Mark Sanchez? Kyle Orton? Brandon Weeden? Either these are the names of some faceless WCW jobbers, or I’ve stepped backwards in time into bad quarterback hell, and Michael Vick’s smiling face is awaiting me at the doorstep. What the hell is happening here?
Oh, were you expecting a pay-per-view? I’m sorry, we have one more show to slog through. I can’t just up and ignore WCW Worldwide, what if something important were to happen? I think it would be irresponsible of me to overlook the fact that at any moment on this show, the nWo could attack, Randy Savage might make a major announcement, or Harlem Heat might wrestle Rough and Ready for the 8th time in the last 3 months.
But we’re actually joined in progress!
KEVIN SULLIVAN and KONNAN (with Maxx and Jimmy Hart) vs. JOHNNY BOONE and JOHN PETERSON
THE LEPRECHAUN is already gnawing at the jobbers when we arrive, while Sullivan’s got the other one half way up the Disney staircase. Konnan hits Boone with Splash Mountain, and sends him to the outside of the ring. Back in, he powerbombs Boone a second time, getting the win with a tequila sunrise at 2:11. I do think Boone and Peterson have potentially actually; but I want them to play up a hooker fetish and call themselves “The Johns”. This could work. 1/2*
Our hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN, reporting from the dark because it’s Halloween. Heenan has a skeleton blow up doll, which he is using as imagery to explain what Savage will do to Hogan. I appreciate using traditional literary devices in ones televised commentary.
JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. EDDIE GUERRERO
Tony declares Juvi one of the top contenders to the Cruserweight title. How? All this guy gets is title shots, but he never wins *anything*. I don’t expect this to get any better. NICK PATRICK is your referee, once again without neck brace or evil goatee because nobody watches this show anyway. The fans are promised free Disney memories in the form of Pluto buttons if they chant for Eddie Guerrero, and they do so in earnest. Tony spends the bulk of the match explaining that Guerrero is different than Guerrera, because we’re all morons. Eddie hits a nice slingshot senton, before Juvi kills him with a short clothesline. A top rope rana sets up a big legdrop, but he is NOT Hulk Hogan, (nor Mexico’s Hulk Hogan), and it only gets 2. A springboard 360 corkscrew gets 2. Juvi won’t let up, now with a brainbuster, but Patrick counts slowly for 2. Tony tries to explain the Nick Patrick thing, by saying he feels better tonight and has decided to go without the neck brace. Juvi goes for a swinging rana, but winds up smacking his head on the mat (which Eddie sells anyway, cuz he’s a pro). Eddie finally cuts him off on the top rope, and nails the superplex to set up the Frog Splash and score the win at 4:11. Great stuff. ***
RON STUDD vs. RICK STEINER
Studd had better pray that Fit Finlay doesn’t have any tough Irish family members willing to fight on his behalf, because his arrogant continued flaunting of Finlay’s music which he ripped off his dead body when he killed him on a European tour is downright despicable. A big boot knocks down Steiner, but he comes right back with a chop block to knock down the big man. The top rope bulldog hits, which I THOUGHT was his move, but instead he follows with an exploding clothesline for the win at 1:29. It’s no worry to Studd, who goes back to plotting the secret death of other European scrubs. Hey, has anyone seen Steve Regal since he won the TV title? I don’t like this at all. DUD
DISCO INFERNO vs. REY MISTERIO JR. (in a non-title match)
Look, I’m not confused, WCW is confused, and I just spell the names the way THEY spell the names. Dollars to donuts says he gets his Y back at the PPV. It seems counter-productive for Rey to be wrestling just hours before his big title defense against Malenko, but that’s how they did it in the old days. 5 days a week, twice on Saturdays, twice on Sundays, and 1 hour Broadway draws in every stop around the horn. Of course, if this goes an hour it might be the funniest, and most unbearable match of all time (through no fault of Rey Jr.) A swinging neckbreaker gives Disco the advantage, and he dumps Rey to the outside giving him ample room to shake his booty. Back in, Rey beats Disco in the ropes and hits a guillotine legdrop with Disco hanging upside down – yikes. Disco is so upset that he hits a powerbomb, and dances, causing Heenan to throw a fit. Then he goes for the pin and PULLS REY UP. What the HELL man? This is the champion, and he’s being made to look like a chump! Rey of COURSE comes back with a springboard double leg dropkick, and finishes with the Frankensteiner at 3:14, but it doesn’t matter because he should have lost to DISCO INFERNO on WCW WORLDWIDE. Just oh my Christ. **
JERRY LYNN vs. CHRIS BENOIT
I get the feeling there’s a group of guys somewhere in a production truck who live to make themselves laugh, and are in charge of music assignments, because Jerry Lynn is gifted the same music they would one day recycle for Jerry Flynn. I’m on to you, WCW G-show producers. NICK PATRICK is once again your official. Tony talks about Benoit and his “long time tag-team partner” Mongo. Just no. Benoit slams Lynn’s face into the ring post, and drags him back to the middle of the ring. A clothesline with a little extra mustard drop young Jerry, while Heenan suggests he go home and listen to his mother Loretta’s CDs and stop wrestling. Benoit slams Lynn by the back of the head (via a hairpull which Patrick sees, and warns Chris about). That seems to fire the kid up, who hits a swinging rana. Benoit tries a short powerbomb, but Lynn rolls through for 2. A second attempt at a Frankensteiner is swatted away, and this time Benoit hits the powerbomb. The swandive is delivered, and Benoit gets an easy win at 3:45. We’ve had some quality stuff tonight. **1/2
DEAN MALENKO vs. CHRIS JERICHO
WILDCAT WILLIE is marching to Malenko’s music on the spinning ring, which I likely find far funnier than it actually is. This seems like far too big a match for this lousy show, but then we might be seeing a tapering off of Jericho’s push since he’s shown absolutely no personality to this point. Jericho sweeps out Malenko’s legs, which just serves to annoy Dean. Malenko takes over with a fireman’s carry, and starts working over Jericho’s arms. Tony laughably calls these two a “couple of youngsters”, but he might be referring to Jericho and referee Randy Eller. Jericho hits an enzuigiri and follows with a jumping spin kick to send Malenko to the floor, where he worries about things like his prostate and social security. Back in, he wraps Jericho in a surfboard, and Chris screams for mercy. He won’t tap out, mostly because his arms are being yanked out of their sockets. A side suplex drops Jericho on his head, but he gets his foot on the ropes to save himself from the 3. Jericho mounts a small comeback, but gets poked in the eyes, and locked in a reverse chinlock. Jericho stands up with Malenko still hanging on, so Jericho falls backwards force a break. Dean drops his knee on the back of Jericho’s thigh about 840 consecutive times. A couple of corner clotheslines crosses Jericho’s eyes, but Malenko leaps on the apron and Jericho decks him. He follows with a slingshot shoulderblock to keep Dean on the outside. Malenko gets back in and hits Jericho with a pretty vicious forearm smash right in the mush, but Jericho kicks out at 2. Jericho throws a bunch of back elbows, and hits a spinning heel kick. A German is held with a bridge, but Malenko barely escapes at 2! Things are moving fast and furious, as Jericho goes for a dropkick, but he misses and Malenko tries the Cloverleaf. Jericho packages him for 2! Off the top, Jericho hits a crossbody, Malenko rolls through and holds the tights, and scores the victoryat 7:38. Oh … my … god, that was freakin’ AWESOME. I can’t believe there’s probably only about 3 people who’ve ever seen this, because they rocked the Casbah. ****
Next week, Dave Taylor is here! Juventud Guerrera kicks at the can again! DDP and Eddie Guerrero also do battle, so don’t bother ordering Halloween Havoc.
Back to the graveyard, with one last chance to sell Halloween Havoc, Tony talks about … Elizabeth. Heenan orders Savage to handle WCW business at Halloween Havoc and to stop paying attention to her. I could NOT agree more.
And we’ll find out if he does, next.