The hits just keep getting bigger, and somehow WCW manages to top itself week after week. Our lineup tonight includes the Wrestlemania quality group of Jimmy Graffiti, Madusa, and … okay no jokes about the Barbarian vs Luger main event, because I’m already covered in giddy.
TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN welcome us to the studio to talk about Red Hot Lex Luger. I’m amazed that one hasn’t been recycled for Sheamus yet. Cole: “Here comes Sheamus, and you can join the discussion on Twitter with hashtag RedHot.” You’re not laughing, you’re nodding sadly because it’s happening.
REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. PSYCHOSIS
Well, it’s not Sunny “making love” with Fondle Me Elmo, but it’ll have to do. Rey is caught in an armbar, but Rey scoots loose and starts working over the knee of Psychosis. Psychosis works back to his feet, but Rey hits a rana. Psychosis responds by taking him down with a drop toe hold, and drops the leg for 2. Rey charges, and takes a HUGE backdrop over the top – but hangs on somehow and re-enters with a rana off the top for 2! Psychosis ain’t letting the little guy get the best of him, and nails a hot-shot style snake eyes before hanging him out across the ropes. A guillotine is dropped towards the outside of the ring, drawing audible groans from the crowd. A sleeper is locked on, and Tony yuks it up with “HEY HOGAN DO YOU REMEMBER THIS? HAVE A NICE NAP?” Heenan laughs along, and as he catches his breath tells him “Tony, I don’t really like you,” before bursting out in another laughing fit. Missed in this is Rey blocking an attack on the apron, and somehow springboarding himself into a rana taking them BOTH to the floor. Psychosis smashes his head into the turn-table that they call “ringside”, and Rey smacks his knee right down. The referee, showing a strangely high level of responsibility for 1997, throws it out at 4:22. **1/2
JIMMY GRAFFITI vs. BOBBY EATON
Tony, without a hint of sarcasm, starts carrying on about all the top stars joining WCW like “these two guys, Jimmy Graffiti and Bobby Eaton”. I clearly didn’t watch a lot of Worldwide in my younger days, because I seriously don’t even remember Graffiti, and yet I feel like he’s been on every WCW show for the last 3 months. The guys break into a test of strength, and Eaton gets the best of it. Congratulations, you just beat Jimmy Graffiti in a strength match. If THAT isn’t mentioned in his HOF induction, then I’m not interested in having him in the hall of fame! Alabama Jam wins it at 2:55. Is that an upset? I feel like it is, but I’m not exactly sure where Graffiti fits on our food chain. Somewhere between Billy Kidman and Scott Armstrong? DUD
AKIRA HOKUTO (with Sonny Onoo) vs. MADUSA (for the WCW women’s title)
I’m a little disgusted with myself because Madusa’s been looking good these last few weeks. Either she found a hot streak in late 1996, or I’ve got low blood sodium and I’m hallucinating. Tony excitedly announces that WCW is planning on introducing a Women’s Cruiserweight Championship. And no, I’m not making that up. None of these ladies weight more than 150 pounds already, meaning there’s no one who’d be able to fight OUTSIDE the Cruiserweight division. Bertha Faye is with the competition, but probably available for the right price. Don’t rule it out; she may be the missing link to finally put the WWF out of business once and for all (assuming they don’t do it to themselves with “Shotgun”.) The ladies brawl to a double countout, as is the style tonight, at 2:47. Sonny grabs himself a piggyback ride on Hokuto’s shoulders to the back. 1/2*
DAVID TAYLOR vs. LEROY HOWARD
Leroy hasn’t won a match since his days wrestling for Dory Jack Funk Brisco who ran the old BWA out of his South Florida territory that extended from one half of his backyard to the other. Though, for a perennial loser, he shows a lot of nerve by mocking Taylor’s peace sign and walks around like a Brit. He promptly eats a European uppercut for that, and he’s lucky it isn’t more. Fallaway slam wins at 1:41. Tony: “You can’t question what David Taylor means to this sport.” I have never agreed with Schiavone more. Good job Fat Tony. DUD
BRAD ARMSTRONG vs. JERRY FLYNN
Heenan: “LOOK AT ARMSTRONG! He’s wearing Madusa’s TIGHTS!” Frustratingly, Flynn isn’t given an entrance so he can yell at the camera and look like the poster child for fetal alcohol syndrome. Flynn puts on an amazing display of kicks and martial arts, which probably would have done some incredible damage if he’d opted to do it anywhere near Armstrong. Brad nails a dropkick, and takes Flynn down with a headlock. With the advantage, Brad heads up, and takes a roundhouse kick to the midsection on the way down. What was he planning on doing exactly? He didn’t seem to have a move planned, unless he was throwing himself off the top like an excited bride throwing herself into her new husband’s arms. Flynn nails a series of rapid fire kicks in the corner, and then hits a spinning heel kick on the other side. Brad comes back with a sunset flip, but that just frustrates Jerry who beats him down for his insolence. Armstrong comes back with a Dragon sleeper … and gets the submission at 5:16?!? I’m supposed to believe that Armstrong is making Jerry Flynn tap out? I’d like to see that happen in THE BLOCK. *
THE BARBARIAN vs. LEX LUGER
Mad props to my man Barbarian for going at this alone. He doesn’t need Meng or Jimmy Hart, those guys are just along for the ride. Besides, Barbarian owes himself a little redemption after running in on Meng’s behalf last week and getting caught in the Rack AND tapping. It’ll never happen twice. Luger pushes Barbarian to the corner and roars, but it’s probably mind games by Barbarian because on top of being tough, he’s cerebral. Barbarian works a headlock, but Luger fights out. Lex goes for a backslide, but Barbarian ain’t letting THAT happen without a fight. In fact, he has to kick Barbarian in the Achilles to make him fall, and Luger gets 2. Barbarian stalls to get deeper inside the mind of Lex Luger; though he should share ideas with Cobra if he’s really looking to do something special. And sure enough, Barbarian gets back in and NAILS Luger with the Kick of Fear!!! Luger’s only safety net is falling to the floor, but don’t be surprised if he ruptured many different parts off that blow. Barbarian rolls him in, and poses for his legion of fans – the new king of Tonga is born! The stupid fans chant for Luger because they’re stupid. Stupid. Luger tries a sunset flip, but Barbarian fights it for 15 seconds letting out all KINDS of primal noises before succumbing as Lex gets 2. But that doesn’t stop him, he pops back up and clotheslines sexual Lexual. CLUBBERIN! CLUBBERIN! THERE BE CLUBBERIN IN THE CORNAH! This isn’t just a fight, this is a clinic! Barbarian poses like a snake for everyone, just basking in the most dominant display in the history of wrestling. Luger throws an elbow, but Barbarian drops him with one big punch. Going in for the kill, Luger sidesteps a blind charge and punches him 10 times. The clotheslines start, and I don’t care for THIS. Thankfully, Barbarian stops that with a Stun Gun, and drops Luger with a backbreaker – refusing to even go for the pin. Instead, the top ropes are calling his name like a tree to a jungle cat … but he misses the headbutt! Luger throws him in the Rack, and AWWWW HELL Luger wins at 8:49. What an awful booking decision, can’t the company see who their future really is? It’s probably racism. **
The announcers close the show by asking themselves if they’re even invited to nWo Souled Out. Heenan figures they’ll wear disguises, buy tickets, and sit ringside to infiltrate them. “I’ll be Paul Revere, you can be Marie Antoinette!” Tony ignores him and calls for the credits.