WARNING: The following program contains action of a Graphic Nature. Viewer discretion is advised.
(Translation: The following program is taped from Vince McMahon’s upper lobe. Viewer discretion is advised.)
THE UNDERTAKER has taken over an Amtracks train, and is driving us straight to hell. THIS … is Shotgun Saturday Night.
Tonight’s show comes LIVE form Penn Station in New York City. SUNNY and VINCE MCMAHON man the commentary booth as usual. Is this seriously the best use of Sunny they could find at this point?
THE GODWINNS vs. THE NATION OF DOMINATION (with Clarence Mason, D’Lo Brown, and a Well Dressed Man)
The Godwinns get the prestigious “already in the ring” treatment, while no fewer than 80 hobos have taken advantage of the warmth from “under the ring”. Sunny brags about being the most downloaded celebrity on AOL, and implies Phineas spends his nights pleasuring himself to her 1.4 million photos. Give me a break; Phineas couldn’t possibly configure a dial connectoid, there’s no chance. Mason joins the commentary team, and, interesting fact of the day: after leaving WCW about 15 years ago, he headed south to Florida to work as an actual attorney, which he still does today. The fans take to this match right away, starting up a “BWO” chant that continues throughout the entire match. After the Godwinns clear the ring, and a “NATION SUCKS DICK” chant breaks out, we turn to…
TODD PETTENGILL, who is interviewing a toothless black man in the front row who he claims is his dentist. Just … why?!?
SAVIO VEGA heads down to ringside, which Mason celebrates because the Nation always sticks together. Off to commercial!
Back to the Station, Faarooq is slamming a heavy trunk over the back of Henry, and he’s rolled back to Crush for 2. Crush does a whole lot of nothing, before he turns things over to Faarooq who helps the attack with a boring pile of nada. After far too many minutes of this, Phineas gets the hot tag and the fans fall asleep. Vega interferes, so Phineas grabs him by the throat, but Crush saves. The Slop Drop is attempted, but Faarooq clotheslines him behind the referees back and Crush gets the pin at 10:00. Negative stars are becoming tradition on this insipid program. -****
THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY!
A limo pulls up to the arena, and HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY struts towards the building. TODD PETTENGILL asks him if he’s afraid of losing his title tonight? Hunter figures he’d sooner ride the Subway than lose a match to the Undertaker.
HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY vs. THE UNDERTAKER (for the WWF Intercontinental title)
Vince asks Sunny about the prospects of her hooking up with Hunter, but she claims a distaste for men with long hair. Sunny, honey, even Chris Candido’s gullible ass isn’t buying that line. You know, the Undertaker’s mystique is one of the finest pieces of show business in wrestling today; but something’s taken away when he arrives to a Subway station in front of about 200 fans, and enters the ring area via an escalator. The Dead Man charges the ring, but Hunter’s waiting and throws a series of forearms. Taker shrugs that off, and launches him with a double handed choke. A whip to the buckle sees the referee get demolished, and he appears to be in a coma. Triple H upends Taker with the IC belt, and we take a break.
The referee, stumbling around in a drunken haze like a member of the audience, is back to calling this one. Hunter drops a knee, and nails a facebuster to remain in control. A neckbreaker draws a pretty slow count from the ref, and that little bit of extra time gives Taker the energy he needs to just hammer Hunter with a soup bone. Hunter slams Taker’s face to the buckle, but that’s no sold, so Hunter hits a desperation swinging neckbreaker for 2. Triple H grabs his belt again to defend himself, but Taker steals it away and smacks Hunter in the face for the DQ at 4:20. The fans call for the tombstone, but Taker compromises with a chokeslam, and drapes the belt over the fallen champ. As he’s leaving, he changes his mind, and figures he’ll tombstone him anyway. Triple H runs like hell, but gets caught and tombstoned on the escalator – where Helmsley slowly rides back down into the arms of a couple of referees. This was super spirited from both guys, shockingly good given the time restraints and the tiny audience. ***
ALDO MONTOYA vs. SAVIO VEGA (with Clarence Mason, D’Lo Brown, and a Well Dressed Man)
Mason joins the announce booth, while the human jockstrap dropkicks Vega to the floor. A plancha staggers Savio, and he’s nailed with a crossbody as he rolls back in, getting 2 for the Portuguese Man of War. Vega comes back with some loud ass chops, and whips Montoya into the corner with some oomph. Vince asks Clarence if the Nation is planning on expanding, and Clarence says yes. Hundreds of superstars (hundreds? There’s like all of 25 guys on the roster!) are calling daily, but only a select few will be selected. And they chose Savio Vega? Their scouting reports need a little work; wrestling SABRmetrics would go a long way.
In the crowd, some guy named TERRY shows his Vince McMahon action figure to TODD PETTENGILL, which he’s had since 1985. Todd: “You were, what, 40 at the time?”
FAAROOQ and CRUSH make their unwanted appearances, while Vega drops Montoya with a superkick. Aldo fights back, showing “shades of Sugar Ray Leonard” (dah fock Vince?!?), but a clothesline stops that short. THE GODWINNS and their slop buckets come down the staircase. I can’t imagine slop is in high demand down at Penn Station, but I’m willing to bet feces are over-stocked, so I’d tread REAL carefully if I were the Nation, lest they want the plague or whatever the hell else you’ll catch down there. Vega works a nerve hold, and I’ve seriously had enough of him. Do we honestly have another full year of this guy to worry about before he’s gone? The Nation tries to get involved, but the Godwinns stop them short, and they pose with their new friend Aldo. We’ll call this a no contest at 8:20 since we never got a closing bell, and head right into…
THE GODWINNS and ALDO MONTOYA vs. THE NATION OF DOMINATION (with Clarence Mason, D’Lo Brown, and a Well Dressed Man)
Yessir, it would appear that Vince flew in all of 8 wrestlers for this particular program, so everyone’s pulling double duty just to flesh out an entire hour of programming. Aldo hits a DDT on Crush, while we check in with …
TODD PETTENGILL, with SOME WOMAN. She’s calling out some OTHER CHICK who allegedly stole her man, and they start to throw down! This *looks* fake, but I won’t rule out a real fight from this particular trashy group.
Back in the ring, we’re right back to where we were before the break, with Vega working his crappy offense over Montoya. Faarooq tags in and eat a neckbreaker. Montoya comes up a half inch short of the tag before Vega cuts him off. He and Crush double team him with what can only be described as wheelbarrow dry humping, and the fans give them a well-deserved “BORRRRRING” chant. Vince: “Clarence, what can you say about the fact that the fans here are bored with the Nation of Domination’s act?” Clarence: “It’s not the Nation, it’s Aldo Montoya.” Vince: “I don’t think so.” This could get real ugly. Faarooq goes for the Dominator, but Montoya slips down with a backslide for 2. To counter the fans boredom, the Nation slow down the action. Vega hits an enzuigiri for 2. Aldo tries to fight off a front-face lock, and he makes the tag, but it comes as the referee is tied up with the Nation and he refuses to allow it. They repeat the front-face lock spot again, but this time Montoya escapes with a slam and heads to the top rope because he’s got coleslaw for brains. A missile dropkick gets 2 before all hell breaks loose between both teams, and everyone pairs off. Phineas grabs the slop to chase off D’Lo Brown who was looking too comfortable, while Vega finishes Aldo with a spinning heel kick at 8:51. Much better than the opener! -*
Up in the production area, Phineas keeps the chase on, but he misses his shot with the bucket, and nails PAT PATTERSON who’s been directing traffic. Vince takes one look at the rainbow colored sweater of Patterson, and quips “that sweater’s been slopped before”.
Outside, CURTIS LEE who founded the Guardian Angels, chats with TODD PETTENGILL. He threatens to give the Nation a wake-up call.
Vince replays Patterson covered in a sticky white mess, yukking it up one last time, as the credits roll.
This was pretty much the end of this disaster of a program. The bar / subway station concept was scrapped as soon as this show went off the air, and because they had nothing planned for next week, a “Best of” special is planned, looking back at all the greatest moments of these last 6 weeks. Following that, it’s arena content moving forward.
The arena stuff is probably the right choice, but the intimate environment they were playing with did have its quirks. Had they been able to massage their nonsense with tighter work, like what we’d seen out of Steve Austin and Mankind on this program, they’d have been able to out-do ECW’s own concept. Unfortunately, Vince was far too obsessed with shocking people, and running Savio Vega out every week for 10 minute matches, and that kind of format wasn’t going to work out in the long run.
Still, this gave us the earliest peaks at the fact this company wasn’t afraid to push the boundaries of the TV constraints they were handed, and come hell or high water, Vince was going to do it his new way, or fall on his sword trying. More on that, on Thursdays RAW.