LostInUbe writes: Wait, so IF the nWo had offered DDP a spot earlier he would have joined them? So his standing up to the nWo is not about supporting WCW but about his hurt feelings?
Of course he would have, and it would have been completely in character. Here’s the thing about DDP, he’s a *total* scumbag who would screw over anyone to better himself. But he needs to feel like the most important guy in the room. He had Kimberly dancing around the ring for years, holding up scores of “10” to remind him how great he was. He wouldn’t even hand over the worthless BattleBowl ring to Eddie Guerrero after a loss, even though it has absolutely NO value, because it’s a reminder that he was awesome one night in May. Everything is about Diamond Dallas Page.
By neglecting Page until 7 other guys joined, he was basically being told “you’re worth less to us than Virgil”. And that, by anyone’s standards, and especially an egomaniac like Diamond Dallas Page, is NOT ok. So by staying with WCW, he can still worry about himself because nobody else is working in simpatico anyway, making him nobody’s lackey. He would have done the same thing if WCW had come to him as Sting’s replacement for War Games.
Dr. Unlikely on Piper: I have distinct memories of watching the mysterious package stuff happen and just being completely thrown by how weird the whole thing was. Like, they played a whole music video by actor "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. A music video that contained a SECRET MESSAGE and was delivered by a mysterious courier who hopped the barrier and hand-delivered it to Tony Schiavone on live TV and they just went ahead and put it on, presumably (knowing what we're going to know on the next show) without anyone in the company previewing it first. It could have had a murder on it! It could have had a curse on it that made everyone who watched Nitro die in seven days!
So, let's assume that Piper sent this and that Tony - using his critical analysis skills as a telejournalist - was right that, what we were supposed to focus on was the Piper vs. Hogan marquee. Does that man Piper really had been angling for this for four years at this point, but this was the first opportunity to get that message to anyone? Or did Piper need to find a way to secretly deliver that message and was like "Oh, yeah, I got that weird-ass music video I randomly made that one time, got Hogan's name in it, I'll pay some guy to hop the rail and give it to Schiavone if security doesn't kill him first"?
It truly was mind-boggling how incredibly stupid the entire deal was. We are supposed to believe that a LIVE television show is prepared to show whatever’s on this tape, because it might be relevant to the product. But what happens if they put it in the VCR and hit play just as Ron Jeremy’s letting loose a seven roper all over TNT? That’s probably the second most likely thing on the tape. (Most likely: The mid-90’s equivalent of the YouTube Vlog, featuring the dude staring in the camera and awkwardly giving his “take” on the wrestling business.)
But then, because there were 4 or 5 shots of the Marquee Event at the start of the music video, the secret message was that Roddy Piper wanted a match with Hogan. Congratulations, you cracked the code. If they’d spent 5 minutes talking to him at any point during the last 25 years, they’d have reached the same conclusion. Piper was angling for a match with Hogan at Wrestlemania as recently as this year! He’s the real life equivalent of Sal Bandini, and he’ll be popping up in Hogan’s life until they’re 90 years old, asking “wanna wrestle?”
We all could have saved ourselves a world of embarrassment if Twitter had existed in 1996. Tony: “Fans, we’re taking you now to a ‘Tweet’ from Roddy Piper, which reads ‘at RealHulkHogan, Starrcade? Hashtag WCW Hashtag Piper’s Pit Hashtag I’m Your Man.’ Brain, it sounds like Roddy Piper wants Hollywood Hogan at Starrcade, and he’s telling us he’s the man. We’ll check in with the nWo later who I’m sure will have a lot to say, but first, let’s take you back to Saturday Night where Brad Armstrong’s date that was set up on ‘Tinder’ turned out to be a ruse by one M Wallstreet.”
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and the KOOL AID MAN. Sorry, that’s Dusty Rhodes. He’s speculatin’ about Sting’s face paint, they a different colah if you weel. With ANY hope, this means they’re completely abandoned the Piper angle after Monday’s atrocity. (Spoiler: Full steam ahead!)
“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. THE GAMBLER
Full-fledged riverboat Gambler tonight, AND he’s stolen that giant deck of cards from the Price Is Right! That’s dedication to one’s character! Duggan stomps around like an elephant with herpes, screaming and hollering the entire way. He pounds on the Gambler, while Dusty preps to filibuster about. Dusty says Gambler’s still lookin’ for his first trip to the pay windah, unfortunate for a man trying to keep himself in action. Duggan bites Gambler in the ear, but doesn’t get disqualified because WCW sucks. Nick Patrick wouldn’t have stood for it. A scoop slam leads to Duggan reaching around into the deepest part of his trucks, whipping out … a roll of tape. The referee isn’t having that, so Duggan tosses it to Gambler, who’s so confused that he gets nailed by the 3 Point Stance for the Duggan win at 2:30. Tony is all over patting Duggan on the back for not cheating. HOW DIDN’T HE CHEAT? He used the tape, an ILLEGAL OBJECT, to distract his opponent. Bruno Sammartino would be spinning on Frank Gotch’s grave! 1/2*
HUGH MORRUS vs. JIM POWERS (with Teddy Long)
Morrus is without the cavalry; but they’re probably preparing to defend the Leprechaun in his upcoming match with Jack Boot. Somehow, the WCW executive team took a look at tonight’s card, saw the name of Jim Powers, and didn’t immediately think “yes, this would be a good non-controversial place for Nick Patrick to referee.” It’s like they’re learning. Powers hits a scoop slam, but Morrus clotheslines and tosses him out of the ring. Powers comes back in and tries a crossbody, landing safely in the awaiting arms of Morrus who slams him with ease. Powers finds himself locked in a bear hug, and the HGH is literally being squeezed from his pores. He breaks loose, and goes to slam Morrus, who’s way too fat and falls on top for 2. Despite being well in control, Morrus cheats and chokes the man out. The referee keeps control, by giving Morrus 5 seconds to release. Even today’s modern non-violent parent shows less restraint. Powers mounts a comeback for like 3 seconds before being given the No Laughing Matter at 5:09. Tony’s excited to announce that Hugh Morrus will be in the Battle Royal at World War 3! *1/2
TONY SCHIAVONE (hey, I thought we had Gene back!) stands with JIMMY HART and KEVIN SULLIVAN. Hart is so happy he wants to kiss Tony (from which Tony hilariously backs away), because the Faces of Fear have been added to the World Tag-Team Title match! YES! *I* want to kiss Tony Schiavone! Meanwhile, Sullivan’s still grumbling about Benoit for some reason. Sullivan vows after they fight in Baltimore on a house show they are inexplicably hyping the crap out of, that one of them won’t be reporting to the PPV the next night. Benoit’s history says neither of them will.
HECTOR GUERRERO vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman)
So, Hector’s appearance on Monday wasn’t some sort of inside joke? He’s actually on WCW’s roster? Benoit of course was destroyed by the Dungeon of Doom Monday, and is a little tender tonight. NICK PATRICK referees inexplicably, he has no beef here. Hector takes full advantage, backdropping Benoit to the floor and then hitting a slingshot reverse plancha. They head back in, and Benoit’s fairly upset to be fighting a 3rd tier Guerrero, hitting a hard backdrop suplex and pounding away in the corner. Guerrero sneaks in a cradle, but can’t score the pin. Benoit chokes Hector across the ropes, but upon release he misses a blind charge. Hector flies off the top with a crossbody, and goes for an abdominal stretch but Benoit’s in the ropes quickly, throwing elbows. A powerbomb from Chris seconds later scores the pin at 3:18. Good stuff here. Tune in next week when Mondo Guerrero makes his debut. **
Benoit storms off to the back, and enters HUGH MORRUS’ dressing room. (Morrus has his own dressing room!?!?!) He destroys Morrus with broken brooms over his back, before what appears to be ICE TRAIN and KENNY KAOS attack, and get laid out immediately. Morrus screams violently, while everything is bleeped out.
JACK BOOT and HARDBODY HENDERSON vs. HIGH VOLTAGE
Kaos sure recovered fast. Hardbody Henderson? How will his twin brother Hardbody Harrison feel about this? Voltage kills both in short order, with Kaos nearly scoring the pin via Hart Attack, but the NASTY BOYS hit the ring and decide to wipe the floor with everyone at 1:20. Jack Boot should consider joining the State Patrol, there’s no way Buddy Lee Parker would have put up with this. DUD
Knobbs (correctly) reminds everyone they’re not wanted. Still, he hears the cheers of “NASTY”, so he thinks the fans still need them around. They made a mistake trusting his best friend, Hulk Hogan, but everyone makes mistakes, and they hope to earn everyone’s respect. They are coming across as butt hurt, vindictive, jilted ex-lovers, who turned their backs on all their friends for their possessive significant other, and once they were tossed to the curb (as everyone knew they WOULD be), they want their friends back. Careers – neutered.
Elsewhere, TONY SCHIAVONE is hanging out with JEFF JARRETT. He’s pissed at Sting for laying him out, and he feels like Sting has no reason to have beef because he’s the one who turned HIS back on WCW. He figures Sting can’t handle the truth, that he’s a traitor. Jarrett says everyone’s worried about Sting behind them – he thinks Sting needs to worry about Jeff Jarrett. Turning his attention to next Sunday; he’s going to beat the Giant and then win World War 3. Lofty goals.
JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. DEAN MALENKO (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)
Juvi gets more title shots than Wilt Chamberlain gets ladies. When he starts winning matches, this guy’s gonna hold every belt in the company. Juvi starts with the armdrags, which sends Dusty off his rocker, screaming about the Mothaship. Man, if one hurricanrana hits, he’s going to need to change his underoos. Juvi misses a springboard something, and gets nailed with a backdrop suplex. Malenko drops a knee and goes for a “whirleebirdy” (tm Dusty), but Juvi falls on top. Malenko quickly recovers and slams Juvi’s face to the buckle. Double underhook suplex gets 2. Tony says “Cable Ace Awards” about 700 times, reminding us they’re airing tonight. Malenko tries a suplex, but Juvi rolls through and gets 2. Nearly a trip to the pay windah! Malenko misses a blind charge, and Juvi hits a springboard missile dropkick, drops the Mexican People’s Elbow, and gets 2. Dean jumps to the apron, and Juvi punches him to the floor. He goes for a springboard, botches it, heads up a second time, and hits the plancha, while Malenko stands there staggering the entire time. Back in, 360 splash gets 2! They brawl to the top rope, where Malenko wins with a super gutbuster, and scores the pinfall at 6:10. **1/2
ALAN SHARPE is here tonight! NICK PATRICK with his neck brace want a word with TONY SCHIAVONE. Before we get anywhere though, Tony blindsides them with appearances from CHRIS JERICHO and TEDDY LONG. Long says that Patrick has cost Jericho every match he’s wrestled on Nitro for weeks. And, since Sharpe did some digging into Teddy’s past the other day, he went poking into his business. Starting with the fact his law firm is called Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. Sharpe reminds everyone that Jericho’s father was a hockey goon, just like Jericho. Jericho angrily states this has nothing to do with his father. Long says Jericho could beat up Patrick with one hand behind his back at any time. Sharpe says that’s a verbal contract, and Jericho’s fine with that, because he knows he can beat him. Patrick says he feels like the Real Deal Holyfield, and his neck is starting to feel just a little bit better.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. THE CHEETAH KID
I’m fairly certain Iaukea’s under the hood tonight. Not that it matters, NICK PATRICK is the referee, and his good friend Page never loses. Except, something weird happens. The fans actually start a “Dee Dee Pee!” chant. They seemingly don’t want him to go to the nWo, it’s like his strong booking, confidence, and charisma is winning them over. Cheetah tries some sort of single leg crab, but Page fires back with a gutbuster and struts around taunting “come here pussy cat!” Cheetah hits a snapmare, and dropkicks Page to the apron. A springboard dropkick sends Page crashing, but Cheetah’s subsequent Asai misses and he hits the grill. Page drags him back in, but pulls Cheetah up at 2. Why? Because he wants to hit the Diamond Cutter, which he does, at 3:50. “Divide, and conquer! GOOD GAWD!” *
TONY SCHIAVONE confronts Page on his way back to the locker room, first buttering him up as a strong battle royal competitor since he won Battlebowl in May. Regarding the nWo, Tony wants to know where he’s at. Page is pissed because Nash insinuated his friendship with Bischoff went above the nWo. Page says he never wound have tipped Bischoff about the nWo and their business, because his relationship with Hall and Nash is different than his friendship with Bischoff. He says once he wins World War 3, it’s him and Hogan, and then he’ll see what Hall and Nash want to do at that time.
THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS vs. BOBBY EATON and CHAVO GUERRERO JR.
For the first time since their arrival in WCW, the Canadians get the entirety of the National Anthem, which Tony talks ALL over because he has no class. NICK PATRICK is assigned again. I hope Bobby Eaton regrets his decision to turn on Dave Taylor. This cannot be considered a step up, no matter how many Guerrero family members Chavo has at his disposal. The Canadians use all their fantastic double team moves, 100% of which involve Rougeau throwing Ouellette around like a cannonball. “Vive la Quebec!” screams Jacques, which in fact is a heat magnet in every Canadian province aside from the chain smoking capital of the world. Ouellette hits Chavo with a top rope legdrop during a giant shmozz, and Rougeau follows with a double leg slam. Quebec Crash scores the easy win at 3:50, which was the same length as the last match. It’s like the matches are predetermined or something. *1/2
Meanwhile, on nWo Saturday Night, tonight’s featured competitors are …
Weight: 242 lbs.
Hometown: Leevittsburg, OH
Pro Record: 38 & 30
Wrestling Fashion Plate 1984
Richie’s Place Guzzling Champ
Hometown: Gregory, SD
Pro Record: 27-17
Green Wrestler Award 3 yrs.
Tri State Grappler of the Year ‘91
We’re warned to look out for Costello’s flashy tights. Your ring announcer is TED DIBIASE, who announces this match is for the WCW world tag-team titles, sanctioned by WCW. DOCTOR X is your referee. Your announcers are SCOTT HALL and KEVIN NASH. Nash worries about Shane’s ability to adjust to the left coast time change.
BRIAN COSTELLO and JACK SHANE vs. THE OUTSIDERS (with the Giant and Syxx) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)
Doctor X pats down the Outsiders for illegal objects, sounding a LOT like Nick Patrick, but it can’t be as he’s not in a neck brace. Nash and Hall gush over the “history, tradition, and pride” of the belts, which are falling apart and kept together by tape. Hall chops away, as Nash announces “that’ll leave a mark, especially on THAT white skin!” Nash tags in, and keeps the stick, even calling his own sidewalk slam. Hall: “Give him the snake eyes big man!” And so he does, with Hall finishing with a clothesline. Nash throws Shane to the corner to force him to tag out, because Nash wants to work over Costello. Hall loves the yellow and green tights, and gets the tag. Hall: “In comes Hall!” Nash feels the bleached hair doesn’t work in 1996 wrestling arenas, but congratulates him for trying. Nash hits a big boot, and Hall wants an Outsider Bomb. Nash delivers, and Hall can’t believe Costello still has hair on his chest. Shane jumps over to get involved, and canned heat from the empty arena boos mercilessly. Hall flattens him with the Outsiders Edge, and the Outsiders retain at 4:41.
PSYCHOSIS vs. “LORD” STEVEN REGAL (for the WCW world television title)
Regal, always the gentleman, wipes his shoes on the apron so as not to soil the ring. I’m torn here, I don’t know what to do. I love both of these men. Can’t they each have a TV title? I think that’s the only way to go here. It worked for Jericho and Chyna, right? We get some chain wrestling, including a test of strength which Regal loses. Penzer announces there’s only 3 minutes left in television time. What the hell is that??? Both guys rock back and forth, trading 2 counts. Regal pokes Psychosis in the eyes, but I’m not quite sure how. European uppercuts, delivered at a force of roughly 0.75 Dave Taylors. Regal drops Psychosis “on a very vital part of his anatomy” says Dusty. I’ll let you guess which one, but you’d probably be wrong. Regal tries to rip the horns off Psychosis’ head, before giving up and going to the butterfly suplex. Regal smartly recognizes that time is ticking, and locks Psychosis in a chinlock. He releases, and schoolboys the challenger for 2. With 40 seconds to go, Psychosis gets a rollup for 2. However, Regal nails a European uppercut. With seconds left, Psychosis hits a spinning heel kick, connects with the guillotine legdrop, and time runs out at 5:23. ** Yes, you read that right. And even though we’re out of TV time …
TONY SCHIAVONE still finds time to talk to his Lordship. We were so robbed here, I’m not happy. Regal says he’s the only champion left in WCW, and he’s ready to lead them. He could even make Piper sound sedated if they let him. He feels he could show Dean Malenko how to beat Psychosis at the pay-per-view, but without his help he has no chance. And when Psychosis wins, he’ll take the title away from him too, and prove he’s the greatest. You don’t need to prove it to me, Lord Steven.
I’d like to point out we ran out of TV time about 5 minutes ago, but APPARENTLY we can re-live the package delivery and subsequent Piper music video from 1992. Priorities! And I stupidly sit here and watch it, rocking back and forth like a catatonic in-patient unable to look away. He’s a full load, it’s why they call him Hot Rod. I’m going to be ill.
And STILL, enough time remains for Hogan’s response! There are days this company lives to drive me insane, and even 18 years later, I can still get as aggravated as ever. Please, Worldwide, save me!