After the conclusion of last Monday’s main event angle where Hollywood Hogan pushed Roddy Piper past the point of no return, we’re moving into the home stretch of Superbrawl. Expect the rest of the undercard to start coming together tonight; assuming we’re able to decipher the code coming out of the mouth of one Dusty Rhodes.
TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES vow to spend the entire night talking about Roddy Piper. And here I had hope that we might see something different than the previous 18 weeks.
The main event angle is replayed in full on a continuous loop all night. And that’s it. Goodnight!
Wait, no, between airings they managed to sneak in a wrestling program.
No Roman numerals tonight, this is America and we don’t subscribe to that fancy Euro-Mexican crap. Villano flips and flops all around, all leading to an armdrag. Dusty: “What’s that name?” Tony: “Villano 4.” Dusty: “Diana Faw? I used to date her!” Sweet Sapphire isn’t gonna like that. Tanaka plants Dusty’s ex-girlfriend with a powerbomb, but Diana comes back with a spin kick. Northern lights suplex gets 2, and the impact causes Diana’s tits to slip out of her singlet. A god awful roll up gets the win for Diana at 2:49, which Tony declares a Great Win. Going from memory, I believe that’s also his Last Win. 1/2*
THE CHEETAH KID vs. THE ULTIMATE DRAGON (with Sonny Onoo)
Iaukea’s under the hood tonight, which he seems to have settled into for awhile now. I may have to stop reporting on this, unless Rocco Rock decides he wants his loser gimmick back. Dragon kicks the crap out of Cheetah, and destroys him with a plancha which delights Sonny. Back in, a snap suplex, legdrop, elbowdrop, and senton combo in rapid succession gets 2. Dragon hits a drop toe hold, does a little dance on the back of the Cheetah because he’s got a little rhythm, but his cockiness gets him caught in a Northern lights for 2. While Dusty rambles about being a Common Man, a Dragonsteiner sets up the Dragon Suplex for the easy win at 3:34. **
HUGH MORRUS vs. JEFF JARRETT
MONGO MCMICHAEL and DEBRA wander down to ringside about 40 seconds into this, with Mongo openly rooting for Morrus to destroy Jeff. Debra nearly bursts into tears while Morrus works over Jarrett, but Mongo laughs his ass off. Jeff misses a dropkick, and Morrus threatens No Laughing Matter. However, he didn’t mean it, he just did it to scare Jeff into wetting his pants like a little girl or some sort of gay slur, and the cockiness leads to a sunset flip and a pin at 4:05. Man, that bullying routine didn’t work any better in 1997. *
THE FACES OF FEAR vs. JERRY FLYNN and MARK STARR
Mark Starr’s getting to be a bit of a whore. He was loyal to the boys when he was a unionized construction worker, but he’s just torn through tag-team partners over the last 6 months with more ferocity than a 23-year old scorned woman realizing her “independence”. THE PUBLIC ENEMY have come to scout this one; likely to take on the winners of this one at the upcoming pay-per-view. This is exactly what you’d expect, with my heroes ripping Starr apart like a couple of starved crazed badgers, with referee Scott Dickenson having nothing to do but stare at the amazing display of manhood, and occasionally tell Jerry Flynn to stay in his corner. Starr finally dodges a Stinger splash from Meng and tags out, and Flynn shows off his incredible karate skills by missing a spinning karate kick, and getting thrown in the air by Meng right into the arms of Barbarian who powerbombs him with enough force that he strikes out, and we have winners at 3:43. I actually got a copy of Public Enemy’s scouting notes, and it reads: Appear to be in good shape, however lacking in co-ordination. Didn’t land an offensive move today, so hard to get a read on their ability. Hairy guy seems to know karate. They should be in fine shape heading into the PPV. *******1/2
BUNKHOUSE BUCK vs. RON POWERS
Powers finds himself in a headlock, and holy hell that must STINK. Speaking of stink, I had a hell of a week. Going to warm up my lunch at work the other day, I was punched in the face by a smell even more foul than Buck’s armpits. I assumed there had been some sort of explosion in the men’s room, seeing as how I work in a large building of, what I had assumed to that point, were relatively well adjusted human beings. That was until I saw the pile of human dookie on the carpet, at least 15 feet from the bathroom. I don’t have the world’s strongest stomach (and heaven forbid I ever have kids, cuz those poor things are going to have to learn to change themselves straight out of the womb), so I nearly chucked. It was cleaned up rapidly, being a health and safety hazard and all, and security footage found the perp who was thankfully not under my particular branch of the company’s tree. While I have no idea if it was intentional or not, or even who was responsible, it has been the number one topic of discussion for days, and it’ll probably go down as one of the hall of fame moments in my 13 years of employment there. I can’t imagine this NOT coming up in any future job interviews. “Tell me about a difficult situation, and how you handled it.” “Well, I once saw a poop on the floor, and while I really wanted to throw up, I knew if I held it in, I would save the cleaners from having to use two different types of carpet cleansers. Then I used a different hallway to return to my desk.” Powers wins with a tombstone at 2:30. DUD
MAXX vs. MR JL
Wow, the Dungeon Master let Maxx out to play? Without accompaniment from Jimmy Hart? It’s a big day for Maxx. He responds to this newfound trust by giving JL a backbreaker, but he succumbs to an old vice and starts posing for the ladies. A sidewalk slam is followed by a lazy pin attempt, and Maxx only gets 2. A blind charge misses, so JL tries a handspring back elbow. Maxx catches him with a full nelson as the elbows fly in, and then gives him a full nelson swing! They only give us 3 rotations before JL taps out at 1:57, but that’s ok, Cesaro started small too. This is only the beginning of the genesis of Maxx. 1/2*
BILLY PEARL vs. KONAN (with Jimmy Hart)
The part of Billy Pearl will be played by David Spade tonight.
Unfortunately for David, he’s not a wrestler, and Konan toys with him, including stretching him unnaturally upside down and swinging him around. A kick to the belleh welleh sets up a powerbomb, and a cradle DDT puts this to bed at 2:41. 1/2*
LEE MARSHALL hooks up with Jimmy Hart on his way back, and Jimmy’s got a gripe with the ladies of WCW. Between Liz with Savage and Woman with Benoit and Sullivan, he has zero interest in watching what damage Jackie’s gonna do to the Dungeon. On cue, JACQUELINE steps in and offers to make “everfing better not wurst.” She’s here to give Kevin a little TLC. Hart agrees to negotiate, and hauls her back to the Dungeon portal to talk turkey.
BUDDY LEE PARKER vs. ROADBLOCK
Road’s Closed, yall. Somehow, despite being roughly the size of Ohio, Roadblock misses an elbowdrop. Not that it matters, because he catches Buddy coming off the top, and finishes with a Detour Drop at 1:01. The only thing between this man and an extended World Title run are politics.
DEVON STORM vs. ALEX WRIGHT
Storm is one seriously ugly blonde chick, and I give full props to the makeover he gave himself a couple years later and propelling himself to moderate mid-card fame. Wright uses the European uppercuts, but he is not, and will never be, David “Captain Cook” Taylor. If he was, after that volume of uppercuts, Storm would still be out cold … in 2015. Storm comes back with a brainbuster and heads up, but Wright cuts him off and nails a superplex. Wright goes for the missile dropkick, but Storm rushes forward to shove him off, and Wright falls hard, knee first to the apron and hits the floor. Upset? Storm hits a baseball slide, and follows with a running senton off the apron, and I’m feeling it baby. Storm tries to suplex Wright back in, but Alex blocks it and sends Storm flying over the top and to the floor. More European uppercuts. They head back in, and a German suplex takes it down at 5:45. Shockingly good stuff. **1/2
8 minute look at Hogan / Piper.
DEAN MALENKO vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (for the WCW United States heavyweight title)
Tony hypes this as a “television time remaining” match, and immediately takes a commercial break. We’re playing with about 8 minutes total, assuming they’re not gonna call it with 5 minutes left in the show like that stupid Psychosis/Regal draw back on November 16. Both guys trade wristlocks and mat holds for awhile, during the feeling out process. Eddie strikes the first real blow, with a spinning heel kick setting up a slingshot senton for 2. An abdominal stretch is applied, and Eddie refuses to cheat with leverage cuz he’s a wiener. The referees haven’t disqualified anyone for that move since the 50’s, just do it already. Dean escapes, and nails a brainbuster for 2. Making fine use of the handful of minutes left, Malenko applies a headscissors and chews a pile of time off the clock. Eddie escapes and puts on the bow and arrow, which I approve of since he SHOULD be trying to kill time. Dean wiggles out and goes for a powerbomb, but Eddie reverses mid-move and snaps Dean over the top rope with a rana. Back in, Guerrero tries a sunset flip, but Malenko sits forward and gets 2. That frustrates Guerrero and he goes for a tornado DDT, but Malenko throws him away faster than an Isis rebel with Western ideas. They trade pinfall reversals, until Malenko finals just stops that nonsense with a powerbomb. Dean goes for the Cloverleaf, but Eddie packages him for 2. Guerrero tries a headscissors, but Malenko pancakes him. As soon as he picks him up, Guerrero gives him the Oklahoma roll for 2. Fast and furious now with the seconds counting down, and as expected the time runs out at 7:50 to a loud chorus of boos. Until the finish, this was excellent. ***1/2
Tony declares that maybe a match of this importance should have opened the show with enough time to run it. Reaction as opposed to proaction, that’s the WCW way!