I don't know how much longer I can take this bullshit.
Forgiving the fact that RAW sucked on toast last night (it had to be for Andy PG to ping me later that evening with "Welp...that show sucked") and the fact that it's been the John Cena show for no good reason, Grumpy Cat is actually your "host" for RAW next week.
I simply have no words to describe how I feel about this. I mean, NeNeWhatsHerFace was a host a few days ago. Hugh Jackman made Damien Sandow pretend to be Wolverine and Aaron Paul showed up and caused Seth Rollins to lose. The Muppets and The Three Stooges hosted at some point. Either that or I was fucking high as a kite.
Point is, I should be good and goddamn numb.
Grumpy Cat has got to be be the line in the sand...right? RIGHT?!
I'm not sure this company knows what "low" is. I'm not sure they ever will.
Anyhow, let's book...
WWE loves our Veterans. You must love them, too. Or else you're not 'Murican and a terrorist bastard.
We are LIVE(!) from Liverpool in the United Kingdom!
Byron Saxton is back, next to Michael Cole at the Talking Desk.
Tickets to WrestleMania are available on Saturday...but there's also two pre-sales on Thursday. Wish me luck getting tickets...
MATCH #1: Stardust (w/ Goldust) vs. Adam Rose (w/ Bunny & The Exotic Express)
Rose is really not happy with Bunny. He glares at him and tells him to back off and go away. Rose hits a shoulderblock and Star rolls out of the ring. He hisses at the Express and gets back in, only to be shoulderblocked again. Rose hits a reverse atomic drop. Star comes back with an uppercut, then chokes Rose against the ropes while taunting Bunny. He hits a Springboard Clothesline off the top rope, getting two. Headlock by Star. Rose breaks only to get clotheslined again. Rose breaks a headlock again and manages to kick Star away from him. He hits clotheslines and a Spinebuster on Star. He goes for a running clothesline but Gold gets up on the mat. Rose nails him, then Bunny comes over and takes out Gold. Rose rolls Star up for the win at around 4:32.
WINNER: Adam Rose
RATING: *3/4. Unless this was the quick make-up spot, I guess the Rose heel-turn was short-lived.
TONIGHT: Ryback has a "big decision to make".
We get a montage about Ryback.
MATCH #2: Alicia Fox vs. Cameron
Failed Diva vs. Failed Diva = Dead Crowd. You actually hear somebody whistle. Cameron tosses Alicia to the mat. Fox tries a head scissors but it doesn't work. She ends up outside the ring. Cameron comes after her and tosses her back into the ring. Two count. She drops Fox's neck on the ropes and puts her in the headlock. The crowd claps just to move things along. Fox breaks it but Cameron keeps control and hits a suplex and Split Legdrop for two. She puts Fox in a clutch, then beats on her. Cameron runs at her and Fox botches a Spinning Backbreaker. Fox runs at her, then stops and rolls her up for the pin at 3:39.
WINNER: Alicia Fox
RATING: DUD. Another shitty match.
Bray Wyatt apparently said stuff about Ambrose on RAW.
TONIGHT: Dean Ambrose is in action.
Kofi Kingston is part of Xavier Woods' "church" thing.
MATCH #3: Sami Zayn vs. Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya)
Crowd is doing the "OLE" chant because reasons. The match goes nowhere for over two minutes as the two flips around and grapple and get nothing done. Zayn hits some Steamboat arm drags. Kidd rolls out of the ring and pounds the mat and crowd barriers in frustration. He gets back on the mat and looks back at his wife. Zayn grabs him and suplexes him, then puts Kidd's head into the buckles. Kidd tosses Zayn to the corner. He leaps over the top rope and Kidd dropkicks him outside. One dude tries to start an "OLE" chant but fails as Kidd beats on Zayn. Kidd gets a kiss on the cheek twice, then they hug. On that note, we're going on a fucking break.
An ad for "Queens of the Ring", a crappy-looking movie that makes the Divas look like Ric Flair on Lex Luger circa early 90's.
When we come back, Kidd is in control and slingshots Zayn's neck into the bottom rope. Two count. Kidd hits head scissors. Zayn breaks it with a bridge pin but catches an elbow to the face on a rush. Kidd tosses Zayn into the corner hard, then puts Zayn in a headlock as Nattie's boobs look sad. Zayn comes back punching. Kidd tries to shrug him off but Zayn hits a dropkick on the way down. He goes top rope and hits a Cross Body for a VERY close two. The match spills outside and Kidd kicks Zayn in the face. Two count. Kidd goes top rope and hits a Flipping Neckbreaker for two.
Kidd taunts Zayn, telling him to stand up. He rams Zayn in the corner. Kidd taunts him some more. Kidd kicks him the head and tries a Side Suplex. Zayn counters and hits the Blue Thunder Bomb for a CLOSE fall. Wow. FINALLY, the crowd is into this and chants, "THIS IS AWESOME. A series of roll-ups ends with Kidd pulling on Zayn's tights. The ref, however, sees this and doesn't count, yelling at Kidd. Zayn sends Kidd outside and goes to follow up. Kidd uses his wife as a shield AGAIN, hugging onto her. Zayn won't attack, so Kidd kicks him, gets back in the ring, hits a neckbreaker and wins at 13:00. Fuck that.
WINNER: Tyson Kidd.
RATING: **3/4. Fucking annoying finish. Zayn is new talent with much more depth than Bo Dallas or Rusev and he's losing to start his career. Kidd won it last week. I don't understand this. Just fucking garbage.
Cole and Saxton recall last night's RAW and show us the Ryback/Cena montage.
AT SURVIVOR SERIES: Team Cena vs. Team Authority.
ON SMACKDOWN: Chris Jericho will have The Authority on The Highlight Reel.
MATCH #4: Dean Ambrose vs. Justin Gabriel
Initial grappling is the first minute. Ambrose hits a nice wristlock into an armbar. He shoulderblocks Gabriel after Gabriel breaks. Gabriel runs at him and gets slammed. He hits a falling headbutt and works Gabriel over in the corner. Ambrose hits a stalled suplex. Ambrose misses a shortarm clothesline. Gabriel tries a rush but Ambrose knees him in the gut and clotheslines him from the ring. He hits a springboard cross body to the outside, then rolls Gabriel back in. Gabriel takes over and puts Ambrose in the Tree of Woe, stomping on Ambrose's head. Gabriel hits an Abdominal Stretch but Ambrose comes back with a flurry of punches and a splash. Crowd is silent. Ambrose hits a Bulldog. He picks Gabriel up. Gabriel punches Ambrose and it's the Comeback Clothesline followed by Dirty Deeds for the win at 5:14.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: 1/2*. Glorified Squash.
Following the match, Ambrose grabs a mic. He says Bray's right. There is a special place in hell for them. He doesn't play games. He's not afraid. He says Bray is poking and prodding at him. That's stupid because he'll get his teeth knocked out for that.
And we're done.
OVERALL: **. Eh...as per usual.
Er, that's it.