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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–12.04.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.04.95

You know, everyone kept telling me that since I loved Oz so much, I should probably watch Sons of Anarchy on Netflix because it’s similarly awesome. And while I believed them, I think the problem is that they didn’t stress it strongly enough with me and follow through with making sure I actually sat down and watched it because I rolled through the first 3 episodes this weekend and HOLY FUCK I LOVE THIS FUCKING SHOW.

This show, not so much.

Taped from Richmond, VA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

The British Bulldog v. Bob Holly

Holly evades the Bulldog and puts him down with a slam and some clotheslines, and he works the arm to control. Bulldog escapes with a press slam and pounds away, but Holly counters the delayed suplex with a small package for two. Bulldog hits it on a second try and goes to the chinlock, but Holly fights out. Bulldog with a clothesline and legdrop for two, but Holly fights back with a dropkick for two. The ten punches in the corner get two. Holly goes up the middle rope, but gets caught in the powerslam and pinned at 5:08. Bulldog doesn’t come off as any kind of main event threat at this point and was basically booked like a midcarder, so it’s no wonder his PPV shots bombed. *1/2

Meanwhile, Bob Backlund wants to be God again and chicken-wing the plebians into submission. Now there’s an election campaign you don’t hear every day. Still not as crazy as the Tea Party or half the stuff Sean Morley posts to Facebook, amirite? Bob keeps ranting until the director literally holds up a sign saying “Go To Break” on camera and they cut off his mic.

Fatu v. The Brooklyn Brawler

Brawler uses his array of stomps to start, but Fatu makes a difference with an Ace Crusher and finishes with the flying splash at 1:20. Something something Kim Kardashian joke here.

Meanwhile, Bob Backlund procures the chicken-wing on the sound engineer. Never let it be said that Vince isn’t afraid to beat a dead horse into the ground and then dig up the corpse and lay another beating on it.

Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Dean Douglas

According to the WON, this was filmed at the end of the taping as a dark match and then repurposed into a TV match for whatever reason. Douglas attacks and uses the IC belt on Ramon to take control, but Razor catches him with a blockbuster slam and puts him on the floor. Back in, Ramon with an armbar, but Douglas goes to work on the back to take over. Vince notes that Dean is having back problems of his own, and in fact that injury brought his WWF career to an end for good soon after. And I think everyone was happier as a result. We take a break and return with Douglas going up with a flying bodypress, but Ramon rolls through for two. And then he just decides to finish this with the Razor’s Edge at 6:27. So unless he did something else notable between here and introducing Buddy Landell at the PPV, that’s how Douglas ended his WWF career, on the ass-end of getting squashed by Ramon. *1/2

Brother Love with King Mabel, as Love introduces Sir Mo, who is wheeling out a vandalized Undertaker casket for the match at the PPV.

Sid v. Marty Jannetty

Marty attacks to start and gets some offense on the mat, but Sid quickly pounds him down and slugs away in the corner. Blind charge hits boot and Marty fires off a Buff Blockbuster for two, and we take a break. Back with Sid destroying him with a clothesline to actually draw a face pop, and then he does it again because Marty flipping around like a gymnast was the one thing that could make Sid look good at this point. Sid with the chinlock and he tosses Marty, who flies over the top like he was shot out of a cannon. Never let it be said that Jannetty didn’t understand his role. This draws out the Kid to attack Jannetty, and Ramon makes the save, so the match is a wash at 7:11. You’d think Sid couldn’t possibly look any less motivated, but here we are. *

Next week: Bret Hart v. Bob Backlund…again.

We wrap things up with an interview with Dr. Unger, who is apparently Shawn’s personal physician. Is that personal physician like in the Dr. Zahorian sense? Apparently Shawn developed nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, slurred speech and depression. OK, but how would you know if he’s concussed? That just sounds like an average Saturday for Shawn at that point. Dr. Unger declares that Shawn is, medically speaking, brain-damaged and probably shouldn’t return to the ring. EVER. I gotta say, guys, this sounds pretty serious. So serious that Vince does a video essay about how we put our WWF superstars on a pedestal, but they’re really human beings who feel pain, just like us. Well, I mean, they’re not so human as to justify medical benefits to help with that pain or employee status so they can get outside health insurance. But they’re human, regardless.

This show sucks.

Comments

  1. Sons starts awesome, gets way more awesome for about three years, goes into a legit tailspin a for a couple years, and looks like it's pulling it together for a strong finish.

    And, you'll never believe this, but people die a lot.

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  2. Hey Scott. Sons gets very repetitive very quickly...you'll be screaming that Russo wrote some of the plots. I still watch just because I NEED to finish. First two seasons were cool tho

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  3. I read at the time in 96 that Dr Unger was indeed a pill pusher, and had something to do with Pillman's over prescribing. Idk tho

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  4. Hey scott how do I email u? Got some awesome questions (in my mind) that I need to ask u about

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  5. Dean had some token feud with Ahmed Johnson going on at this point, which was mostly confined to Superstars. And for some reason they gave him a "Board of Education" gimmick to use on jobbers after winning squashes, even though he was on his way out.

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  6. Virgil's Gimmick TableNovember 16, 2014 at 10:57 PM

    Quick TJ: Just thought I'd tell you guys Punk is on Talking Dead tonight.

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  7. Guess that seals it. He's coming back for Mania.

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  8. What PPV is the Eddie Guerrero/JBL blood bath from?

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  9. Judgement day 04 iirc

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  10. Xbox Gamertag: rspwfaq

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  11. SOA is more like The Shield than Oz, especially since SOA's creator was one of the main writers of The Shield and responsible for most of the gorey moments on that show.

    That said, the first season of SOA is hit or miss in my opinion. The show doesn't really find it's voice until season two, when Sutter finds gold in the formula of putting the club through living hell and upping the stakes of "what horrible thing will happen to the club this week".......

    That said, have you even watched "The Shield"?

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  12. If that's true then thank u

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  13. Season one of SOA is pretty shitty until the end save for about two episodes (the pilot and the one where the show provides us our first real moment of gore porn along with Opie's backstory). The formula of the SOA running around, doing as they please and Hale and the woman from Profiler being helpless against them gets tired after a while, that when Profiler does what she does, it's a relief to see someone stick it to the group for once and the fall-out from Profiler's actions sending the rest of the show down the road to hell that pretty much the remaining six seasons deal with.

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  14. Season three is the dry spot (due to Sutter stalling for time due to him trying to get FX to let him do location filming in Ireland, plus the death of a character who will remain nameless). Seasons four and five are pretty awesome though.

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  15. Ugh, the Ireland arc really dropped my interest in it, I just did not give a shit about that at all. S3 finale was legit though.

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  16. "ARROW", SCOTT, COME ON NOW!

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  17. No, he's just resolved the loose ends with the WWE regarding royalties and merch related shit. Still doesn't explain why his earlier talking dead appearance had him going by his real name, unless Punk decided to do it as a lark just to see how people would react since by all accounts, his 2011 contract allowed him to keep ownership of his wrestling name.

    That said, if he does come back, they need to find something for him to do and since he turned down working with HHH and Brock being off-limits to Roman Reigns and Cena to the Russian guy and Rock isn't coming back, there is not really anything left for him to do unless Danial Bryan is medically cleared and they stick him and Bryan in a meaningless mid-card match as filler. Which I doubt Punk would be willing to do.

    The only alternative is if they do Punk vs Austin and no way will HHH let that happen, since it would prove that Austin is more important/loved than HHH, what with all the crap HHH has done over the decade to basically steal credit from Austin as the one who saved the WWE during the monday night wars.

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  18. The Ireland arc was interesting; the problem was that they took too fucking long to get the group to Ireland. It was interesting seeing another samcro chapter, the way it fleshed out Chibb's backstory, and basically how it laid the foreshadowing for Clay's ultimate fate

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  19. You can also try PSN user: rspwfaq. Scott hangs on to the past like a mad cunt.

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  20. Clearly I wasn't obvious enough that my post was in jest.

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  21. The Shield broke up too early. Reigns isn't ready for his megapush yet.

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  22. OMG CM PUNK IS COMING BACK FOR WRESTLEMANIA!!!!!

    See that's how you do that.

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  23. "Something something Kim Kardashian joke here"

    Are you saying fatu photoshopped his ass as Rikishi?

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  24. I can't help but like you would have watched Sons of Anarchy IMMEDIATELY if they'd focused a lot less on telling you what you could be watching, and a lot more on the price point...

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  25. Clearly I have much to learn.

    Also, I'm now beginning all my comments with Clearly.

    Clearly.

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  26. Michael Chiklis is the only actor from The Shield not to make it onto SOA.

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  27. I got hooked on Sons of Anarchy around midway through the 1st season. So it's a good sign that you're already into it, and it hasn't even gotten good yet!

    Also, Jax from season 7 looks about 18 years older than Jax from season 1. I always laugh when I see old reruns. BABY JAX!

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  28. I did like the Irish version of the intro song during those episodes though.

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  29. The list of ailments Shawn was going through, "developed nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, slurred speech and depression", are, I'm pretty sure the same ones listed in the Zoloft commercials.

    Maybe this was all connected to his smile difficulties.

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  30. What's funny about Sons of Anarchy is that it apparently goes through the same phases as OZ, especially the whole "The last seasons sucks a fat cock" syndrome.

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  31. Never seen Oz, but I pretty much every SOA season has been "must see" for me. It's a different direction, but still awesome.

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  32. You mean like the typical Toronto Craptors fan #BEIBER!!!!!!

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  33. When he was on the live Nerdist from Comic-Con he was CM Punk also knowb as Phil Brooks. i imagine his Marvel comics will just be under the Phil Brooks namme. Also he needs a damn podcast himself.

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  34. He'll answer your rebooking the invasion e-mail in no time. or is it Montreal?

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  35. All i'll say is its Hamlet on Harleys and Opie= Ophelia. You're in for a treat.

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  36. Only seen 5 minutes here and there of Sons of Anarchy, but doesn't strike me as a show that's similar to Oz. Is there a lot of man rape on the show or something?

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  37. Game of Thrones is the correct answer. Can you believe Scott still hasn't seen that show yet?

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  38. About halfway through, sons of anarchy gets god fucking awful.

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  39. Actually, yes.

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  40. "Do you know what really grinds my gears..."

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  41. The last few minutes of the season three finale are just amazing. Awesome music, too.

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  42. That's how I felt about Heroes back in the day. Hated the show past season 2, but kept watching because of my OCD and not liking when things are left unfinished.

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  43. So when we saw one of the prags suck Vern's cock, it was really an allegory about the state of the show?

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  44. And when you say "only", brotha, you ain't lying! I once did a count of everyone who made appearances on both. I stopped when it went past 20.

    I've read Chiklis and Sutter have even talked about him making an appearance over the years but just never found a spot for it.

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  45. Also depends on your definition of "a lot". For me, any = a lot.

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  46. I mostly agree, but the season 3 finale is incredible. Also, I like the Ireland episodes more than most do.

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