WCW Saturday Night: January 11, 1997

Roughly a week ago, I asked you for your best suggestions to a domain I could register to house my writing. It’s clear that some of you know me better than others, and I got some fantastic responses. Some of my favorites that I considered included:

·         siderussianlegsweep.com

·         nitrogrill.com

·         supergiantninja.com (man oh man did this take some restraint)

·         Glacieriscoming.com (which was tempting but it would never get delivered)

·         FitFinlayIsMissing.com (too soon, I’m still hurting)

·         yeteh.com (along with a recommendation to stay away from GoDaddy – whoops, I’d already picked the winner and registered the domain by this point, please don’t disown me)

·         soberbobbyheenan.com

·         facesoffearforever.com (we’re getting closer)

·         FOFO.com (Faces of Fear Online – sadly already registered, the scum!)

·         mengbarbarianandchrisanadventureunchained.com (too easy to remember)

·         recappingdeadwrestlingpromotionsforeeasons.net (hey, that’s mean)

At the end of the day, it seemed apropos that both my favorite suggestion was the one that came from someone who’s been reading and providing feedback on this manic game from the start (cue the love-in), and I thank BigDaddyLoco for brilliantly coming up with KickOfFear.com.

Ultimately, it’s simply an easy archive to find your favorite shows that I’ve covered, and nothing more. It’ll take a bit of time to move everything over, but as soon as it’s all done you’ll be the first to know.

But enough about plugs; you’re here for the jobbers, and I’m here for YOU. LIVE from the TAPED Cyborg Factory, it’s Saturday Night! TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES have some great wrestling action, which will serve as the ketchup to our main course; which is non-stop talk about The Giant and nWo.

SUPER CALO vs. ALEX WRIGHT

Calo’s back from injury – good recovery time! I guess he’s a heel tonight? I don’t remember him doing anything particularly evil, but Wright’s from Germany and they’ve got a solid track record. Meanwhile, it looks like Calo got a new hat for Christmas, and it’s pimpin’.

Calo looks limber, as he circles Wright like a shark, waiting to be hit with a European uppercut. A tilt-a-whirl backbreaker keeps my man Calo down, and Wright gets 1. A powerbomb connects, but again Calo ain’t having that and kicks out at 1. He’s squirmy tonight, maybe refocused after having his career threatened. Wright applies a half crap, but Super hits the ropes for safety. Tilt-a-whirl slam sends Wright up top, but he takes a little over half an hour and Calo cuts him off. A super forward headscissors gets 2! Wright gets up and charges, right into a monkey flip and he’s sent to the floor! Slingshot senton doesn’t rotate completely, and Calo lands on his head. Dusty: “HE’S SWOLLEN UP TOP!” – which is of course his toque. Calo shakes it off, but comes back in with a top rope senton that misses, and Wright levels him with a pair of European uppercuts. German suplex with a bridge finishes at 3:47. Calo actually appeared to kick out; gotta wonder if he didn’t realize that was the finish. Important to note: the hat never fell off. *1/2

TOMBSTONE vs. ICE TRAIN (with Teddy Long)

Oh god yes, you have NO idea how excited I am to see this pairing. It’s rare you’re able to present a straight up, 1-on-1 affair, with such strong potential for record setting negative stars. Train pumps his forearm, blowing that imaginary whistle like a boss. Tombstone hits him with a dropkick (he can dropkick?!?), but the second one confirms my suspicion it was a fluke, because Train hooks the ropes to avoid it, and Tombstone falls right on his head. Fantastic. Train delivers a quick slam and finishes with a variation on the Train Wreck (Vaderbomb style) at 1:45. Such high hopes, such a letdown.

LEE MARSHALL stalks the winning team in the back, and Teddy is so fired up that he decides Ice Train is going to stop the nWo all by himself. Points for enthusiasm! Train vows to spend extra time in the Power Plant to draw up a winning game plan. Sounds Smooth.

HUGH MORRUS (with Jimmy Hart) vs. THE CHEETAH KID

I think this is the first time Jimmy’s spent any time with Morrus in months. Maybe Hart, realizing his empire is crumbling around him, needs to refocus his energy on the loyal soldiers he has left. Rally the troops for a comeback, remind the world why they want to play on Team Dungeon. Perhaps even offer them a nice cold place to sleep inside their dank cave, if it strikes their fancy. Dungeon of Doom Expert Dr. Unlikely also provides us an update on another forgotten member:

Maxx! How long has it been since we've seen him now? Maybe this is what happened to him - he doesn't know how to travel through the portals in to and out of the Master's Cave like Sullivan, the Giant and Hogan, so maybe Maxx lagged behind during a Dungeon meeting and has spent the last 17 years trapped in a cave where the water is surprisingly not hot.

You know, THIS is why I need to be tracking results on an Excel spreadsheet somewhere. It’s 2015, I have absolutely no excuse to be this disorganized and unable to pinpoint the moment Maxx officially got lost. Maybe he figured after the Leprechaun died that he was safe to eat, catching the Kuru himself and is no longer with us? It bothers me that the New World Order are granted 45 minutes of camera time every Monday Night, but we can’t ask Jimmy Hart to give us a state of the union once in awhile. Morrus, meanwhile, seems to be sporting something of a mean streak tonight, adding a little extra oomph to his moves, including a phenomenal puffed chest block of a crossbody. Morrus finishes with a fantastic routine, where he hits the No Laughing Matter, and then rolls Cheetah Kid back and forth, trading a series of “pinfall reversals” with his limp corpse, before finally finishing him off in a fit of laughter at 1:53. Entertainment factor was a high four stars here.

BOBBY EATON vs. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE

This is DDP’s first appearance since the nWo announced his membership, but he’s not dressed in the colors. A confused Dusty sums it up as a “Hawse of a different colah!” You can’t argue with the man, primarily because his counter-points make no sense. Eaton stops the Page squash by hitting a jawbreaker, and takes him down with a hammerlock. That ends abruptly with a Diamond Cutter for the Page victory at 3:11. *

PSYCHOSIS vs. “LORD” STEVEN REGAL (for the WCW world television title)

This is Psychosis’ third TV title shot in the last 2 months, most recently losing a fantastic fight against Regal on the 12/16 Nitro. A fan in a home-made nWo shirt stops Regal to call him stupid on the way to the ring. Regal turns to the camera and tells us: “He has the audacity to call me stupid? He looks like he’s from Deliverance. Go back there, Sunshine.” Psychosis somehow leads a USA chant – what the hell? The fans aren’t even buying it, giving up on the chant in under 10 seconds. After struggling to take down Regal, Psychosis finally hits a legsweep and grapevines the leg – but Regal uses the free one to kick him in the face. Psychosis rolls to the floor, in front of a fan in a Superman t-shirt who tells him “IT’S ALL YOU MAN, IT’S ALL YOU!” Psychosis, not a native speaker of English and unable to use this strategy to his advantage, decides to walk into a European uppercut. He manages to hit a big boot, and dropkicks Regal for a 2 count. Psychosis heads up, and manages to successfully hit a flying elbow – but Regal kicks out at 2 again. Regal wiggles out of a headscissors submission hold, but takes a clothesline. Realizing he’s being outclassed, Regal takes a powder. Back in, a spinning heel kick rocks Regal, so he heads out again. Psychosis makes him pay this time, with a baseball slide, and follows with the rarely seen Senton Psicosis. With Regal back in, Psychosis goes for a splash off the top, but Regal blocks with his knees! The cocky head bobble makes its way out, but Psychosis locks Regal in an abdominal stretch mid-ring with nowhere to go! The referee leans in to ask Regal if he taps … so Regal grabs him and smashes his head into Psychosis’, and that’s a DQ at 6:05! Brilliant retention plan from your hero and mine. **1/2

Demanding answers, LEE MARSHALL stops Regal. Regal declares himself WCW’s heavyweight champion, as the highest ranking champion in the company, and thus he’s the most important person in WCW. He doesn’t care if Psychosis wants a 4^th match, or anyone for that matter. Neither Roddy Piper or Hulk Hogan are “The Icon”, and the only reason he’s not acknowledged in that role is because in 1983 he was in Blackpool beating people up for a living instead of farting around in America. He challenges the entire company to fight, and vows to hang on to the belt so long he’ll just retire it someday. I hope Meng and Barbarian don’t find out about my infidelity with the Lord.

Tony has a huge announcement for Nitro: Chris Benoit returns. Pfft, not as big an announcement as that would be TODAY.

DISCO INFERNO vs. MIKE ENOS

Here’s a fresh new matchup I have absolutely no interest in seeing! Disco dances his way right into a clothesline. Enos puts Disco in a seated position, and grabs Disco’s hand, forcing him to mock his own dance. A big legdrop is followed with a powerslam, and Enos has Disco on the ropes. He gets too fancy, and misses a slingshot senton, giving Disco a chance to go for his leglock. However, he keeps picking the wrong leg in the wrong direction, eventually giving way to a package from Enos for the win at 2:05. Disco promises he’s going to learn that leg-lock if it kills him. Geez, by the time he figures it out he’s gonna be working as Honky Tonk Man’s protégé in the WWF if the Internet is to be believed. 1/2*

SCOTT ARMSTRONG vs. LA PARKA

I’ll give WCW credit, they have a million different combinations of guys they can put in 1-on-1 slots, and they’re proving it here with this positively random styles clash. Parka applies a package early for 2. Speaking of packages, Armstrong might consider making an alliance with High Voltage. Parka hits a mule kick, and follows with a boot to the face and spinning heel kick. For a big guy, he’s damn quick. La Parkinator finishes the squash at 2:01. Nobody’s getting time tonight. 1/2*

Tony excitedly announces that WCW has a new segment!

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO DEBRA MCMICHAEL (as Narrated by former coach Mike Ditka)

I’m kidding on the last point; but the rest is on the up and up. She takes us back to the press school she attended, where she wasn’t well liked because she was so beautiful. But, she can’t help herself, she just is. She walks us around the yard to show us some special places; declaring herself the queen of the school. Apparently we can look forward to seeing this every week.

JIM POWERS and “HARDWORK” BOBBY WALKER (with Teddy Long) vs. THE RENEGADE and JOE GOMEZ

Good to see Walker’s back. I think it’s safe to officially dub him The Future Of Cruiserweight Wrestling Before Mexico Arrived. Sharp viewers will note that this is a landmark match. Yes, with Jim Powers defecting, Team Nipples have officially broken up. I’m a little upset we aren’t provided with any reason, but I guess when you’re a Nipples Man, you’re subject to a little privacy. Who will Alex Wright side with? Is this match for his custody? Because, Bobby Walker pins Gomez after a crossbody at 2:04, which could lead to some very important decisions in the future. And hey, Teddy Long is 2-for-2 tonight, when was the last time THAT happened? Powered by Nipples.

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. REY MYSTERIO JR. (for custody of the Jr.)

Don’t laugh; this would actually be a thing in about 3 years when Booker T fought Big T for control of the T. There’s still like 30 minutes left on this show, and we’re already on our 9^th match of the night. Rey drops Chavo with a shoulderblock, and follows with a spinning heel kick. He calls for the West Coast Pop, and I’m surprised he doesn’t follow through since every other match tonight is ending at the 2 minute mark. Rey goes for a rana, but Chavo turns it into a powerbomb and gets 2. The camel clutch is applied, and Rey sells that puppy better than anyone outside a gymnast. Off the release, Chavo hits a clothesline for 2. Next up, the Boston Crab, but Rey won’t tap. A snap suplex gets 2. Rey tries to slip through Chavo’s legs, but gets caught and powerbombed once more. A standing vertical suplex sends the blood rushing to Rey’s head, but only gets 2. Chavo goes for a moonsault, but trips on the top rope and falls on his face. That gives Rey a chance to hit West Coast Pop and score the pin at 3:24. Rey hobbles out, and appears to have legit hurt his knee. *

THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS (with Colonel Robert Parker) vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri)

Rougeau demands the respect of the fans while they sing the national anthem, but Tony starts criticizing them before they even open their mouths. Colonel: “I have to hand it to ya, that was some amazing singing. Beautiful anthem!” After over a year of watching Harlem Heat several times a week, I am beyond ready for them to split this team up and move on. I have seen everything that Booker T (fine kicks, mad charisma) and Stevie Ray (nothing at all) have to offer as a tag-team. In fact, a full revamping of the tag-team division is in order. Booker hits a nice Harlem Sidekick out of nowhere after several minutes of a beating, and scores a shocking pin at 3:32. The rest was standard fare. *1/2

With 11 minutes left in the show, Tony takes us back to the closing segment of Nitro to chew up all the time. You and I don’t care to go over that again, so we’ll close with something a lot more fun instead. It answers the question that burns inside many of us: Do people actually still answer the phone? Love grease and hair piece.