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Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 15 - "Girl vs Girl Bye"

In our last episode...

  • Eva Marie was selected for her second Muscle & Fitness Hers cover because, apparently, they don't realize there are other Divas who are not only in shape, they actually wrestle, too. She freaks out about her weight, and barely eats and works out too much until Cameron becomes concerned. She and Eva's husband, Jon, team up with an artist to show her that though she sees herself as fat, she's in the 1% of people in terms of fitness.
  • Paige, Alicia and Rosa hang out and declare they are the "Three Amigas" when, in reality, they are really "The Divas Nobody Cares About or Will Hang Out With". Paige acts like her flirty self and Rosa kisses her. When Paige says she's not interested, Rosa goes out of her way to avoid her, enlisting Alisha to attempt to fix their friendship.
  • Brie, having a delayed reaction to her home being the target of an attempted robbery, hires contractors to put in barbed wire that her husband, Daniel, didn't want. He convinces her that they can form a neighborhood watch and she decides that might make her feel safe enough to not need to move.

Who will Rosa stalk next? Will Nattie be miserable? Who is DABOMBDOTCOM? How much boob will we see? What the hell's wrong with Eva THIS week? Matt and I crawl through the muck that is Total Divas...

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki's House
Nikki is ready to work out so, naturally, John Cena (who, at this point, I'm convinced owns more costumes than a Hollywood wardrobe shop) walks outside to join her, dressed in a wrestling singlet with a Luchadore mask for some reason. Nikki's somehow turned on by this (MATT: Some where, Sin Cara is grinning.) and tells the camera that when her man comes out in spandex, she wants to do "cardio inside", so she decides to have sex with John rather than work out. She goes Fifty Shades and tells him to put the mask back on as they go inside. (MATT: She took THAT "seriously", didn't she?)

TITLES.

DALLAS, TX for Hell in a Cell

Ringside - Nikki vs. Brie
Nikki and Brie have a match against each other as -- at this point -- WWE had to blow off their feud after they made up, by inertia, on Total Divas. Brie tells the camera the person she's always wanted a match against was Nikki. The crowd does the "Yes" chant to cheer on Brie. (MATT: Which I still don't understand. Bryan's a face. Brie's a...heel? I guess? It's not clear. So, it's weird to see Brie doing a YES chant when Nikki and Brie aren't faces.) Brie uses the Yes lock on Nikki but Nikki breaks free. Nikki wins and the crowd boos her.

AUSTIN, TX for WWE Superstars

Backstage
The Three Amigas are still friends this week and hang out backstage. (MATT: Oh, thank god.) Rosa points out how dry her lips are. Paige jokes it looks like she has herpes. (MATT: And Rosa storms off, saying she no longer wants to hang out while Fox pouts with concern.) Rosa says she doesn't have herpes. Paige goes into protective "whoa, dude" mode and says she was just joking about the Herpes. (MATT: Because dry lips totally look like Herpes.)

Ringside - Tyson vs. Sin Cara
Nattie is now Tyson's valet and tells the camera it's awkward for her because of their (MATT: totally fake) separation. A bunch of fans chant "NATTIE'S HUSBAND" during that match, which really sums up his ring persona quite well. Tyson wins against Sin Cara, which also does his credibility no favors. It's like our cat, Inky, defeating a leaf that wandered in from the patio. Nattie tells the camera that "the struggle between them is real" (MATT: As real as her breasts.) and no one over 5 years old watching this show is fooled.

Backstage
Nattie goes to TJ and calls him out in a whiny voice. She tells the camera she has waited her whole career to work with him and now that it's a reality, it really sucks. He admonishes her, telling her that, when they go through the curtain to the ring, they are working. This is surreal: WWE and Total Divas are supposed to line up. Total Divas would have us believe that TJ and Nattie are on the cusp of a total split while WWE Creative thinks that they're the Macho Man and Elizabeth. Every other Diva's storyline reflects Total Divas. (MATT: Nothing makes sense anymore in WWE. This Monday's edition of RAW was a major indicator of that.) 

"The Three Amigas" goof off backstage by pushing each other around on a service cart, down the hall. (MATT: Total disregard of OSHA regulations is SO FUNNY!) They see Cameron and Alicia is reluctant to be nice to her as they have "a history". (MATT: They do?!) Alicia storms out even using Cameron's oh-so-clever "Girl, Bye" line. She tells Rosa and Paige that she is trying to be cool with everyone but Alicia won't have any of it. Rosa invites her on a "girl's trip", (MATT: Another one?!) which is comprised of Rosa and -- surprise!!! Alicia Fox. Paige can't go because she'll be with WWE's Worldwide Tour in Malaysia. (MATT: Rosa, pro-tip here - if it's you and another girl, you might as well give up and stay in town to take in a movie.) Cameron likes this idea. (MATT: Which, considering the most recent stand-off between Fox and Cameron, makes NO sense whatsoever in any fucking dimension you happen to inhabit.) She says that her and Fox can bond personally and, as they are both heels, they could join forces in the ring.

Elsewhere, Dolph Ziggler flirts with Nattie as she's hanging out with Naomi. He says he wants Nattie to text him. She says she will "once she's on the market". She tells Naomi that her dad is sick, her relationship is a mess, and all she has now is work. To make matters worse, she has to fumigate her house and stay in a hotel. Naomi offers to let her stay with them, (MATT: Like last time when that ended well.) and Nattie agrees but she needs Naomi to pick her up as our Calamity Jane has transmission problems on her car. (MATT: What is she, Job all of the sudden?!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Luci's Healthy Marketplace
Brie drags Nikki in to get coffee and grocery shop. Nikki finds a horse mask (MATT: Totally not just placed there by the prop department because those are readily available at organic grocery stores all over the country.) and forces Brie to put it on for a photo. Then Nikki proceeds to call Brie an "idiot" for being subservient and doing what she says. (MATT: Creative's shitty Bella storyline's leaking into other programming...ugh.) Anyhow, we go from horse heads to making good on contractually mentioning vaginas at least once an episode by browsing for organic tampons, which Nikki claims "naturally works with your body". (MATT: Are the tampons debating legislation inside her womb? What does that even  mean?) Nikki also points out "vegan-certified condoms". (MATT: Which totally sounds like something Nikki would use since she's Vegan.) Brie mentions she doesn't use condoms as she's married, Nikki, apparently only knowing one form of birth control that exists, tells her that if she doesn't use condoms, she'll have babies. Brie admits she isn't on any birth control as that's putting chemicals in her body. Instead, she has Bryan use the pull out method which Brie dubs, "The Old Fashioned Way". (MATT: Right now, Luci's Market's like, "The publicity's worth it, the publicity's worth it, the publicity's worth it...") (DANIELLE'S NOTE: I was in college when I heard the joke, what do you call people who only use the method for birth control? Parents.) Nikki tells her that she needs to think about their career, which makes no sense since Brie as a valet is about the same as Brie in the ring, wrestling. (MATT: Nikki actually meant "MY" career.) Brie says it's her life and she doesn't wake up in the morning and think of Nikki and "their career".

LOS ANGELES, CA

Beach Bunny (Boutique)
Alicia and Rose try on bathing suits for their trip and then pretend in front of the store clerks that they're gonna walk right out the door with their bikinis on. (MATT: Man, they make Emma look like Ethan Hunt.) The store clerks don't give a shit and they just laaaaaugh...

(MATT: "Petty larceny is hilarious!!!")

We get lots of jiggling and then the girls take off in Alicia's car. Alicia is still bummed that Cameron is going on the trip. Alicia says people are different at work than in real life and implies they will get along great. Rosa assures her that nothing will happen. Alicia wants a "pinky swear" on that.

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki's House
Nikki is opening champagne and her and John toast getting the last rays of the day as well as her successful merchandise meeting to build up "The Bella Brand". John is impressed that she is meeting with all the right merch people. Apparently, they are the first Divas to get that much -- then she calls herself the "female John Cena" on camera as they now have lots of merch like he does. (MATT: To be fair, they both have huge chests.) Nikki brings up that she is worried that Brie isn't using birth control except for Bryan pulling out. John thinks it's their business as they are married. Nikki continues, however, to argue her side. (MATT: Which causes Cena to slightly roll his eyes and emit a frustrated sigh/grunt as the writers force him to pull Nikki from the Idiot Ledge again.) "I can't stop thinking about Brie's sex life," she tells the camera. Nikki, didn't you have a fit when Brie was interfering in your personal life? John starts with the logic train and tells her that it's out of Nikki's hands, prompting Nikki to tell the camera, "That is NOT the answer I was looking for!" Nikki's pissed and wonders how Brie is going to have a child and what she might do with it after they have it. (MATT: Yeah, Brie. Nobody's ever had kids in WWE before. This is foreign territory.) She says that having a baby is not good for business. (MATT: And, Triple H is on the phone, seeing if he can sue for breach of trademark on his key phrase.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
Cameron arrives for the "girl's weekend" which, inexplicably, means her boyfriend, Vincent, is there as well. Alicia, expecting this to be a girl's trip exclusively for girls, is not happy with this. She tells the camera Cameron can't do anything without her boyfriend, stating, "We already have a 3rd wheel. We don't need 18 more." (MATT: She's ruined the same metaphor twice in one show and now she's adding wheels to the ruined metaphor so that it makes even less sense.) Cameron is wearing a black leather dress with studded collar which Rosa just loves. (MATT: I didn't see that coming, did you?) Then Cameron twerks. Then Rosa tries to imitate Cameron twerking and this is so disturbing, it makes Vincent look physically ill.

(PICTURED: The effect Rosa has on just about every single man on the planet.)

Playhouse Nightclub
Rosa tells the camera she is excited as they are going to dance the night away. Cameron is excited to be working with Alicia and thinks this trip will help them not want to kill each other at work.

(MATT: And then, they danced as Vincent
pondered his very existence in the corner.)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie's House
John complains about being Naomi and Nattie's "chauffeur" as they roll up in front of Nattie's place. Because we need to be reminded that Nattie's still human and not a crazy lizard person/cat lady, we get a really goofy segment where Nattie's neighbor shows up to tell Nattie how "sorry" she is about her and TJ.

(WRITERS: "Betty White wouldn't return our calls after her guest spot on RAW.")

Nattie, who's only supposed to be staying with the Uso couple for a "few days", has enough packed bags for a few weeks -- then realizes she left something in the house. So, naturally, Nattie decides to go in and get it. Despite the house being sealed up with signs reading "FUMIGATION" and "CAUTION: DEADLY POISON". (MATT: It's cool. Those chemicals actually keep Nattie sane.) Nattie puts a blanket over her head to go get her cats' bowls. Naomi tells the camera she hopes Nattie makes it out as they are not going in to get her. (MATT: Nice to know that's on tape for the eventual inquiry into Nattie's death.) Nattie reappears, sans blanket, but with the bowl and states that "she held her breath" the entire time. Couldn't she have gone to a store and bought another bowl? (MATT: It's Nattie. If she needed milk and she locked herself out of her house, she would have broken into a neighbor's house to get it, then asked Naomi and Jimmy to cover up the robbery.) TJ has one of their cats, as it turns out. That cat couldn't handle new surroundings. Nattie yacks about how awful her life is. Her separation is hell and she makes reference to her father, Jim Neidhart, undergoing some medical crisis. The cats are shedding in the car it gets in John's eye and on the straw to his drink. The hair gets in Naomi's mouth as Naomi and Jimmy claim that they're happy to help.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel's House
Brie is helping Daniel in the garden and says that Josie (their dog) likes to pee in their garden. Brie somehow glides right into the fact that Nikki wants them to use condoms. Daniel brings up the "we're married" argument. She reminds Daniel that she had been on the pill before, but it made her moody and gain weight, and then she says it also gave her "bigger boobs". Bryan doesn't remember that part. (MATT: Just go with it, Bryan. It's nonsense. Like "The Bella Brand".) Brie says that Nikki's worried about their careers. Bryan reminds her that they've been split up several times and their careers were just fine. They decide that if Nikki needs Brie for her to make money, that Brie must be the breadwinner in the twins' relationship. Brie suggests that they should have a baby. Bryan says he could start having babies "in 10 minutes".

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
The girls fight over who will drive. (MATT: For some reason.) Cameron says it's "her city", so she should drive. (MATT: "Her city"? What is she, Batman?) However, the car is in Alicia's name so she wins. Rosa illogically sits in back so the girls can fight. Cameron acts obnoxious on purpose so Alicia drives bad on purpose, though they don't crash. (MATT: Is this fake feud worth the lives of others?)

Runyon Canyon Park
The view makes Cameron mention how happy going to NXT made her because she "perfected herself". (MATT: And it shows, what with all that ring time she's been getting.) Alicia says that makes her happy as she needed it. Alicia says she's surprised Cameron was willing to do hard work. Cameron reminds the camera that her goal is to be friends with Alicia so she can use her professionally. (MATT: Aren't these girls supposed to be jogging?) Cameron says Fox is a "grandma" who had to spend 2 years in developmental while she only needed to go back for 3 months. Fox tells her that her time there really shows now.

PHOENIX, AZ

Clever Koi (Restaurant)
Nikki is having dinner with Brie and Daniel. Nikki takes a reeeeeeally long time, hugging Bryan from behind while Bryan looks visibly annoyed. Brie says Nikki smashed her boobs into her husband's head. Bryan: "Don't worry. They just felt like two hard rocks." Nikki's insulted and says, "They're just silicone." Nikki tells the camera she will put an end to them only using the "pull-out method" and she "will not take no for an answer". (MATT: DIDN'T WE JUST HAVE NIKKI PISSED OFF AT BRIE THREE EPISODES AGO FOR DOING THIS VERY THING?!) Brie says her husband will be a great stay-at-home Dad. Brie says that now that she is married, she likes coming home and being normal. Nikki chides the couple for their birth control choice and says that they can accidentally get pregnant. Brie finally calls out Nikki on camera, saying Nikki is a hypocrite who got mad when she got in her personal life and now she is doing the same thing. They remind Nikki that she even wants marriage and kids. Brie says having a family would be the best thing she ever did. She says the bit with Stephanie was already her career-high. Nikki says this affects THEDEMONVIPERVIGILANTEBELLABRAND™. Nikki says it's time to start thinking about her and not about what they want. Brie tells her if they want to start trying that night, they will. Daniel calls her out for only thinking of money. Brie says Nikki will never be a mother, thus she doesn't want Brie to be one either, and Nikki says that is hitting below the belt. Brie says it's "disgusting" that she'd bring up that kind of stuff in public. (MATT: Yeah, a public restaurant is for tasteful conversation about things like seal slit and using tablecloths as tampons.) Both Brie and Nikki both claim to have lost their appetite. Bryan isn't even interested in faking this shit and starts eating from Brie's plate.

TAMPA, FL

John and Naomi's House
Nattie is cleaning up a mess the cat left on the kitchen floor. Jon asks if Nattie has seen their wedding pics as that's just what you do with someone who is going through marital strife. (MATT: Didn't they get married like a YEAR ago?) They ask Nattie how she and TJ are doing. Nattie admits to looking back at their past. Nattie says their photos remind her a lot of what she and TJ had. They encourage her to cry about her marriage. (MATT: She's always crying. If only California could find a way to redirect her tear ducts into their water supply, we'd end the drought in a week.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
The girls are poolside and admire a woman's flesh colored bikini top with fake nipples on it, which the woman dubs, "The Tata Top". (MATT: And WWE censors the not-really-bewbz.)

(MATT: Susan G. Komen would be so proud right now.)

The girls randomly talk about who they resemble. Rosa says she has been mistaken for Sofia Vergara. They ask some random passerby who Cameron looks like. The woman somehow comes up with Halle Berry. (MATT: "Here's your $20 bucks, lady. The episode will air three months from now. Thanks for being on the show.") Alicia says that Cameron looks like a "bootleg Nikki Manaj". Cameron retaliates, telling Alicia that she looks like a "stank version of Rhianna". Fox invokes the "Third Wheel" metaphor again. After some more arguing, Cameron walks off so they can have their girls' time alone.

Rosa follows Cameron to try to smooth things over, saying she thinks that Alicia is trying to be funny. Cameron agrees to sit down with Alicia, one on one. Both girls admit they think the other started out as mean. Cameron is surprised to hear that Alicia feels like Cameron was there to replace her. Cameron says, on camera, that there is room for everyone in WWE. Alicia tells the camera that there are specific roles in WWE, which is much more true than Cameron's version of it, and that she let her insecurity make her think Cameron was brought up to take her role, in particular. The girls agree they can be friends. (MATT: Hooray! The Three Amigas are solid once aga--wait. Where's Paige?)

TAMPA, FL

John and Naomi's House
Nattie comes home to a lit candle as the cat took a dump on the floor again and complains that the cat made forts out of blankets and shed all over them. John couldn't handle it, so he left. (MATT: Did he knock something over before he bolted?) Nattie hits the Guilt Trip Button and offers to leave with all her stuff and starts to pack up. Nattie tells her not to go and to focus on the positive things in her life. Naomi reveals she cleaned out the cat box with her bare hands as Nattie forgot a scooper. Nattie asks for a spoon to clean it out for the time being and is surprised when Naomi hates the idea. (MATT: Time to get Nattie back to her place so she can huff more fumes.)

MEMPHIS, TN for WWE Superstars

Backstage
Rosa and Cameron sit down to talk to Paige. Rosa points out if she kissed Cameron, it wouldn't mess up their lips as they have the same color on. Cameron is not even remotely pleased by this.

(MATT: "Rosa Achievement Unlocked - Offend both genders in one episode")

And Paige is like...

(MATT: "Welcome to my private hell, sweetie.")

Paige says she could hug Cameron and it woudn't feel different as they are "both wearing fur". (MATT: And the Three Amigas are friends once aga--wait. Where's Alicia?)

Ringside - Alicia vs. Naomi
They fight, but it's so boring, we don't even see how it turned out.

Backstage
Cameron and Paige watch the match, Rosa spends more time looking at her phone. Cameron is happy she is getting along with Alicia as it's best for business if they get along.

Meanwhile, Nikki has a meeting with Mark Carrano, Senior Director, Talent Relations and Joe Hickey, Manager, Talent Merchandise to see how their merch would do if it's only her. (MATT: Already? It's not like Brie's dropping a kid tomorrow.) Mark is relieved to hear the pregnancy question is a hypothetical. He says the Bella Twins "brand" is stronger than Fearless Nikki or Brie Mode. Then, for some silly reason, Mark, who has already stated what everyone would already understands asks Joe what he thinks. Joe says Bella Twins is strong but they could brand Fearless Nikki well. In a bit of (WWE spoilers ahead) a foreshadowing, Nikki states she may be winning the Divas Championship soon, so that might help. Nikki is happy her brand can be kept strong, but Mark wants Brie to come see him immediately about her baby fever. (MATT: "You better start thinking of Mark Carrano Brand and stop pulling out!")

HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle
This week's hug goes to...Brie: The choice of if and when to be a parent is a personal decision that shouldn't be decided by one's co-workers. Sure, Nikki is also her sister, but she's treating this like business is the only thing that matters. She's jealous and needs to realize her sister and her husband need to do what's best for them. When Brie quit WWE, I thought it was a real-life decision, covered up by kayfabe and, maybe, that's when they should have tried for a family. Regardless, these two are down to earth and would probably be great parents, I hope when the time for them to start their family arrives they are quickly blessed with a pregnancy.

This weeks punch goes to... Nikki: Bullying, bargaining, scheming. These are not ways to get what you want. Especially when what you wants means if you get what you want, someone else loses something they really want. She got all mad when Brie interfered in her personal life and she doesn't even see the hypocrisy of her actions.

Matt
This week's hug goes to...Naomi: Holy shit, it was nice to see her on the show. She may be the only sane person on the program.

Most Annoying Cast Member of Week is...Nikki: When she's mean, she's mean. When she's determined, she's mean. When she's nice, she's mean. I can't stand her and I really can't stand Brie, either. Both women are arrogant and need to be taken down a peg -- but Nikki continues to appear here, outshining her sister once again.

Er...that's it.

Comments

  1. I actually saw the scene with the Bella's and Daniel Bryan in that restaurant. Honestly I've lost like 20% of my fan interest in Bryan because his wife is such a loser. I just can't want to see a guy succeed when he has such a crappy wife. Someone pointed out to me that its unfair because the show is fake but that would require me to believe the Bella's can act.

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  2. I've said in the past recaps that the sex better be off the fucking hook for Cena and Bryan. Seriously, as pretty as they look, I couldn't stand near them for more than a few seconds without feeling like their incompetence was making me dumber, too.

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  3. Great stuff. Keep up the great work.

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  4. Naomi is too normal for Total Divas, that is why she is deemphasized this season because she just isn't dramatic enough for reality TV.

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  5. They need to get Lita or someone to do a guest spot. Teach them about REAL crazy.

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  6. F'N Body Slams - Dan SelbyFebruary 18, 2015 at 3:34 AM

    The term Girl Bye makes me want to slash my eyeballs.

    Even that Miami bombshell Cami Li doing it in Big Brother made me angry, and she's filed under 'anything and everything'.

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  7. If you like that, you would have loved her saying "Chingle, chingle" this week. Whatever the hell that means...

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