In our last episode, "Daddy's Little Girl", the Divas learned that the saying, it never hurts to ask can sometimes be completely false.
- Cameron who decided to go from taking it slow with Vinnie to shopping for a house in a single episode had asked Nikki, the only real estate person to know to show her houses. Nikki did, deliberately first showing her a house outside her price range, then showing her another that was only half a million over her range. Cameron had her boyfriend half talked into signing papers site unseen, then they decided to ask Nikki to not take a commission as it would save them 6 months of payments. Nikki wisely refused, there was tension, but of course after they are still friends.
- Brie having been a bride herself recently with an issue with her dad (in her case the dad abandoning the family when she was a teen) tried to get Eva Marie to share how she was feeling about wedding planning and her dad's likely death soon from aggressive cancer. Though Brie never seemed close to Eva before, it did seem this was sincere. Eva got mad, so Brie decided to throw her a surprise bridal shower instead (though she did turn down her husband's silly idea of making the theme The Transformers).
- Natalya took Tyson to a divorce attorney to see how things could potentially go for them. Here they learned such shocking things as divorce can be expensive and that in the eyes of the law cats are property, so they'd have to agree how to divy them up (Tyson suggested splitting them in half, I think someone out to put a camera in their home to see if he yells at them all day when Natalya isn't there).
PORTLAND, OR for Monday Night RAW
Natalya says she is jealous that John bought Nikki three new pairs of shoes. (MATT: Ah...true love.) Meanwhile, the backstage area is buzzing with "excitement": shoes are being bought, Brie Mode shirts are selling, and Sheamus show-bombs Nattie and Brie to inform them that the valet has lost Summer's car keys. Fandango, being the opportunistic sleaze that he is, asks Nattie what is up with TJ. She seems upset that everyone wants her to share her dirty laundry because that's not what a reality show is for. She says she prides herself on being quiet and professional. (MATT: Like, last week when she quietly and professionally yelled at TJ in front of the backstage crew. Totally understand.) She says she knows TJ and Fandango are friends (MATT: HUH?!) so they talk a lot. Natalya insists that everything's fine. Then, casually states they saw a divorce attorney. (MATT: Perfectly normal! Everything's cool!) She cries about how things are bad and how she has to keep a brave fake face for work, and insists that she's "so happy, I could do a backwards handspring in these heels with no underwear on." (MATT: After referring to all her co-workers who've asked her about TJ as "idiots". This woman has lost her goddamn mind.)
Natalya's got a match with Paige, the current WWE Divas Champion. She says she has to look "happy". (MATT: A second ago, she was ready to do nude calisthenics! What the actual fuck?) Paige's music hits and she comes out with the belt, then wins her match easily.
BEVERLY HILLS, CA
Michael Costello Dress Studio
Eva Marie's dress has no back, a huge cutout to show cleavage and cut outs to show off her hips. The designer jokes her Jon has three suit changes with Eva laughs and says is not true as there is room for only one Diva in their house.
SAN DIEGO, CA
John and Nicole's Beach House
John did laundry but needs help - he asks Nikki how to fold her thong. (MATT: Ah...true love.) Even though Natalya didn't want her dirty laundry shared, Nikki tells John about Nattie and TJ's fight and uses it to lead him into a calculated conversation about their relationship issues. She says their fight makes it so she doesn't want to get married. John seems very exasperated with this conversation, but somewhat happy now that Nikki has decided she doesn't need that piece of paper. Nikki jokes she will tackle John later. He says she couldn't catch him, then he brags he can best her in running, chess, even tic tac toe. (MATT: To be fair, anyone can beat Nikki in Tic Tac Toe, so that's not a testament to one's mental prowess.) Then, to prove this, Nikki and Cena actually play Tic Tac Toe. (MATT: And Creative books Rollins to come into the room and club Cena with the briefcase for the DQ finish.) Cena celebrates his win over Nikki by acting like a god and proclaiming that he controls the Pacific Ocean for some reason. (MATT: I do the very same thing after I beat my god-daughter at Candyland...)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie is working out for the Muscle Fitness Hers cover. She is the first WWE Diva to ever be on the cover. Nattie is there for moral support - which is cover for discussing her issues with TJ and how it will effect Eva's wedding. She asks if she can be seated far away from him at the wedding, even if it has to be with Eva's family or the catering people. On camera, Eva says Nattie isn't that close to her family and she should grow up and sit next to her husband. (MATT: Holy shit, I never thought I'd see the day where Eva is smarter than Nattie.) Nevertheless, Eva promises to talk to her Mom to OK this. Nattie's giddy at the prospect and dubs Eva's Mom "just like her own Mom". (MATT: And I bet it took all of Eva's strength not to break the "nice girl" image and just shake her head at Nattie's analysis.)
Local Table - Restaurant
Nikki, Brie and Daniel are having breakfast. Nikki asks to borrow a tampon and Brie doesn't have one. Nikki asks if she should use the table napkin instead. (MATT: I didn't ask to hear any of this. All I wanted to do was recap a reality show that somehow finds something worse to talk about than "seal slit".) Somehow that leads to Daniel recalling that Brie tells him how Nikki keeps leaving her sex toys for people to find them. (MATT: I was gonna say that it couldn't get worse. I stand corrected.) One time she had her brother, JJ over and made him look through her bottom drawer to find her birth certificate and he had to go through a "sea of vibrators" to find it. (MATT: A sea of vibrators sounds like the contents of Nikki's head.) Nikki says the fact that no one keeps theirs in a sex toy drawer makes it safe. Brie actually has the smarts to ask if having her cert stolen is even a danger. This leads to a conversation about marriage: Nikki says she is practically married but doesn't need to be. Brie insists she wants to be married someday.
Brie and Daniel have...lunch this time...and, this time, it's with the Bella's parents, Mom and Deadbeat Dad who's not only shown up for whatever the hell this is, he's also wearing a Bronie Trilby Hat. Being the over-sharers they are, JJ mentions he sent his wife a naked selfie. (MATT: Ok...I've heard enough about seas of vibrators and naked male selfies and tampons made of table napkins. I don't think I've ever cared about Eva and her wedding until just now.) The conversation quickly goes back to the problem child: Nikki. Her mom points out that John makes her happier than anyone she's been with but the rest of the family think she needs to hold out for marriage and kids. JJ decides to help Brie confront Nikki about this. As they are wrapping up, Brie is still in shock that JJ sent a naked selfie (MATT: FUCKING HELL. MAKE THIS STOP.) and he points out that Brie would like it if Daniel sent one. She says she would just laugh at it.
The Meritage Resort and Spa Lounge
Nattie and TJ get a room together and she tells him to chill out and act like everything is fine because appearances. TJ can't even begin to play along with what ever scripted drama this is and tells her that he was just standing there, doing nothing.
O'Brien Estates - Winery
Nikki calls Napa her heaven and is excited as there will be lots of wine tasting. (MATT: The Bellas need to be limited to Sheamus cameos.) They start at a charming place with a private tasting and tour with the owners. Nikki says how she has told John they should retire and have a winery as they are "winos".
(MATT: And I'm like...)
John isn't there for the wedding yet as he has appearances in Chicago and probably wants to be far away from Nikki. (MATT: Try real far.) The winemakers have named their wines after the various states of a given relationship. (MATT: I wonder if there's one called "Complicated" or, better yet, "Is What It Is".) Nikki wants to pass on the "Devotion", as it stands for marriage. Brie, however, makes her listen to the dude talk about the wine and how it pertains to long-lasting love. But that isn't enough: Brie needles her again about how she knows she wants to be married. They get inside the Barrel Room where the winemaker uses a giant suction glass to put wine into the Bella's glasses. He refers to it as "The Thief". Brie: "I call John a thief...the way he stole your life from you." (MATT: It's bad enough I have to sit through this shit. It's worse that they get to drink wine and I am sitting here, sober.) Nikki decides to share Nattie's problems with Brie and says Nattie is getting a divorce. (MATT: Marriage is just so awesome.) Because of this, the Bellas decide the best way to help Nattie is to a) buy a bottle of "Devotion" for her and b) invite her out to drink tonight. Wine and drinking prevents divorce. You heard it here first. Is this finally over? HELL NO! Now, we get the car ride back with Brie in full "Brie Mode". Brie calls Nattie and tells her they bought a bottle of wine for her and that if she doesn't like it, she will personally punch Nattie and German Suplex her into "the Bourbon Street" floor. Then they "fight", flailing at each other. (MATT: I wonder if Vince is re-thinking those "Brie Mode" shirts...)
El Dorado Inn
Everyone is there for the rehearsal dinner. Jon's mom tells a story which reveals that Jon met Eva Marie a little over a year ago. They did move fast: he proposed after three months of dating, still they seem like one of the happiest couples on the show.
The twins have Nattie in their possession -- and they brought TJ for some reason. (MATT: What is the logic here? This isn't even close to being believable.) Tension is thick. Not only does Nattie seem to not want TJ there, (MATT: "Seem to"?!) she points out that she doesn't have her wedding ring on. Brie is as drunk as fuck. Nattie makes TJ sit on the booth side with Brie. TJ and Brie point out that they have wedding rings on, while Nattie and Nikki don't. Brie says that Nikki's side will never be happily married. Nikki has the bottle of Devotion wine with her. They also give them a "wine cats" calendar they bought. Vinnie and Cameron show up. (MATT: This show...this fucking show...) Nattie says TJ reminds her of his Mom due to his dumb ass comments, to which TJ replies, "You remind me of your Dad." (MATT: So, now we know TJ imagines banging Jim Neidhart when he's fucking Nattie from behind. That's disturbing.) Nattie is furious and tells the camera that this is a horrible night: everyone's loaded and talking about her shitty relationship plus she gets to argue with TJ. They get back in the car and it's even more fighting. At one point, someone asks if they should have a "final' at the hotel bar (MATT: Yes! Let's have even MORE booze!) and Nattie agrees after she "kicks TJ's ass". She's not supposed to care about him though, right?
Meritage Hotel and Resort
It's Eva Marie's wedding day and her mother's birthday so she gets a card and cries. (MATT: People are crying on this show? That's new.) TJ shows up in the lobby of the hotel in his suit and says Nattie is permanently mad at him. Nattie shows up in a nice dress and says that what happened last night cannot happen again. (MATT: Aaaaand then they all board a bus and start drinking again. Nikki really helps out by suggesting it's time for "Brie Mode". When ISN'T it time for Brie Mode? And when is WWE gonna tell their employees that getting shit-faced drunk probably isn't the best thing considering their push on "health and wellness"? That's the first thing and secondly, at what point are the Divas "taking over"? That's the name of this fucking episode. Nobody's taken over anything. Did I miss something and they hijacked and occupied a nearby winery in a drunken haze?) Nattie drinks. Summer drinks. TJ drinks. Summer fires the first shot, saying her and Nattie are "finally getting along". TJ says that's a new thing. Nattie shoots daggers at him.
Everyone shows up, wearing their Sunday best. The groomsmen all high five Jon. (MATT: Totally radical, dude!) Eva Marie shows up for the wedding with very dark hair for her Dad. He is proud of her. (MATT: Then kinda nibbles her ear or something and it's just kinda weird...) He says the dress is gorgeous, which in a very slutty way it is. The couple writes their own vows but Jon says she looked so amazing, he feels like he got hit by a truck and couldn't remember them. (MATT: And he's not even drinking.) She mentions women find a man like their father and she says she found one. (MATT: Uh...) The officiant makes him pledge to love her even if she never becomes Divas Champion. They kiss and they're married. (MATT: Then Rollins comes in with the briefca--oh, I did that joke already...)
Nattie's pissed because, lo and behold, she's sitting next to her husband. So, Nattie decides to do something about it. First, for some reason, she calls Cameron over to whine about it, then changes the seating charts with a fucking pen so she won't have to sit near TJ. Cameron tells her to relax but Nattie won't have it. Cameron bolts to the bar to get a drink. Nattie follows her and gets a glass of wine which she then spills on her dress. (MATT: You know, I've heard that Naomi and Summer are leaving the show after the hiatus and are being replaced with Alicia Fox and Paige. Natalya needs to go with Naomi and Summer.)
Meanwhile, Brie and Nikki sit and assess the day. Brie says Eva looked like a Bella Triplet with her hair. Nikki says "a long time ago", she thought her wedding spot would be a vineyard. (MATT: She wanted to get married like two weeks ago.) Brie's not happy with this and says that she finds her entire situation with Cena to be "sad".
Like most brides, Eva changes her dress. She wears a black lace dress and the black wig is off. She has her regular fire engine red hair showing and proclaims that it's time for "All Red Everything". Everyone dances and the Divas all grin ear to ear as they watch Eva dance with her Dad. Photos are taken and everyone has a spectacular time.
Later that night, Summer remarks to Nattie that she must hate TJ to want to be near her. Nattie flashes back to her wedding day a little over a year ago and says it makes her feel like crap. Nattie feels like a failure and leaves the reception early. TJ doesn't do a damn thing and just watches her leave.
(MATT: And then we fly from Sonoma, er...wait...San Franci...no...fuck, what the hell?!)
|(MATT: What does San Francisco have to do with ANYTHING?!)|
The Henry Restaurant
(MATT: And then we end up in goddamn Arizona.) JJ, Brie and Mama Bella invite John to breakfast to talk to him about his relationship with Nikki. John, sensing an ambush, asks if this is the Last Supper. Mom jokes they can't have wine. Brie orders Tequila for some reason. This place doesn't have mimosas? (MATT: They're probably barred from intoxicating Brie any further.) John says he was clear from their first date that certain things would not happen and that the two of them agreed to these things. Not satisfied, Brie says Nikki's lying to herself and to John. John says he feels like he's being accused of manipulating Nikki. JJ says that despite John loving Nikki, if he were in Cena's position, he would let her go and try to find someone will marry her. Brie says that when Nikki was little, she wanted a large fairy tale wedding. (MATT: So, they're intervening because Nikki said she wanted to be Cinderella the age of five? Are we fucking kidding here?) Cena says he gets where they're coming from and he's not stopping Nikki. Mom steps in and turns heel, slamming Brie and JJ's intervention and saying they can't make Nikki have the life they want her to have. Brie says it's "not about JJ or her Mom's opinions, it's about what's best for Nicole". (MATT: Wait...JJ and her Mom have differing opinions which are later gonna be forced on Nikki...I can't even...) Cena says he understands where their opinions stem from.
SAN DIEGO, CA
John and Nicole's House
John asks how the wedding was. Nikki says it was great and how now she wants to go to wine country every 6 months. He asks would she want to go by herself and she says she would not. John says he's not sure she knows herself. He says he's not sure he's giving her a chance to get what she wants out of life. He thinks she's sacrificed too much for him and gets her to admit that, ideally, she wants marriage and kids. He tells her if you love something, you set it free. She wants to know if John is letting her go.
And the show ends and shows previews of next season (MATT: And she gave up in two seconds. Right.) complete with two new Divas, Paige and Alicia Fox joining.
This week's hug goes to...Eva's Mom: Holy shit. There is some weird, freaky shit going on in the Eva Marie household. I've noticed that Eva's Mom just kinda sits there with an awkward look while her husband paws her daughter. It must have been even more awkward for Eva to practically wear lingerie to her own wedding and watch as her husband got too close to Eva yet again. I just have no idea...
This week's punch goes to...John Cena: What a guy. Besides the fact that the two star-crossed lovers already agreed to be unmarried with no kids, John dumps Nikki because the Bella Family knows what Nikki "wanted" when she was five years old. I hope they find a unicorn for Nikki, too, because I'm pretty sure I wanted one of those when I was five.
This week's hug goes to...Eva Marie: Her story was a welcome refuge, which was ironic. It should have been the biggest: her father is pretty much dying, she's planning a nice, big wedding in wine country, and she's happy as hell. Instead, we get bullshit Bella drama, Natalya losing her shit and John Cena mumbling through a completely phony, scripted "break-up" that will be completely undone by the next episode.
Most annoying cast member of the week is...everyone else: Where the fuck do I begin? First, we have Natalya who has lost her fucking mind in every single respect. It's obvious the producers are shoving TJ into every scene with her and it's hard to sympathize with her plight when TJ mumbles a couple words here and there and she's ready to beat him for it. Then we have Brie and Nikki who are alcoholics. No, they are. The whole episode was Nikki and Brie getting plastered and letting that dictate their decisions. Brie and JJ and Mommy getting together and verbally harassing John Cena about a relationship they know nothing about. Mom already backpedaling. John smirking his way through the whole thing and dumping Nikki anyhow...I am so happy that this show went on a hiatus because it's gotten beyond ludicrous.
Er, that's it.