Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
October 11th, 2014
Welcome everyone to the biggest show in the history of the Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour!
Dakota Booth stands in front of the Leaning Sign of Kingsport to introduce the two big title matches tonight. Misty James will get her final shot at Rebecca Lynn and her SSW Ladies Championship, in which the title can change hands on a countout or disqualification. And D'Andre Jackson must make good on his rematch with Kyle Kool for the SSW Heavyweight Championship, or else he will be forced to leave SSW!
But before any of that...Southern States Wrestling's next TV taping will take place at the Gray Community Center on October 18th! Unless it doesn't. $7 and $3 tickets. That's up from free...the economy is back, baby!
And now, Misty's last chance to retain her Southern States Title!
(Retain!? Goddamnit Dakota...)
SSW Ladies Championship: Rebecca Lynn(c) vs Misty James
Did Tommy Young have any kids? Because just 10 seconds into the match, when Misty goes for a pin, this new referee does a Superman dive over the two of them and makes a backhanded count of 2. He's such an awesome referee that Joe Wheeler calls him by the singular name "Kevin". With the Jeff Hardy of daredevil referees working this match, is it possible to reach the dream of a DUD women's match in SSW?
That pinfall was proceeded by and followed by an armbar that I'll ignore. I don't call armbars.
While standing on Rebecca Lynn's hand, Misty has her shoulders down on the mat for a good five seconds, but the charasmatic enigma referee is lost in his own world.
Misty throws Rebecca into the ropes, who waddles back into a flying clothesline for another two count. I've seen many women wrestlers fatter than Rebecca Lynn, but none dumpier. Her center of gravity is somewhere around her ankles.
A choke in the corner by Misty is followed by her Vintage Shitty Biel. It wasn't shitty enough though, so she repeats the spot to do it shittier. The referee alternates between backhand and forehand on his two count, because the SSW Wellness Policy doesn't cover officials.
"The blink of an eye. The beat of a heart. It only takes a second or two for things to change dramatically." Seems Joe Wheeler is imbibing in the good stuff as well.
Misty goes off the ropes for a move, but is instead met by a stiff back elbow from the champion, who begins an extended run of SSW Main Event Offense. Big Avalance splash into the corner sets up a 2.7 count on Misty, as these three are actually feeling it enough to pull off nearfalls that are unheard of in Southern States Wrestling.
Rebecca's manager, one of the members of the Old School Mafia, and someone I've never heard of until just this moment, starts barking orders at his charge, then starts choking Misty on the ropes while Rebecca occupies Willow the Whisp, exceeding all of the man-on-woman violence on women in WWE over the last five years combined.
In a spot you have to see to comprehend, Misty almost takes a bump over the top rope to the foor via a kick to the gut. They trade some SSW Main Event Offense that ends with Misty on top for another two count.
We jump ahead in the match, with a graphic imploring us to purchase the DVD from kingofkingsport.com to see the full match. If they don't care to show the whole match, I don't care to review it all, so let's jump to the chase:
Rebecca ducks a Misty James flying chop, knocking the referee loopy. I mean on his back, he was already loopy. We finally learn that the referee is named Kevin James. I'm sure that last name is just a coincidence.
The manager comes in and puts Misty in a full nelson while Rebecca Lynn lays in the chops...and Dakota Booth says that all I can stands, cuz I can't stands no more!
Two girls scream like R2D2 as Dakota rushes to the ring for the save, sending the manager flying out of the ring with the Greg Gagne Dropkick of Semi-Competence. Misty James goes up to the second mother-fucking rope and dives off with a crossbody block, and Kevin James conveniently wakes up at this point to make the three count. Misty regains her title! The crowd goes wild! Joe Wheeler goes wild! Zanatude goes mild!
Winner at 8:00 aired via Holy Shit I'm Way Up In The Air, and *NEW* Southern States Ladies Champion, Misty James. *
Yes, that's a positive star, not a negative one. Lots of motion from everyone in and around the ring, and even the ladies tried hard. I guess 200th time is the charm.
Interview with Dakota Booth after the match. Rebecca Lynn put up a helluva fight, but because of the support of her fans she has finally regained her title.
Probably the biggest moment in Southern States Wrestling this year. I'm a little verklempt here...talk amongst yourselves for awhile.
A Bobby Fulton promo for SSW. He looks like he could still go.
Dakota back (strangely, the background sign is now level once more) to tell us about the Thanksgiving Spectacular, as the graphic says Thanksgiving Extravaganza. Bell time is 7:05pm, as Ted Turner's influence on wrestling lives on. Matches will be announced at the Gray Community Center TV tapings on October 18th.
Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship vs D'Andre Jackson's SSW Career Match: Kyle Kool(c) vs D'Andre Jackson
We join this match in progress, relieving me of my desire to get too in-depth describing it. Huge spear by D'Andre early on, but all of the sudden Kevin James can't get in position, and it takes him three seconds to make a one count. Easier to half-ass it when nobody wrestling is named James, I guess. Although now Joe Wheeler is calling him Kevin Edwards? Shit, it looks like the suck of Dakota Booth is contagious.
Anyway, the ref seems to be playing off of a hip injury incurred during the women's title match, struggling to get down for another Jackson one count. It's like he's reliving the entire career of Tommy Young in one night.
Kyle Kool is lookly significantly pudgier than his previous match...kinda like Shawn Michaels during his Fat Elvis stage.in 1993. He can still pull off a vertical suplex, which gets two. Dakota gives us a history lesson, saying that D'Andre Jackson has defeated Kyle Kool twice before, but never with a title on the line.
Kool hits a bodyslam, then follows up with a rolling senton and a back senton on rapid succession for another two count. He follows with some good old fashioned heeling, drapping his shin over D'Andre's throat while agreeing with the ref. Even Fat Kyle Kool is still the best thing going in SSW today...though the referee does tower over him.
Showing how progressive SSW has become, the white Kyle Kool puts the black D'Andre Jackson down with a headbutt. Meanwhile, Bobo Brown is waddling around in the background for reasons unknown. Belly to back suplex puts Jackson back down for a stupid-ass backhand two count. Kyle Kool slaps on a chinlock as we go to break.
TV Champion Scott Sterling appears next week!
We've jumped ahead in this match as we are once again implored to purchase the DVD. As D'Andre Jackson lays in some shots in the corner, Kyle Kool deliberately kicks the referee's leg right out of his leg. While the referee remains down, Jackson runs out of the ring to meet the approaching Death Riders head on.
Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, Chic White is free at last!!!
D'Andre Jackson successfully pounds on both Death Riders, but is met by a knee from Kyle Kool as he tries to reenter the ring, and this time the Death Riders are ready, and Equalizer Krunch lays out D'Andre Jackson with brass knuckles.
As the referee regains consciousness from the kick to the leg that knocked him out, Kyle Kool plays dead in the ring. Choosing not to disqualify Kool for kicking him, Kevin Whatshisname instead starts to count Jackson out of the ring. Jackson struggles towards the ring...but is unable to make it back into the ring before the ten count! What a way to get kicked out of SSW!
Winner and still champion via countout, Kyle Kool!
BUT WAIT! One of the SSW suits gets on the mic and says that, while Kyle Kool cannot lose his championship by disqualification or countout, D'Andre Jackson also cannot be forced to leave SSW via a disqualification or countout. Thus, the referee orders that the match be restarted.
A frustrated Kyle Kool heads up to the second rop for a diving headbutt, but hits nothing but mat. Both men perform the "YEAH! BOO!" slugfest, minus the YEAHs and BOOs. The genius Dakota Booth realizes that the match is now essentially a no-DQ match, and wonders if the wrestlers will take advantage of that fact. That doesn't appearance to be the case, as D'Andre gets the better of the exchange, and follows up with a second rope clothesline.
D'Andre Jackson then hits a jumping elbow and gets the pin. Yep, that was the finish. It was so exciting that Misty James had her back to the ring for it, as D'Andre gets about one tenth of the reaction that Misty got earlier.
Winner at 9:00 aired via Zeroth Rope Elbow Drop, and *NEW* SSW Heavyweight Champion, D'Andre Jackson. 1/2*
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the women's match would get a higher rating, but the confusing booking, lame finish, and half-assed effort means that this match never got out of first gear. LT Falk would have never phoned it in like that.
Next week: Interview with the new SSW Champion, footage of a post-show altercation between Misty James, and the TV champion will appear.
Bringing his C-game like Kyle Kool, this is Zanatude signing off.