WCW Worldwide: February 2, 1997

LIVE on 3-MONTH DELAY from the Disney MGM studios, it’s WCW Worldwide! What kind of sizzling hot action can we expect this week? Alex Wright, Kaoru, and Konan amongst others! For god sakes don’t you change that channel to … whatever the hell else airs on Sunday afternoons after football season!

TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN who does not appear to be having an easy time standing up are your hosts. Heenan starts hyping tonight’s main event between Mysterio and Malenko for the 5000^th time, by talking about Malenko’s 1000 holds and counters, then trying to figure out whether Mysterio has more or fewer, but he winds up confusing himself (and Tony), so Schiavone just moves it along by saying “it’s quite a rivalry!”

ALEX WRIGHT vs. BUTCH LONG

Poor Butch really missed his chance to make some real money in this business by failing to call Vince Russo in a year and propose a feud with Val Venis over which of them was truly “Long”. Butch, if you’re reading, I hope you can’t sleep at night. Bobby asks why Butch had his spleen sewn on to the back of his head, in reference to his quality single braided mullet. Wright hits a pair of headscissors takeovers, and gets booed for some reason. In this controlled environment, da hell is that? Butch pounds on the German “sensation”, and hits a backdrop suplex for 2. A sitting surfboard goes nowhere, so he uses the worst version of the Pedigree I’ve ever seen for 2. A vicious clothesline keeps Wright down, but Wright fights back with a couple of kicks and hits a running European uppercut to knock down the big man. Long botches a hiptoss sell, but Wright doesn’t slow down, hitting a spinning heel kick and missile dropkick for the win at 5:58. Butch was a fantastic combination of God Awful and Perversely Entertaining, so I think we need more of him. 1/2*

SONOKO KATO vs. KAORU (with Sonny Onoo)

Heenan shushes Tony during the intros, calling Kato’s theme a “catchy tune” (she’s using the Generic music usually associated with Kaz Hayashi or Jushin Liger). Tony asks him why he feels that way, and Bobby scoffs asking Tony “you don’t recognize KISS?” Tony argues that it’s not KISS, because he hasn’t learned that you can’t argue with the man. Also, in some old storyline progression, Tony says that Sonny is still pursuing the investigation against Bobby Heenan for the fraudulent attempt to sell him Nitro – which as it turns out Bobby didn’t own. Heenan calls it a misunderstanding, that he was simply trying to help act as a broker between Onoo and the people in charge; but Tony flat out says he saw Bobby with a 6 figured cheque and Bobby changes the subject at warp speed, focusing on trying to figure out what “GAEA” means on Kato’s sports bra. Both ladies take turns biting each other, which would be the plot for the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey had it happened in 2014. Kaoru throws Kato by the hair, and the fans rightly boo everything. Kaoru hits a snap suplex for 2. In a creative move, Kaoru locks Kato in a front facelock, and reaches around her own back with the other arm to pull at the hair. The referee sees it, so Kaoru hits a jumping Face Sitter. Kato isn’t ready for that kind of exploration, and hits a bulldog to get rid of her. A backdrop sends Kaoru to the floor, but before Kato can follow up, Sonny pulls her to the floor and stomps at her. Man on woman violence! At Disney? In front of the KIDS? It’s amazing WCW wasn’t immediately evicted! Marc Curtis DQ’s the heels immediately at 4:55. *

LEE MARSHALL starts talking about great second generation wrestlers, and I anticipate the arrival of some new star, but no, it’s just stupid DEAN MALENKO. Malenko says he hopes to accomplish half of what his father accomplished. Whoa, Dean, relax, we don’t need controversial comments like those on this show.

KONAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. JERRY FLYNN (for the Mexican Heavyweight Title)

Holy shit – we haven’t seen THAT belt in months. Of course, Konan was officially stripped of the title in October, but that’s not stopping him from wandering around with it now and screaming “ARIBA MEJICO!” He’s basically the fat, slow moving uncle of Speedy Gonzalez. Jerry shows off his “lightning feet”, specifically waving them around in the air while trapped in an Indian deathlock. Tony speculates that Flynn will be a player once he develops some in ring skills, for which he has time because he’s a “young man”, a spry 38 at this point. Konan tosses Flynn with an overhead belly to belly, and finishes with the cradle DDT to retain his phony title at 3:36. DUD

“LORD” STEVEN REGAL proudly shows off his TV Title to LEE MARSHALL – and … is he smiling? Enjoying himself? Of course he is – he knows he’s the most important man in WCW since he’s the highest ranking champion still under the WCW banner. He has no interest in making movies like Roddy Piper, because he’s a wrestler, and the best wrestler in the world. When it comes to talking, “I can make Piper sound like he’s been sedated”. Oh, he’s feeling good, so Marshall tries to cut him down by pointing out a lot of hungry wrestlers still want his title. Regal blows him off by reminding him he’s already gone all over the globe once before, where he offered title shots to the planet, and nobody dethroned him. “If there was a ring in someone’s back garden, I’d wrestle there … and I did exactly that.” Why wasn’t that televised? Marshall concedes that Regal’s great, and Regal iterates one more time he’s the greatest specimen in WCW today. ALL HAIL LORD REGAL!!!!!

DEAN MALENKO vs. REY MYSTERIO JR. (in a non-title match)

Tony calls Heenan “Dream”, and Bobby gets pissed because he’s wearing a nice pair of shoes and not loafers covered in meadow muffins. Tony: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult Dusty like that.” These two are all kinds of salty tonight. Tony notes that Mysterio may need knee surgery in the near future, which sadly would be an omen for things to come.

WCW takes its final timeout before the main event kicks off, and we return to find them circling each other. Rey sweeps out the legs, but both guys bounce back up immediately. Malenko tries a wheelbarrow, but Rey flips mid move and hits an armdrag, following with a springboard moonsault for 2! Rey tries for the headscissors, but Malenko grabs his ankles and hits a HARD double leg slam. Mysterio somehow fights off the pain right away and catches Dean in a small package for 2! A rana is blocked with a gutbuster, and the fans ADORE Rey, so the boos shower down on the champ. A standing vertical suplex gets 2. Malenko hooks on a headscissors to cut off Rey’s air circulation and slow the little guy down. Rey squirms loose, so Malenko hits him with a backdrop suplex and squeezes him with a headlock. A powerbomb gets 2, and Malenko looks a little frustrated. A pumphandle slam is twisted mid-move, and Mysterio gets 2. Dean goes back to trying to get Rey to tap out, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before that happens. A hot shot is delivered with such force that Rey bounces right off the ropes and flies to the outside of the ring. He slowly crawls back in before the 10-count, and finds the wind to charge. Malenko launches him over his head, but Mysterio lands on the top rope, flying backwards immediately with a springboard senton for 2! Rey tries a suplex, but Malenko blocks it with his weight, so Rey drops down in a bridge for 2! Mysterio hits a forward roll, and NEARLY gets the pin, with Malenko only kicking out at the last hair. Rey goes to finish with a super moonsault, but Malenko rolls away and the bellyflop is enough for Malenko to score the pin at 8:24. Tony called this one of their best matches ever, and while I wouldn’t go that far, it was a quality Worldwide main event. ***

Tony hypes the impending return of Jushin Liger to the Cruiserweight division. Heenan says no champion will ever hold the title in that division for an entire year, because they wrestle too frequently against strong competition. Armed with one of the smartest statements to ever come out of Heenan’s mouth, Tony wraps things up, and we outtie.