Monday, December 29, 2014

BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Without an office, GM Bayless is with Assistant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray and the Franchise Player of the Administration, Bill Ray, chilling in the hallway. Bayless looks terrified as he peeks around the corner where his office is located and sees the Riverdale Covenant playing Jax. He then looks around and delivers a brief message:

"Tonight, we will start the BoD Rumble Qualifying matches. But first, here are five names that have already qualified that will join Hoss and Bill Ray:

Parallax
The Fuj
Cultstatus
Jef Vinson

and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The GM looks around as he does not want the Covenant to hear him but they are heavily focused on their game of Jax.)"



A++ Timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, comes out with two trophies in each hand and the Western Ottawa Masoners Person of the Year (WOMPY) Award around his neck. He gives the trophies to his assistant, Blake Littlehand, who puts them on the table. This brings Mister E Mahn's trophy count to 47. Lets take a look at his desk:





Before we begin, lets get some New Years Resolutions from our BoD Superstars:


Hoss: IN 2015, I PROMISE TO HURT MORE PEOPLE AND EAT MORE ICE CREAM. 
Biff Kensington: And I promise to finance all of this (Biff & Hoss then laugh in unison)


Beard Money: I promise not to let that big ol' meanie Hoss bother grannie anymore. 


DBSM: I promise not to lose the C-List Championship
Harvey Grant: And I promise to work on my free throws................Nah, I am just kidding! (Rest of the C-List Posse laugh then leave to go to Dave & Buster's. 

"Marvelous" Matt Perri: I promise to make sure Stranger in the Alps never appears on BoD RAW ever again (Miss Danielle then mockingly sprays "mist" around as they both laugh)

Parallax: (Neglects to talk and instead curbstomps two people walking by)



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
"Mr. WCW" Chris F-B vs. Dock Muraco

Before the match, Muraco gave Mr. WCW a stack of New Japan Pro Wrestling DVD's, telling him to stop watching the Barbarian wrestle in sub *** matches. Muraco starts by backing Mr. WCW into the corner then slaps him across the chest. Mr. WCW fights back and hammers away. He hits a flying shoulder tackle that sends Muraco through the ropes! Muraco gets up and his angry as the fans are chanting for non puroresu wrestling. Muraco gets back in and wants to engage in a battle of chops but Mr. WCW ducks and hits an atomic drop that has Muraco furious. He yells at the fans some more but that allows Mr. WCW to roll him up and he gets the win! Muraco gets up and starts kicking the ropes, screaming about the fans not appreciating ****+ matches. He then puts on his "I'd Rather be Watching the G1 Climax Than Touch a Woman" T-Shirt before leaving.



Not everyone in the BoD had a good holiday. For some, the struggles of life overcome the joy the Holiday season brings. Here is how Tommy Hall spent his Christmas Eve.

(Standing in line at Panera Bread in a plain white-t and torn Champion sweatpants, Tommy approaches the counter to place his order with Juanita)

Tommy: I would like a pick two of broccoli cheddar soup and a Bacon Turkey Bravo sandwich
Juanita: Mr. Hall, do you have money for this. 
Tommy: (anxious) Yes. (Pulls out pieces of blue paper)
Juanita: Mr. Hall, we cannot take your e-book money. It is illegitimate currency. 
Tommy: (Sadly puts the money away) Can I pay you back tomorrow? Its Christmas
Juanita: Mr. Hall, I have to ask my manager. (Juanita goes out back to ask Ted, the manager. Ted says no way. Juanita tries to plead but Ted says "fuck him" in regards to Tommy and his hunger for Panera). Mr. Hall, my manager said no. 
Tommy (head hangs down) Okay (Tommy walks out of the store and heads to the back. He sees an employee toss a few loafs of bread into the dumpster. Tommy waits for the employee to go inside thne reaches in and takes out the bread. He cuts it in half and eats one half then with the other he splits it open in an attempt to make a sandwich. Realizing that he has no filling, Tommy reaches into his pocket and pulls out some more illegitimate currency in the form of his e-book dollars and puts it between the slices. He then proceeds to eat an e-book dollar sandwich behind the Panera Bread as the lights go off, with the store closing. 



Backstage, Hart Killer is with our very own TPrincess as he cuts a promo on Kaptain Kiwi:

Hart Killer: Kiwi, you whine so much and your hair is so greasy that you probably have three brothers named Smith, Keith, and Bruce. And Kiwi, on January 5th when I defend my BoD Solid B+ Player Championship against you, Mr. Garea will be so ashamed that he will hang himself from the nearest Kiwi tree. Or even worse, attend a Calgary Hitmen hockey game. And after I beat you Kiwi, I am going to snap the back of Mr. Garea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Andy PG vs. Tommy Hall

Hall has been depressed since his entire throwback collection got repossessed by Mitchell and Ness. The match starts with Andy gaining the advantage, rather easily I must say. Andy hits a dropkick that sends Hall to the floor. Hall slowly gets up but gets nailed with a baseball slide. Andy rolls Tommy back inside but gets caught with an uranage as Hall takes control. Hall methodically works on the neck of Andy but misses an elbow drop that allows Andy to regain control. Andy trips up Tommy then whips him into the corner and follows with a clothesline that sets up a full nelson slam for the win. I dont think Tommy even tried to kick out of that one. Andy is going to the BoD Rumble match for a second straight year.



Backstage, GM Bayless and what is left of his administration steak out the Covenant, who have overtaken the GM's office. Pee Wee is being his usual rascal self as Hot Dog and Reggie are still playing Jax. #1 Fan and Garth Holmberg are having some lemonade as Nebb28 is chilling with his pet rock. Bayless looks over at Gray and Ray and says that he needs to think of a plan to retake control of his office, as if the others realize he is powerless, their will be anarchy and the schedule will not be followed.



And now, let's see what happened at the Job Mob Mansion Christmas Party:

(At the Job Mob mansion, Barlow & Munson are cleaning up drinks, straws, and everything else. Jobber is watching Clash of the Champions XXI on the WWE Network next to a pile of cocaine, ecstasy, and beer)

Zanatude: (With all of the 6-Man tag belts in his possession) Hey champ, shouldnt you be training for your Championship match at the BoD Rumble?
Jobber: Yeah man, I am. (Snorts a line of coke) You think I have to train to take on Abeyance?
Zanatude: All I know is that the way he posts, he can obviously rise above Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 
Jobber: What a threat! (They both laugh)
Murph: (Wakes up from a drunken haze) Fuck man, you know who I wanna take out? That fucking Adam Curry. Fuck him and Colorado. 
Jobber: Isn't he from New York?
Murph: Upstate?
Jobber: Haha, he is poor. I bet he cannot afford to make his guacamole. (Everyone laughs as to not upset the champ)
Murph: Fuck him, I am taking him out. Him and the other ones too. 
Zanatude: Murph, aren't you from upstate New York too?
Jobber: What does it matter? The Job Mob are not poor white trash. These two assholes (points at Barlow & Munson) certainly are though. (Murph dope slaps them as they walk by). 
Murph: Yeah, and I heard from Bayless that we have to defend the 6-Man Titles on the first edition of BoD RAW in 2015 against Warne, Curry, and Cabs. 
Jobber: Just win. Doesnt matter how. This isnt the Boy Scouts
Zanatude: Yeah, that shit is for Abeyance. 
Murph: I bet Abeyance says please and obeys traffic signals too. (Job Mob laugh in unison)
Jobber: Yeah, speaking of Abeyance, let me get back to my training (pulls out 3 foot bong then yells for Barlow to light it for him. After Barlow lights it, Murph boots him down from behind as the Job Mob all laugh)



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
thebraziliankid vs. Night 81

TBK stretches out but Night attacks him from behind. Night pulverizes TBK in the corner then tosses him to the floor. Night follows out and connects with an elbow smash then whips TBK into the guardrail. The action heads back into the ring as Night puts TBK in a chinlock. The crowd rallies behind the youngster as somewhere in the back a few BoD'ers make jokes about getting behind the TBK's aunt. Night breaks the hold then gets nearfalls with a backbreaker and a spinebuster. Night heads up top but TBK rolls away from a senton as both men are down. Night gets up first but TBK starts hammering away. TBK bounces off of the ropes and comes back with a clothesline. TBK follows with a Shining Wizard that gets two. TBK heads up top and busts of a hurricarana! He covers but that only gets two. TBK goes to pick up Night but gets caught with a thumb to the eye. Night tries a reverse rollup but that gets blocked. TBK charges but runs into a back elbow smash. Night tries to pick up TBK for a Michinoku Driver but TBK floats over then connects with a spinning heel kick. TBK then runs up top and hits the Sky Twister Press for the win. TBK is going to the BoD Rumble, folks!



Backstage, Magoonie & Nick Piers are talking. Steve Ferrari phoned in that he is tired from the Saratoga Springs Shuffleboard Tournament and will not be attending the show tonight. The Upper Midcard Express then walk by and have something to say:

kbjone: So, where is Mr. Ferrari? Is he not here? Do you guys have to use your low midcard salary and chip in for your Yaris together?
Petuka: Does the Yaris protect you from the dangers of the road? Or even a PETUKA BAZOOKA! PETUKA BAZOOKA!
Piers: Even if Ferrari is too busy with his new gig as a multimedia star, I have been cleared to wrestle and in two weeks, we will take you on for your belts, regardless of who is here. 
kbjone: (laughs) that is cute. How about My Goonie? What does he think about this?
Magoonie: (Looks straight at kbjone then slaps him across the face. The Midcard Mafia leaves as UMX is now pissed off). 



Lets hear some more New Years Resolutions From Your BoD Superstars


Joe Dust: I promise to teach when I am not booked for the show. I will give the gift of education to all of the youngsters. 

Mar Solo: I promise to brew more coffee! I promise to buy more coffee! I promise to drink more coffee! I promise to drink bolder cofee!
Matt Indeed: I promise to bang more chicks in my Chrysler Lebaron (Both guys in Unison now: "STRIKE FORCE!!!!!!"

Biscuit: I promise to save more money and wrestle more shows

theberzerker:HUSS!!!!!!!!!.....................................HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!................................HUSS!!!!

Jef Vinson: I don't promise. I guarantee. My guarantee is that I win the BoD Rumble then walk out of BoD Mania as the champion



TLC Match
Parallax vs. Cultstatus

Parallax attacks Cultstatus during the entrance as he snuck out of the crowd. Parallax sends Cult into the barricade then stomps away. Parallax grabs a chair and starts using it to beat the shit out of Cult. Parallax tosses the chair into the crowd as they are all going mental. Backstage, the camera cuts to The Fuj watching on the backstage monitor. Parallax drags Cult towards the ring and puts him in front of the apron. Parallax then heads up the aisle and charges down but Cult greets him with a big boot. Parallax is down as Cult is now in control. Cult rams Parallax into the post then tosses him over the announcers table. Cult works over Parallax then brings him inside before sliding in a table. Cult places the table in the corner but Parallax dodges that and slides outside after an Irish whip. Jef Vinson now is shown watching on the monitor as Cult and Parallax are brawling at ringside. Cult sends Parallax over the guardrail with a clothesline. He goes over but Parallax super kicks him and he falls down. Parallax slingshots over the guardrail and leg drops Cult. Parallax then sets up a ladder but that took too long and allowed Cult the chance to get up and toss Parallax down. Cult picks up the ladder and rams it into the back of Parallax. Cult picks up Parallax and slams him down on the table. Cult climbs up the ladder and goes for an elbow drop and that puts him through the table! The ref runs outside and counts but Parallax kicks out just in time. Cult is banged up too but more pissed that Parallax kicked out. Cult gets up slowly and rolls Parallax inside. Cult slides in another ladder and a chair as he uses that go target the back of Parallax. Cult tries for the jackknife but Parallax manages to counter that with a sunset flip for two. Cult goes after Parallax, who punches back. Parallax slowly regains control of the match. Parallax hits a Death Valley Driver on Cult but that does not put him away. Parallax then uses the chair and dropkicks it into the face of Cult as that gets two. Parallax now signals for the curbstomp as he measures up Cult. He attempts the move but that gets blocked. However, Parallax grabs a chair and whacks Cult in the face that sends him through the ropes. Parallax tosses Cult near the table that was placed outside knees him in the face repeatedly as Cult is now hunched over the table. Parallax then looks up at the giant ladder and starts to climb. He is signaling for a curbstomp, from  the 15 foot ladder!!! Parallax is up and he leaps but while in midair Cult pushes himself up from the table and powerbombs Parallax through the table as it smashes to smithereens. Cult then puts himself on top of Parallax as the referee counts to three as Cultstatus gets his win back from Parallax. Medics are checking on Parallax as Vinson and Fuj are watching from backstage. Fuj turns around and smirks as he walks away, with Vinson looking somewhat concerned himself.


SEE YOU IN 2015!!!!!!!!!!





26 comments:

  1. Theberzerker! HUSS!December 29, 2014 at 9:19 PM

    HUSSY HUSSMAS! HUSSY HUSS YEAR!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sexy Flexy Biff KensingtonDecember 29, 2014 at 9:20 PM

    A Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year's, and a Fuck Your Mother from Kensington Enterprises!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, I didn't want to be in the rumble anyway. I got a hot date with TBK's aunt that night...

    ReplyDelete
  4. huss
    Huss
    HUSS
    HUSS!
    HUSS!!
    HUSS!!!
    U
    S
    S
    !
    !
    !
    !

    ReplyDelete
  5. My new Kensington Enterprises can coozie is going to good use!

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's all part of the plan

    ReplyDelete
  7. Theberzerker! HUSS!December 29, 2014 at 9:22 PM

    HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...HUSS...


    HUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Theberzerker! HUSS!December 29, 2014 at 9:23 PM

    ^That's the HUSS dropping.

    ReplyDelete
  9. (sitting in a ringside seat, title belt on the seat next to me, lights down low. The camera films in a mix of profile and 45-degree, mainly using the latter to catch sight of the belt.)


    "I would have said 'Merry Christmas' last week, but I already know most of you humanoids got little black lumps in your stockings, and bigger black lumps from some abusive family members. There isn't anything 'merry' about that. And as for 'Happy New Year'? Another year at a failing school, at a dead end job likely to get replaced by robots sooner or later, and crushing debt either way? That's only 'happy' to masochists and the retarded. Sorry, I meant 'mentally disabled'.


    Which brings me to you, Midcard Mafia. Sure, we have to defend the titles against you twits one more time. But that is IT. After this next crash, and I promise it will not be one you two walk away from, there's several other teams more than worthy of a hopeless shot at these titles. And maybe, just maybe, one of us, or both of us, goes for double titles in 2015. As tag champs entering the new year, we've already had a better 2015 than 99.99% of the people on this planet. And the 9's just keep getting added with each day, each defense.


    I have some real New Year's festivities to get prepared for, so I'll leave anything else for next week. Until then, return to your sad realities, peons. Oh, and make sure to watch next week. I, for one, plan on bringing in 2015 with some mayhem. Some glorious mayhem."

    ReplyDelete
  10. Still enjoying NJPW

    ReplyDelete
  11. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonDecember 29, 2014 at 10:03 PM

    *Snaps fingers and holds out hand while still staring at the screen*

    Sweety. hand me that bottle of water. I'm parched.

    *Valet hands him water. I take a sip and spit it out.*

    See, that was a $400 bottle of Kona Nigari Water...the SECOND most expensive in the world. 300 Japanese children died just to hike to that glacier, hack off a piece of ice, bottle it and deliver it to me. You know what? This STILL isn't good enough. In fact this sh*BEEP* is no better than piss to me.


    I don't deal will with second best. I told you this before. I'm allergic to average. NOTHING is good enough except being the best and as I drove through this wasteland of a town in a car that is worth more than the lives of the first 3 generations of your families put together just to get to this arena I see that I have been slumming.



    This year I take a step to the inevitable. Becoming champion. This is fact. This can't or won't be stopped. No matter how much Bayless, Jobber or any other wrestler here tries to stop me. You will fail.


    I tire of facing you one on one. So at the Rumble I will beat the collective brakes off all you dic*BEEP*ads and take one more step to where I belong.


    *stares at bottle of water*


    Funny thing about water. It is so powerful. Man has tried so hard to control it but no matter what they have done they end up getting swept away from it ..the smart ones will get out of it's path. I am like the roaring tide. Stand in my way and get swept up. Move out of my way and you will live to tell your inbred children of the beauty and power you see before you.


    *Throws bottle at security guard*


    See you next year, losers. Let's go, baby.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The scene: Stranger's log cabin, somewhere in the Alps. There is a fire roaring in the fireplace. Above that, there is a mantle with an empty space in the middle. Yes, Stranger once kept the BoD Writer's Championship belt, made of paper, in that space. Stranger kept PAPER near an OPEN FIRE! Anyway, Laughing Sting sits on a bench, sipping some hot cocoa. He seems to have regained his usual composure after spending WEEKS trying to find Stranger's cabin. Stranger sits opposite him in his chair, reading a Tommy Hall e-book on his tablet. Stranger has wi-fi in the Alps?


    Laughing Sting: You know why I'm here, don't you?
    Stranger (without looking up from the e-book): You wanted to make sure I had insurance?
    Laughing Sting: LOL! Ouch! But no......you need to come back to the BoD Arena. Matt Perri is making a mockery of that title. The title that you laid down the template for.
    Stranger: Is he really? That's a shame.
    Laughing Sting: It IS a shame. *sips some cocoa* Man, that's good stuff. Do you have any marshmallows?
    Stranger: I dislike marshmallows.
    Laughing Sting: *gasp* You dislike marshmallows? LOL! You're a weird cat, you know that?
    Stranger: Says the guy who wears messed up face paint, laughs at everything and had bees transport him 8000 miles to the Alps.
    Laughing Sting: LOL! I did do that, didn't I?
    Stranger: Please understand that I have no interest in coming back, and when you are fully recovered, you are to leave.
    Laughing Sting: *throws the cocoa into the fire* SCREW YOU, MAN! YOU COWARD! THINK ABOUT THE LITTLE STRANGERS! THINK ABOUT THE OLD LADIES!! THEY NEED YOU!
    Stranger: Do not take that tone with me. I said I'm not interested. And the old ladies don't need me, they have Abeyance now. He has developed a cult following.
    Laughing Sting: You have no guts, anymore! What happened to the guy that took on all comers?.......
    Stranger: (looks up from his e-book, then stares out the window) I don't know what happened to him....
    Laughing Sting: Ouch! No LOL here.


    Faintly, the opening strands of "Man in the Mirror" can be heard, before the scene cuts to black.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Adam "Colorado" CurryDecember 29, 2014 at 10:21 PM

    So I've been in the main event of 3 of the last 4 PPVs (I think), but I never get booked for Raw? Ok...

    BTW, that whole jobber segment was fucking hysterical, and outside of the fact that I hate guacamole and Mexican food in general, pretty accurate.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Trying to build for a match between you and Murph. You will be on the show next week

    ReplyDelete
  15. Adam "Colorado" CurryDecember 29, 2014 at 10:26 PM

    Hey fuck it, would rather get top billing on PPVs and sit home for Raw than the other way around. I'm like the blog's Brock Lesnar.

    ReplyDelete
  16. [A snowy Minneapolis. BISCUIT steps outside a noodle shop and looks agitated]

    Biscuit: you call this dump Pho- nomenal and you stuff this bowl with tripe and almost no pork. You can Pho-get a tip!

    Oh, hello. It's going to be a great new year for me. My big win over Night81 paid for a tuneup on my car, so get ready for even more great action at your local VFW.

    It's almost that time: the BoD Rumble! It's going to be great. I know a guy who needs to watch his back. I used to know his name, but we'll just call him Kathy Griffin because I'm gonna send him down to the D-LIST!

    See you at the Minnesota Vikings Sex Boat New Year's, ladies over eighteen!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Adam "Colorado" CurryDecember 29, 2014 at 10:37 PM

    Murphy, you a nothing but a fucking drunk piece of shit! And when I, of all people, call you out on that, well, that says it all. And you have the nerve to call me white trash? Nigga, you live up by fucking Watertown, you clowns can't decide if you're fucking Canadian of the sort of backwoods hicks that people from Kentucky would laugh at. See you at the Rumble, dickhead, though I'll probably just win by forfeit because you'll either be in jail on drunk and disorderly charges or banging your cousin. One of the male ones.

    ReplyDelete
  18. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©December 29, 2014 at 10:44 PM

    2015..........a new year with a clean slate. It's gonna be the dawning of a new day. It's gonna be the year where all the doubters will go away. It's gonna be the year where a big impossible dream takes it's rightful place.
    2015, the year of Abeyance.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Adam "Colorado" CurryDecember 29, 2014 at 10:47 PM

    Post counts don't mean dick no more, homeboy. Your ass is headed straight to the midcard.

    ReplyDelete
  20. What the hell have I stumbled upon?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Adam "Colorado" CurryDecember 29, 2014 at 10:52 PM

    Well, you're jobbing next week in under a minute...

    ReplyDelete
  22. But I'm in the middle of finding a midi for my roleplay before I upload it to angelfire.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Adam "Colorado" CurryDecember 29, 2014 at 11:00 PM

    LOL... Good answer.

    Last year Bayless did a BoD Rumble just as a joke, but it really took off and now he "books" a whole "promotion" with the regulars here.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Considering how little I post, and how often I'm booked, it's quite the impressive run. Plus my record pretty much makes me the Tomoaki Honma of the BoD. Good shit..

    ReplyDelete