by Logan Scisco
-A video package recaps Steve Austin crashing Vince McMahon’s championship ceremony last week and Kane and the Undertaker’s subsequent attack on McMahon.
-Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler are doing commentary and they are taped from East Lansing, Michigan.
-Opening Contest for the European Championship: D-Lo Brown (w/Mark Henry) beats X-Pac (Champion w/Chyna) with a Lo Down to win the title at 5:18:
D-Lo earned this title shot by winning the six man, four corner elimination match on last week’s show. A minute into the match, Chyna is served another legal summons and Henry laughs at her. This match has a unique formula, as D-Lo dominates in the early going and X-Pac stages his comeback, not getting a shine at the beginning. D-Lo fakes a knee injury and that enables Henry to catch X-Pac’s pescado attempt, ram him into the post, and roll him into the ring where D-Lo captures the European title for the second time. Rating: ** (1 for 1)
-Vince McMahon is shown yelling at a nurse at an undisclosed medical facility.
-The Oddities are shown playing touch football with the Insane Clown Posse for some reason.
-Please buy Stridex and get these Triple H posters! They have been shilling this since June.
-In the new feud no one cares about, the Headbangers call out the Insane Clown Posse and beat them down with a chair until the Oddities literally walk out to make the save. 1 for 2
-Footage of Steve Austin cutting off Vince McMahon’s satellite feed on Sunday Night Heat is shown.
-Call 815-734-1161 to get your Steve Austin 3:16 baseball jersey for $39 (plus $9 shipping & handling)!
-Ross and Lawler fill time talking about the outcome of the Breakdown main event and the events that took place between the main players on last week’s show.
-McMahon grows irate at the medical facility when Mankind barges in. He does not care for the balloons or candy that Mankind brings him or Yurple the Clown. The segment is notable because Mankind debuts Mr. Socko here. McMahon’s disgusted “Mr. Socko” at the end still cracks me up. 2 for 3
-Check out Pacific Blue this week as Sable goes to a female prison facility!
-Sable comes out to do commentary for the next match and Tori, her yet to be named obsessed fan, stands behind her in the crowd.
-“Marvelous” Marc Mero (w/Jacqueline) beats Vader with Marvelocity at 4:12:
Sable lets us know that she wants the women’s title because she now wants to be a serious wrestler “in this business!” This is a match that I would have enjoyed in 1996, 1998 not so much. Vader dominates the action, but Jacqueline tries to interfere and that distraction leads to a low blow and a Mero win. Rating: ¾* (2 for 4)
-Jacqueline calls out Sable after the match and cheap shots her after Mero causes a distraction. Jacqueline cuts a chunk out of Sable’s hair and carries it off like a trophy.
-Steven Regal, a “Real Man’s Man” is shown making orange juice with his bare hands.
-Owen Hart is scheduled to face Edge, but he walks out in street clothes and apologizes for hurting Dan Severn last week. Fighting off tears, he leaves, so Edge wins by forfeit.
-Steve Austin’s Zamboni attack last week is the 10-0-321 Rewind segment.
-Michael Cole catches up with Owen Hart who is leaving the arena. Owen says “It’s over” and keeps walking. I wish it had been.
-Ken Shamrock beats Kane with a super powerslam off the top rope at 7:10:
Shamrock starts with some smart offense by targeting Kane’s leg, but his hurricanrana is countered into a powerbomb and Kane slows this down to a crawl. The Undertaker comes out for no reason and his interference causes Kane to get crotched when trying a flying clothesline and Shamrock scores the win. These two had very little chemistry. Rating: ½* (2 for 5)
-Val Venis and Terri Runnels are shown having fun backstage.
-Val Venis (w/Terri Runnels) defeats Gangrel (w/Christian) by count out at 2:38:
Ross is all over the place calling this match, confusing Gangrel and Edge and calling Christian “Christopher.” Two minutes in, Edge confronts Christian at ringside, but Gangrel attacks him from behind and gives him a DDT. Gangrel and Christian do a beatdown, but that causes Gangrel to get counted out.
-Venis and Terri celebrate in the ring when Goldust’s old usher from 1995 shows up and gives Venis a gold envelope. Venis is shocked at the contents and Goldust invites him to his premiere next week on RAW.
-Steve Austin interrogating Shane McMahon on Heat and then having a staredown with the Rock is shown.
-McMahon demands a new nurse and a painkiller.
-Al Snow (w/Head) beats “Double J” Jeff Jarrett by disqualification when Commissioner Slaughter interferes at 4:15:
Jarrett appears to be the latest hired gun of Commissioner Slaughter to go after Snow. They put together a decent match, but Slaughter shakes the ropes when Snow goes to the top rope and the referee calls for the bell. How can Slaughter not overrule that as commissioner? Rating: *½ (2 for 6)
-The Road Dogg (w/X-Pac) defeats Mark Henry (w/D-Lo Brown) after X-Pac gives Henry an X-Factor at 3:36:
The Road Dogg takes a swipe at Billy Gunn by bringing out a blow up doll dressed as him. Lawler reveals that Henry is suing Chyna for sexual harassment, which is why she has been receiving legal summons. Chyna makes a predictable appearance late in the match and that distraction allows X-Pac to get revenge for earlier in the evening. Rating: * (2 for 7)
-We get yet another recap of last week’s events.
-Steve Austin, dressed as a nurse, attacks McMahon at the medical facility. He beats on his leg, hits him over the head with a bedpan, shocks him with a defibrillator, and then shoves an enema up his rectum as the camera fades to black. McMahon’s screaming and facial expressions made this segment. 3 for 8
-The Undertaker pins the Rock after a Tombstone on a chair at 13:10:
The Rock hopes that D-Lo Brown and Mark Henry can watch his back for this match, but they are too intimidated by Kane, who walks out a few minutes into the bout, and head to the locker room. The Rock probably gets head with Kevin Dunn by not doing the People’s Elbow facing the hard camera and Earl Hebner gets bumped in the corner moments later. Kane blasts the Undertaker with a chair, but Hebner isn’t there to count the fall and the Undertaker does the zombie situp and wins. This had some slow parts in the beginning, but it got hot at the end. Rating: **½ (4 for 9)
The Final Report Card: This was one of those RAW’s that felt like it took four hours to sit through. The McMahon hospital segments were the highlight of the show and the main event was one of the better Rock-Undertaker matches on record. Still, a thumbs down effort this week because it was such a chore to get to the good stuff.
Monday Night War Rating: 4.55 (vs. 4.5 for Nitro)
Show Evaluation: Thumbs Down