticket stubs signed by the legendary RANDY ELLER (who is also our referee!). Disco hotshots future referee Boone, and stops to dance. He points out his hair hasn’t moved an inch, always important. Chartbuster finishes at 3:04. A lot of Disco’s initial charm has worn off at this point, largely because he hasn’t had an angle since, what, stealing the Colonel’s champagne in February? DUD
“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. STEVE STORM
Dusty talks about the importance of Sting’s role on Team WCW, proving he does not watching Nitro, or talk to anyone who isn’t interested in discussing Dusty Rhodes. It’s the usual 80’s cartoon from Duggan here, with plenty of exaggerated stomping and screaming of USA. Duggan missed a blind charge and slams his face against the buckle, but with no brain cells to damage, he is right back on his feet and throwing headbutts. 3 point stance finishes at 2:59. Duggan then wraps his fist and clocks Strong for the hell of it. Unbelievably this is one of the best matches of the night. 1/2*
THE FACES OF FEAR (with Jimmy Hart) vs. THE NASTY BOYS (in the Prime Cuts Moo Match of the Week)
There is a PILE of time left in this show, and I’m really concerned it’s going to be for naught since I can’t see either one of these teams jobbing on a WCW J-show. Dusty’s looking for clubberin’ here, and I think he just might be rewarded. Lo and behold, Meng and Knobbs let the fists fly at a rapid pace, but Dusty declares it’s not clubberin’ because all 4 fists were hitting opposite heads. The Nastys then show off a little Super Clubberin, by teeing off on Meng’s cranium. He no sells, which I will forever love him for. Saggs attacks the groin, which might be the only way to get any kind of reaction for Meng, and he’s obviously in pain because he stares blankly and stands right up. Hart gets the guys to regroup, giving clear (and racist) instructions of, and I quote, “Ooka manga! Ooka managa!” The Barbarian goes in to get him some, and get him some he does, on the receiving end of a clothesline/chop block combo. Knobbs hits a big splash, and starts working on Barbarian’s leg. I assume a smart wrestler would be trying to neutralize the Kick of Fear, but we’re talking about someone who’s trying to make hay against a team that hangs out with RON THE LEPRECHAUN who is running around ringside again. If Dusty Rhodes were able to achieve orgasm (let’s all assume he can’t for the sake of our collective imaginations), this match would undoubtedly be on his favorites list as required viewing. Meng starts paintbrushing Saggs’ face, but with a little more oomph than your usual insult, and he hits a spike piledriver for 2. Saggs is sent face first into the ringpost, and left for dead. The Fear hit a double headbutt, Meng hits a scoop slam, but he misses an elbowdrop and he makes the big tag to Knobbs. Slams for you, slams for me, slams for Meng, and family. Duelling avalanche splashes hit Meng, but Hart makes noise and Knobbs attachs. Meng dumps him, and it’s an over the top rope DQ at 9:39. The Faces of Fear hit the double swandive headbutt off the top on Saggs because they’re pricks, and I’m now at a point where I don’t want to see these guys job another match until roughly 2014. **
Cruise makes a final pitch to buy Fall Brawl, and he might be the only person in the company who makes me NOT want to see the show after the absolutely flawless build-up to WarGames. Dusty declares Bah Humbug on the nWo, and we is out.