Matt's Main Event Recap

Got a lot to get to today. I have about three reviews to write before RAW tonight.

Let's get to it!

We are LIVE(!) from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma!

Michael Cole & Byron Saxton are the talkers.

Swagger starts us off tonight, coming back to his hometown. He's pissed at Rusev because Rusev fucked up Zeb Colter, if anyone cares. Tonight, in the spirit of vengeance, he'll finally face...uh...Titus O'Neil, I guess.

MATCH #1: Jack Swagger vs. Titus O'Neil

Swagger hits some shoulderblocks but Titus regains the upper hand tossing Swagger into the ringpost and tossing him outside the ring. Titus goes outside and tosses him into the crowd barrier while Cole informs us that Slammy nominees will be named soon like it's the Oscars. Titus hits a clothesline and puts Swagger in a weak chinlock. Swagger escapes but Titus grabs him and hits a Fallaway Slam. Titus slaps at Swagger's chest and it's another chinlock. Swagger escapes but Titus puts him in a corner and rams him with shoulders. Swagger escapes again and it's a huge belly to belly slam. Titus rolls outside and Swagger hits a mean clothesline, then rolls him back in the ring. He misses a Swagger Bomb and Titus hits a huge boot to the face, getting two. Quick reversals on both sides and Swagger hits the Patriot Lock to win it at 4:39.

WINNER: Jack Swagger via Patriot Lock

RATING: **. 

Cole tells Rusev to "beware of Swagger" even though Rusev already beat him several times two months ago.

Renee Young hops into the ring like a giddy schoolgirl. Swagger calls Rusev a coward and says he's gonna get the United States Championship back. He does WE THE PEOPLE, cuz 'MURICA!

Cole says Slammy nominees will be released TOMORROW!!!

Adam Rose and the Dumb Bus are on the way to the ring.

We get an ad for Jingle All the Way 2.

MATCH #2: Adam Rose & The Bunny vs. Gold & Stardust

I swear, if this isn't over in less than 2 minutes, I quit. Star and Bunny fuck around before Rose tags in. Star clocks him and tags in Gold who hauls off on Rose. Rose comes back with a Flying Jalapeno and a running clothesline but Gold retaliates with a Powerslam in Stride. Star back in as we're about to hit the 2 minute mark. He wraps up Rose and tags in Gold. Rose breaks free of a clutch and there seems to be a slightly botched elbow. Both men go down. Hot tags on both sides. Bunny kicks at Star and hits a back drop. Bunny Hop in the corner and some humping motions. Rose tags himself in and hits a Spinebuster. Two count. Gold comes in and takes Bunny out. Rose dumps Gold. Star hits Dark Matter for the win at 3:47.

WINNERS: Gold & Stardust via Dark Matter

RATING: DUD. 

Post-match, the Dusts celebrate. Gold attacks Bunny as Star laughs.

LAST NIGHT ON RAW: Miz compliments Naomi on her "twerking" as if it's an art form. Then, later, during a match, Jimmy slapped the taste out of Miz's mouth.

TONIGHT: Jimmy Uso faces The Miz.

Tom Phillips has The Usos backstage. Jimmy's not happy about The Miz. Jey tries to talk off the anger ledge but Jimmy just yells in his face. 

Fandango's entrance is now longer than Randy Orton's, so we go to commercial, which doesn't help because the entrance is still happening -- then, we get R-Truth's entrance which is even more long and needless, considering he's the only black guy in the company who wasn't good enough for the New Day re-boot or a new angle.

Truth says hello to Oklahoma. Cole: "At least he named the right state."

MATCH #3: Fandango (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. R-Truth

The two men exchange chops and Fandango hits a shoulderblock. Truth comes back with a hip toss and arm drag. Fandango takes him out in the corner. Rosa dances outside. Fandango tosses Truth into the corner and gets a two count. Fandango tries a running attack and Truth hits a high spinning kick to Fandango and a Sitting Suplex. Two count. Fandango runs at Fandango and ends up outside the ropes. Fandango tosses him into the post, then hits the Flying Legdrop for the win at 3:36.

WINNER: Fandango via Flying Legdrop

RATING: DUD.

Post-match, Cole is disturbingly turned on my Fandango sucking Rosa's eyes out from out her mouth.

When we come back from break, we get an insanely long recap of "The Last 9 Days in WWE Without the Authority". Boy, I hope this becomes a weekly thing.

AT TLC: If John Cena loses his Tables Match, Cena is no longer the #1 contender for the WWE Championship.

So, let me get this straight: Cena is in charge of bringing back the Authority -- but can't control his own matches. Who the hell is running this thing?

The Usos are out first for their match. Miz is out next. He says that agents are all calling him to get a hold of Naomi. He says this is a good thing and copies the Jerry Maguire line, "Help ME help YOU." Jimmy's pissed. Miz says that he's probably doing more for Naomi's career than Jimmy could. Jimmy runs out of the ring and attacks Miz. The fight goes to the ring with Jey holding his brother back. Miz escapes to the other side of the ring until things calm down.

MATCH #4: Jimmy Uso (w/ Jey Uso) vs. The Miz (w/ Damien Miz-dow)

Jimmy is all over Miz with a press and punches, then clotheslines Miz from the ring. We've had a full minute of activity in the last 15 minutes and three break spots. When we come back, Miz is running away from Jimmy. Miz tosses Miz-dow in Jimmy's way, then attacks Jimmy when he deals with Damien. He rolls Jimmy back into the ring and kicks him in the head. Jimmy comes back with chops but Miz hits his Breaker Combo for two. Miz hits a side headlock as Cole and Saxton argue over the ethics of somebody giving somebody's wife a business card, which Cole somehow equates to severe marital disruption. Jimmy gets tossed from the ring and barely gets back in after a nine count. Miz is, immediately, all over him again. He chokes Jimmy in the corner and rushes at him but Jimmy hits a mean clothesline. Jimmy hits two more of those and then tosses Miz from the ring. He hits a Flying Uso to the outside and starts tossing Miz into the crowd barriers. The two re-enter the ring and Miz boots Jimmy in the head, getting a two-count. Miz misses a kick to Jimmy's head and Jimmy hits a Samoan Drop. He goes for a Rikishi Butt Splash but Miz leaves the ring and says he quits. Jimmy hits a dive to the outside and tosses Miz back in the ring again. He climbs the buckle but Miz attacks. Jimmy jumps off and Jimmy hits a Superkick. Miz-dow imitates taking the kick and Jimmy invites Jey to climb the other buckle so that they can each splash a "Miz". They do so and Jimmy wins at 8:09.

WINNER: Jimmy Uso via Superfly Splash

RATING: **.

OVERALL: **. These shows just continue to mean nothing. 

Er, that's it.