So I'm going to post them both in one post to make it easier on everyone. Main Event airs first, so it'll go first. Superstars follows. This way, you can clock out after the important matches if you want. Also, Hulu Plus flows me from Main Event to Superstars, so it's easier on me. And that's what really matters.
HOUR ONE: Main Event. Your hosts are Tom Phillips and JBL.
MATCH: Kofi Kingston v. Tyson Kidd. New Day has mics and does some firing up on the way to the ring. We see the results from Raw that brought this match about. The Royal Rumble Kickoff is now an elimination match. Some switch-offs to start, with Kidd getting an arm only for Kofi to sweep the leg into a stalemate. Kidd gets advice from Cesaro, then wins a test of strength and gets a slam. Kidd gets a headscissors off the mat before working the arm. Kofi's blind charge eats boot, and he chokes with the shin. When did Tyson Kidd start wearing long gloves? Kidd works Kofi over in the corner and gets a snapmare and chinlock. Kofi flips out and gets chops and a dropkick, then a clothesline. New Boom Drop follows, and Kofi claps it up, but Kidd bails before Trouble in Paradise. So Kofi does a flip senton onto Rose and Cesaro, only to run into an apron kneesmash from Kidd. Kidd celebrates as we go to break.
We return with Kidd choking Kofi with the apron before stomping away. Back to the chinlock now as we get replays of the senton and kneesmash. Kofi fights out with an armdrag, then sends Kidd to the apron before landing a running knee to send Kidd to the floor. All the extras start talking to each other as Kidd tosses Kofi in, and in there, it gets two. Would've gotten three for Daniel Bryan. Kofi goes up, but Kidd with a running kick and draping swinging neckbreaker. Kofi makes the ropes at two. Kidd with more choking, but a legdrop misses and the SOS gets 2 before Kidd grabs the ropes. Rose jumps onto the apron, Big E pulls him down, Cesaro knocks HIM down, Kofi kicks Cesaro, and Kidd floors Koi and hooks the Sharpshooter... but Kofi with a small package for the pin at 7:01 shown. Cesaro and Rose jump in and attack Kofi, Big E runs in for the save, but Rose gets the Party Foul on Big E. Kidd and Cesaro with the Code Blue Bomb to Kofi (Woods was run over by Cesaro on the outside before this melee began). Just a preview for Royal Rumble, which is a shame because the match itself was well done. **1/2
Royal Rumble by the numbers bit. Never not fun.
So since it's an elimination match, I think the rules say that if Adam Rose beats anyone by pinfall or submission, the Loserweight Championship changes hands.
MATCH: The Miz and Damien Mizdow v. Los Matadores. Miz and Primo start. Miz with a tackle and a criss-cross, but Primo OLE's to stop it and gets a tilt-a-whirl headscissors and dropkick. Del Rio dive by Primo, and Epico gets the tope atomico. Miz goes low to take over, and he works the knee. He drops his weight on the knee, then works a kneebar. Epico elbows out, but Miz dropkicks the knee. Miz refuses a tag and keeps on the knee. He fakes out another tag and stomps away, and a running kick gets two. More working the knee, setting up the Figure Four, but Epico kicks out and dodges an elbowdrop. Hot tag Primo, and he unloads back elbows and a flapjack. And Mizdow takes a phantom bump in the ring from the flapjack, which allows Miz to throw Mizdow into Primo (and El Torito into Epico). Skull Crushing Finale wins it at 4:07. Mizdow did nothing. 3/4*
MATCH: Summer Rae v. Natalya. So Natalya is a heel with Tyson Kidd and Cesaro, but she's face when teamed with Paige against the Bellas, facing Summer Rae who was a face last week on Superstars, but is heel today and on Raw. Who books the Divas so I can send them some cyanide? Natalya with a quick cradle for one, but Summer slaps Natalya off a lockup. Natalya fires back and goes to the mount, with Summer in the full guard. Summer with a jack-knife pin for two, but Natalya bridges to a backslide for two. Summer with a kneelift, but a blind charge misses and Natalya gets a slingshot atomic drop and running dropkick for two. Summer slips out the back of a slam and yanks Natalya down by the hair, then kicks away and gets a surfboard in the ropes. Alley-Oop bomb (allegedly) and Summer hits the chinlock. More hair pulling by Summer, and the Celtic Knot follows. I see ya, Fit. She turns it into a pinning predicament for two, reversed for two, and Natalya gets the Sharpshooter for the tapout at 2:52. Natalya is better than Cameron. This is not news. 1/2*
RAW RECAP. From January 19, as John Cena is faced with a Sadistic Choice: win a handicap match and get his teammates their job back; lose and lose his title shot from Sunday; or refuse the match and keep the status quo. Then HHH tells the fans to vote on if John Cena should refuse or not – and the fans loudly say to take the risk. Then the match begins, and it's a one-sided slaughter... until Sting of all people shows up on the stage. It's enough to distract Rollins and allow Cena to win the match and get everyone back.
Cena runs through the crowd, exiting stage left, as HHH demands Sting return and face the music... except it's Brock Lesnar and not Sting. Lesnar steamrolls the entire Authority, which, uh, is that a face turn or insurance for Philadelphia?
MATCH: Bray Wyatt v. Jack Swagger. WE THE PEOPLE! JBL is amazed that an Oklahoma athlete would be cheered in Austin, TX – the equivalent for you Euros of a Real Madrid legend getting cheered in Barcelona. Swagger's in the Rumble, by the way. Lockup, and Swagger shoves Bray into the corner just to get the INVERTED LOOK OF DOOM. Swagger with a waistlock takedown and WE THE PEOPLE, but Bray smokes him with a right hand and headbutts. Swagger knocks Bray down off of a headlock, but Bray bails of a whip. Swagger follows and smashes Bray into the apron, but Bray pulls Swagger into the post. Running senton on the floor follows (“Don't you know who I am!?”), and back in, it gets two. Bray to the headlock as we get replays. Swagger punches out, but he runs into a lariat (“GET UP!”). Avalanche in the corner by Bray, but on a second try, Swagger gets a chop block. Swagger with a big boot as he's fired up then an avalanche, Hammer Throw, clothesline, and Vaderbomb follow in quick succession. It gets two. Bray with an uppercut, but a charge eats boot and Swagger dives... into a thumb to the throat. But Bray runs into a leg trip and Patriot Lock. Bray escapes and gets a flying running elbow and spiders up. Sister Abigail's Kiss ends it at 5:30. Could've used another 3 minutes, as the ending sequence was rushed. *3/4
HOUR TWO: Superstars. Your hosts are Tom Phillips again and Byron Saxton.
MATCH: Naomi v. Cameron. Naomi feigns sickness over Cameron's vanity. Then she attacks as Cameron sets the mirror down, which freaks her out. Naomi with dropkicks and a back elbow, causing Cameron to bail. And check the mirror. Naomi dropkicks Cameron repeatedly through the ropes, and Cameron fakes a walkout only to clothesline Naomi. Cameron with a splits kick for two (Naomi was on her back this time). Cameron with a hairpull slam and kicks, then a spinning hair slam for two. Cameron chokes Naomi on the second rope, then another mat slam before she goes to a butterfly lock. Naomi kicks Cameron to break (!!), then gets a Thesz Press and mounted shots. Cameron cuts it off with a clothesline for one. Bow and arrow lock follows, with another hairpull when Naomi's about to reverse. Naomi gets a springboard enzuigiri in the corner to cue the comeback. Something butt-involved in the corner happens, then the Rear View ends it at 4:07. Cameron's continued appearance on WWE instead of NXT baffles me. 1/4*
RAW REWIND: Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt. Joined in progress as Bray hits the senton for two. Bray chokes Bryan in the corner, but Bryan vaults over Bray and begins his comeback. Corner dropkick and YES kicks follow, then they go up top for a Frankensteiner by Bryan for two. Crowd declares this Awesome. Bryan with more YES kicks in the middle of the ring, but the roundhouse misses. Bryan low-bridges Bray out and follows with a tope suicida. But Kane drops Bryan on the apron, distracting Bryan enough that Bray sends him head-first into the middle corner. Sister Abigail's Kiss ends it. I know they want to protect both men, so... yeah, isn't that why disqualifications exist?
Post-match, Kane applauds Bray before giving Bryan a chokeslam to prove a point. UFC ground and pound follows as the ref begs for Kane to stop. He does... to adjust his tie, then goes at it again.
The Royal Rumble Pre-Game show is on Pinterest??
RAW REWIND. The Hall of Fame Panel on the Royal Rumble. Shawn Michaels picks Bray Wyatt (admitting it's a dark horse pick). Hulk Hogan (after getting into a bit of a face-off with Shawn) picks Daniel Bryan. Ric Flair picks Dean Ambrose and WHOOs in Hogan's face for good measure. Big Show interrupts, wondering why no one picked him and declaring he'll win, because nobody is going to throw him out. He tells everyone to leave, but Ric Flair wants to pick a fight. He fires away on Big Show... to no effect as he runs into the KO Punch. Roman Reigns saunters in as the Hall of Famers clear out and help Flair... and Show promises bad things if something gets started. Reigns, instead, fires away, but runs into a chokeslam... that he escapes. Reigns clotheslines Show over and out, which is as good as throwing him out.
This leads us to Royal Rumble By The Numbers.
MATCH: Fandango v. Sin Cara. Breaking news: Sin Cara has his trampoline back! I guess being NXT Tag Team Champion has its perks. Fandango with an arm drag and he dances and gets a kiss from Rosa. Cara with a hammerlock, but Fandango makes the ropes. Cara works the arm into a judo throw, and they trade wristlocks until Cara gets a flying mare. A huge armdrag follows, but Fandango rolls through into a headlock in a neat counter. Cara with a tackle and headscissors, and he tosses Fandango outside. Cara with a tope suicida and his LUCHA cheer as we go to break.
PS – Don't try this at home.
Fandango with a whip, but Cara catches him with a leg-scissors and armdrag into a top wristlock. Cara is elevated to the apron, getting his hop-up kick and going up top. Rosa distracts on the apron, allowing Fandango to get up and send Cara into the barricade. On the outside, Fandango slams Cara's arm into the apron, and inside it gets one. Fandango keeps working the arm, and half-butterfly suplex gets one. To the Fujiwara armbar as the crowd says Fandango can't dance. Cara fights out and gets a sunset flip for two. Fandango with the Armstabber (Del Rio's old move) for two, and he goes to a wristlock of his own. Cara fights out only to run into a dropkick, but the diving knee misses and a double clothesline follows. Cara with the comeback, getting a springboard crossbody and standing springboard moonsault press for two. Blind charge misses, but Cara recovers with his armbar powerbomb from his Hunico days. Senton bomb is set up, but it hits the knees. Fandango goes up now, and the Ballroom Jam wins it at 7:58 shown. Shockingly good match considering Fandango was in it. **1/4
RAW REWIND: John Cena v. Seth Rollins, Kane, and Big Show. As a reminder, if Cena wins Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and Ryback are re-instated, but if he loses, it's just Lesnar v. Rollins at the Rumble. They show the opening segment build-up, but we recapped it earlier. Joined in progress as Show misses a Vaderbomb. Rollins in, but the flying knee misses and Cena begins the comeback (with Kane knocked off the apron). Five Knuckle Shuffle hits Rollins, but security pulls Rollins out of the AA. Cena clears the apron, and Rollins gets a cradle for two and a superkick for two. Cena with an AA out of nowhere for two, Kane breaks. Show spears Cena on the outside, and HHH taunts Cena's prone body. Cena was playing possum, though, and rolls in at 9, but he can't follow up. Kane in, and the chokeslam gets two. Rollins in, and he wants the Curbstomp... but Sting is on the TitanTron! Needless to say, everyone is distracted by this, more so when his music starts and it's clear he's in the building and on the stage. Cena takes advantage of everyone wanting to kill Sting by cradling Rollins for the pin to get everyone's job back. While for once a distraction finish makes perfect sense, couldn't he have pinned Big Show instead of, you know, the designated #1 contender?
HHH is furious after the match, understandably so, as Sting returns to the back... and HERE COMES THE PAIN. Lesnar storms the ring and spears Rollins into a full mount, but Kane and Big Show pull him off. So Kane gets an F-5. He double-legs Rollins and goes to side control, but this time Show breaks up only to get an F-5. Rollins has learned enough by now and races to the back with Security. Lesnar gets a huge ovation as the show ends.
HOW I'D BOOK IT:
Yes, I'm still doing this. Royal Rumble look:
- The New Day win the elimination match: Woods pins Rose; Cesaro pins Woods; Kofi pins Cesaro; Big E pins Kidd.
- The Usos defeat The Miz and Damien Mizdow when Jimmy pins Miz. Mizdow is too busy pretending to be hurt to make the save.
- The Ascension destroys the New Age Outlaws when Road Dogg takes the Fall of Man.
- John Cena wins the WWE Title from Brock Lesnar after he pins Seth Rollins, but Lesnar goes crazy after the match and destroys Cena, leading to...
- Seth Rollins cashes in the Money in the Bank contract and defeats John Cena to become WWE Champion.
- Natalya and Paige defeat the Bella Twins when Natalya makes Nikki submit to the Sharpshooter; Brie walks out on Nikki during the match.
- Daniel Bryan wins the 2015 Royal Rumble, last eliminating Big Show.
Enjoy the Rumble, and see you next weekend!