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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–12.18.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.18.95

FINALLY the horror of 1995 comes to a close. However, the ad wizards who run the Network have omitted the next two episodes, because I think they’re just fucking with us at this point.

Live from Newark, DE. There’s more than one Newark?

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, and we have yet another minor makeover of the show with new purple graphics.

Jeff Jarrett v. Fatu

Fatu is now making a difference by dancing like a jackass. Like he’s ever going to get over as a dancing fat guy. So Jarrett made his epic return at In Your House V and people already don’t care again, mostly because Roadie had most of the heat. Jarrett struts and gets chased out of the ring, as Vince DEMANDS action. You’ve got the wrong show then. Back in, Jarrett tries hitting him in the head and gets nowhere, and Fatu slugs him down, but misses a blind charge and Jarrett chokes him out on the ropes. They head out to the floor and we take a break. Back with Jarrett working on the shoulder as I should note that Fatu’s tights are now “Makin’ a change” instead of “Makin’ a difference.” I feel like that is the missing ingredient in this character. Fatu comes back with a backdrop and corner clothesline, and a backbreaker gets two. Ace Crusher follows, but he hurts his bad shoulder doing the move and Jarrett sends him into the post again before Ahmed Johnson runs in for the DQ at 7:38. Like really, JJ was going for a figure-four when Ahmed ran in, it’s not likely that was going to affect the bad shoulder. But then Ahmed isn’t exactly a pillar of intelligence anyway. Usual Jeff Jarrett borefest. *1/2

Meanwhile, Goldust is horny for Razor Ramon.

Meanwhile, Diesel gets into a staredown with Undertaker over Taker’s impending title shot.

Buddy Landell v. Bob Holly

Oh man, poor Budro, who could fuck up any push ever given to him. Apparently he was in line for the NWA World title in 1985 and got busted for coke to lose the title shot, although Buddy’s version is that he missed a plane. How dumb did you have to be to get busted for COCAINE in the 80s? They practically handed that shit out at the door! And shortly after this match he slipped in a parking lot, tore up his leg, and never returned to the WWF. Buddy is using Flair’s old music and robe, which I’m sure was no coincidence. They exchange chops in the corner as Lawler notes that Buddy is a 17 year veteran, which is not the kind of thing they typically brought up. Buddy slugs Holly down and works a headlock, but puts his head down and gets DDT’d. This crowd absolutely could not care less about this match. Holly comes back with a rana and some clotheslines for two, but misses a dropkick and Buddy finishes with the corkscrew elbow at 6:51 of boredom. *

Ted Dibiase appears on the Brother Love show and tells us all about Xanta Claus, who lives in the South Pole and steals gifts from little children. Now that was a loser gimmick.

In two weeks: The RAW Bowl! Lucky us.

Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Yokozuna

Goldust is watching from the entrance, which pretty much telegraphs the finish right away. Ramon works on the arm for a while, but Yoko tosses him. Back in, Ramon goes back to the arm, but Yoko applies the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. Ramon fights out of that and slugs away, then goes back to the arm as we take a break. Back with Yoko holding ANOTHER nerve pinch, but Ramon fights out again until Yoko cuts him off and pounds away in the corner. And then we get choking before Ramon comes back with a bulldog and Undertaker wheels out a casket to mess with Yoko. And Yoko is so terrified that he runs away at 10:35. Were they supposed to be building up to a THIRD casket match between those two? ½*

Razor Ramon admits that, yeah, he’s handsome, but he only digs women and not Goldust. That’s pretty cool of him, actually, and totally unlike the usual knee-jerk homophobic angle. Although a few years later we’d find out that he was really into groping senior citizens while drunk off his ass.

And oh yeah, we wrap it up with TELL ME A LIE, as Shawn Michaels might be done for good, you guys! Now, which lie are they referring to? The one where Shawn didn’t fail a drug test in 1993? Or the one where he had career-ending knee surgery in 1997 and had to miss Wrestlemania?

The Pulse

This was a weak-ass live RAW. Kind of apropos for the year in general, I guess. Next up: 1996, with alternating RAW and Nitro reviews from now on!

Comments

  1. Yeah, a bit weird having Undertaker interfere in the Yoko match. I can only assume they wanted to do a story where Taker mows down everyone who was responsible for the 6 man tag beatdown, which would have been fine, but then it didn't go anywhere.

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  2. Wait, what? I thought the Yoko-Razor match described here took place back in '94, during the build to Survivor Series '94. Unless they just reused the same finish for no apparent reason a year later. Because Mid-90s WWF.

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  3. Delaware has Newark pronounced New Ark. Jersey has Newark pronounced New Irk. I might be the blogs only Delawarean. Can't believe we got a Raw back in the day...we're lucky now to get an occasional house show.

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  4. And as a mark that watched all the shows during that time, Buddy Landel would make his return to the WWF again in 98 for one match as he was squashed by HHH. As I remember announcers treated him like another no-name ham and egger during that match.

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  5. I think they wrestled twice. Same with Jarrett/Fatu too, they wrestled a year earlier too.

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  6. Yes, yes, yes, that Razor promo! My friends and I quoted that for years. So casual, as if he's turned down male advances toward him for years. It's a brief little hysterical gem.

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  7. "Xanta Claus, who lives in the South Pole and steals gifts from little children. Now that was a loser gimmick." Now we have hornswoggles and bunnies!!!

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  8. But seriously, Buddy Landell's finisher was an elbow drop. Like... Just a regular jumping elbow drop. Even as a mark, I felt bad for Bob Holly for losing to that.

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  9. I never liked Hornswoggle, but the Bunny is awesome.

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  10. I'll be honest, I thought 'Tell Me A Lie' was a pretty catchy song.

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  11. Then they used it again after he lost his smile. Always good to recycle I guess.

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  12. Seems like the type of move that got over in Knoxville.

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  13. Believe it or not, Buddy actually came back during the Attitude Era: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAQiIdDf8Zc

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  14. "Brutha, what's your finish?"


    "Uhhh, I drop an elbow."


    "You drop an ELBOW?!?"


    My guess, however, is that Cornette was not coming to the rescue for Landell.

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  15. Found a real bizarre Landel match - vs Shawn Michaels - in Smokey Mountain Wrestling
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NFdfBmGbG0

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  16. Really??? I don't recall that

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  17. Wrestled twice

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  18. It got rave reviews at the time and I think the match won Buddy a WWF contract.

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  19. HOWwrestling posted a youtube link to it.

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  20. You're right! And he's really out if shape in March 99

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  21. It was a good match - but it was weird to see Michaels in a non-WWF/E ring.

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  22. It was a pretty famous SMW card that featured a lot of the WWF guys. I guess Vince wanted to do Corny a favor.

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  23. Lol not Vince. Ross, Kevin Kelly l, and Cornette handled outside bookings

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  24. I was just thinking about that the other day. "No matter what Rick & Scotty do to you, I want the drop the F'in elbow on your partna."

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  25. "Tell Me A Lie" should have been the title of Julie Hart's autobiography.

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  26. Well the clique did lie a lot

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  27. Anything got over there

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  28. Except when it came to good flashy moves.

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  29. It's as bad as you'd expect. She talks about "The Hall of Fame Screwjob."

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  30. And there's Newark, Ohio about 45 minutes east of Columbus. And that's "Nurk," at least in the local dialect.

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  31. How many Bret/Shawn televised singles matches were there? I'm watching Survivor Series 1992, and I realized this, Montreal and WM12 are the only ones I remember.

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  32. They had a fair few on Colosseum video. And there was the SNME match if you want to count the Rockers/Harts match. And yeah, they fought each other A LOT of the houseshow circuit but don't think they ever had a match that made it to Raw or Superstars.

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  33. Adam "Colorado" CurryNovember 25, 2014 at 11:58 PM

    They had a ladder match in 1992 that made it to video, but I have no idea if was on TV.

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  34. There's a lot of Camcorder footage of old house shows on YouTube now. Fun Shawn/Marty one and heel Austin pinning face Shawn in 1997. Fun stuff to see.

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  35. Oh yeah, I remember Austin pinned Shawn TWICE that week and it was considered newsworthy and reported everywhere at the time.

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  36. CruelConnectionNumber2November 26, 2014 at 12:18 AM

    Newark, NJ is like literally 10,000 times the size/population of Newark, DE.

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  37. CruelConnectionNumber2November 26, 2014 at 12:20 AM

    Video not televised, yeah.

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  38. No joke, it's been on every mp3-compatible device I've ever owned.

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  39. Round is a perfectly cromulent shape.

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  40. I remember listening to DiBiase's Xanta speech on Wrestlecrap over a decade ago. Horrible, but Vince crying like a child during the promo is hilarious. "Why is Santa doing this! No, it's not fair! No! Nononono!"

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  41. Did Xanta ever have an actual match? I only remember the interview segments.

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  42. The Bunny is awesome, when he unmasks and destroys Adam Rose I'm expecting a major pop

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  43. Wasn't there a steel cage match between these two are one point?

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  44. He did, and it was against the future Scotty 2 Hotty!

    http://youtu.be/2c1XxpqEMf4

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  45. So a 2 minute squash match?
    I'm amazed they didn't use him at least once more to be defeated by a face wrestler and save Christmas.

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  46. I think somebody realized that the gimmick would only be over in the month of December and wisely canned it

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  47. I agree with canning it, but first let's have him get defeated by Savio Vega who can avenge Santa and save Christmas.
    Xanta was never defeated and could come back at any time. Is Christmas ever going to be truly safe from this monster?

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  48. I'm "making a difference" with these donuts in the office.


    And I'm "making a change" to my waistline.

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  49. Having never been to New Ark I can only assume that it's 10000 times less shitty than New Irk.

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  50. You're such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street people shout "Goddammit, that's a big fat ass!"

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