Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 11 - "Her Highness"

In our last episode, "The Divas Are Taking Over":

• Eva Marie and Jon got married in what was, technically, a vow renewal as they had originally eloped so she could have a special day for her Dad...and then proceeded to have a sexy, backless wedding dress with a huge cut out for cleavage and hips. She also wore a black wig so she looked like how her dad would remember her. I'm surprised she didn't dance a tango with her Dad. (MATT: Or Fandango...that would have been fitting.)

• Brie, her brother JJ and their Mom had a talk with John Cena in order to get him to leave Nikki if he really didn't' want marriage. At the episode's end, he looked like he was going to ask her for a break.

• Natalya and TJ fought a lot, could barely stay in the same hotel room and TJ even stupidly asked if he could have a final fling. 
 

Will John break up with Nikki? How crazy will Nattie get? How much will TJ mope? Will Eva Marie continue to be happy? For this review, Matt is by my side as usual but we've brought back the great Tania Pereira to help us out!

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nikki's Beach House

We start where we left off: John dumping Nikki. John says he's the biggest weight dragging Nikki down. (MATT: Her boobs beg to differ.) He says she wanted to be married before he came along and to think about her life. Nikki asks if John's dumping her. (TANIA: They're just repeating the same storyline from a few weeks ago. It's same goddamn storyline.) 

PHOENIX, AZ

Daniel and Brie's House

Bryan's wearing a Brie Mode T-shirt (MATT: He hates Brie Mode because of what it stands for, yet he's wearing a Brie Mode shirt...this is just surreal.) Brie asks how his physical therapy was. He says it went all right. Brie tells him about Cena cutting it off with Nikki. Cena apparently didn't mention Brie or the conversation with the Bella family. Daniel tells Brie it's time to come clean and tell Nikki why John split with her. Brie says "honesty would make it worse". (MATT: "Worse"?! Holy shit. Are we really pretending Nikki won't watch this later?)

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON FOR FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN

Backstage
Cameron and Eva try to act like Rosa doesn't work there to get here in trouble for coming backstage. (MATT: Even more amusing - Cameron and Eva acting like best friends.) Brie talks merch and fans with Joe Hickey, Manager of Talent Merchandise. (MATT: I can safely says that this probably the closest Joe's probably ever come to having sex with a woman.) He tries to weigh in on her issue with meeting fans -- except John Cena walks in to interrupt, so Brie just totally cuts him off like she's running the red carpet at the Oscars. Brie wants to know why Cena didn't mention the family meeting. (TANIA: YOU ASKED JOHN TO KEEP THE INTERVENTION A SECRET LAST EPISODE, YOU IDIOT!) Cena: "I don't like throwing people under the bus." Brie: "Uh...wow...uh, thanks for that." Brie tells the camera that John's a good man for not making this a bigger mess. (MATT: If she doesn't want a big mess, why is she asking Cena for answers?! OMG...this is already the worst episode of the series...) Cena explains to Brie that it the marriage thing was a "huge elephant in the room" and that Nikki needs to think about things.

Paige is backstage, wearing a fireman's helmet while slithering and rolling around on the ground like a stripper on Shrooms. (MATT: As the backstage crew looks on, conflicted over whether to be aroused or sympathetic.). She gets up and flies into Nattie's arms, squeezing her boobs and telling her they're nice. (MATT: The fans who saw "Fighting With My Family" must feel profoundly ripped off right about now.) She introduces herself to the camera: "My name is Paige, I'm 22 years old and I've been wrestling for nine years. Suck it." (TANIA: At least she's honestly "22". Unlike Rosa's claim that she "felt like 26"...cuz she's a rough 26...)  She says she's been wrestling "as a fetus" because she came out of her Mom, a fighter. Nattie has Steph's "Fit Series" for some reason and the two both squeal about working out together. (MATT: Gratuitous advertising.) Paige is concerned about Nattie and TJ. She invites Nattie to a party so that she can get her mind off things.

Ringside

Rosa and Nattie watch backstage as Paige fights Naomi.Cameron interferes and Paige wins. (MATT: Even Total Divas isn't exempt from shitty match finishes.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie's Car

Nikki admits to Brie that she drank a lot last night: two whole bottles of wine and can't sleep. (TANIA: You know what would be awesome? A drinking game where we drink every single time they do.) (MATT: We wouldn't make it through "Previously on Total Divas".) Brie tells her that isn't good to drink so much and that she can't bear to hear her like this. (TANIA: Only because Brie's the reason she feels like this.) So, they go for a shit-ton of donuts. (MATT: Wine? Bad. Obesity is a much better option.) They eat in the car as Nikki says "donuts make the pain go away".

TAMPA, FL

Car

Nattie says she doesn't really party and she may be "single" but she isn't "ready to mingle". Paige says she can't wait to party with Nattie and says it's time to get "White Girl Wasted".

Party
The "party" is inside an apartment that looks like the only thing a recently-divorced spouse could afford.  

(MATT: And the guests include...)

(MATT: ...White Trash Fandango...)

(MATT: ...your weird, lecherous Uncle Steve...)

(MATT: ...Corey Hart Dudley...)

(MATT: ...drunken selfie chick...)

(MATT: ...and Calvin Klein model Wade Barrett.)

Natttie yacks with Fandango and then eats a brownie while complaining to the camera that this isn't "her scene" because "there's a guy with no shirt on." (TANIA: So, Nattie's comfort level is obliterated by a guy from a summer pool party?) Nattie, Fandango and Paige all chat it up in the corner and Paige asks Nattie if the brownies she's eating are good. Nattie says they're a bit dry. Paige replies that it doesn't matter because they'll make her "feel happy" in a few moments. Nattie doesn't get what Paige is trying to construe and says that she's "happy, happy, joy, joy!" Paige chuckles and says, "But, really, there's drugs in the brownies." Nattie turns green and runs to the bathroom where she barfs up the brownies and tosses what's left in her hand into the toilet. Nattie's not happy and tells the camera that "WWE drug tests all the time." She claims to feel dizzy and tells Paige she needs to leave now. (TANIA: Hilarious. Only Nattie could feel worse while she was high.)

Car
Nattie makes Paige swear to keep this all a secret. (MATT: Ha, ha! Yeah! Keep it on the "down-low"! Because WWE doesn't produce this show and they won't ever watch what their own cameramen film or anything that they air. Let's just keep this a "secret"!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Sumomaya - Restaurant

Bryan tells JJ and Mama Bella that he has to keep napkins near him at all times when he eats because "food gets caught in my beard". Mama Belle's really impressed by this.

(MATT: "Well...at least he's not thinking about using the napkin as a tampon...")

Brie oddly segues from how crazy beard food is to how crazy the Nikki/John situation is and that they need to discuss it. (MATT: Quick! Let's fix something we worked so hard to fuck up!) She realizes that John's really a "good guy" after all. (TANIA: "Just not good enough for Nikki. Ha! Let's break them up again.") Mama Bella magically sheds any blame and declares this "their mission". JJ: "OUR mission..." Brie says JJ pressured her into doing it. (TANIA: Nope. It was all your idea, sweetie.) JJ can't believe what he's hearing and says that everyone is backtracking. Brie tells the camera that she feels like she did the wrong thing. (TANIA: You did.) She says she doesn't know if it's wrong. (MATT: It is.) Mama Bella says it's time to man up and tell Nikki everything. JJ says they already made a decision and nobody can stick to it. Brie: "It's all about what YOU want." (TANIA: SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN AND TALKED HER FAMILY INTO IT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!) Mama Bella's had enough: Nikki will know everything, come hell or highwater because their family doesn't keep secrets. (MATT: Only Nattie does that, guys.)

TAMPA, FL

Gym

Paige wants to talk about last night. Also, she told Emma all about it. Nattie tells the camera that this is bad because WWE is very strict and bars certain cold medicines. Nattie asks how she was last night. Paige tells her she was pretty wild. Nattie loudly declares that she's "never had pot before". (MATT: In front of the entire gym. And Emma. And the camera. Despite wanting to "keep it a secret". Oh, this show...) Paige says she was relaxed. Nattie isn't having this and says she's gonna "Google Marijuana side effects" while Emma looks on, absolutely stunned. Nattie says it stunts movement, makes you panic and hurts your immune system -- which frightens her because she "already has a cold". (TANIA: What, did she click on "GodHatesMarijuana.com"?!) Paige looks concerned. Nattie says she's feeling dizzy, then tells Paige to feel her skin because it's cold and clammy. (MATT: Totally not side effects from her cold.) Paige: "Well, yeah...you're on a treadmill..." Nattie tells the camera that she never wants to be called a stoner.

PORTLAND, OREGON FOR A WWE LIVE EVENT 

Backstage

WWE Senior Director of Talent Relations, Mark Carrano, addresses all the Divas. He says SummerSlam will have two Divas matches this year. Brie will have a match vs. Stephanie and the other one will be the Divas Championship match. Brie tells the camera that her match will be the "highest point" of her career.

PHOENIX, AZ 

Mama Bella's House

The Bella Twins and JJ are at Mom's house. Kathy makes Mac & Cheese like they're 12. Her Mom tells them that they don't look like they've been starving. Nikki asks her Mom if she's implying that they're fat. (TANIA: Time for another intervention...) (MATT: "Nicole...we're concerned about Silicon and whether it's healthy for you...") Nikki gets a text from John. Apparently, he's off to Tampa (MATT: To fuck Rosa now that he's single.) and wants her to stay in San Diego for a while (TANIA: So he can move on to Summer once he's done with Rosa.) and wants to see if Nikki can survive. (MATT: Especially when she finds out that he had a threesome with both women after they figured out that Cena was two-timing them.) Kathy tells Brie that she needs to "show Brie something", pulls her into a hallway and says it's time to lower the boom on Nikki.

Brie tells Nikki everything. Nikki cannot believe that Brie and the family took Cena to lunch and did this. Brie (with a straight face and dramatic music): "It was breakfast..." (MATT: "Oh my god...you guys discussed this over pancakes???") (TANIA: We have 40 more minutes of this bullshit, and I already know who I wanna punch.) Brie and JJ defend their positions and tell her that Nikki wants what she can't have. Nikki says it still doesn't matter. They had no right to do what they did, regardless of the way she felt about things. They shouldn't have taken John to lunch. Brie: "Breakfast." (MATT: Get the facts straight, Nikki. You're out of your element here.) Nikki claims she is happy 99% of the time with him. JJ says that Cena needs to know the facts. Nikki: "HE KNOWS THE FACTS! I'VE TOLD HIM!" Nikki's had enough and storms out of the house. Brie reminds her that she drove Nikki here. Nikki doesn't care. 

JJ and Brie follow her and says that they did this for her. (TANIA: Sure! We did this for you and I backpedaled and blamed it on JJ...but we did it for you!) JJ and Brie argue inside the house while Nikki and her Mom argue outside. JJ says that it's too late to back out of this. Brie says it isn't too late because they never should have done it. Nikki has called a cab. Mama Bella says we all need to discuss this. Nikki gets in her cab as Brie tries to talk her out of leaving. Nikki cracks the window to give her the finger and then rolls it back up. (TANIA: Brie isn't even worth giving the finger to.)

TAMPA, FL

Nikki's back home with John. Nikki leaps into her arms, splitting her skirt as John leers at her and paws her like a convict. (TANIA: Oh, come on. Her skirt didn't "split". She turned it to the side so it looked like it split. This is so forced.) 30 minutes in, by the way, and there's no sign of Alicia Fox. (MATT: That's probably a good thing.)

John's house
The couple toasts with wine. John says that Brie had told him that he should let Nikki go. (MATT: Technically, it was JJ with Brie as an accomplice, but we've already had Nattie get high on pot brownies, so whatever.) Nikki says she hates Brie and never wants to deal with her again.

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA FOR MONDAY NIGHT RAW

Breakroom
The Divas arrive for RAW. Titus is hanging backstage, eating cookies. Rosa gives him a hug and Paig and Emma are in tow. Paige says all she's done lately is stuffed her face with donuts, so she doesn't need to eat chocolate. For some reason, Titus thinks this is a sexual innuendo, opening the door right up for Rosa, who caresses Titus's shoulder and calls him "Sexual Chocolate". Titus mocks her laugh and tells Rosa not to touch him in a slightly disturbing moment. A woman from HR shows up and wants to take Emma for a drug test and Emma goes with her. Paige tells the camera that Nattie's gonna explode when she finds out that WWE is drug-testing today. (MATT: Marijuana might help her to rela--oh, wait...)
 
Nattie's Car

Cameron and Nattie get a call from HR. Cameron puts it on speaker. HR says they are doing drug testing. Nattie is freaking out and claims that HR is "looking for them". Nattie says she has no idea what to do. She tells Cameron about the pot brownies. (MATT: We need to do a shot each time Nattie tells somebody not to tell anyone something -- then says it outloud to a dozen people in a room or reveals it to somebody herself.) Nattie starts plotting, saying that she could lie about being on the same flight as Cameron. Cameron: "Nah, girl...I wanna get to the arena." Nattie cuts people off, then says that she's got it: she's gonna make it look like they got into a car accident. (MATT: This is like Reefer Madness, only it's kinda goofy...) Cameron's panicking as Nattie pulls into an alley and lightly dings a metal dumpster. (TANIA: Good job, Nattie! WWE will never know the true reason behind your absence even though they FUCKING FILMED IT, YOU IDIOT.) Cameron is beside herself as Nattie sits there, actually waiting for the airbags to "go off". Cameron wants to know what was going through her head as Nattie starts apologizing to a local shop owner. Nattie says she now has an excuse to go to the ER. Cameron basically calls her a moron and tells her that Weed stays in your system for 30 days. (MATT: ...and thanks for playing, "EVERYONE IS SMARTER THAN NATTIE"!!! *APPLAUSE*) Nattie finally resigns herself to the fact that Cameron's right and gets back into the car. Then she tells Cameron to "not to tell anyone about this". (MATT: Again...ON...FUCKING...CAMERA...) (TANIA: Seriously, I don't think I have anything left. I don't think anything can top this episode.) (MATT: Alamo Car Rental's probably like, "Remind us never to rent to WWE again.")

Backstage @ BJCC Arena

Nikki "lays down the law" with Brie. Nikki says they are at work, thus, she will stay professional -- but wants nothing to do with her outside of work. Brie just "doesn't understand why Nikki is angry". (TANIA: "I mean, this is CRAZY! I fucked up, betrayed my sister's trust, went behind her back and nearly destroyed her relationship! I have NO idea why Nikki is so mad!") Brie says SummerSlam is gonna be huge for the Bella brand but Nikki is making it hard. (MATT: Nikki's good at "making it hard", if ya' know what I mean.) 

Nattie and Cameron arrive and greet some of the fans who are waiting to get autographs. Nattie promises them that they'll be out to take selfies soon. (MATT: Which is just "not her scene", I thought...) She goes in to see HR Lady, who hurries her into the drug-testing room on-site. Nattie: "Everyone needs to relax! You're gonna get your urine!" (MATT: That's what I tell my guests every single time I host a fetish party...) She finds out that the results won't be back for two weeks.

She bumps into Rosa, Paige and Emma the Mute backstage and tells them about the car accident she told Cameron not to tell anyone about.

(MATT AND TANIA AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO WATCHED THIS EPISODE:)

Cameron comes by with a look on her face and Nattie decides to exit. Cameron waits until she's gone -- then starts spilling the true story. Nattie shows up out of the same portal the Authority came from after Cena brought them back and tells Cameron to shut up. Cameron says the truth will be revealed either way. Either Nattie tells them now or SHE does. Nattie plays dumb and Cameron tells them Nattie hit a dumpster on purpose. Nattie denies it all and Cameron tells her to quit lying. Paige is laughing her ass off and Nattie storms off, telling Cameron to "let it die".

TAMPA, FL

Nattie and TJ's House

Paige visits Nattie at home and bears gifts, jumping out at Nattie in the doorway and scaring her cat. (TANIA: I like Paige. Pile on more of her, please.) It's all cat toys. Once this is done, Paige comes clean: there never was any pot in the brownies. Nattie scolds her and says it's not funny and that she "got into a car accident because of what happened." (TANIA: YOU CREATED THE ACCIDENT, YOU DOORKNOB!) Paige says she's sorry and wants to pay for the damage to the car. Paige plays with Cameron's cats with the new toys but Nattie pushes Paige out of the house and then talks to her cat, telling the cat that Paige is a bitch.

LOS ANGELES, CA FOR SUMMERSLAM 

Backstage

Nattie tells the camera that SummerSlam is the biggest Pay-Per-View of the year next to WrestleMania and that she's excited to see Brie take on Steph. Meanwhile, Nikki runs into Paige and she tells her that she gets to turn heel on Brie tonight. She says it works out because they're not getting along anyhow.

Ringside
Cameron, Eva and Vincent watch the match from backstage. Nattie, Summer and Naomi join the three.We get the match and heel turn with the Divas backstge, fawning over what was one of the worst matches on the card. Steph wins. Nikki tells the camera that the storyline was perfectly-timed.

THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS

(MATT: Eva doesn't want kids, The Bella Twins make up because fuck the audience, and this all culminates in Rosa and Paige making out in the hopes that ratings will finally climb out of the cellar and make their way toward the roof again.)

HUGS AND PUNCHES

DANIELLE:
This week's hug goes to...Nikki & John Cena: The two of them may not be right for one another but they need a chance to try. On top of that, nobody should be getting into the middle of anyone's business.

This week's punch goes to...Paige & Nattie: Paige's joke was immature and ill-timed and she should have told Nattie the truth a lot sooner. Of course, it doesn't help that Nattie's an idiot and should have just told WWE the moment she knew what happened. Instead, she got into a car wreck and acted like an idiot.

MATT:
This week's hug goes to...Paige: Oh, Paige. Paige, Paige, Paige. How do I love thee? We can tell you're not taking any of this shit seriously. I just don't give a shit because this show is a joke and you were the perfect troll. Also, it was nice to see you destroy Nattie who has become the biggest jackass this show (and company) has ever seen. I know, eventually, I will have to call you "annoying"...but at least we'll have tonight.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week is...Nattie: Nattie is the new Nikki. The latter just escapes the list by faking the "victim" routine well enough. Whew...I'm not gonna repeat the reasons why Nattie's #1 this week in this category. The recap should provide enough justification.

TANIA:
This week's hug goes to...Nikki: I'm a sucker for a love story, as silly as it's become. Let's face it: Cena's a man's man and Nikki's his hot little piece. They're made to bone. I hug Nikki because nobody needs to get in the middle of anyone's relationship.

This week's punch goes to...Brie & Nattie: Brie gets a punch because of the aforementioned bullshit with her sister. Nattie gets the punch because she's a total and complete moron. Both girls get DOUBLE-PUNCHED, in fact, in the vagina. Specifically centered at the clit. And I can say that because I'm a girl. Suck it.

Er, that's it.

Tommy will cover NXT and Smackdown to take you into your weekend. Have a great weekend!

Thank you to all the BoD'ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.