In regards to my suggestion of Chris Benoit adopting The Unstoppable Erection as his finishing move, It’s False quickly reminded me:
You mean that wasn't the name of Benoit's 69 submission hold from a few months ago?
Can I tell you how excited I am for this particular recap? No, not because I anticipate anything incredible (but that would be nice!), but because my wife bought me a wireless digital thermometer for Christmas, and I’ve put it to work in my Green Egg on an 8 pound pork butt. I can smoke AND recap at the same time – it’s multi-tasking at its FINEST!
One week to Starrcade means the biggest edition of WCW Worldwide EVER. You’ve got Konnan, Big Bubba, M. Wallstreet, Galaxy, and Ciclope. Yes, Ciclope. I knew you doubted me, but you shouldn’t.
TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN are on commentary duties, and make no mention of the fact that nWo members have started appearing on the C-shows.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. BUTCH LONG
It’s been awhile, Butch! Heenan’s already slurring his words about Hulk Hogan – we may have his most intoxicated appearance since Hog Wild! This show has a world of promise already. Jericho takes the Stun Gun, and winds himself on the wrong end of Butch Long’s boot. Heenan can’t even remember what sport Jericho’s father played, trying like hell to say “hockey” before Tony saves him. Jericho hits a springboard back elbow, and follows with a dropkick. The Lionsault is on point, setting up the missile dropkick for the win at 2:41. Heenan’s so excited he vomits all over Tony’s shoes. *
Tony and Heenan head into the locker room, and Heenan can barely stand up. If they lit a cigarette right now, his lungs would explode.
BIG BUBBER and KONAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. JOHNNY BOONE and ROD THOMPSON
Well I have to give props to Konan, managing to put aside the fact that Bubba joined the nWo on Monday night to once again work alongside his good friend one more time. Even Jimmy Hart is a good sport. Konan hits Thompson with a powerbomb, and Bubba follows that act with a headbutt. Both guys start tagging in and out quickly, trading moves. Bubba first hits a backbreaker, Konan a brainbuster, and Bubba a crappy powerbomb for 2 (and only because Bubba pulled him back up). Konan finally finishes with some overhead brainbuster thing that sounds far better in this recap than it looked on TV, but it’s over at 3:36. 1/2*
M. WALLSTREET vs. KENNY KENDALL
Kendall was a regular jobber back in the earlier part of the decade, but I’m fairly certain this is his first appearance in 1996 (unless of course he appeared on Pro, which I would know nothing about). Wallstreet fails to sport the nWo colors, which might get him kicked out just as fast as he was accepted to the group. Tony, who might be drunker than Heenan, starts speculating on whether or not Wallstreet might join the nWo, despite the fact he did that, IN FRONT OF TONY, a week ago. Heenan mentions the only thing keeping him from joining the nWo is Hogan; to which Tony replies “not enough money, huh?” Heenan starts sputtering, and Tony lets it go. Heenan: “The nWo won’t stop, they’re going to build an armory.” Oh Jesus. Hot coffee to the announcer’s booth, STAT! Stock Market Crash gets the win at 4:39. (That’s in hours) *
CICLOPE and GALAXY vs. JOE GOMEZ and RENEGADE
Heenan: “If you can’t find anything to get me for Christmas, don’t worry yourself about it man, you won’t offend me with cash.” Tony: “Will you take rolled pennies?” Heenan (without missing a beat): “Yes!” We get a close up of Ciclope, and Heenan feigns a heart attack. Gomez immediately gives Galaxy a powerslam, and flattens him in the corner with an avalanche. The luchadores make a brief comeback, working in unison with the chops, but they’re neither white nor large, and succumb to clotheslines. A crossbody from Renegade on Ciclope gets a new 2, and Renegade follows up with a crappy handspring back elbow. A completely botched bulldog gets the win at 2:27. This could not have been worse. -**
THE NASTY BOYS hit the ring and beat up everyone for upstaging them in the awful department.
HIGH VOLTAGE vs. LOS GUERREROS
Heenan figures High Voltage is a couple of wins away from being players; which is like saying Triple H is a couple of TV absences away from being palatable. Voltage work over the Guerreros with their double team moves and their way too tight pink singlets. Rage drops an elbow across the back of Chavo’s head, and puts him in a front facelock so that Chavo has a front row seat to his protruding penis. Kaos applies a camel clutch, really working that pelvis into the back of Chavo. Chavo wiggles loose, so Kaos chokes him, and I’ll let you decide what body part he used to accomplish that. Back to the camel clutch, and Kaos is really cinching back on it. Chavo finally escapes, and gets the hot tag to Eddie. He throws Chavo at Voltage, and he does dropkicks them. Eddie finishes with the Frog Splash on Kaos at 5:09. Chavo returns to the locker room where he takes a 3-hour shower while loudly weeping and trying to remind himself it’s not his fault.
HUGH MORRUS vs. LEX LUGER
These two had a swanky little match on the November 8 Nitro, so I have some good vibes for this one. Heenan seems to be a little more on his game, so he may be sobering up. Morrus drops Luger with a shoulder block, and laughs like a hyena. A vertical suplex has Morrus calling for the fans, and he fails to notice that Luger’s up until he comes face to face with the ROAR. Luger slams Morrus with no effort, and hits a shoulderblock. Tony talks about Luger’s freakish strength, but Heenan correctly points out that the Nasty Boys are really strong too, especially if you’re down wind. Morrus hits an avalanche, and Luger face flops. A second attempt misses, and Luger quickly hits a backdrop suplex. A running clothesline gets 2. Morrus fires back with a clothesline of his own, and heads up for a flying elbow drop … which misses! The Torture Rack is academic, and Luger scores the win at 5:11. If Piper can’t get the belt off Hogan, Luger HAS to be next in line. He’s worked his ass off all year, and the fans are completely taken with him. *1/2
No preview for next week, which is a big negative, because I don’t like surprises on this show. If The Gambler is booked, I want to know.