In the words of The Guess Who (who I once thought was the actual Who because I'm a total and complete idiot -- true story): "I got, got, got, got no time..."
So much going on and so much writing and work and life and playoffs that I've been swamped. My apologies for posting so late.
Next time, I will ask a colleague to do this thing for me.
Let's get going.
We are LIVE(!) from Birmingham, Alabama!
Michael Cole and Byron Saxton are the guys on the mics.
The Miz starts us off as we get clips of his countout victory over Sheamus on RAW. The Miz will now face Sheamus at Hell in a Cell for the United States Championship.
Miz says everyone saw him beat Sheamus on RAW -- yet, here he stands with no gold around his waist. He's been "snubbed". He's gonna invite Sheamus out right now...and it's Sandow who is Miz-dow who is dressed as Sheamus. Miz-ception! He has white tights on to simulate the shade of his skin and pounds his chest hard and then rubs his chest, which is in pain.
Miz-dow says he came to declare peace. He says he usually loves to fight. He says that Miz owns him each time they step into the ring. It's bad enough that Miz is better looking and more talented in every single way, he is here to say that Miz is better in the ring than he is. He sings a goofy version of Sheamus's song which ends with "Miz is better than me" -- just like Miz is better than everyone in WWE Universe. He wants to come out to publicly hand Miz the United States title (which is a smaller toy version). He does...so the real Sheamus hits the ring.
Sheamus holds up the real belt and says, "Mine is bigger than yours..." Miz-dow imitates Sheamus the entire time. Sheamus says he expects this kind of thing from Miz.
Miz says he's beaten Sheamus twice. Plus he's an "A-List Movie Star", so it really doesn't matter what Sheamus thinks. Sheamus laughs, in a seemingly genuine manner, because of Miz-dow's imitation. He says that Miz-dow is hilarious and that's great. He says he's "funny", too. But a different funny. He clotheslines Miz-dow and says, "That's called 'slapstick'!" Miz leaves. Sheamus tells Miz that he's a coward for letting Miz-dow take the bullet again. He says he has a new project for Miz: a musical called, "Ain't That a Kick in the Head". Then he Brogue Kicks Miz-dow into next week.
- A look at Cena and Ambrose and their upcoming matches at Hell in a Cell
- Big E is being taken out of mothballs so he can
job toface Rusev.
WWE 2K15 has a shitty hip-hop soundtrack. For those who think I'm being too snarky and are about to flame me in the comments, there's a fucking duet with John Cena and Wiz Khalifa. Yeah, I thought you wouldn't care. None of us asked for that.
Tyson's out for a match -- and good lord, they're letting him do mic work now. He says that "cats and facts don't lie to you". FACT: He's married to Natalya. From time to time, she tries to handle his affairs...but HE wears the pants in the family. Nattie obediently nods. Wow. We've come to this, have we?
MATCH #1: Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) vs. R-Truth
Truth hits a shoulderblock to start. Tyson leap frogs nothing as Truth backs off an Irish Whip. Then Tyson yells at Nattie and Nattie smiles and nods like a Stepford Wife. Tyson kicks Truth in the corner and chokes him. He hangs Truth in the Tree of Woe and chokes Truth again. Then yells at Nattie some more. He kicks Truth in the chest and slingshots his head into the lower buckle, getting two. Snapmare by Tyson and a two count. Headlock by Tyson and Truth counters with a side suplex. Both men get to their feet. Truth tries to rally but Tyson grabs his legs for the Sharpshooter. Truth pushes him away and Tyson nearly flies into Nattie. He yells at her, which just makes him look so awesome. Truth grabs him and hits a DDT for the win at 3:36.
WINNER: R-Truth via DDT
TONIGHT: Big E vs. Rusev
We get a trailer for Hell in a Cell. Somebody was hip enough to use the font from the original Evil Dead, so that's cool.
MATCH #2: Cesaro vs. Justin Gabriel
Holy shit. Gabriel? Where did he come from? A bunch of wristlock reversals and leglock reversals. Crowd is dead. More reversals and counters. This doesn't help. Finally, Cersaro elbows Gabriel in the corner, then runs his head into the opposite corner. Gabriel comes back, slapping Cesaro in the chest and hitting a nice Hurricarana. Snapmare by Gabriel and a pin for a one-count. Cesaro finally gets a hold of Gabriel and drops his head into the buckle. Cesaro hits a short-arm clothesline for two. Cesaro puts him into a headlock. Gabriel escapes and Cesaro hits a Back Drop off an Irish Whip. He kicks at Gabriel and then just kinda slugs at him in the corner. Cesaro yanks him into the middle of the ring by his legs, getting two. Another headlock and Gabriel hits a chinbreaker to counter and splashes Cesaro in the corner. Gabriel hits a Scorpion Deathdrop after a series of counters and gets two. Cesaro slings Gabriel into the corner but Gabriel evades and tries a Moonsault, missing by a mile. Cesaro hits the Neutralizer for the win.
WINNER: Cesaro via Neutralizer
RATING: **. Not too bad. Like watching a dude trying to chase a cat on cocaine at times, but awesome.
NEXT: Cole will "explain" Cena and Ambrose.
We get a commercial for Total Divas.
Cole explains Cena and Ambrose and RAW.
NEXT MONDAY ON RAW: Cena and Ambrose face Kane, Orton and Rollins in a Handicap Street Fight.
Rusev's out for his match. But first, commercials for $9.99!
AD FOR "SEE NO EVIL 2", STARRING KANE. JUST...STOP.
Lana starts in on the mic. She's so frazzled, she loses the ability to properly say, "Shu-Tup" correctly. She reminds us of Rusev's victory over Big Show. She says that the East coast is the head of this country, the West is the tail and the unshaven armpit is Alabama. He says that Show is the anus. He says he talks like an anus and speaks like an anus. Uh...
Big E interrupts.
MATCH #3: Rusev vs. Big E
First two lock-ups go nowhere. Collision ends the same. Then the two brawl. Rusev headbutts E after hitting some nice body shots. He runs at E but E catches him and puts him to the mat for a one-count. Rusev ditches the ring to take a breather. Once back in, he kicks at E, kneeing him in the gut. He puts E in the corner but E reverses an Irish Whip and Rusev takes a pair of Battering Rams in two corners. E ditches the ring again. E follows this time and starts punching at E. Rusev retaliates and puts E into the crowd barrier, then hits a nice Fallaway Slam. He rolls back into the ring. We go to break.
Rusev has a headlock on E when we come back. E gets to his feet but Rusev knees him in the gut. Rusev hits a modified clutch. E gets to his feet again and punches Rusev in the gut. Rusev kicks back and tries a suplex. E blocks it and reverses it. E rushes at Rusev in the corner but Rusev sidesteps. E puts Rusev in yet another front facelock, then goes to the back. E fights back up again and punches at Rusev. Rusev pushes him into the corner and hits two Battering Rams. He rushes at E but E counters with a Belly to Belly Suplex.
Ref counts both men. They get to their feet. Rusev kicks at E. They exchange shots. Rusev rushes E. E ducks and tries a Belly to Belly. Rusev blocks but ends up in another Belly to Belly anyhow off a rush. Two count. E puts Rusev in the corner. Another Battering Ram. Rusev kicks E in the stomach and rushes at E again. E catches him and hits a Spinebuster, getting two. E puts Rusev into the center of the ring and goes for the Warrior Splash but Rusev gets up and hits the Superkick. He calls for the Accolade and E taps because E just HAS! NO! CHOICE! 11:53 was the time of the match.
RATING: **. At least it was decent.
Celebration, Russian flag, blah blah blah...done.
OVERALL: **. Not too bad tonight.
Er, that's it.
Thomas Hall has the NXT and Smackdown recaps to take you through the rest of the week. Scott Keith and Brian Bayless have some retro shows. Andy PG will have the RAW Report to start your week off right. I will be back next week, same BoD Time, same BoD Channel.
Thank you to all the BoD'ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/