The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 11.06.95
So after one episode last week, on a Wednesday, this week they add three new episodes on a Saturday again. Whatever. I would have had these up sooner but there’s been major technical issues with the Network lately and none of them were able to be played.
Speaking of technology, here’s a quick “How dumb is Scott, anyway?” story for you to put the perils of technology in perspective for you. I typically keep the hotspot function on my iPhone turned on because the wifi at work is shit and I just like to noodle around and update the blog while I’m on lunch, so I’ll run the internet to my iPad from my phone. However, because I’m an idiot much of the time, I frequently forget to turn it off, and specifically forget to turn the USB tethering function off. So I get home on Friday night and plug my phone into my laptop to charge and download new podcasts and stuff, not realizing that my laptop was then using my cellular data in place of wifi (because I had never erased that connection from the wifi list on the laptop) and that I was also downloading Lego Marvel Super Heroes from Steam at the time because it was $5 and I bought it and forgot about it. So long story short, I got up on Saturday morning and realized that I had accidently blown through 4.5 GB of my monthly 5GB plan…two days into the monthly cycle. So there’s gonna be a LOT of wifi usage on my phone this month whenever possible. Don’t do what Johnny Don’t do, kids.
Taped from wherever they’ve been for the past few weeks. Brandon, MB, I think it was.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Handsome Dok Hendrix.
The British Bulldog v. Marty Jannetty
SO MUCH FRINGE. Fringe and tassels everywhere! Marty grabs a headlock and works the arm, then hits an enzuigiri for two. Bulldog presses him onto the top to break the momentum while Clarence Mason does an inset promo announcing Bulldog’s title shot in December. I should note both Bulldog title shots set the record for lowest buyrates in modern history. And his matches against Michaels in 96 didn’t do much better. Jannetty fights out of a chinlock, but Bulldog headbutts him down for two and goes back to it. Marty with a crucifix for two, but Bulldog clotheslines him for the 360 sell, and that gets two. I could watch Jannetty sell clotheslines all day. We take a break and return with Bulldog holding another chinlock, but Marty fights back with a sunset flip that Bulldog blocks for two. Aaaaaaaaand back to the chinlock. Jesus fuck. Did we time travel back to a 1988 episode of Primetime Wrestling? Bulldog stomps away in the corner and, say it with me, BACK TO THE CHINLOCK. Finally Marty makes the comeback and goes up for the fistdrop, but he lands on his feet and opts for a DDT instead. That gets two, but Jannetty misses a blind charge like a moron and Bulldog puts us out of our misery with the powerslam at 11:31. *1/2
Meanwhile, Barry Horowitz pumps up Bret and Hakushi for the main event.
Henry Godwinn v. Terry Richards
I guess HOG was supposed to be a babyface at this point, but you wouldn’t know it from the dead silent crowd. He drops an elbow and guillotines him on the apron, before finishing with the slop drop at 1:51. Sadly, that cur Hunter Hearst Helmsley attacks him from behind and Pedigrees him on the floor before dropping a bucket of slop on him (while wearing gloves, in a nice touch).
MILTON BRADLEY KARATE FIGHTERS PRESENTS SURVIVOR SERIES SLAM JAM, WITH TODD PETTINGILL!
…is a sentence that sums up 1995.
Kama v. Tony Roy
Speaking of things that couldn’t be any more 1995, Barry Didinski is offering a bag of 1000 Mad Caps (pogs), which everyone loves of course, for only $21! Yes, $20 for a fucking bag of plastic discs. I feel bad for the idiot kids who bit on that “deal”. Kama beats on Roy in the corner while Vince talks to Shawn Michaels on the phone and ignores the match (rightly so). Shawn’s Marine count at this point is up to “nine guys” by the way. I wonder if the number of Marines was affected by Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle and that’s why it kept changing? Kama finishes the jobber with a sidekick at 3:00.
Weird bit as they hype next week’s Ramon v. Sid match as an IC title match, with DQ and countout rules waived, even though the match was already taped and they changed it to a non-title match for no real reason. Why even do that kind of scummy bait and switch advertising?
Bret Hart & Hakushi v. Jerry Lawler & Isaac Yankem
Bret and Hakushi double-team Yankem in the corner while they overlay a steady white noise of fake crowd heat that makes this sound SO low-rent. This was the end of the night on a nothing RAW taping so I can certainly understand the dead crowd at least. Bret with a sunset flip on Yankem for two, but Hakushi tries the handspring elbow and Yankem cuts him off with a clothesline. Yankem works the back on the floor, running Hakushi into the post, and back in with a sideslam for two. Lawler with a piledriver for two and we take a break. Back with Yankem holding a bearhug and going to a Boston crab, but Bret breaks it up and gets the hot tag. Bret with the usual on Yankem and he’s submitting to the Sharpshooter behind the ref’s back, but Lawler grabs a chair, only to be intercepted by Barry Horowitz. The ref sees that and disqualifies the babyfaces at 12:40. Clearly Bill Watts was long gone if we’re getting that kind of shitty finish. *1/2 This led to nothing and was just a finish to get them out of the match.
Next week: Helmsley v. Godwinn and Ramon v. Sid (not) for the IC title as this sad taping continues its death march. We even get HIGHLIGHTS of next week as they just blatantly give away that it’s taped!