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BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE


Backstage, GM Bayless is with the rest of his Administration in the corner. They have lost one of their banquet tables to the Riverdale Covenant took it in order to play Go Fish. GM Bayless stares at his watch as he awaits the arrival of Jesse Baker. All of a sudden, two battered guys are pushed through a door as their clothes are dirty and worn. They slowly lift up their heads and we see that they are Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman. Justice Gray and Bill Ray run over to help them up as GM Bayless asks them what they have seen. Gary and Joe look up in horror as we go to commercial break.



Cultstatus is backstage. He is preparing for his match tonight against Jef Vinson. Here is what he has to say:

"Tonight, before I win the BoD Rumble again, I will go through one of the 29 guys in the match. Vinson, post all the GIF's you want and watch all of the boxing tapes you want because it is not going to help you when I have you up for the jackknife powerbomb. By the way, when we see lil' Parallax return at the BoD Rumble, remind him that I am tossing him right the fuck out like the garbage he is and that is the straight edge truth!"



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Biscuit vs. Mikey Mike

The most grizzled veteran in the BoD, Biscuit, is looking to head to the BoD Rumble for the first time. Mikey Mike is also looking for his first BoD Rumble appearance as well. Biscuit has slept in the back of his 1988 Buick Regal for the past two nights without heat. His pillow is a T-shirt he got from Wally Szcerbiak appreciation night stuffed with tissue paper. Biscuit starts with an armbar as the match is underway. Mikey reaches the ropes and Biscuit breaks but takes him down and works a headlock. Mikey breaks that up with a back suplex then stomps away. Mike works over the back of Biscuit, a back that has been sore from sleeping in the back of a cramped Regal. Mike heads up top and drops a knee into Biscuit's back but that just gets two. Mikey puts on a Camel's Clutch as Biscuit tries to escape the hold. Biscuit fights out but Mikey kicks him down. Mikey tries a suplex but Biscuit blocks that and hits one of his own as both men are down. Biscuit is up first then he wins a slugfest. Biscuit sends Mikey into the corner but misses a running knee smash then gets hit with a lungblower but that only gets two. Mikey drives his knee into the back of Biscuit as the Midwest Mauler needs a miracle to happen. He needs to do it for the Jacque Jones', Eric Milton's, and Jake Reed's who never got the chance at glory. Biscuit powers up as Mikey struggles to hold him down. Mikey tries an electric chair drop but Biscuit turns that into a Victory Roll then gets up and puts Mikey in the Stump Puller. Mikey has no choice but to tap as Biscuit has made it to the BoD Rumble!!!!!!!!!! All the VFW Halls across the Midwest are going crazy.



Backstage, GM Bayless awaits as the man, the myth, the legend has arrived. Jesse Baker comes backstage and and pops open his trench coat and tries to look mysterious but ends up tripping over the cable and falls. The GM does not look thrilled as his Administration helps Baker to his feet. Bayless then approaches:

Bayless: So what is your plan for me to overtake Stackhouse and his guys? I want my office back. 
Baker: Well, first thing, Brock Lesnar is a lazy fuck
Bayless: What does that have to do with my problem?
Baker: Sorry. Here is the deal: Obviously, Stackhouse is a disturbed mother fucker. Naturally, we overtake them and make the Covenant our manservants so Stackhouse feels like such a little bitch that he dresses like a woman and moves into a cabin
Bayless: Um...............................
Baker: After that, we brutalize the Covenant and stomp them all into the ground. After a while, Stackhouse will come back and then we murder him. 
Bayless: Look, I just want my office back. Just focus on that please. 
Baker: Okay, I can rape Stephanie McMahon then have Randy Orton be your bitch
Bayless: JUST GIVE ME MY OFFICE BACK!!!!! AND NO RAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Joe Dust vs. Night81

Night and Joe lock up to start. Joe acts aggressively as he tosses Night to the corner. Joe chops Night then chokes him out in the corner. Joe knocks Night outside and sends him into the guardrail. Joe now rolls Night back inside and starts choking away as the ref gives him until five to break and he does. Joe sends Night into the corner but eats boot on a charge. Night collects himself  and comes back with a missile dropkick. Night gets nearfalls with a tornado DDT and a backbreaker. Night heads back up top but Joe shoves the referee into the ropes as Night gets cut off then Joe picks up Night for a Death Valley Driver for the win. Joe then grabs the mic:

"At the BoD Rumble, I will teach all of you just exactly how wonderful I am when I win the BoD Rumble."



And now lets hear from Hart Killer 09:

"Kaptain Kiwi, your hair is so greasy and you cry so much that I am surprised you do not have brothers named Smith, Bruce, and Keith. But, when you get a shot at my title, it will be the one and only shot you have because much like Garea vs. 1986, you will lose. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



Earlier today, we caught up with Kaptain Kiwi and Tony Garea, who has returned to America. They are getting lunch at a deli:

Garea: Ya gotta get training son. Ye got a BoD Rumble qualifying match next week against Bobby, the true shooter of the BoD. Ya gotta train my boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiter: What can I get you to drink?
Kiwi: Just a water please
Garea: I'll take some whole milk and a can of Anchor Cheese on the side
Waiter: What is Anchor Cheese?
Garea: (angry) What da fuck do ya mean "what is Anchor Cheese?" I outta snap the biggest branch off ya mother's kiwifruit tree and smack you off of the head. 
Waiter: (scared) I don't order the food for the restaurant
Garea: (angrier) I outta rip ya nuts off and slap 'em upside ya head. NOW GET ME SOME ANCHOR CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(waiter runs away petrified)
Kiwi: What was that
Garea: That, my boy, was the intensity you need to win the BoD Rumble. NEXT WEEK, SHOW ME THAT INTENSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Jef Vinson is backstage with his valet. Here is what he says about his match tonight:

"Cultstatus, ever since I stepped foot into BoD RAW, I have been met with obstacles. I have had a GM do everything in his power to hold me down, but he failed. I got robbed of the BoD Heavyweight Title but not because I failed. This is the road I must traverse in order to get to the top. I never careed for the easy way. I don't take shortcuts or partake in drugs and alcohol. I care for myself, I take pride in my craft. And if you think you convinced me that you are unbeatable, then you have failed. Tonight, I become victorious before I win the BoD Rumble. 



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Adam Curry vs. Zanatude w/ Job Mob

Zanatude tries to attack Curry with one of his many championship belts but misses then Curry slams Zanatude into the corner and hits him with a Michinoku Driver. Warne and Cabs hold back Murph and Chartock as Curry heads up top and hits the Shooting Star Press for the win. Curry celebrates but Murph breaks free and attacks him from behind but Curry fights back and these two are now brawling all over the ring. White Coat Security runs in to break up the melee.



Next week, Prime Time Ten makes his return in a BoD Rumble Qualifying Match. And a new team will be making it's debut as Art Vandelay & Marv Cresto will be in action. Plus, clips of the Job Mob bash at the palms in Vegas, funded by Biff Kensington III



Also next week, the debut of the hit song, "BoD Rumble"



BoD Rumble Qualifying Match


Dancin' Devin Harris vs. WWF1987

TIME TO GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WWF1987 attacks the DDH before the bell. He stomps away but gets an Irish whip reversed and ends up getting caught with a powerslam. Harris then drops a funky elbow for two. WWF1987 swings and misses as DDH hits a bionic elbow that sends WWF1987 to the floor. After a breather, WWF1987 cheapshots DDH and takes control of the match. WWF1987 does his best to ground the Funkmaster as the crowd rallies behind their favorite dancing black man of the BoD. Okay, that was racist. Anyway, WWF1987 heads up top but DDH gets up and slams him off as things are about to GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!! DDH fires away but from underneath the ring Bobby trips him up with his cowbell then WWF1987 hits the Dixie Dynamite for the win!!!!!! WWF1987 has earned himself a spot in the BoD Rumble.



Backstage, the Midcard Mafia are chatting.

Magoonie: So, we have a title shot at the BoD Rumble. 
Ferrari: That's awesome. I am covering the Albany Medical Center Med Surge Floor Connect Four tournament the night before so I might be late to the show. 
Magoonie: Well, if you are late I can't go alone. 
Ferrari: Hold off the show so I can wrestle
Piers: Well, I think I might be cleared by then so if you are late, then I can take your place. 
Ferrari: Piers, I like you but stay on the sidelines and rest up. I can take care of it. 
Piers: Well you need to show up and help take care of the rent-a-car fund. A Toyota Yaris doesnt pay for itself. 
Ferrari: Listen, don't get jealous because I get my transportation comped. Not my fault I am a big deal in upstate New York Journalism. 
Piers: Not jealous at all my man. Just be focused. 
Ferrari: Don't you worry about that. I will be. 



And now the debut of the Danimal Report live from the BoD Event Center:

We got the BoD Rumble in two weeks. Lots of bros, cocksuckers, and at the end of the day I will be disgusted by half of you. Also, I have to eat my BLT quick as law enforcement are at my house for sending death threats to Sheamus. Here are the competitors so far: 

Bill Ray
Hoss
Parallax
Jef Vinson
Cultstatus
The Fuj
GM Bayless
Curtis Williams
theberzerker
Andy PG
"Mr. WCW" Chris F-B
The Brazilian Kid
DBSM
Hart Killer 09
"Marvelous" Matt Perri
Biscuit
Joe Dust
WWF1987
Adam Curry





Cultstatus vs. Jef Vinson

Vinson beat Cultstatus for the belt at SummerSlam only to lose it to Jobber after a controversial decision by GM Bayless to call for the match. Cult stares down Vinson, who does not budge. Cult shoves Vinson, who shoves him right back then they start brawling. Cult backdrops Vinson, who lands on his feet and tries a kick but that gets blocked and they end in a stalemate as the crowd applauds. They lockup as Cult backs Vinson into the corner and chops away. Vinson returns the favor as these two are even so far into the matchup. Cult catches Vinson off of a crossbody attempt and hits a backbreaker that gets two. Vinson is on the ground as Cult takes control of the match. Cult drops an elbow then slams Vinson back down on the mat. He whips Vinson against the ropes but misses a clothesline and Vinson comes back with a jumping back elbow smash. Vinson hits a dropkick then a flying knee smash. Vinson charges into the corner but Cult greets him with a big boot. Cult heads over to Vinson but from the stands comes Parallax as he runs in and attacks Cult for the DQ. Parallax takes Cult outside as Vinson gets up but is now met by Kensington Enterprises as they are attacking him. What is going on here? theberzerker is screaming HUSS! as Hoss chokeslams Vinson down on the mat. Parallax is outside and whacks Cult with a chair then sets up for the curbstomp but Big Dirty Murph runs out and stops that. He is still mad about Bod Survivor Series. The bell is ringing as Kensington Enterprises and the Job Mob stands tall.

Comments

  1. YankeesHoganTripleHFanJanuary 12, 2015 at 9:21 PM

    Bayless your my boy but the BOD Raw is stupid...All I have to say about tonight is that if you didn't like tonight's raw i don't know what to tell you. You just must hate wrestling.

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  2. Was it good?

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  3. I thought The Danimal Report was great. Keep up the great work!

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  4. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonJanuary 12, 2015 at 9:24 PM

    Man, I hope i draw the coveted #HUSS spot.

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  5. Tonight's RAW was alright. THe first hour dragged but it got better after that.

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  6. YankeesHoganTripleHFanJanuary 12, 2015 at 9:27 PM

    I have been watching wrestling since 88. Yeah it was good

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  7. Its a new feature going forward. Needed a real bro to anchor a strong segment.

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  8. *PrimeTimeTen is standing around a backstage office.*

    PrimeTimeTen: "Alright, guys. I'm at the end of my rope. I had to hire you bounty hunters to track down Brian Bayless for me so I can finally get booked. Though... something about you seems oddly familiar. Anyway, I'm in the TOP TEN now. The TOP TEN!!! And yet somehow I'm not in the BoD Rumble yet? You guys need to track Bayless down so I can confirm my spot!"

    Off-screen guy number one: "Don't you worry. We'll find him for ya."
    Off-screen guy number two: "No man hides from us."
    Off-screen guy number three: "Yeah, we'll track down that Stan Hansen in no time."

    PrimeTimeTen: "Glad to hear it! Now go... wait a second.. Stan Hansen?!"

    *Camera pans over to reveal the bounty hunters.*

    PrimeTimeTen: "DAMN IT!! Why the HELL did I hire the Desperadoes?!"

    Dutch Mantell: "Told ya those coupons would work."

    *sad trombone.*

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  9. YankeesHoganTripleHFanJanuary 12, 2015 at 9:30 PM

    Oh come on Brian...Tell me your not back on team Bryan after this? Or super psyched about Macho going into the HOF? Or intrigued about the layers of storyline going into the Rumble Triple Threat Match?

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  10. The first hour with the opening segment was not good and it was slow. The Bryan segment was great and other things worked too. Never said I hated the show.

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  11. What does this have to do with BoD Raw?

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  12. At least you didn't hire the Kansas Jayhawks. Bobby Jaggers isn't finding anything.

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  13. Rock Star Gary...back from the cult!


    Opening segment sports entertainment works for me! Thanks bookerman!

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  14. Who do I have to blow to get into the Rumble? Patterson?

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  15. I have no idea as I only saw a few minutes and there is no recap :-(

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  16. Hart killers promo made me laugh.

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  17. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©January 12, 2015 at 10:58 PM

    Loved the Jesse Baker segment.

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  18. [Biscuit walks back to his car, being chased by the camera and Invisible Interviewer]

    Voice: Biscuit, how does it feel to have qualified for the BoD Rumble?

    Biscuit: Before I address that issue, I'd just like to thank everyone at the VFW Hall in Robbinsdale in advance for coming out to "Biscuit Supports the Troops Night", where your $30 ticket includes a limited-edition camo Biscuit t-shirt and the chance to buy autographed photos before anyone else!

    As far as the Rumble, I'm ready. There are some great competitors in the Rumble, such as Jef Vinson, Hoss and the always dangerous GM Bayless. Mr. Bayless is an underrated competitor, from his moves in the ring to his ability to *ahem* pave the road for title shots. He may be able to eliminate me, if he combines the right moves...

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  19. I'm glad I trained under Brad Rheingans and not Tony Garea.

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  20. (As the camera fades in, it focuses on Robert Davis, sitting comfortably in the GMs polyester office chair. He sits, almost regal, fingers laced in front of him. He hesitates at first, but when he speaks, for once it is without his usual malice.)

    You sat in this very chair. You sat here in this very position on that day. Our first meeting. The meeting that began my entrance into the BoD. I came to you, a lost man, wanting to become a superstar. I had choices. I could have gone North, to see the Titan. But no, I chose you. Why? Simple. Faith.

    You see Bayless, I believed. One year ago, you started this all with the first BoD Rumble. I wasn't involved. Hell, I was less than a blip to you. You knew not of my existence. But I saw you. I saw the company you were building. And I believed in it. I thought it would be different. I thought you were the savior of this business. So I came to you and asked to be a part of it. And then you gave me a spot and a name.

    Gosh Hopkins. The name was as laughable at my blind trust that a menial job in your fledgling "Administration" was how I would succeed. I stood by you, biding my time. For I knew one day you would allow me to show how far I'd come. My training. My dedication. So, I went alongside you into battle. I was beaten. I was humiliated. I was brutalized by your enemies. But that was nothing but an annoyance compared to the true pain I suffered at your own indifference to me. I watched as you added more members and gave them my opportunities. And then one day, I made my decision.

    I joined the Covenant because I came to see the truth. You are not the one who will lead this industry into the future. You are a failure. You surround yourself by cowards and puppets. People who can be your defense when your transgressions come forth. I chose to follow Stackhouse because he has the right idea. To save something you love, you have to destroy it first. You have to allow it to be rebuilt. The BoD is broken with your incompetent leadership. So I will help propagate your downfall. And it starts at the Rumble. You have yet to name me as a competitor. And that's fine. Because whether I'm in the match or not, the first step in your downfall will be implemented. Mr. Stackhouse will deal with Baker. But this is a personal mission. You betrayed me with your indifferent attitude. So I will be the catalyst of your fall. At the Rumble, it's not just Hell coming for you. It's fate. My fate.

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  21. We love you Gary!

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  22. Learning Axl songs is always a great use of time. And it entertains me so tell Edna tough luck!

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  23. I feel like this excuse wouldn't work, am I sure? No. I'm not sure. So I'll try it once. But I feel like it won't work.

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  24. Tell her Art Vandelay says it's okay. Sure it'll probably end with you on the couch but it'll make a funny story! And you never know until you try.

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  25. Fuck that, I've never slept on the couch. I own that bed. Guys that sleep on the couch are ridiculous.

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  26. I'm sorry to have indicted you in such an offensive way. You don't seem like a Couch Guy. I cannot believe I made that mistake.

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  27. When she gets mad I wake her up with my dick between her toes, it almost always quells the violence.

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  28. See usually for me that's where the violence would begin. I feel like I'm missing out having never jabbed my dick in between someone's toes. Bucket List!

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  29. Dude I swear, this sounds retarded, but a girl can't help but start laughing if she suddenly wakes up and there's a dick in her feet. It's just so fucking stupid, it kills any argument. You have to have a REALLY BIG smile on your face, which isn't difficult considering your dick is in someone's toes.

    I swear, this is legit relationship advice, dick between the toes, it never fails.

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  30. Jeez talk about hot takes on First Take. They said they would draft Cardale Jones over Mariota in the pros.

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  31. At the same time, I believe there is a place for guys like Roadblock in the WWE today; for example, Reigns could benefit quite a bit from an undercard program with a guy like Roadblock.

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  32. I feel like this advice will save my ass one day. Somehow, improbably, it will.

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  33. I just wanted to jump in and say that the whole institution of sleeping on the couch is awful for relationships. It's "don't go to sleep angry." not, "force back pain on your significant other for a week because you're a sadist."

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  34. They only do it because they heard some bitch do it on a TV show.

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  35. That's gotta be it.

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  36. If you ever get to the point where like....nothing seems to work, toss it out there, I swear the results are awesome

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  37. It really is. Their mom told them once that their dad was sad about sleeping out of the bed.



    Well their dad probably didn't have a phone with all the porn. So her dad's dumb. I can outwit her. I have a phone. And a hand. And a phone.

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  38. And with a tablet, you're going over like Lesnar at SummerSlam.

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  39. I've never done the tablet because um....well.....history lol

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  40. Lol that's fantastic.

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  41. I personally do not own a tablet, but it's certainly the next big thing in masturbation.

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  42. Honestly I don't think it is, very hard to keep in one hand while sitting on the shitter in the....morning.....wait what

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  43. What about those phones with the kickstands on them?

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  44. I'll gladly have him fall to the Bears at #7.

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  45. Honestly Arthur don't let us fool you, being with a girl long enough that you then have to secretly jerk off like you're fourteen years old again is...something

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  46. Everyone totally heel turned on Mariota in the media after this game.

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  47. Listening to Louis CK has prepared me for it.


    "I'm jerking off in the basement like a troll."

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  48. You're gonna put it on the sink?

    ...

    Yuck.

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  49. I've only done that in front of her once. It was a standoff and I thought I would win. And then halfway through winning...I was pretty sure I lost.

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  50. THERE ARE WORSE WAYS

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  51. It's a lot of B.S. Cardale should come out and not risk riding the pine next season. He'd be a good 2nd-3rd rounder in a crappy QB draft. Mariota was, what is it...135/16 in his college career? You just can't count on Stephen A. Smith to talk college football...or most of those guys, since they're too old to actually take the time to study all that they cover on television.

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  52. He's had a hell of a 3 game run but no way you pick him over a guy who had a sustained period of success like Mariota.

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  53. Well, it's about the ground rules in a relationship. When you get later on in a relationship, it should be accepted that there's some solo projects completed. The worst is when one person is ready to go and the other is like, "well, I thought you wouldn't be in the mood, so...."

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  54. I have a pretty good track record of not being caught with my pants down. I've only been caught white handed once.

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  55. Oh this was far, far darker than that. She felt necessary and no one is allowed to feel necessary in my life. So I made her feel unnecessary. Until she was necessary. Stupid girls. They have all the personality.

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  56. I agree entirely, and I like Cardale. He's got the stuff. But when you have Skip Bayless having concerns on Mariota's accuracy on his third read of a play, you take that guy who's already so far along in his progressions, which is something half of the NFL's starters struggle with. I've had to watch Jay Cutler eyefuck his receivers for half a decade.

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  57. Marv you give Cult of Personality a whole new meaning lol.

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  58. SHE'S NOT ALLOWED.

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  59. Oh yeah, I got through the "Prom Video" episode of Friends last night. Some...allergies or whatever made my eyes water towards the end of the episode. Stupid allergies in January.

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  60. I like Cardale too and I hope he starts next year. He compliments that running game really well because he's able to push the ball deep down the field. I really like how he fits in the offense. And he's able to finish runs and breaks tackles for 1st downs.

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  61. I just recently watched that episode for the first time! One of the best episodes of the show I've seen.

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  62. Who the hell does she think she is!? Thinking she's necessary!?

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  63. For Cardale's sake, I hope that Miller decides if he's going to transfer soon and if Meyer can be honest about where he sees him on the depth chart.


    ...If Al Davis were still alive, he'd draft Cardale and find a silly way to team him with David Carr. CARR to CAR with CARR BOMBS!

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  64. Also, Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts with the bit part!

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  65. It's all about the game, and how you play it. It's all about control and making her take it. All of your debt and making her pay it, it's all in how you win and making her say it.

    *bwaoooooooooooooooo*

    *duh nuh nuh nuh*

    *bwwaaaaaaaaoooooooo*

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  66. Haha Cardale totally fits the mold for Al Davis.

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  67. You left out the best line.


    "I am the Pain and I know she will take me"

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  68. That's third verse, c'mon on I don't have all day

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  69. Ok for real, actually me-me times, I just wanted to make sure we main evented this thread even if I didn't tag in until after the 40th elimintation

    G'night Arthur and Off

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  70. Speaking of college QBs who can run a bit, as well. Dak Prescott should think twice about not coming out this year. I'd put him above Winston on a shortlist. He's got that poise and doesn't comically meltdown when things don't go his way. Also, pinpoint accuracy and some girth that will keep him upright.

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  71. Goodnight for real buddy haha. I'm gonna stay up and watch the National Championship Game replay!


    See you tomorrow and I'm ready to feel the November Reigns

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  72. Psh. I remember when you were committed to the gag.

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  73. I'll write at least half that song in the shower tomorrow, I do all my best thinking there

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  74. I'd like if Tazz had a cameo in the third verse.

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  75. "WELP HERE COMES DA PAIN!"

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  76. Goodnight. I was happy to receive a hot tag or two.

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  77. I think I'm moonwalking out this bitch too. Been a wild day. Until tomorrow!

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  78. You too man. Love the avatar by the way!

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  79. Vince told me that the reason the crowd were dead silent for the Orton-Cena staredowns was because Barrett and Del Rio weren't connecting with the audience

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  80. Skipped Raw but watching it on DVR. 2 hours in and the highlights so far are Dean Ambrose's Hooooooooo and Brock Lesnar giving Absolutely zero fucks during his segment with Paul Heyman.


    This guy is so done after Mania, they're insane if they dont take the strap off him at the Rumble.

    ReplyDelete
  81. Has this ever been brought here? How coked up is Dr. Death?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMh2aBYKucM



    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1D6MW9uqsA

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  82. John Cena. Jesus Christ. Same initials. Whoa.... too lazy to find the meme of the kid with his mind blown.

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  83. Interesting. If I were him, I'd rather go to a place, sit out a year, and then start and light it up for a year. I feel like it'd greatly improve his draft position. I actually think he has a light to gain by doing that. He definitely has the arm strength but talent evaluators are going to want to see more.

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  84. Crowds turned on him at Mania 22 and One Night Stand '06. And the ppv in Canada that year when he did TLC with Edge.

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  85. Anything to get rid of the horrendous belt they use now.

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  86. Wanna give her the Allision Williams treatment.

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  87. I thought you meant surprise Rumble guys at first, and was super-confused.

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  88. Hehe VHS.. 'cause Vince just became aware of that technology.

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  89. but it was all about giving him a chance to give us good matches, he just can't.

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