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BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE




The show opens with the Administration standing in the ring. Once again, GM Bayless is absent due to injuries. Assitant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray, has something to say:

"Tonight, GM Bayless will again be absent from the show. The injuries he suffered at the hands of Archie Stackhouse will not keep him away forever and for Mr. Stackhouse and his Riverdale Covenant, there will be hell to pay!!!!!! Because no one, especially freaks from a stuck-in-the-1950's freakshow of a town like Riverdale, will get away for what they have done."

All of a sudden, the Riverdale Covenant comes down to the ring, led by Robert Davis. Garth Holmberg, Reggie, Hot Dog, #1 Fan, and Pee Wee are heading to the ring. Davis now grabs the mic:

"I come here Mr. Gray, not to reminiscence about the past but rather to give you a glimpse of the future. You see, Bill Ray (Camera shows Hot Dog holding up the Letterman's Jacket) you are the one who Riverdale depends on to lead us into the future. Your wisdom is far beyond your years. And for Riverdale to thrive, your presence is needed. So, I challenge you to a match tonight and if you lose, Mr. Ray, you will come to your new home in Riverdale."

Now, we have a duel on the mic

Gray: Oh my Gosh!!! First off, you do not call the shots around here. And last I checked, you were a failed Rockkeeper! You couldn't guard a pet rock from that ingrate Nebb28.
Davis: Mr. Gray, what you have failed to realize is that I no longer acknowledge that slave-like name you gave me when I lived a life to help the system. As myself, I no longer lower myself to the depths necessary to be a part of your Administration. With the power I have now, I must free Bill Ray from the oppression he faces as part of the Administration.
Gray: You can stop talking now. And remember, your fearless leader, Archie Stackhouse, destroyed you and you joined him. When has the Administration used violence against you? (Looks at Ray) What is the tyranny in that?
Davis: Tonight, I will fight for Ray. Tonight, I will face him and if I win, he joins our Covenant.
Gray: You will not do a damn thing tonight. We are booked solid and if any changes take place, its not going to be by you. However, at BoD Fastlane, we need some more matches and I can consider that.
Davis: BoD Fastlane is the same day as the Riverdale Block Party. We cannot miss that and Mrs. Sotheby's Apple Pie Eatin' Contest. So, at BoD Fastlane, how about your crew comes into our town to face us in a Riverdale Block Party Brawl. And if your GM is feeling better, he can come too because Mr. Stackhouse will be there.
Gray: Fine. If you want that, we will be there.
Davis: As you wish. (Rest of the Covenant laugh as the camera looks at a worried Gray)



Backstage, Jef Vinson arrives with his valet. Vinson will take part in tonight's #1 contender match. Will Parallax intervene and enter himself in the match as promised?



Logan Scisco vs. Tommy Hall

We have just learned that Logan Scisco will be facing "Marvelous" Matt Perri for the BoD Writer's Championship at BoD Fastlane. Last year these two fought in a "Monday Night Warz" match at BoD Mania. This year we are getting a repeat but in a different way. Tommy is no longer sporting the benefits of his e-book money as Mitchell & Ness repossessed his entire throwback collection. Also, word out of Panera Bread is that he has been banned by Chet the Manager for not paying his pick-twos. Logan takes control to start as a lifeless Hall tries to escape outside. Hall does and mopes around but Logan runs out and tosses him back in the ring. Hall catches Logan with a shot to the gut then hits a clothesline. Hall whips Logan and goes for a backdrop but gets booted in the face. Logan then leapfrogs Hall and comes back with a flying knee smash then gets the win with a Michinoku Driver. After the match a depressed Hall slides out of the ring and mopes up the ramp. Oh man, Hall has hit rock bottom now.



Lets look at what transpired a few days ago between Kaptain Kiwi and Sir Tony Garea

(At the Kiwifruit Kafe)

Garea: So, my boy. I go away for a business trip to make Anchor Cheese the #1 sponsor in all of the rugby stadiums in America. And after they tell me there are none, I COME HOME TO SEE YOU CHALLENGE THE BoD RUMBLE WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO SAID YOU COULD GO AROUND CHALLENGING ANYONE YA FUCKIN' PLEASED!!!!!!!!! HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE GAREA DUNGEON. 
Kiwi: I could have told you there are no rugby stadiums in the stae
Garea: (Agitated and boots over a stack of Anchor Cheese cans) YA FUCKIN' SPEAK WHEN YOU ARE SPOKEN TO !!!!!!!!! YOU WANT TO WIN THE B+ PLAYER CHAMPIONSHIP OR YA WANT TO LOSE LIKE YA WERE BEFORE COMING TO GOD'S COUNTRY
Kiwi: Where is God's Country
Garea: ITS FUCKIN' NEW ZEALAND. DO YA HAVE KOALA SHIT FOR BRAINS!!!!!!!!!! NEXT WEEK I GOT A MATCH FOR YA. YOU'LL BE FACING A LAD WHOSE LADY FRIEND HE MET ON THE INTERNET DONT WANT TO GIVE HIM HEAD AND THAT MAKES HIM A FIERY BOY!! YOU'LL BE FACING THE TEXAS TRAINWRECK, BOBBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW, GET TO WORK (slams more Anchor Cheese products to the wall as the camera shows a print ad of Garea............and Kaptain Kiwi



Backstage, Jobber approaches Gray. He asks him why he had to be here if GM Bayless was not. Gray tells him to relax and enjoy the luxurious Top 5 lounge. As this happens, The Fuj walks by as Jobber nods to him. Fuj smiles and points at the belt. Jobber tells him that he is right, he is the champ. Fuj then tells Jobber that at BoD Fastlane, he will be the champion. Jobber laughs as Barlow & Munson walk up with his guacamole, green drink, and cocaine as he heads into the Top 5 Lounge.



Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensington III vs. "Pistol" Pete Labozetta & Flyin' Brian Gutan

And the HUSS section erupts as their hero heads to the ring. Match starts with Williams beating on Labozetta. Tag to theberzerker and the HUSS section goes crazy. They count ten HUSSES as he chops Labozetta in the corner. theberzerker hits a side slam and tags Williams. Labozetta makes a comeback and uses a flying headscissor takedown. Tag to Gutan as he works the arm. BK3 then trips up Gutan and laughs as Williams knees Gutan out of the ring. Williams then distracts the referee as BK3 starts to kick Gutan on the floor then rolls him inside. Williams then tags theberzerker and puts Gutan in the HUSS lock as theberzerker screams HUSS into his face and Curtzerker gets the win. After the match, BK3 grabs the mic:

"At BoD Mania II, Curtzerker will become the next BoD Tag Team Champions. And how do I know? Well, it's because Biff Kensington III gets what he wants, when he wants. And what I want is the Tag Team Championship Belts. So, after that takes place, BKIII is gonna take out your young adult daughter, go back to my place, and slam her like a screen door.  Because that is how Kensington Enterprises rolls baby!!!!!!"



Backstage, a depressed Tommy Hall strolls in wearing a plain white T and some off-brand sweatpants. He is holding his plastic grocery bags filled with his belongings and opens the locker then drops everything. The camera shows what is inside as we see a Rony Seikaly Syracuse University Throwback!! Who bought this for Tommy?



The Upper Midcard Express are backstage as they cut a promo on the Midcard Mafia as they are using their rematch clause to get another shot to regain their titles at BoD Fastlane. Petuka says that he will get them back with the Petuka Bazooka as kbjone says he will get them back with his double underhook DDT. They argue as the segment ends.



BoD Six Man Tag Team Championship Match
Midcard Mafia vs. Job Mob

Steve Ferrari asked for this match after he missed the BoD Rumble due to a work-related assignment. He wants to prove to his Midcard friends that he is with them and is hungry for the gold. Ferrari insists that he starts the match as he starts off against Stuart Chartock. Ferrari grabs a side headlock then takes him down as he is showing off his mat skills. Ferrari ducks a clothesline and comes back with a neckbreaker. Ferrari takes Chartock down again, who tags Zanatude. Ferrari catches Zanatude with an armdrag as he maintains control of the match. Ferrari hits a suplex as he is determined tonight, folks. He makes the tag to Magoonie and they catch Zanatude with a double elbow smash. Magoonie now takes control as he works the arm. Zanatude comes back with a thumb to the eye then tags Murph, who flattens Magoonie with a clothesline. Murph chokes out Magoonie as Chartock distracts the ref, allowing Zanatude to illegally attack Magoonie. The ref turns around and orders Piers back to the apron as the Job Mob are now in charge. The Job Mob set up for a triple powerbomb but Ferrari breaks that up as a pier-six brawl now takes place in the ring. The ref finally maintains control as Murph catches Magoonie with a powerslam for two. Zanatude tags and heads up top but misses an elbow drop as both men are down. Zanatude is up first and he makes the tag to Chartock. Magoonie crawls over to Piers but Ferrari overextends his arm and takes the tag. Ferrari is a midcarder gone wild as he uses dropkicks, slams, and hiptosses to take care of the Job Mob. Piers comes in and flies outside and hits Chartock and Murph with a tope. Ferrari is alone with Murph and sets him up for his finisher, the Deadline (STO), but Murph fights out. Magoonie flies in with a forearm to hit Murph as the referee yells at him but from behind Zanatude sneaks in with the belt and whacks Ferrari in the back of his head. Chartock then jumps up top and hits a flying knee smash and covers to get the win! Zanatude takes all of the belts and heads up the ramp with his team as Ferrari collects himself then hits the ropes out of frustration. His teammates head over to console him but Ferrari is still pissed off then leaves the ring.



Justice Gray is backstage with Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman as he tells them to both round up as many people as they can to join the Authority for the Riverdale Block Party Brawl at BoD Fastlane.



Dancin' Devin Harris & Funk Doc 1112 vs. Art Vandelay & Marv Cresto

TIME TO GIT-FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The camera shows Art & Marv backstage talking about "Parks & Rec's" as they are supposed to be in the ring. They keep talking and now they are counted out as they switch over to "Friends." Big win for the Funksters!!!!!!! All of a sudden, Night & X Man come out with a plate of watermelon slices and biscuits as they tell DDH & Funk Doc that they made them a special dinner that "sells out" all of the time.



#1 Contender to the C-List Title Match
Biscuit vs. PrimeTime Ten

The self-proclaimed pride of Canada comes to the ring with just that written on his robe. He points over to Mister E Mahn and his 123 award trophies. Mahn represented timekeepers everywhere at the Grammy Awards last night. And a fine job he did. Biscuit spent last night sleeping in his Buick Regal eating Slim Jim's and drinking water from a tin can. PTT starts off the match with his flashy offense. If he hits the "Maple Leaf Magic" its all over. Biscuit, the grizzled veteran of the BoD, fights back and takes him down with a firemans carry. The action spills outside where PTT sends Biscuit into the guardrail then boots over some of Mister E Mahn's trophies. Mister E Mahn gets up as PTT heads back into the ring. Inside, PTT shows off some more as Mister E Mahn holds up a trophy. PTT gets distracted and that allows Biscuit to take him down from behind. Biscuit now locks on the Stump Puller as PTT has no choice but to tap out. Biscuit is going to BoD Fastlane to take on DBSM for the C-List Title.



Backstage, DBSM and the C-List posse watched the match on the monitor. They are playing doubles ping pong as it is Jamiroquai & Harvey Grant vs. Mar Linn-Baker & Michael Winslow. Hell of a match. DBSM then gets a text from Tina Yothers and rounds up his posse as they order the 6 person car from Uber to meet Miss Yothers at Bennigan's. But first, they all put on their oversized top hats and walk backwards to the car. Oh those wacky hip dudes!!!!! But how will that fair against the serious and thrifty Biscuit at BoD Fastlane?



And now, let's see how Laughing Sting is doing as he attempts to bring Stranger in the Alps back to BoD RAW

(Outside the Stranger's log cabin in the Alps. A dogsled is being loaded up in prepartion of bringing Laughing Sting back to the BoD Arena. Stranger has seen to it that Laughing Sting is sent back with several boxes of Stranger's Super Secret Donair Sauce, as well as a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer.)
Laughing Sting: Man, I feel like I wasted all those bees that died along the way. Are you sure this thing called a "plane ticket" is going to get me back in one piece?
Stranger: Relax, it's not AirAsia. This airline used to belong to Tommy Hall, before the whole e-book crash. It's been pretty dependable since then.
Laughing Sting: (extending his hand) I apologize for calling you a coward. I was a little harsh and disappointed that I couldn't convince you to come back.
Stranger: (shaking Laughing Sting's hand) No hard feelings. I'm happy where I am, especially now that you have provided me with log cabin insurance. I had no idea that an avalanche could have taken all of this away.
Laughing Sting: LOL! Thanks for the donair sauce. I know how hard it is to part with that. The shit's pretty good.......almost as good as you were in the ring. Oh, I almost forgot to give you this. (Laughing Sting reaches into his trenchcoat pocket and pulls out a piece of paper) It's a letter to you from a young fan named Mr. Satan Jr. You were his favorite BoD Superstar. He's a quadriplegic, and can only count to 9, but his penmanship is remarkable.
(Stranger takes the letter as Laughing Sting gets aboard the dogsled)
Laughing Sting: Goodbye, Stranger. I guess I'll see you around. (Laughing Sting departs as the sled carries him off)
Stranger opens the letter from Mr. Satan Jr, which reads as follows:
DEER STRAYNGER, PLEEZE CUM BACK AND BEET MAT PARRIE.
LUV, MR. SAYTAN JEWNYER.
Scene fades to the sounds of Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" as Stranger stares off in Laughing Sting's direction: "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change.....you know it, you know...."



And now, here is Adam Curry with a message for Big Dirty Murph: 

"Murph, you motherfucker, I am challenging you at BoD Fastlane. And next week, you will give me an answer and if you decline, so help me I will wipe you off the face of the BoD. You'll be nothing but the Upstate New York trash I take out each morning. Next week, Murph, I get my answer or you will pay. 



And Hoss has a message for Frozen Yogurt restaurants across the country:

"I HATE FAKE ICE CREAM AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO SELL IT AND IF I SEE HEALTHFOOD PUT ON FAKE ICE CREAM AGAIN I WILL HURT EVERYONE IN MY SIGHT. ICE CREAM ONLY, NO HEALTH FOOD!!!!!!!!!!



BoD World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match
Jef Vinson vs. Cultstatus vs. The Fuj

Match starts with all three guys going at each other. Cult dumps the Fuj then goes straight after Vinson. Those two go at it until Fuj pulls the ropes down on Vinson, who spills to the floor. Fuj and Cult are trading blows inside. Fuj reverses an Irish whip but eats boot on a charge. Cult boots Fuj down again and picks him up for a gutbuster that gets two. Cult chops Fuj in the corner but misses a Mafia kick as he is hung up on the ropes. Vinson hops on the apron and kicks Cult's legs out then climbs up top to hit Fuj with a missile dropkick. Vinson then heads over to Cult and tries the TKO but that fails as Cult sends Vinson into the corner. Fuj charges as Cult ducks and hits Vinson but Cult takes Fuj up with a German Suplex that gets two. Cult then catches Vinson with a back elbow smash before tossing him to the floor. Cult measures Fuj and gets him up for the Jackknife but Fuj punces away and falls on top of him. Those two go back and forth on the mat as Jobber and the Job Mob come out to ringside. Jobber makes Barlow & Munson sit down as Zanatude pulls the chair out from them and the Job Mob all laugh hysterically. Back to the action as Fuj and Cult are beating on each other until Vinson takes them both out with a springboard crossbody. Vinson covers Fuj but Cult yanks him off. Cult then picks up Vinson for the jackknife but that gets turned into a sunset flip. Fuj gets up and hits both men with a clothesline. Fuj is choking out Vinson, the man who eliminated him from the BoD Rumble as Cult is down on the mat. Fuj sends Vinson into the corner and follows with a clothesline then hits a shinbreaker as he softens him up for the ankle lock. Fuj applies the hold but Cult breaks it up. He sends Vinson outside then has Fuj up for the jackknife as he finally hits the move. He covers but Vinson breaks up the pin. Cult is irate as he misses a lariat and Vinson comes back with a dropkick. Fuj runs over and hits Vinson but Cult rams them into each other then takes Fuj up and hits the jackknife for the win!!!!!! Cult then raises his hand as he looks over at Jobber and the Job Mob. It will be Cult vs. Jobber at BoD Fastlane.


BoD Fastlane Confirmed Matches

Cult vs. Jobber for the BoD World Heavyweight Title
Riverdale Covenant vs. Administration in a Riverdale Block Party Brawl
Upper Midcard Express vs. Midcard Mafia for the Tag Team Titles
Logan Scisco vs. "Marvelous" Matt Perri for the BoD Writer's Championship
Biscuit vs. DBSM for the C-List Title


Comments

  1. The Hoss anti-Frozen Yogurt campaign is a money maker

    ReplyDelete
  2. [Zanatude stands with all three belts drapped on his head and dangling in front of his face in some impossible manner:]

    Z: Here I stand. Still wallowing in the muck of avarice.

    [Fade out.]

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©February 9, 2015 at 9:13 PM

    Come on Bayless, you gotta give me ONE MORE MATCH for the Heavyweight title.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Yep Mode" Abeyance Brown ©February 9, 2015 at 9:15 PM

    Also, really, FastLanes? You brought out Wargames, why not No Way Out?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Is xman black? I can't tell from his pic...

    Even so, I'm interested in sitting back and watching it all play out...

    ReplyDelete
  6. ITS THE FASTLANE TO BoD MANIA II

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes. I have plans for that storyline.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Marv got preoccupied with his hatred of Ross and we got counted out. D'oh!

    ReplyDelete
  9. And during black history month, too!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh man.


    I cried so hard when Stranger read that letter. That's some top notch shit right there.


    GREATEST PATHOS EVER!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Get em' next week

    ReplyDelete
  12. I tell you next week we are logging out of Netflix and we're hungry for a win!

    ReplyDelete
  13. When the building doesnt have WiFi, that's when you guys come out guns a blazing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Soon, the student will be the master....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Its' modern day Shakespeare

    ReplyDelete
  16. (We are in what looks like an abandoned warehouse. A hospital bed sits in the middle of the floor, with machines hooked up to an individual in the bed. Archie kneels at the side of the bed, muttering what sounds like a prayer, when the rest of the Riverdale Covenant, led by Robert Davis, enter. Davis speaks.)


    "It's done."


    (Archie nods, and turns to the Covenant.)


    "My Covenant. My brothers. I thank you for being my proxy as I keep vigil over Uncle Caliber. Brother Robert Davis, you have proven yourself to be all that I thought and more."


    (Robert grins and looks pleased. Archie stands and looks directly into the camera.)


    "Look upon ye mighty works, Administration, and despair.


    You have wrought the consequences of your actions, and in due time, they will become clear.


    It is said that the sins of the fathers will be visited on the sons; let me make something perfectly clear to you, GM Bayless.


    I know true pain now, GM Bayless. I know hurt and loss. Believe me when I tell you, the sins that have been visited on my father....(He indicates the bed)....will be visited upon you.


    You won't see it coming, GM Bayless. Just know that the shattered bones that will define what's left of your existence will never heal....just as the shattered remains of my soul never will."


    (Archie takes a knee as the Covenant surrounds the bed, continuing the vigil, and as we fade out, we hear them muttering in unison.)


    "Welcome to Hell. Welcome.....to Riverdale."

    ReplyDelete
  17. Now I'm imagining Punk's Death Before Dishonor promo where he insults the crowd by noting the building doesn't serve alcohol except instead of booze it's WiFi.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Tony Garea had a brother Johnny. Mind Blown

    http://magazine.fighttimes.com/tony-garea-comes-home-to-new-zealand/

    ReplyDelete
  19. Everyone knows that the never-seen-only-felt-before-going-unconscious Petuka Bazooka is the real draw. It's easily the most Potent, the most Powerful, the most Puissant finisher in all of existence.

    Why would anyone, especially KB, try to keep me away from being tag team champions. I am the tag team champions.

    #TheZook

    ReplyDelete
  20. This is a real thing? The reverence for him is hilarious

    ReplyDelete
  21. You guys need a Heenan or a Cornette to keep Marv from ranting against Ross.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Sweet Jesus, I never knew about Johnny. Perhaps Ive been training under the wrong Garea....

    ReplyDelete
  23. Who would joke of such a thing? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WOULD DO THAT ?

    ReplyDelete

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