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Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 14 - "Insecurity Breach"

In our last epsiode...

  • Paige annoyed Natalya by using sexuality in their matches together. Nattie (probably getting more action in ring than out of it the way her marriage is going) asked Paige to stop and, to no one's surprise, she didn't. Nattie claimed she would harass Paige back, but I'm sure this storyline will dead end because reasons.
  • Nikki was convinced that she was a better athlete than John Cena, so she challenged him to a decathlon of events to be picked by a friend of his that  The events included miniature golf, Skee Ball and Beer Pong -- with Cena dressing in outfits that matched each one as he's rich. He beat Nikki at them, which annoyed her. Somehow, he got her to apologize for taking the games too seriously.
  • Eva Marie found out the silicone breast implants she had were leaking. She tried to put off having them removed as her career was on an upswing and taking time off would work against her. Her husband called her boss which left Eva Marie was furious, then ended up apologizing to him after she had the surgery. 
Let's see what crazy hijinks we can get into this week...

LOS ANGELES, CA

Jon and Eva Marie's Apartment
The twins visit Eva Marie who is recovering from her surgery (seen last week). Nikki asks how "the girls" are going while motioning to her own implants. Eva decides to show them by pulling her shirt down so they can see how swollen they are. Nikki and Brie both feel them.

(MATT: Slow down! I haven't even opened up the fucking
wine yet so we can properly enjoy this episode!)

Nikki's amazed at how "warm" they are to try to get her twin to want to get hers done so they match. Jon arrives with appetizers and, instead of enjoying the free show and  shatters his "window of opportunity", telling Nikki and Brie not to touch his wife's boobs. Out of nowhere, Brie calls Nikki out for not wearing underwear and says they have to let Eva know so she can wash the couch when they leave. Jon sprays the couch with some cleaner after Nikki gets up. Nikki's humorously offended and says she doesn't leave "snail trails." (MATT: I can smell this scene...and I think I want to throw up...) Brie says she can't sit anymore there and pulls her sister down on her lap. Nikki humps at her. (MATT: What the actual fuck did I just watch?!)

TITLES.

WICHITA, KS

Old Town Wichita
The Bella Twins walk through the brick-covered streets of Wichita, comparing it to "New York". Nikki says it's "fun" to imagine being "born in the 20's". Brie gets real deep, arbitrarily speculating that "the man who invents the time machine will be, like, the wealthiest man on the planet." (MATT: Thankfully, they stop there because Brie's head would have exploded like Scanners had she continued that line of thought.)

The Brickyard (Restaurant)
The twins, Nattie, Cameron (and surprise cameo, Naomi) are meeting for brunch. Nattie, for some reason, asks what happens to the people who robbed Brie and Daniel Bryan's house recently. Brie says one went to jail and two others are "trying to get parole". We get a quick retro montage of news reports on the event, including the bit about Daniel Bryan putting one of the burglars in a "rear naked chokehold" so he couldn't escape. Brie says the cops told them they should get a gun and admits they still don't have a burglar alarm. They do have Josie, but she's probably as worthless as a watchdog as Cameron is in the ring. (MATT: Oh, you...) Nattie says the burglars might want to come back for revenge. (MATT: And you can see the second robbery attempt for only $9.99.) Brie says she doesn't wanna talk about it. Nikki tells the camera that her sister is naive and that if it were her, she'd have the best security system ever. (MATT: If the burglars can get past the guards manning the gate to Cena's property, that is.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Jon's Car
Tara Carrano, WWE VP of Communications, calls Eva to let her know that Muscle and Fitness Hers wants her to do another photo shoot. She reminds us that she is the first Diva to get a cover. (MATT: Despite the fact that she's does nothing at all, ever in WWE.) In our new weekly segment, "What the Fuck's Wrong With Eva Marie This Week?", Eva states that she's nervous as she hasn't worked out since her surgery and has a very short time to bust her ass in order to look good. (MATT: Yeah, she'll need to shed that whole pound she picked up.)

TAMPA, FL 

The Poppy Boutique
Rosa is shopping with Paige. Paige tries on a headband and Rosa mocks her by saying she looks like Brie. Rosa says she needs to get more Botox, but Paige says she already looks beautiful. Paige tells the camera that Rosa has confidence issues. (MATT: Which is why she has no problem hitting on anything that moves.) The girls try on clothes. Rosa tells the camera that Paige really turns her on. Rosa says she wants more plastic surgery and Paige tells her she doesn't need it. (MATT: It's a trick, Paige. Get an axe.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Gym
Eva Marie is working out with Cameron. Eva loses her footing while on the treadmill and Cameron asks if she is OK. Cameron tells the camera that she gets why Eva's doing this but that she's hitting the workout too hard. After an intense workout, she goes back for more.

PHOENIX, AZ 

Brie and Daniel's House
Daniel is setting up the alarm system he got for their house. He informs Brie that the system is now working and fully alarmed (MATT: And frankly, concerned. Thank you. I'm here for the rest of the show.) and their sliding glass door is now bulletproof. Brie says she likes the alarm but hates that she needs it. (MATT: Didn't this happen months ago?) She also might think about getting a gun. Daniel says it won't stop people from approaching the house. Didn't we just see this same story with Eva and Jon?

TAMPA, FL 

Alicia's Fox's House
Alicia and her sister and are there when Rosa and Paige arrive. Rosa and Paige sit on an old leather sofa, writhing and moaning, while Paige says the couch is "so sexual". Alicia and her sister chuckle uncontrollably from across the table. (MATT: Did I miss a scene where everyone popped Ex like Tic Tacs? I don't get this at all.) Rosa asks to see Alicia's closet Paige informs the camera that the three of them are the "Three Amigas". (MATT: All of the sudden.) Rosa tells Alicia that they need to go out tonight so that Rosa can find a "pretty boy or pretty girl". (MATT: No confidence whatsoever.) Alicia's sister looks a bit weirded out by Rosa's preferences and tells Rosa that she has not been with a girl. Paige confesses that she has. Paige leaves the house to work out and Rosa tells the remaining girls that knowing that Paige has been with a girl, her feelings for her have "evolved". (MATT: "Evolved"? They've been together all of two minutes.) Alicia's sister says she is coming on too strong and Alicia agrees, saying that Rosa is misreading Paige's feelings.

WWE LIVE EVENT

Backstage
Eva is freaking out that she won't be ready for the shoot. She tells Nattie and Rosa that she has been skipping meals. Eva complains that she thinks she looks fat in a promo photo plastered on one of the WWE buses. Cameron is disgusted with Eva as she thinks she looks great. Cameron says that WWE Divas are "role models" who "empower women" (*MATT SPITS WINE OUT OF MOUTH*) and that Eva wouldn't even be a part of WWE if she wasn't "The Bomb Dot Com". (MATT: There has to be some sort of monetary sum that will make Cameron stop saying that phrase.) Titus O'Neil shows up randomly. (MATT: Kinda like he does on WWE programming. Hi-yooooo!) Cameron asks Titus to rank himself from 1 to 10 on the "Bomb Dot Com Scale". (MATT: NOBODY can deny the science behind the results of this scale.) Naturally, Titus says he's a "10". Cameron asks him to rank Eva and he gives her a "10" as well, adding "you fine". (MATT: Dr. O'Neill has spoken. Time for the peer review.) He tells Cameron she is an "8.5" due to "her attitude". Cameron takes this seriously (MATT: Yes, but seriously as one takes Goofy Golf? I doubt that.) and keeps arguing with him and he keeps dropping the number while Cameron keeps shrieking "EWWWW!" in response.

SAN ANTONIO, TX 

Olympic Gym
Brie, Cameron, and Nattie (MATT: The Three Amigas!) are working out with Vince McMahon's personal trainer. He has them do jumping jacks, push-ups, leg lifts. Brie says she has to step up her safety game. The personal trainer reveals he worked in security for 23 years and recommends dogs, barbed wires, and, basically, things that make a house look like trouble.

TAMPA, FL

Mise En Place (Restaurant)
Alicia is having dinner with Rosa and Paige. Paige "dressed up" which for her means wearing black as usual and a bare midriff. (MATT: I swear Paige has a closet of 75 of the same outfit.) Alicia asks Rosa if she wants a family some day. Rosa says yes. Alicia asks if she sees herself ending up with a man or a woman. Rosa says she likes females the most. Alicia tells the camera that she "feels like a third wheel". (MATT: That's "a fifth wheel". Look, if I have to watch this shit, can I, at the very least, watch women who have some sort of functioning brain inside their heads?) Alicia says she loves hanging out with Rosa and Paige as they flirt in front of her. Later, dinner gets out of hand. Paige fakes a fall to the ground but gets up quickly as Alicia LOUDLY announces to guests nearby that "Rosa ran by and hit Paige with her tits." The three decide to leave. (MATT: Or they were tossed out. The guests seated near them didn't look happy.) Rosa's cab arrives, Rosa asks the cab driver to wait for a moment, then gives Paige a really awkward and uncomfortable-looking kiss. (MATT: Oh brother, not only would seeing this not turn a single viewer on, it would give them fucking measles.) Paige asks what that was for. Rosa said she was getting signals from Paige, but Paige says that wasn't true at all. She says that Rosa deserves the man or woman of her dreams, but it's not her. Rosa insists that things like Paige texting her back right away and flirting with her meant she was interested. Paige denies this and says that Rosa must not have had a proper friendship before, thus her mistaking friendship for love.

PHOENIX, AZ 

Airport - Daniel Bryan's Car
Daniel picks up Brie with Josie in the back. Brie asks how Josie was and learns that she's been pooping in the garden more. Unconcerned, (MATT: And because casual dialogue on this show is more fake than the manufactured storylines,)  Brie segues into the great workout she got with Vince's trainer. She says they should put up a "bob wire".

(MATT: "Bob" wire?! Can we just have this be the final episode please?)

Daniel makes fun of her for the mispronunciation and can't stop laughing, despite Brie shouting at him to shut up and stop making fun of her. Brie says, "That's weird to say...'Barb's wire'." Again, Bryan corrects her and tells her it's "Barb Wire" because the wire has sharp, pointy barbs on it. Brie tries to talk over his laughing and says they should get a "motion sensor dog bark" if "that exists". What, does Josie meow? Bryan says he has an even better idea: a gate-activated crossbow that would fire at anyone trying to enter. Brie says, on camera, that she LOVES Bryan's "crossbow idea" and that she wants to set the house up for war. (MATT: Once again...the sex better be out of this fucking galaxy...)

ORLANDO, FL 

WWE Performance Center
Rosa and Paige work out in the ring and it is mentioned that they have not heard from Rosa since their dinner together. Paige confesses Rosa kissed her. Alicia said she warned Rosa not to do that. Alicia suggests that Paige was sending mixed signals. (MATT: You mean "she was asking for it"?)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Sky (Boutique) 
Cameron and Eva are trying on clothes. Eva does not come out of the dressing room. Cameron knocks on the door, concerned, then enters. (MATT: And is shot and killed by a motion-control crossbow.) Eva is sitting down and saying she got light headed. Eva says she hasn't eaten since lunch the day before. 

PHOENIX, AZ 

Brie and Daniel's House
Brie has hired a contractor to put "bob" wire in (MATT: Yes. She says, "Bob" wire again.) and Daniel finds out about it only as he's coming home and seeing it being installed. (MATT: Yeah, Daniel Bryan, who keeps track of every dime the two of them spend totally didn't know about this.) He says it makes their house looks like a prison. He says they should do it to their neighbor's homes without asking as well. He makes fun of Brie's "beware of dog" sign as well since Josie is a little ankle-biter.

ORLANDO, CA 

Paige's Car
The girls miss Rosa and want her to join them for some fun. (MATT: They're going for a walk near a lake. What kind of "fun" could they possibly have?) Paige calls her and it goes right to voice mail. Alicia says if she calls and Rosa answers, then it was all Paige's fault. Rosa answers on the second ring. This makes Paige mad.

Gator's Dockside (Sports Bar)
Rosa describes where she is, so the girls go to see her. Rosa is sitting with four dudes who all look more than interested in Rosa. (MATT: Yeah, and she's "giving signals" and "asking for it".) Paige is pissed when she discovers Rosa is drinking. Rosa denies this and tells her that it's a Diet Coke. Paige takes her away to talk to her and says Rosa made things weird. Rosa said that Paige made it seem like she liked her. Paige: "SINCE FUCKING WHEN???" Alicia tries to be a peacekeeper. 

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Cameron's Car
Cameron says she and Jon have a surprise for Eva Marie. Cameron has spoken to Jon about Eva's body issues. Eva feels threatened that they are in cahoots together. She feels like she is in an intervention.

PHOENIX, AZ 

Brie and Daniel's House
Brie is washing dishes and Daniel says she is washing dishes "like a good wife should". (MATT: Later, they'll have sex because Brie was "asking for it".) Brie says she wants to leave the fence with the "bob wire" up. (MATT: I can just picture cameramen and producers, off-screen, whispering, "BARB wire...it's BARB wire!") If they take it down, she wants to move. Daniel reminds her how much work they spent on the place and that he shoveled dirt for 16 hours just to put in the fencing. He says they can start a neighborhood watch if that will make her feel safe. She says she will probably feel safe after she goes to some watch meetings and if she does, they can stay. She agrees take take the fence down because women are always wrong on this show.

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Jordan (Artist's Loft)
Here's the plan: Eva has to look in the mirror and tell an artist what she looks like and he will draw what she describes. Then, his assistant will describe what she looks like to the artist and the artist will draw her again based on that description.And, wouldn't you know it, Eva describes how fat and dumpy she is. The artist sketches what she says. Then Christopher, his assistant, looks at Eva and describes her to Jordan and he draws his version of Eva. Eva bursts into tears when she is shown the two drawings.

(MATT: "The right one is what you could look like if you lost that pound, fatty.")

Not one to be upstaged, bursts into tears, too. Jon says that she has to know how beautiful she is. Eva says that it's hard to believe that she's that beautiful because of "all the stress in her life". 

ALBANY, NY 

Hotel Lobby
Alicia and Paige are joined by Nattie, who is happy she got laundry done. Rosa walks by and Paige tries to say hello. Rosa says she has nothing to say to her and walks away. Paige explains the situation to Nattie. The girls tell Paige she is so flirty and probably gave off the wrong signals by mistake. (MATT: That's right - another woman telling Paige that it's HER fault that Rosa mouth-raped her. All Paige's fault.) Alicia doubles down and tells the camera, "Paige needs to be careful next time and be more clear of her intention." (MATT: Having lately put up with multiple uber-feminists who don't believe that women don't victim-blame and that it's "soley men" that do this, I'd love -- LOVE -- for them to explain this episode to me. Please.)

ALBANY, NY for Friday Night Smackdown

Ringside - Summer Rae vs. Natalya
Summer Rae and Nattie are fighting in the ring.

Backstage
Paige proudly wears a fake fur coat. She takes Rosa to a private room to apologize for making her think she wanted anything more than a friend. Rosa says she's been rejected so much that she's fragile, "like glass that can break at any moment". (MATT: So, she needs to kiss...other...glasses that are...solid. I guess...) Rosa says Paige can still flirt with her and she won't take it wrong. Rosa says it means so much that she said she's sorry. She never heard Paige do that before. Paige says she rarely does because she doesn't have a heart. (MATT: And, so, Paige is sorry that Rosa kissed her because she was really asking for it. What a message.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Photo Shoot
Eva is getting made up and they put tanner on her. Then they put it on her stomach and emphasize how "tiny" she is. Eva nails the photo shoot because, weird as it sounds, she wasn't really fat. (MATT: What a twist. Somebody call M. Night Shyamalan.)

HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle
This week's hug goes to...Paige: Being flirty doesn't mean you want someone to kiss you. While I don't believe she's never apologized before, it probably is a rare moment in her life, so between dodging kisses for being herself and having some personal growth, she came off pretty normal and as somebody one could relate with.

This week's punch goes to...Brie: Even if the robbery was recent (not, say, months ago when it actually happened), putting in barbed wire without even consulting her husband was quite immature. When you share a home and finances, you share decisions like that.

Matt
This week's hug goes to...Paige: She's gonna be in this slot forever. I don't give a damn if she's punching kittens and clubbing baby seals. I'm beyond baffled that she'd even be involved with a storyline where she was blamed for somebody attempting to make out with her.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week is...Cameron: She edges out Brie simply because Brie had good intentions behind her actions. Cameron is like that teenager who never grew up. Every single thing she does in and out of the ring is annoying. Everything she says is annoying. Her gimmick is annoying. Her voice is annoying. 

Comments

  1. I for one am shocked the Bellas are low-rent Arizona trash who would feel up implants and go on and on about snail trails on national TV. Nikki trying to goad her sister into implants is also classy.

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  2. "Mean" Dean AndrewsFebruary 6, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    In my house, we couldn't decide what to do on New Year's Eve recently, so we settled for trying E for the first time whilst watching Total Divas.


    It was *amazing*.


    That's all I have to say, because we're several episodes behind you still at this point.


    Also: this season needs more Vinnie partying whilst everyone else looks pissed off.

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  3. "Mean" Dean AndrewsFebruary 6, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    They're veterans, you watch your tongue, or you'll be pulled up in Divas' Court.

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  4. How many of the divas are recovering alcoholics?

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  5. And there's just no way "she was asking for it" would have been okay if Paige was kissed by Damien Sandow.

    This show is fucking embarrassing.

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  6. Finally, I wonder how much total divas footage will be used in the inevitable Bryan Danielson/Brie Bella divorce proceedings.

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  7. Will they air the divorce on the Network? For only $9.99?

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  8. Ironic, since Cameron proclaimed the Divas to be "role models" who women "look up to" in the same episode.

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  9. Actually I think this couple has the most potential to make it of any of them on this show.

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  10. I <3 Paige so much.

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  11. Even when she's faking these awful storylines, she's still the most real person on this show.

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  12. This episode has me close to giving up. I was hoping the surgery would've written off Eva. Eva and Cameron are worthless. .are either one actually on any shows? Not so dumd its funny but turn the channel annoying. getting to ridiculous and starting to stuggle to watch w wife.

    If Rosa really is that desperate, if still single and younger, I would be tempted to hang at hotel bars when wwe comes thru just for the eeasy score.

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  13. You two do a great job on these recaps - keep up the good work!

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