Skip to main content

BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE


Prior to the show, Jobber and his Job Mob walk into the arena, wearing sunglasses and looking really hungover. Zanatude has all of the BoD Six-Man Tag Team Titles on proud display. Murph is rolling in a keg as Wade Michael Meltzer asks Jobber how it feels to defend the BoD World Heavyweight Championship against his longtime nemesis, Cultstatus. Jobber lights up a smoke and snaps his fingers as Murph steals Meltzer's microphone. He tells Adam Curry that at BoD Fastlane, he can face him with his team against the Job Mob for the Six Man Titles as the camera shows Zanatude's belts. Jobber then leaves as the rest of the Job Mob follow suit.



In the parking lot, Justice Gray is with the rest of the Administration. He lets them know that they need to recruit a few more members to go up against the Riverdale Covenant at BoD Fastlane in the "Riverdale Block Party Brawl." He also says that GM Bayless is still out with injury and will not be here tonight. Gray then tells Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman to recruit new members. Average Joe Everyman swigs from his flask then heads on his way, along with Gary. Behind, Gray and Bill Ray sit back as Gray mentions that "Plan B" is still in effect.



Backstage, Wade Michael Meltzer is with "Marvelous" Matt Perri and Miss Danielle. He promises us that he has indeed went up to the Alps and has brought back the Stranger because unlike Laughing Sting, he is not a failure. Meltzer seems weary but Perri and Danielle insist we will see him tonight before Miss Danielle sprays the mist as Perri mocks the Stranger, they then laugh as they walk away.



Strike Force & Andy PG vs. Curtzerker & Dock Muraco w/ Biff Kensington III

Earlier tonight we found out that at BoD Fastlane, Strike Force will take on Curtzerker. Match starts with Dock, sporting his "****1/2 or bust" t-shirt trading off moves with Matt Indeed, who successfully removed his windbreaker tonight. Dock uses a Puroresu eye rake as he tags Williams as Indeed is stuck in the opposing corner. Mar Solo, sporting a bandaged wrist as part of burns suffered from brewing coffee, is currently running around on the apron as theberzerker HUSSES loudly as the HUSS Section follows suit. Indeed somersaults away from Curtzerker and makes the tag as Andy goes wild until Dock catches Andy with a knee from the apron. Dock now hits 14 chops and a piledriver, while yelling out "Itsutsu Hoshi." Backstage, Wade Michael Meltzer smirk as he holds up a "***1/4" sign. Dock now heads up top for a leg drop but botches the spot and falls as both men are down as Meltzer just flashed a "**1/2" sign. Andy then makes the tag as Mar Solo is high on caffeine and beating on Curtis Williams. Dock Muraco enters as Matt Indeed sends him outside. theberzerker HUSSES loudly on the apron as Andy hits a springboard missile dropkick that knocks Williams into theberzerker then Mar Solo bounces off of the ropes to hit a flying forearm then gets the win! Biff Kensington is pissed as he tries to console his team, with theberzerker holding his head and yelling HUSS.



The Midcard Mafia are in the locker room. Steve Ferrari tells Magoonie & Nick Piers that he has petitioned to Justice Gray and has been put in the #1 Contender's Match for the BoD Solid B+ Player Title. Ferrari then tells the others that there might be more gold in the Mafia and tells them that they should prepare so he has returned their Toyota Yaris and has rented a ..................................Toyota Corolla!!!!! Wow, how can they afford that? Piers & Magoonie are upset as they cannot afford that but Ferrari tells them that he has it covered.



Standing in the ring is The Fuj. He says that he does not have an opponent for BoD Fastlane but is calling out another top competitor for a match. He then asks for Jef Vinson to come out to the ring. Vinson then comes out with his valet but gets cut off as Justice Gray comes out with a microphone.

You know, Jef Vinson vs. The Fuj could legitimately main event BoD Mania, nevermind any other show. So, I will gladly sign off on that. And, because we need a main event, Jef Vinson vs. The Fuj will happen tonight!!!!!!!!! It will happen as part of a tag team match as Vinson teams with Cultstatus to take on The Fuj and......................Jobber!!!!!!

Gray smirks as Vinson and Fuj stare each other down.



BoD Solid B+ Player #1 Contender's Match
Steve Ferrari vs. Mikey Mike

Ferrari puts the keys of his Toyota Corolla proudly on display near the 113 trophies and awards that sit on the Timekeeper's Table. Ferrari and Mike go back and forth on the mat. They end in a stalemate then shake hands as they lockup again. Ferrari gets the best of that as he works the arm. Mike takes control after reversing an Irish whip in the corner as he beats on Ferrari. Mike gets two with a brainbuster and another nearfall with a catatonic into a backbreaker. Mike now looks to set up Ferrari for the Superman punch but Ferrari dodges that and comes back with a super kick then hits him with the Deadline for the win. Ferrari goes on to BoD Fastlane to challenge Hart Killer 09 for the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship.



DBSM and the C-List Posse are hanging out backstage. They are playing hacky sack as Mark Linn-Baker struggles. The guy who played Waldo from "Family Matters" and Harvey Grant are laughing at him as Baker fires back at the guy who played Waldo that people at least know his name then asks Harvey for his brother's autograph. This leads to bickering until Michael Winslow breaks it up by whistling. DBSM then unites everyone as Jamiroquai passes out matching oversized top hats. DBSM then has everyone make up as they all hug and slap hands. Mark Linn-Baker even offers to but Harvey and the guy who played Waldo a drink at "Dave and Busters." DBSM then tells his Posse that he received a text from Tina Yothers that she is having another party and that Nicole Eggert will be there. DBSM says that he is going to tap that as the Posse leaves but stops when they see Biscuit, wearing his vinyl jacket that reads "Robbinsdale, MN" on the back while holding a gym bag that he got from the opening of a Quizno's from 2002. Biscuit overhears the Posse talk about things like "Uber" and "Dave and Busters" as these terms are foreign to the Midwestern Mauler. DBSM says that he checked the list and Yothers does not have him on it as the Posse follows him out as the camera zooms in on Biscuit and his dinner, which is a carton of Five Alive and a bag of cheddar cheese combos.



Backstage preparing for his match, Kaptain Kiwi is holding the Anchor Cheese poster featuring both Sir Tony Garea and himself. All of a sudden, a man walks into the locker room and puts his hand on the shoulder of Kiwi. He turns around and it is TONY GAREA!!!!!!!! ON BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiwi: Sir Garea, (holds up the Anchor Cheese advertisement featuring both himself and Garea) what is this? 
Garea: Sit down lad, there is something Ol' Tony has got ta tell ya
Kiwi: What is this advertisement? Did you win the sales pitch. 
Garea: Sonny boy, when I gave my sales pitch, the business executives said that canned, processed cheddar cheese sells as well in this country than I did in 1984. So I told them what do I need to do to sell the cheese to all the youth in this country. They tell me that I need a hip, young face of the company, so I choose you as they told me I was, and this is a quote, "old as fuck." 
Kiwi: So, you came all the way to America to make me the face of Anchor Cheese? 
Garea: That's not all my boy. You see, my brother Johnny, he was the flashiest wrestler in all of New Zealand. All the girls loved him and would tug at his shorts hoping to find his kiwifruit. But, he didnt want the spotlight, he wanted me to have it all. 
Kiwi: I never knew that. 
Garea: So, when you had your worst year ever, I was having my worst year ever as Johnny got sick. So I came back to America to get Anchor Cheese going so I can pay for his treatments. Now, the only chance I have is for you to get the job as the U.S. spokesman for Anchor Cheese. And if you lose at BoD Mania II and fail to become the BoD Solid B+ Player Champion, then it will not only be your worst year ever but it will be mine and Johnny's last. So, no pressure but ya gotta win or my brother will die. (Garea pats Kiwi on the shoulder before walking away). 



Kaptain Kiwi vs. Bobby

After that speech from Sir Tony Garea, how will Kiwi react? Bobby takes it to Kiwi after jumping him from behind. Bobby blew off the golden opportunity to drive a psychopath six hours to her male companion's house so he could compete here tonight. Bobby rams Kiwi into the guardrail before rolling him back inside. Bobby puts the boots to Kiwi then sends him into the corner but misses the Stinger Splash. Kiwi fires up and hammers away. Kiwi then catches Bobby with a biiiiiiiiiigggggg back body drop. And a jumping side headlock takeover. He then gets two off of a crossbody. Kiwi then signals for the dreaded Garea Stretch but Hart Killer 09 runs out and attacks Kiwi from behind as the bell rings for the DQ. Hart Killer then reaches underneath the ring and grabs a steel pipe. He heads inside and whacks Kiwi in the arm. Good lord, that could be broken. Hart Killer hits the arm again and again and again. SOMEBODY STOP THIS BRUTALITY!!!!!!! Hart Killer now drapes Kiwi's arm over the apron and heads out as he is trying to snap his arm in half. Wait a minute, I hear a horse. THAT'S NOT JUST A HORSE, IT'S SIR GAREA!!!!!!!!!!!!! The horse gallops down the aisle as Hart Killer bails through the crowd as Garea checks on his injured protege. Can Kiwi even compete at BoD Mania II. What will happen to Johnny Garea?


And now, a video message from Hoss and Biff Kensington:

BK3: My client, Hoss, is not at BoD RAW tonight. You see, Hoss is increasingly disgusted at the growth of frozen yogurt chains across the country and is attempting to do remedy the situation as we speak. Don't you worry, we will you show you what happens when we want you to see it. But for now, here is Hoss with his plans for BoD Fastlane

Hoss: AT BoD FASTLANE, I ISSUE AN OPEN CHALLENGE. AND WHOEVER ANSWERS, WILL GET DESTROYED THEN I WILL SHOVE HEALTHFOOD DOWN YOUR THROAT AS EVERYONE LAUGHS AT YOU LIKE THE LOSER YOU ARE. AND AFTER THAT, I GET ALL OF THE ICE CREAM. 



Backstage, Rockstar Gary and an increasingly intoxicated Average Joe Everyman head back to Justice Gray with three new members: Jose Gomez, Dr. Facts, and "Mean" Dean Andrews. Gray accepts them as they are now part of the Authority.




Backstage, the Upper Midcard Express petition Gray for a tune-up match before their Tag Team Championship match at BoD Fastlane. Gray says that he has two hungry former spambots turned BoD Performance Center graduates looking for a match tonight. Petuka says that he cannot wait to hit them both with the Petuka Bazooka but kbjone interrupts to say that he will hit them both with the One-and-Done. Now, both members argue about who will hit the finisher, neglecting the fact that they actually have a double-team finisher. There is no "I" in team, folks.



Upper Midcard Express vs. Bop Watkins & Slip Karstens

Watkins & Karstens have matching baby blue trunks so you know they mean business! The UMX immediately bop Bop and send him right over the top rope. Slip enters but gets tossed into the corner as kbjone hits him with the One-and-Done. Petuka then picks him up and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, he hits him with the Petuka Bazooka. Watkins enters again as both of the UMX guys hit him with their finishers and they each cover a man as the ref counts to three, with each guy believing that they won their team the match.



And now, "Marvelous" Matt Perri and Miss Danielle are in the ring. They have promised that Stranger will be hear tonight. They then welcome the Stranger back as THE STRANGER'S MUSIC HITS!!!!!!!! And he comes out, OH COME ON, THAT'S NOT THE STRANGER, IT'S A MIDGET VERSION. And look, he is even carrying a mini pulled pork pizza from Papa John's with a tiny packet of Donair sauce. How cute! Perri then asks the midget impersonator about if he is able to win the BoD Writer's Championship back as the little guy says no then stars to cry as Miss Danielle offers him a kleenex then Perri slaps the little guy in the face as the dastardly duo laugh hysterically. The camera zooms in to the rafters as Laughing Sting looks on in anger. GOD DAMMIT, WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF PERRI AND MISS DANIELLE!!!!!!!!!! Where are you Stranger, the old ladies and children need you?



Jobber & The Fuj vs. Cultstatus & Jef Vinson

Jobber looks as hungover as ever here. Match starts with Cult and the Fuj going at it as there is no love lost here. They go nuts as Jobber steps off of the apron and the Job Mob run in and push aside the Fuj as they beat on both Vinson and Cult. The ref rings the bell as the Job Mob have tossed out Vinson and are now beating on Cult. They hoist him up for the triple powerbomb as Vinson tries to break it up but the Fuj spears him. Cult gets triple powerbombed then Adam Curry, Kyle Warne, and cabspaintedyellow run out to even things up. They are all fighting as Jobber has already snuck out through the crowd. Fuj looks down at Vinson as the camera shows Cult on the mat as the show goes off the air.


TUNE IN NEXT MONDAY FOR BoD FASTLANE!!!!!




BoD Fastlane Card

Cult vs. Jobber for the BoD World Heavyweight Title


The Fuj vs. Jef Vinson
Riverdale Covenant vs. Administration in a Riverdale Block Party Brawl
Upper Midcard Express vs. Midcard Mafia for the Tag Team Titles
Logan Scisco vs. "Marvelous" Matt Perri for the BoD Writer's Championship
Steve Ferrari vs. Hart Killer for the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship
 Biscuit vs. DBSM for the C-List Championship
Job Mob vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & cabspaintedyellow for the BoD Six Man Tag Team Titles
Strike Force vs. Curtzerker
Hoss's Open Challenge

Comments

  1. Nerd gimmick Nerd

    ReplyDelete
  2. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonFebruary 16, 2015 at 9:18 PM

    Have I performed an actual move at any point yet? I have an odd hankering for an ice pack...but I'm not sure why.

    ReplyDelete
  3. A few, yes. More is less with theberzerker. You gotta make those HUSS moments special.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonFebruary 16, 2015 at 9:20 PM

    ............I was saying HUSS-A-MANIA.

    ReplyDelete
  5. HUSS, HUSS, HUSS-A-MANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonFebruary 16, 2015 at 9:25 PM

    Hussty Rhodes. And my girlfriend Hussy Hyatt! She's a hussy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The Rocket Owen HUSS

    ReplyDelete
  8. Theberzerker Von HUSSingtonFebruary 16, 2015 at 9:25 PM

    HUSSMAN HART!

    ReplyDelete
  9. The Job Mob's Objectives:

    1. Defend Six Man Titles
    2. Even More Run In Bullshit Finishes Than The nWo

    ReplyDelete
  10. 3. Repeat steps 1 and 2

    ReplyDelete
  11. I want to see a tag team called "Two Left Sharks."

    ReplyDelete
  12. immediately following wm8 no. It was sid/warrior house shows. But warrior was still set to feud with shango shortly after. Sid left and that feud was pushed up

    ReplyDelete
  13. Biscuit walks out of the arena furiously tapping away at his phone. It's an e-mail to C-List champion DBSM.

    DBSM, it's only a matter of time.

    Uber? Tina Yothers? There's a lot of faux nostalgia going on with the coveted C-List title. Just let me say my victory at BoD Fastlane on Sunday will be... Seamless.

    Sent from my Blackberry


    [Looks to camera]

    Waldo Geraldo Faldo? Mark Linn-Baker? Not. Familiar. I'm going to win this belt for *wrestling*.

    [Phone rings]

    Hello? Wait, really? Ian Curtis' house? How much? £110,000? What is that in dollars, $175,000? Yeah put in a bid. Yeah bill my dad.

    Edit that bit out.

    ReplyDelete
  14. So the FameHUSSer is the official theberserker MKD move, right?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonFebruary 16, 2015 at 9:39 PM

    *BoD Exclusive Jef VInson's valet are outside torching a vintage Ford Festiva belonging to the Job Mob. As the smoke fills the air and the sounds of fire engines blare in the distance, Jef Vinson removes his silk doo rag, leans against the wall and sighs.*

    Fuj. I'm not with black on black crime but it's standard wrestling protocol that we either team up, dance or fight. I'm not Jobber so I don't dance with other men and I don't need you as a partner. So that leaves one choice. I'm gonna break your legs into fu*BEEP* right angles at Fast Lane.

    *cough*only$9.99ontheBoDNetworkcontactyourlocalcablesatelitesubscribers*cough*

    Nothing personal, dun. It's the way it has to be.

    As for the Job Mob I see you high-fiving and bumping chests like Milli Vanilli for what you've done. You're not gonna stop me from getting to the ring leader of retards Jobber, so don't be surprised when I pay you cohort of confused co*BEEP*uckers a visit during tat six man match..

    ..prepare yourselves for a *valet brushes hair* BRUSH with greatness.



    *Climbs into Bugatti with his valet and drives off while the sound of breaking glass is heard. Murph kicks out the hatchback window of the Festiva and runs off before it explodes.*

    ReplyDelete
  16. If only there were one more week to waste time. UMX holding an interview segment with Bop Watkins and demanding to know which move caused him more pain (oh, and btw, they still want the titles...kinda) would be gold. "And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How did that make you feel?"

    ReplyDelete
  17. Jim the Anvil HUSSHart

    ReplyDelete
  18. I hope to christ someone from WWE steals the Bop Watkins name. Its gold!

    ReplyDelete
  19. (Archie stand behind the altar of a local church, with the Riverdale Covenant gathered around the front in a semi-circle. Each of the members solemnly rises and places a weapon of destruction on the altar - but WHOLESOME weapons of destruction. A Louisville Slugger, a muffin rack, a host of gardening tools, etc. Robert Davis stands behind Archie brandishing Jughead. Archie speaks.)


    "Fellow Covenant members, I welcome you all to this solemn ceremony.


    At BOD Fastlane, we are tasked with more than the defeat of the so-called Administration. We are tasked with two things - defense and revenge.


    As most of you have heard me say, I grew up to be a fan of nature specials. When the tiger invades the turf of the lion, the lion gives no warnings before striking, and does not seek to wound the potential usurper - he seeks to kill.


    The control of what is yours is everything in the animal kingdom, fellow brothers. And make no mistake, we are animals. And we will defend our kingdom. We will defend it by ripping and tearing the very limbs from the bodies of those who would defile it. We will defend it by drowning the brick roads of paradise with the blood of the Administration.


    We will defend Riverdale."


    (Archie gestures, and Robert Davis hands Jughead to him.)


    "But that is almost minor, my friends. That is but a bit part of the drama we will partake in.


    More to the point, we will avenge Uncle Caliber, my friends."


    (Archie has made his way over to a makeshift shrine, surrounded by candles, of a smiling Uncle Caliber. Archie bows his head.)


    "As of now, Uncle Caliber has returned to Riverdale to convalesce amongst the fine townsfolk.


    But before he left, Uncle Caliber tasked me with a mission.


    Hot Dog, if you would, please?"


    (Hot Dog rises and goes over to Archie. Archie puts his hand on Hot Dog's shoulder, and Hot Dog nods grimly. Archie REARS BACK AND LEVELS HOT DOG WITH JUGHEAD! Hot Dog goes down hard! Archie stomps Hot Dog a few time, but he's out!)


    "Covenant. Put him up."


    (The rest of the Riverdale Covenant grabs Hot Dog's limp carcass and rip off his shirt. They carry him to the cross at the front of the church and tie his limbs. They each dip their fingers into the running blood from Hot Dog's forehead. Archie turns towards the camera while the Covenant continues.)


    "No one has ever laid their hands on Uncle Caliber and walked away.


    You won't be the first."


    (Archie stands aside, and we see that the Covenant has written a word on Hot Dog's chest in his own blood. That word - BAYLESS.)


    "Your reckoning is here, GM Bayless. Prepare for martyrdom.


    Welcome to hell. Welcome....to Riverdale."

    ReplyDelete
  20. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonFebruary 16, 2015 at 9:48 PM

    HUSS-le, Loyalty, Respect.

    ReplyDelete
  21. HUSSERING HUSSOTASH, SON

    ReplyDelete
  22. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonFebruary 16, 2015 at 9:55 PM

    HOTEL
    ULTRA
    SIERRA
    SIERRA


    The HUSS

    ReplyDelete
  23. Making all DAT monay I am in Japan.

    Though I am always open to jobbing in WWE for the extra green too.

    Cuse me while I go wrestle for 40 minutes and get dropped on my head multiple times.

    ReplyDelete
  24. *Calls Bayless*


    "Yeah the show was good tonight boss. Yeah...sounds good. Look Brian, I don't want to lie. I think the Stranger angle got a little too much TV time. I think maybe next week you should book another job mob segment. They say that quarter hour is our top for the female and I want to get over with some new rats...Ok thanks boss you're the best."


    "Oh by the way, I just want to get it straight, was Shelton Benjamin the guy I teamed with tonight or the guy that tagged with cult?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Except with the Invasion, Vince owned BOTH teams. WCW in 1992 was still, theoretically, competition.

    ReplyDelete
  26. For the record, BOD RAW sounds like one of those Netflix soft-core gay porns that always pop up under suggestions for me because I rated Brokeback Mountain Five Stars.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Charismatic eNegro Jef VinsonFebruary 16, 2015 at 10:25 PM

    *Job Mob goes outside to see the Fire Department putting out the burnt up remains of an economy-sized car while the Police Department is questioning Murphy*


    Cop#1: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
    Murphy:" NO, I'm telling the truth! I was on the way to bring this briefcase to my boss when this black guy and a french chick with a pink mink coat hit me in the back of the head with a hairbrush!"
    Cop#1: "Oh really??"
    Murphy: "YES!! Next thing I know I was in the trunk of my car and there was smoke everywhere."
    Cop #2: "Sir we didn't find any sign of this 'black guy' but what we DID find was a burnt up suitcase in the trunk with THIS in it." *hold up brick of coke*
    Cop#1: "So THIS is YOURS?"
    Murphy: "NO! I mean was holding it for my boss! I mean...*looks over and sees Jobber* HELP me, BOSS!!!"
    Cop#1: "Sir, you're under arrest for arson, and possession with intent."


    *Jobber and the rest of the Job Mob runs back in the building*

    ReplyDelete
  28. HAAAAART!!!!!!! HAAAAART!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. That would have been good booking, but remember Hulk was leaving after Wrestlemania, so he would not have been around for those tag matches. I really am quite sure they would not have had Hogan job to Flair in their first marquee match-up no matter what (and it was Hulk's 'retirement' match).

    ReplyDelete
  30. Johnny Garea's life depends on you. Don't let us Gareaholics down!

    ReplyDelete
  31. EAT
    SLEEP
    INTERFERE
    REPEAT

    ReplyDelete
  32. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©February 17, 2015 at 12:02 AM

    Man, I'm really selling this Rumble loss.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Outdrink the Four Horsemen, outcheat the nWo.

    We truly are the Superstars of fake fake wrestling.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Or are they booing Flair (a big heel) for winning)? It's debatable.


    I'd love to watch this "original broadcast version" anyway. I've never seen it and I've watched the 1992 Rumble a dozen times.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Fat, Ugly Inner-City SweathogFebruary 18, 2015 at 2:48 AM

    Hogan vs Sid, with Flair vs Savage or Piper would have been cool as house show programs, saving Flair vs Hogan for the big stage. Flair vs Savage could always be blown off on ppv later

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment