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Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 7 - "The Double Cross"

Welcome back for the second half of our Total Divas Doubleheader. (MATT: NOT a euphemism.) Last episode, of course, was dedicated to Eva Marie and Jon's bachelor/ette party in Curacao, Mexico. In this episode, we got to see differences in how our group of Divas had fun and celebrated.

  • To Nattie, such a getaway meant a good time to get away and have a romantic time reconnecting with her husband. Unfortunately, TJ's concept of romance and connection was feeding ostriches at a farm and not banging the shit out of her when she brought up the idea. (MATT: Let that sink in for a moment: he actually researched things to do in Curacao and chose to visit an Ostrich Farm.)
  • Brie lost her luggage and had to make do with her sister's clothing and persistent badgering. She did drink some but, for the most part, wanted to think about her husband at home and how to decorate that home. Nikki kept lamenting the loss of her sister (or rather the loss of her sister as her co-conspirator in getting drunk and acting silly) and may have made some personal growth in recognizing they are just very different women who (as Nikki said herself in the first season) she wouldn't be friends with if they weren't sisters.
  • Cameron, as usual, didn't have much time for Vincent, though she did want to drag him away on this excursion. Though she barely spent time with him on the vacation, she did decide to house hunt with him after he made his feelings about their relationship known. Since Nikki is the only real estate agent they know (plot contrivance), she asked Nikki to be her realtor.

And, now...part 2 of our Divas Doubleheader...still booze-free...

TAMPA, FL

Natty and Rosa's Rental Car
The ladies refuse help from the hotel valets with their luggage as they're "strong girls". (MATT: Rosa uses two hands and barely gets her case into the car. STRONG!) They also don't appear to tip, maybe they realized they forgot to get cash for such occassions, which happens to me all the time as I usually pay for things with a debit card. Natalya hears a buzzing sound coming from Rosa's bag. She turns 4 shades of red and says it's her "electric toothbrush". Nattie tells Rosa to pull over so they can investigate. Natty pulls out Rosa's vibrator which Rosa says she "used this morning". (MATT: That makes it all better.) Natty, who is in Prude Mode (MATT: Doesn't want to know that she masturbates like every other woman on the planet?) following her horny streak in Curacao, declares that this is "too intense" and says she "doesn't need to know this much about her".  She asks for a baby wipe but Rosa claims she "washed it". (MATT: Every single week, I say, "Maybe I'll be surprised and Total Divas will be good. Every single week, I do this. Why do I do it? Why? WHY???)

Titles.

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki's House
Nikki is excited for the movie she's in called, "Confessions of a Womanizer". John jokes he has a small part, she says he does not. (MATT: They are talking about penises...right?)

Limousine
In the car, Nikki tells John that "he likes penis jokes", so he'll "like the comedy in the movie." He doesn't know what else to say except, "Thank you." (MATT: I know I'll be the first one in line for this masterpiece of American cinema...)

The Palladium
They show up at the red carpet premiere with director, Miguel Ali. Naomi shows up (via invite) and Nikki says she's excited -- this is the first thing she's been in. Nikki is stoked, saying that it's a thrill to "play somebody else, a whole new character". Then we get a look at her "character": a superficial valley girl who verbally harasses guys she thinks are beneath her and twirls her gum.

(MATT: Pictured - "Somebody Else")

There are a ton of empty seats in the theater as John and Nikki watch the film and, somehow, the audience laughs at "jokes" like, "Just because we're twins doesn't mean I wanna fuck my sister." Nikki says that this role makes her happy and that she can see "more movies in her future".

(MATT: Pictured - "Happiness")

Rosa and Natalya's Hotel Room
(MATT: Pre-emptive solution: why doesn't Nattie just stop bunking and hanging around with Rosa? I know that WWE told her to babysit...but Rosa certainly didn't need a handler while Nattie was off in Curacao, did she?) Nattie picks on her for wearing a white tank top and shorts. (MATT: Why are we still seeing Divas shaming clothing choices? What is the point of that? They're all basically nude when they go to the ring.) Nattie says Rosa looks like she's going to a nudist colony. Rosa says she likes to show off skin.

Rosa and Nattie's Rental Car
Rosa and Nattie watch as a fire truck crosses the intersection in front of them. Rosa says that that the firemen inside are probably cute. (MATT: Sound familiar, Danielle?) Nattie is still locked in Prude Mode and asks what Rosa means. Rosa says hasn't had sex in a year and a month and that she's "on the hunt". Judging from the last few episodes, it's been a long time for Nattie, too. However, Rosa says she's looking for a guy to be "well-endowed"...and a guy who is willing to wait a bit. Wait...what? You either you want to get it hard fast and now or you don't. (MATT: She practically dry humps every single Diva she sees and eye-fucks every dude in front of her. As Andy PG said: This show...this fucking show.) Nattie, practically advocating male dominance and female submission, says that guys don't want to "sit around and play Monopoly". Rosa counters and says the wrong kind of relationship could make her want to drink again. She's scared to date and she wants to meet her future husband, she tells the camera. Nattie tells her she'll know when she meets the right guy. (MATT: Just like Nattie did! Uh, wait...)

Central Avenue Oyster Bar (Restaurant)
After the premiere, John tells Nikki, "Take me to dinner, movie star." They toast her success. Nikki is really proud of her role, but also proud of her husband who just landed a role in Judd Apatow's upcoming film, "Trainwreck". She says that the cast is "unreal". (MATT: If you consider Judd Apatow, Tilda Swinton, the dude from African-Spielberg pirate flick, and a bunch of SNL rejects, comedians, a hip hop artist and LeBron James "unreal", that is.) John looks a touch pensive and asks if she would ever be naked on film. She says she would not and says, off-camera, that "the girls" are for her man and she wouldn't show them. However, she's ok with implied nudity, such as a shot of her back when she's topless. He keeps prodding and asks would she ever do a sex scene, but she says she will only do a sex scene with John. He asked an awful lot of questions. Just what is in his movie? (MATT: Well, the film doesn't really have details yet, but it--.) Did he do full frontal? (MATT: Well, I don't kn--.) Does he have a graphic sex scene? (MATT: I really don't thi--.) Is this movie a porno? (MATT: Why do we suddenly have advance tickets, Danielle? DANIELLE???) 

ORLANDO, FL

Brick House Tavern + Tap (Restaurant)
Nattie goes to meet Naomi for lunch as Naomi did not go to Eva Marie's bachelorette party in Curacao. We see "highlights" from the party in Curacao which was comprised of Nattie being miserable 95 percent of the time. Naomi asks if she's considered marriage counseling. She admits they tried sex therapy, which was bad for TJ, but not regular therapy. She says the sex therapy scarred him. (MATT: The only "scars" you should have after sex therapy are nail marks in your fucking back.) Nattie: "TJ says I'm such a control freak But I feel like my way is the right way". Naomi grimaces.

TAMPA, FL

John's Car
Nikki asks if John is excited about his movie. He says that he is and that he plays Amy Schumer's boyfriend who is over obsessive. He says there's a sex scene involved -- and Nikki's expression changes. Needless to say, she's not quite happy. Then, to make matters worse, he says it has "partial nudity" -- but just his butt. She tells the camera that Cena is her man and that it may be "just an ass" but that it's "her ass". She says she feels like he kept that from her. John: "I didn't keep it from you -- we're talking about it." (MATT: Shut up, John. It's no fun when you destroy this show's bullshit with actual logical thinking.) He says he apologizes for not telling her immediately. She says that this was a decision they both should have made and that he has to be naked with somebody and pretend that they're attracted to one another. He says it's one sex scene. She says he's choosing that over "their relationship". Cena: "No...you're putting our relationship on the line over this.") (MATT: SHUT UP, JOHN!! STOP THINKING!!) Nikki: "Why don't you ask other women and see if they'd like their men to be in sex scenes." (MATT: So, he should ask all the men who have done sex scenes if their women wanted them do that?) Cena says that maybe he's not with the right woman.

After a break, SexGate continues. Nikki says it's "weird to fake fuck somebody". Cena calls her insecure. Nikki says she's not insecure and that she's concerned about him. She says that he's gonna be with somebody else. He tells her "it's a production" and that it isn't real at all. (MATT: Didn't Nikki pretend to be fake-fucking Daniel Bryan at one point?) Nikki pushes the narrative, again, that Cena "hid this from her" and then says they "never discuss stuff because they're not married". (MATT: You have to be "married" to talk about things?) Nikki turns on the water works and starts crying, saying that they need to have a real relationship but she's not in one. She's just that girl who "signed the paper and lives in John Cena's house". (MATT: She's just NOW realizing this?) He says if Nikki feels like crap because he doesn't tell her every single thing, then everything they've been through has been pointless.

CLEVELAND, OH

Hotel Room
Nattie asks Rosa how their matches were during their recent shows in the area. Rosa says that she "gave Eva her body to work with". Rosa says she's going out to lunch with one of the Cleveland Browns. Nattie calls the dude a "meathead". (MATT: Yet, she's still got a better deal than Nattie.)

Zocalo (Restaurant)
Rosa has lunch with Cleveland Brown Gary Barnidge. They compare diets. He likes the Queso dip at the place but she says that would add "cottage cheese to her ass". He says he can eat anything because his workouts dump a ton of calories. Rosa says she has a nicer ass than most of the younger girls in the locker room. She seems to hit it off and tells the camera that she was "picturing him with his clothes off". (MATT: How is that different than all the other people she meets in her daily life?)

TAMPA, FL

John & Nicole's House
Nikki has invited her brother and her Mom to their house for the first time. She mentions the movie and that Cena has a sex scene. Brie and her Mom and slightly outraged -- while Nikki's brother simply asked, "Didn't you do a story where you and Brie were making out with Daniel Bryan?" Nikki confirms that this happened but says that "kissing is different". (MATT: Oh, I can't wait to hear the hypocritical bullshit that's about to fly from her mouth here.) She says that kissing is different because you "don't use tongue and stuff". (MATT: OH...COME...ON.) Her family talks her off the ledge and Nikki can't believe it. She says that Cena should have talked about with her. Brie agrees. Then they talk about the time they asked their Dad to take them to see "Booty Call". Then they laugh. (MATT: For what reason? How does this wrap anything up?)

Marriage Counselor
Nattie and TJ are seeing a marriage counselor. She says she knows their marriage can improve which is why they're there. Nattie tells the counselor that they're not on the same page and that they see each other once a week. TJ says that she's too focused on work when she comes home. The counselor asks how he feels about things. He says some of it sucks and some of it doesn't. He says he sees more positives in not going on the road all the time.. Nattie says that this will create more space. She says that TJ is one of the best wrestlers in the world. She says she feels emptiness and she feels alone. TJ is forced to admit this.

WWE NXT Gym
Nattie talks with Ryan Katz, WWE Producer, about developing a new character for TJ. She admits on camera she wants to get in his body and do his work for hm because he isn't doing what she wants.

HOUSTON, TX for Monday Night RAW

Ringside
Brie is in the ring to continue her storyline feud with Stephanie McMahon where Brie demands the SummerSlam match with Steph. (MATT: And that's it. We already saw this. Why can't we have ome behind-the-scenes stuff about that?)

Backstage
Rosa meets Gary Barnidge backstage. She says Gary is the first person she has ever brought backstage. (MATT: I kinda doubt that...) She introduces Gary to Summer and Nattie. It turns out Summer has met him before. Nattie nearly gets into it with Summer and excuses herself and Rosa gets called away for an interview. Summer continues talking to Gary and flirts with him. summer tells how she used to play football for the Legends Football League. (MATT: An oddly named league considering it's little more than a T&A fest with no "legends" to speak of.) She talks about how intense the league was and tells the camera that she likes Gary because he's attractive and they have so much in common. (MATT: Can't wait to use that excuse: "Well, she was hot and we both are from San Jose and we both use Tablets to get our writing done!") Summer tells him that they should go find Rosa.

Meat & Potatoes (Restaurant)
Nikki is out for a "girl's night", sans Brie. Nattie, Eva and Cameron all come along. She says she's there to just have fun, relax, and not think about Cena's sex scene. She asks what the girls think of the situation with John. (MATT: If you're trying to "forget about it", why the fuck are you bringing it up?!) None of the girls like the idea -- especially Nattie who acts like Cena's cheating on her. (MATT: I'm so tired of Nattie. Seriously.) Nikki has a smirk on her face, knowing she's in good company. (MATT: Yeah, reveling in creating a mob mentality.) Nattie tells Nikki that she often gets into character -- and that means physically as well. Nikki says she needs a whole bottle of wine while Nattie wonders if Cena will get an erection during filming. Nikki doesn't look happy. Nattie tells her that she needs to put her foot down. (MATT: WWE Divas: giving women a bad reputation one episode at a time.)

ORLANDO, FL

WWE Performance Center (Gym)
Rosa meets Summer and laughs at a guy making intense grunting noises while lifting weights. Rosa says that Paige told her that Rosa makes sex noises when she lifts. Rosa says she had no idea she did that because she was wearing earphones. Rosa says she can now understand why she gets stared at in the gym. (MATT: She is like a living, breathing Mariah Carey poster. Nothing but ego and self-flattery.) She tells Summer that she sent Gary a text and he took an hour to reply. Summer says that isn't bad. Rosa says "He's talking to Rosa Mendes. That's bad." (MATT: Fucking hell. Cut away to anything! PLEASE!) Therefore, she says, he's playing hard to get. Really? What if, during that hour, he fell asleep? Had to be driving? Had an emergency? That's hardly enough to decide someone is playing hard to get. Rosa says that he better look at her with hungry eyes on the date. (MATT: On a second date?!) Rosa needs him to fall in love with her. Summer says Rosa is like a woman on Oprah who has a full wedding book but no groom.

Cafeteria
Nikki is still upset about John's sex scene. Nikki says that he doesn't deserve her constantly getting in his face about it. She says that she wants to be cool with it and wishes she could shut off the way she feels. (MATT: I kid you not, here are the things she wishes she could say: "Hey, stomach! Don't get in knots! Hey! Don't be upset!" And my favorite: "Hey, blood! Why are you boiling right now?" That last one sounds like a gang member asking another gang member what he's cooking.) Brie says that John is the first good guy she has dated. Nikki says he's been burned in weird ways: their father left with another woman when they were young. Eva Marie says he's been trustworthy and that she needs to trust Cena. Nikki says that she's taking out her past frustrations on him. Nattie tries to make it all better by telling Nikki the girl won't brush her teeth before she kisses him.

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ's House
Natalya and TJ went to therapy. They had one visit and they did well, making a lot of progress So she moved back in. (MATT: One visit?!) TJ comes in and says he doesn't want to go back. TJ says they would be like hamsters in  a wheel on the couch. Nattie tells the camera, "You can't make progress in one visit!" (MATT: WHAT?! She moved back in after one visit citing good progress! FUUUUUUUUCK!!!) She starts crying and he mocks her for it. He says that everythng is fine. He tells Nattie that her issues are her own. He's not going back.

Ember (Restaurant)
Rosa is meeting Gary Barnidge for her second date she tells him they spent hours in a gym. At lunch, she finds he isn't drinking and, when questioned, tells him she was in rehab. She hasn't been in a relationship in a year because she was "paranoid of guys" (MATT: Run, Gary. NOW.) She says that wants to be with her soul mate and doesn't want to have fun, then says she needs "a lot of attention". (MATT: NOW, GARY. GO!) She says she will wait until she's in love to be intimate. He tells her she has too many guidelines to have one guy meet them and, when the waitress comes over a moment later to see if they need anything else, just asks for the check. My guess is their relationship, what little it was, is over. (MATT: I dunno...I can see a future there...)

NEW YORK, NY

WWE Mommy Blog Event
Nattie does the event, taking photos with kids and signing autographs, then bumps into Darren Young. She tells him that she's gonna go have dinner later and that he should come.

Serendipity (Restaurant)
Nattie says she is having a night out on the town with Darren Young, takes a selfie with him and then says that it's nice to have somebody to vent to. When they get to the restaurant, the Paparazzi is there. She shows off Darren -- but the guy with the camera asks where TJ is. Nattie says TJ is good and that they're "not divorced yet". Darren looks a little awkward. Nattie asks Darren how he felt about that. Apparently, she told the guy "don't tell TJ" by complete accident. The cameraman's reply was, "I don't wanna get my ass kicked!" Darren doesn't look at all comfy with it.

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant
Nikki is out with John for lunch. He says it was a great experience filming his movie and Nikki says that she is proud of him for getting the job and opens up about having been cheated on and how things were with her Dad leaving. He counters and apologizes, telling her that she has every right to feel that way and says he should have told her about the scene sooner. She tells the camera this make them stronger they are taking the next step in their relationship. (MATT: #NIKKIWINSLOL)

ORLANDO, FL

Summer's car
she is primping while driving and then goes to a restaurant -- to meet up with Gary. That was quick. (MATT: The editing was so slick here. It's obvious that this was manufactured.)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ's House
Nattie stayed an extra day in New York to have some "Nattie time". (MATT: She's always taking time off to be by herself. Am I insane here?) TJ tells her that she should have told him. He's pissed off about telling the Paparazzi about their divorce. TJ says he's hurt because she never mentioned anything like that to him. He asks if she wants a divorce. She says she doesn't know what he wants anymore. She goes into the bedroom and doesn't come out.

FINAL RECAP

Danielle

This week's hug goes to: Brie. Though she had barely any screen time, she got to stand toe to toe with Steph. That's awesome.

This week's punch goes to: TJ & Summer Rae (tie) Really, TJ? You thought one session of marriage counseling was all you needed to fix years of problems? Summer Rae - going after a coworker's intended b/f is low, even for a reality show peep.

Matt

This week's hug goes to: John Cena. I'm sorry. I don't buy any of this storyline. I refuse to believe that Nikki can flaunt her body, admit that she doesn't wear underwear, act more superficial than a Kardashian, make out with Daniel Bryan, pretend she's someone else...and then turn around and be jealous when Cena's got a sex scene in a movie. Cena, from what I've heard, has been around the block, so this story is setting off my bullshit detector, big-time. 

Most annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki/Nattie/Rosa (tie) I hate ties. But, holy shit. Nattie's a fucking headcase. One moment, she's horny as fuck, the next she's a prude. She chastises women for what they wear and wears stuff that shows off her obviously fake boobs. She says they made huge progress with a counseling sessions -- then, turns around and says no progress was made. PICK. A FUCKING. LANE. Nikki is phony. I don't like watching her. I hate hearing her talk. I hate everything she does on this show. The phony "OMG CENA IN A SEX SCENE" crocodile tears act made my stomach turn. This whole show has that effect, but this took the cake. Finally, Rosa...what is she looking for in a guy? Rich, well-hung, somebody who can spend money on her and take care of her. Ugh. How are any of these girls appealing?

Er, that's it...

Comments

  1. "Nattie
    does the event, taking photos with kids and signing autographs, then
    bumps into Darren Young. She tells him that she's gonna go have dinner
    later and that he should come."

    ...they have Nattie venting to her gay friend about her husband? Anyone else's bingo card get filled by that one?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here's Nattie in a nutshell Matt: that sheltered chick that once you break her out of her shell, turns out to be one of the nastiest freaks ever. You'll marry her, if for no other purpose, just to keep the gold for yourself. Ask Danielle, females can always spot "that chick."

    ReplyDelete
  3. RISE ABOVE cliches WWE!

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  4. MaffewOfBotchamaniaOctober 20, 2014 at 2:22 AM

    As Scott points out OH IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY PEOPLE COULD SEE HOW GOOD SULLIVAN WAS but yeah.

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  5. Awesome review, as per usual; Matt's shot about the fire truck and disbelief at moving in after one counseling session had me convulsing with laughter.

    To paraphrase Scott, this show is a circus train being driven by a cross-dressing Frankenstein into a munitions dump.

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  6. This place aint really about wrestling anymore.

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  7. I really do appreciate the thought, but remember how this came up in the first place.

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  8. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryOctober 20, 2014 at 12:45 PM

    But there is: BOTCHAMANIA, BROTHER

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  9. davidbonzaisaldanamontgomeryOctober 20, 2014 at 12:47 PM

    That's JAMIE NOBLE BOY! to you

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  10. John is completely blameless: it's not like he's been dating Nikki for a long time and could know she would react [don't say irrationally, don't say hypocritcally] like this (to defend her a little, he could have told her sooner than a month later). I wonder if Dolph will get a cameo about Cena's sex scene with Dolph's (I think) ex-girlfriend.

    Rosa "I will be talking about handsome guys because I haven't had sex in a while but want the guy to be well-endowed and be willing to wait to have sex" Mendes freaking out Nattie "TJ doesn't pay enough attention to me while recovering from injury, and the lack of sex causes me to perform badly in the ring so we're going to a sex therapist" with a vibrator.


    I know WWE couldn't get Johnny Football, but the Cleveland Browns' back-up tight end was what it could get?

    Thank goodness Paige and Alicia Fox are joining the cast when the show returns. Is Paige old enough to drink?

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't think it's fair to say Nattie's a headcase or needs to pick a lane because sometimes she's horny and sometimes she's a prude. People have moods, and those moods can change. And not that I think you're going that deep with it, but that kind of thinking from men -- that a woman who's ever been horny should therefore be horny all the time -- is a really dangerous pillar of what they call rape culture.
    And about Rosa's type of guy ... I mean, a lot of men want a woman who's well-endowed and will take care of them (if not financially, then physically and in the kitchen). If you think that makes those guys unappealing, then it's fair to say Rosa's standards make her unappealing. But if not, it's another double standard. Men are actually the worst at being picky when it comes to what they want from a woman; I feel like women are much more likely to "settle" for someone below their ideal.

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  12. On the wrestling shows they say she's 21

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  13. I think, for me, it's that she's inconsistent. Obviously, a lot of what we're watching is manufactured. But she's either one way or she's the other. One moment, it's all TJ's fault. The next moment, she's the one causing her own problem. Now, it's TJ's fault again. And, no, I'm not going that deep with it. Anyone is entitled to feel one way or the other but the "characters" are jarring.

    I think we were only scratching the surface with Rosa's demands. I think guys and girls want their mates to be attractive in some way. Rosa's demands are a touch pretentious.

    ReplyDelete

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