WCW Saturday Night: December 21, 1996

Starrcade is a week away, and the top babyface, the person drawing the most pops on a consistent basis is … Sting, who is not booked to work. On the plus side, top contender Roddy Piper did NOT appear on Nitro this past week, and the show was among the best they've done in quite some time. I choose to believe this is just a shocking coincidence, yes sir.

Meanwhile, in the Cyborg Factory, DUSTY RHODES is dressed like a human marshmallow. He vows to analyze the Sting situation, which is “stealing thunder” from Roddy Piper. You’re kidding? A compelling storyline with a beloved superstar is getting all the attention? Perish the thought. Oh yes, TONY SCHIAVONE is here too.

JEFF JARRETT vs. REX KING

I see we’re wasting absolutely no time in making zero effort tonight. Maybe I’ll mail it in TOO then, WCW. (Spoiler: Always intended to.) King misses an enzuigiri because Jarrett is just soooo much smarter than the rest of us. King does effectively use the backslide for 2, and even gets in a monkey flip for another 2. That’s pretty much a career highlight for Rex King, and he has nothing left to prove tonight. Jarrett correctly analyzes that King has won his Superbowl, and drops a knee on his face. Tony accidentally calls Dusty “Brain”, which goes over as well with Dusty as the idea of doing a job in the mid 80’s. A chop block sets up the Figure Four, and Jarrett wins at 4:27. *

Gene have gotten into the egg nog, because LEE MARSHALL is designated to talk to Jarrett. Jarrett calls out Sting, because he’s got a death wish. He tells Sting he should have been the leader of WCW, but since he’s a crybaby, Jarrett decided to take the ball himself. Meanwhile, he doesn’t care much for Chris Benoit either, who he blames for splitting up the Horsemen due to his unstoppable erection. The unstoppable erection would make for a killer finishing move, as well as a required emergency room visit 4 hours later.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. BUNKHOUSE BUCK

Buck stops to fight with a Stunt Granny on the way to the ring. I didn’t catch the wink to know she’s ok, but that’s probably because they’re all such compelling pros who know how to keep a secret. Tony angrily talks about the mixed signals he’s getting from Sting, sounding like the guy at work who’s perennially stuck in the friend zone with every girl he meets. Page pancakes Buck, and finishes with the Diamond Cutter at 3:38. DUD

LEE MARSHALL stops to answer some unanswered questions with DDP. What the hell? Page has been completely transparent, it’s his gimmick! Marshall demands that Page not “swerve” him, asking him if he’s an nWo member. Page asks him if he ever listens? He doesn’t need Hall, or Nash, or anyone else, he’s fine by himself. Regarding the US title, he doesn’t care who he faces, one Diamond Cutter and it’s all over.

“SQUIRE” DAVID TAYLOR vs. THE GAMBLER

The Gambler has adopted a very dapper look tonight. He cleans up real nice.

This is like trying to choose your favorite child. Deep down, you know who it is (sorry Gambler), but you can’t show it publically. Gambler clotheslines Taylor to the floor, who is so shocked by this display of energy from a jobber that his eyes look like that guy who saw the Undertaker lose at Wrestlemania. He manages to sneak back into the ring undetected, and dropkicks Gambler to the floor. Taylor follows right behind, and gets whipped into the guardrail. Good aggression from our favorite card player. They head back in, and Taylor hits a European uppercut. There’s probably no coming back from that, sorry. A second and third European uppercut should effectively seal his fate. The fallaway slam gets the pinfall at 2:55. Taylor makes a rare trip to the pay windah, and I like to think he brawls with the cashier for refusing his request to be paid in pounds. ****1/2

WCW takes us Up Close with Madusa! She talks about her training in Japan, including her secret sessions in learning all sorts of ancient techniques. Wait a sec, is this a recycled Glacier teaser?

Are you entirely far too uncomfortable re-living Benoit and Sullivan week after week? Good news, a 3 minute video package airs as a “recap” dedicated to them, followed by re-showing the latest home video from Nitro.

If THAT isn’t enough, we have a new video from the lovers in Germany. Drunk off their asses, they carry each other back to an elevator, where they presumably make their way to the honeymoon suite, and Benoit spends the rest of the night swearing that this never happens but the alcohol has slowed his response system. Benoit bids goodnight to Kevin Sullivan, and to “Mrs. Calabash” to further confuse us. But that’s why I’m here, to clear things up for you. Mrs. Calabash is, of course, secret code for female wrestler Zero. That should tie up any loose ends and answer all the questions you might have had.

MARK STARR vs. DEAN MALENKO (in a non-title match)

Starr was unable to secure a Cruiserweight title shot because he recently turned his back on the union to branch out on his own. He’s also about 100 pounds too heavy, but that wouldn’t have stopped them from filing a grievance had he not traded in his construction hat. Dusty notes that Malenko is often an emotionless killer, “stone cold” if you weel. The Tampa Rattlesnake scissors Starr’s throat, and uses the ropes for leverage. Starr escapes and gets a little momentum, but Malenko stops that dead with a crossbody. Starr nearly scores an upset off a backslide, but Dean comes right back with a backdrop suplex. Texas Cloverleaf finishes at 5:50. STONE COLD! STONE COLD! 1/2*

SONNY ONOO and LEE MARSHALL have a tete-a-tete. Sonny figures Starrcade will be a piece of cake for the Dragon, since he has 8 belts and Malenko only has 1. Regarding Chono, Sonny promises to bring in another Japanese wrestler to seek revenge for disgracing his family. I hope it’s the Super Giant Ninja.

SCOTT NORTON vs. SERGEANT BUDDY LEE PARKER

Norton is debuting his lovely new nWo t-shirt, as the most recent addition to the clique. Also here is DOCTOR X, who will be refereeing this one impartially under his nWo shirt. Say, what happened to Nick Patrick? We haven’t seen him in weeks. Norton beats up Parker long before they ever get to the ring, and Doctor X lectures the Sarge for being silly enough to allow it to happen. The Sarge gets into the ring eventually, and threatens to punch Norton, but the referee throws himself in front just long enough for Norton to clothesline Parker. A DDT sets up a vicious (and delicious) powerbomb, and the shoulderbreaker scores the win for Norton at some undetermined time cuz we never rang a bell. DUD

LEE MARSHALL welcomes “LORD” STEVEN REGAL and his TV title; the only heavyweight champion still under the WCW banner. Regal thanks Marshall for being the only one to recognize this fact, and challenges anyone, nWo or not, to give it their best shot. Regal says he’s been trying to get Hogan in the ring for over two and a half years, and he’s happy that Piper’s going to get a piece of him since they’re wired the same way. With that in mind, he’d like to turn Roddy from Rowdy to Vegetable in 5 minutes. I wonder if Regal would like to have my babies?

DISCO INFERNO storms the ring, carrying a mysterious video tape! He should hand it to Tony Schiavone, he’ll play ANYTHING! Apparently, this tape proves that Disco’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. However, he’s since been taught via his uncle Guido the “leg hold” they put on people who don’t pay their debts, and he’ll be putting it on Eddie Guerrero tonight.

DISCO INFERNO vs. EDDIE GUERRERO

It’s kind of shocking WCW didn’t have the foresight to add Disco to the nWo at this point, since it would have totally been within his character to leech off the big boys. Granted, the group probably didn’t want the “uncool” stink of having a jobber amongst them, but that doesn’t explain Marcus Bagwell, Vincent, Scott Norton, or the Bossman. Eddie hits Disco with a spinning heel kick, and is quickly on him with a slingshot senton for 2. They mess up something, and Disco awkwardly falls backwards, so Eddie livens things up with a European uppercut. Disco can’t keep up with Eddie, walking into an armdrag while trying to catch him. Disco punches Eddie in the mush, and gets a 2 count. A beatdown in the corner ensues, but Eddie uses it to fire himself up, and beats the tar out of Disco for even trying to get one over on him. Eddie misses a dropkick in his rage, and Disco goes for his leglock thing, but he can’t figure out how it works. Hah! Eddie shoves him off easily, and dropkicks him in the chest. Frog splash finishes at 4:45. **

COLONEL ROBERT PARKER has bumped into LEE MARSHALL. Lee tries to show off his French chops, but he’d be wiser sticking to telling kids to eat their cereal because it’s grreeeeeat. Parker goes over his resume; he took Slater and Buck to the tag-team titles, as well as Harlem Heat multiple times. The French Canadians are next, and the nWo best watch out. Lee asks about the Steiners, but the Colonel laughs them off. Apparently Scotty’s been faking his injury as a means to avoid the French Canadians. That seems legit, I have no reason to doubt Parker.

M. WALLSTREET vs. BOBBY EATON

Wallstreet makes his nWo debut here, and DOCTOR X has been assigned to referee this one as well. Tony: “Mr. Wallstreet is going to win.” Dusty feels like Eaton might be able to steal a victory when he’s not supposed to, and that the “guy in the mask” is the key to victory. What the HELL is Dusty babbling about? Eaton armdrags Wallstreet to the outside, and gets admonished by the Doctor for his lack of scruples. During his long lecture, Wallstreet has fully recovered, and wastes little time throwing Eaton face first to the buckle. Eaton fights back, but Doctor X feels those fists were closed, and orders Bobby to start playing by the rules. Eaton swears he didn’t, so X asks Wallstreet who confirms the closed fist story. Eaton nails a shoulderblock, but Wallstreet calls a timeout. X grants it, and Eaton is denied the right to follow up his attack. Once recovered, Eaton quickly hits another shoulderblock, and he’s immediately given a warning for illegal use of the elbow. Wallstreet reaches into his pocket, and punches Eaton in the face with a chain. Bobby rolls to the apron, and tries telling the referee who simply doesn’t believe such a thing could be occurring. Eaton, realizing he’s fighting for his life now, hits a swinging neckbreaker, which is about a 9-count, but it only gets 2 from Doctor X, who’s a little slow. Wallstreet shoves Eaton into the referee, who casts him a cold look for the bump, before tripping Bobby up, right into an Oklahoma roll for the win at 5:41. Something tells me this is going to get real old, real quick.

Because we haven’t had enough nWo overkill, the nWo Saturday Night segment still exists. This week:

ALAN STORM

Height: 6’4”

Weight: A stout 273

Fist: 16”

Hometown: Mudlik, KY

Pro Record: 1^st & Final

Achievements: Scout Medal of Honor – Local Den #29

MARCUS BAGWELL works as the ring announcer for this one. DOCTOR X is assigned referee duties, while ERIC BISCHOFF and TED DIBIASE take over commentary.

ALAN STORM vs. THE OUTSIDERS (for the WCW world tag-team titles)

Bischoff notes Storm’s lack of good sense to enter this match, but that more or less applies to anyone who appears in these segments, Pat Tanaka included. Hall launches Storm with a fallaway slam, and Nash gives him the snake eyes. Locked in a full nelson, Hall pokes Storm in the eyes anyway. Alan is given a superplex because why not, and Nash gives him the big boot. The Jackknife powerbomb finishes things at 3:26. Doctor X drops down on Storm, which is sold as the referee checking on him to see if he’s ok. Bischoff: “I think he’s got something stuck in his throat!” DiBiase: “Yes, it’s the referee’s elbow.”

LEE MARSHALL gives a pro-WCW rally cry, none more so than his next guest which is … who the hell IS that? Some enormous guy in a cowboy get up wants a piece of Lex Luger for some reason, and Lee books them on Monday. Is Lee ALLOWED to do that?

JIM POWERS (with Teddy Long) vs. LEX LUGER

Powers is completely exposed next to Luger, who towers over him, with a fraction of the body fat, and twice the muscle. Sorry Jimbo. Powers tries to hold his own, but even his clotheslines are awful, and those are the one thing Luger really excels at. Lex nails a backdrop suplex, and starts with his crisp clotheslines for 2. Powers comes back with a running kneelift, but it doesn’t matter because he misses a dropkick and finds himself locked in the Rack for the Luger win at 3:24. Didn’t even break a sweat. 1/2*

Time is short, because Tony wishes us a Merry Christmas and ushers us out the door faster than David Sammartino’s WCW career.