The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.16.95
Ad Roulette is another win for me, with just a WWE Network logo.
Taped from Grand Rapids, MI. WEEK FOUR, BABY.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Doink the Clown
But first, BREAKING NEWS. Mabel and Dean Douglas were both fined $7500 for their attack on Undertaker last week! Vince: “In medical terms, he suffered a crushed face.” I hope James Andrews didn’t give that diagnosis. Doink goofs around and tweaks HHH’s nose, but makes himself dizzy and Hunter puts him down with a clothesline. This feels like the kind of match you’d see on sitcoms where they needed a couple of cartoonish gimmicks to parody wrestling with. “Look, the blueblood snob is fighting the clown!” Hunter controls with a chinlock, but Doink cradles for two. Backslide gets two. Doink misses a crossbody, however, and a weak Pedigree finishes at 3:46. *1/2
Meanwhile, Barry Horowitz tries to teach Hakushi how to be American.
WWE tag team titles: The Smoking Gunns v. PG-13
This was apparently another dark match tryout that got put on TV to pad out the taping cycle to four weeks. The powers that be were really impressed with the act, but they were just too small to get a deal. Clearly this is very early in the taping, as the upper deck is almost totally empty and people are wandering around finding their seats. JC Ice tries his kung fu on Bart and gets clotheslined, but comes back with his own and dances. That goes badly for him, as Bart throws PG-13 around and they bail. Billy works on Wolfie’s arm, but JC trips him up and the challengers take over with cheapshots on the floor. Wolfie goes to the chinlock and they double-team Billy as we take a break. Back with Wolfie missing a dropkick and getting catapulted into JC, and it’s hot tag Bart. Sidewinder finishes Wolfie at 7:00. This was little more than a squash and the Gunns looked pretty bored out there. I’m not gonna sit here and advocate for PG-13 or anything because really they were too small to get over in that environment and probably would have snorted their paycheck away and died, but maybe they should have gotten a shot.
Meanwhile, on some house show, Jim Cornette cuts a promo on Diesel about the PPV. British Bulldog is DISGUSTED with the lack of respect he gets.
Meanwhile, Ahmed Johnson cuts his introductory promo, and I swear to all that is holy that I could literally only make out 3 words from his entire speech.
Dean Douglas v. Joe Dorgan
This squash was notable only for Shawn Michaels calling in, fresh off being beaten by TEN MEN in Syracuse. This number would increase to 15 over the years, but the story was still fresh. He’ll be at In Your House no matter what! Douglas finishes with the fisherman’s suplex at 2:00.
Cage match: Isaac Yankem v. Bret Hart
Bret pounds away in the corner and makes the first escape attempt, but Yankem runs him into the cage and drops elbows. Bret fights him off and climbs again, but Yankem runs him into the cage and climbs himself. Bret decides to YANKEM down (ha!) and goes for the door, but the ref is unable to unlock it because Jerry Lawler has in fact stolen the original lock. We take a break and return with a SPECIAL BULLETIN scrolling on the screen about how you can call the Superstar Line to get more info on the Shawn Michaels attack. Bret works on his leg and puts him in the Sharpshooter, but of course that goes nowhere. Bret climbs, but now Lawler interferes to stop him, which brings out Interim President Gorilla Monsoon to lock the King in the penalty cage. So Lawler gets hoisted into the air while Bret continues this boring match with Yankem. They slug it out in the corner while Lawler clowns in the mini-cage and basically steals the show, doing commentary from the cage while cheering on Yankem and pretending to be terrified of heights. Lawler has a nosebleed, and shockingly it’s not censored as we take another break. This just keeps GOING as Bret comes back and they punch each other in meandering fashion. Yankem keeps him from climbing and hits the DDS while people are literally walking out of the arena in droves at the end of the taping. Lawler gives Yankem the key to the cage, but Bret punches him in the nuts and hits the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM before climbing out at 19:30 to win. This was CLEARLY not intended for TV. *1/2 Easily one of Bret’s worst TV matches ever.
Next week: Live again, thank god, with Bertha Faye defending against Alundra Blayze! Boy, there’s a title switch I bet they wish they could take back.
This show was literally assembled from leftover pieces of the taping and inserted promos. Total waste of time.