Welcome to BoD RAW!! It's the fallout from BoD Payback! We know you can't wait to....yeah. The PPV. Well, it was, but it was exclusive to the BoD, so....look, it was last week. Just look it up. I know, I know, but it was good! Well, it was better than expectations for....well, it wasn't terrible....look, just enjoy the show, okay?
And standing in the ring is the BoD Heavyweight Champ, Jef Vinson, along with his lovely valet! Let's hear from the champ:
"At Payback, I retained my title over the man they call Cultstatus in yet another match of the year candidate from myself. I don't know how I manage to keep doing it, to be honest. It's incredible.....for each and every one of YOU. You get to see a great champion, a fighting champion, defend his title with honor and dignity, something that is sorely lacking in the BoD in almost every other area. And, more importantly, no matter what they throw at me, even those cro-magnon apes like Cultstatus, I come out on top! Now, I know that Cultstatus isn't here tonight, but I do have some business to conduct before I take my winner's siesta in Mexico. Abeyance! I know you're back there; come on out, and we'll have a little talk."
And walking to the ring is Abeyance! Footage from Payback plays as we see Abeyance with his Greco-Roman beltshot on Cult, helping Vinson retain the title, along with the after-match shenanigans of Abeyance attacking Vinson. Abeyance seems....different. He's focused and slowly walking to the ring, as Vinson taps his valet on the shoulder; she goes to the ropes and holds them open as Abeyance enters the ring. Vinson still with the stick:
"Abeyance. I know that you must have been disappointed when you did NOT become the #1 contender to the BoD World title, and I know that you must feel as though you were unappreciated by me and the rest of the BoD. But hey, little buddy! Cheer up! You showed us you were back last week in a big way, and while I have to admit that I'm a little, shall we say, peeved that you jumped me from behind, I understand and, this is the important part, I forgive you! And now, I'm ready to make your dreams come true. (He holds up the BoD World title) Ladies and Gentlemen, for the benefit of those with flash photography, I'm going to let Abeyance have his very own 5 second pose with my BoD World Title Belt! Yes, really! I know it's mine and all, but since this is the closest he'll get to it, I want to let him take a turn, just like we all did with that slow kid down the block when it came to being 'it' in a game of tag. So here, Abeyance - take the belt, my friend!" He holds the belt out to Abeyance, wide grin on his face, while his valet holds up her iPhone to take a picture. "Remember everyone, tweet your pics to him so he can always have this memory!" Abeyance slowly takes the belt from him. He looks at it in his hands, turning it over, while Vinson counts down from 5. Abeyance still hasn't said a word. "Aaaannnd....that's five! Okay, hand it back over, my man!"
He reaches for the belt.....and Abeyance won't let go. Vinson gets a slow look of fury on his face, as Abeyance reaches for his mic.
"Vinson, I didn't come back to hold your belt." (Pause as both wrestlers have their hands on the belt) "I came back to TAKE your belt."
(Abeyance PUNTS A FIELD GOAL IN VINSON'S JUNK!! Vinson goes down as his valet shrieks! She runs over to help him as Abeyance holds the belt aloft to scattered boos and....some cheers? Interesting. He turns back towards Vinson....and the valet hits him in the eyes with her hairspray! Abeyance drops the belt in pain as Vinson is back to his feet and is putting the boots to Abeyance! He gets him up....TKO! Abeyance is left laying as Vinson and his valet take off towards the back, and, presumably, Mexico.
Backstage, the crew is assembling the "Harlem Street Fight" set. We see Bobby Bayless, sporting an Angry Birds t-shirt while sipping on some Capri Sun, instruct the delivery guys to bring in the materials. The crew's jaws all drop as the stuff comes in as the camera pans to a seven-foot tall giraffe, multiple stuffed penguins, and a few clergymen dressed in dakishis next to buffet tables featuring Big Macs and abnormally large peanuts.......................Just like you (don't) see in Harlem. As this happens, Brian Bayless walks by and puts his hands over his face in disbelief. His cousin
Bobby then sees him and waves him over with his signature dumb-fuck smile:
Bobby: Hey pal, look at this Harlem Streetfight!!!!!!
Brian: What does any of this have to do with Harlem?
Bobby: The zoo is in Harlem and I love the zoo. I like to see the monkeys and penguins!!!!!!!!!!!
Brian: Bobby, I'm pretty sure there is no zoo in Harlem. And why are their Big Macs on the table?
Bobby: On the TV commercials, all the Harlem people have Big Macs, dawg! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
Brian: (In a serious state of disbelief) Well, how do you explain the giant peanuts?
Bobby: Everyone knows all black guys have large peanuts
Brian: (shakes his head and walks away)
In the ring, "Happening" Harry Broadhurst stands, awaiting his challenger for the "Harry Never Does the Job" open challenge. He has the mic and a few facts to tell us:
Harry fact #134 is Harry never cheats while playing the banker in monopoly and Harry Fact #135 is that Harry prefers Connect Four to Tic-Tac-Toe but the most important Harry Fact of all is Harry Fact #1 and that is.......................HARRY................NEVER......................DOES.....................THE............................JOB!!!!!!"
Now, lets await our challenger. It is none other than.........................................................Koko B. Flair!
"Happening" Harry Broadhurst vs. Koko B. Flair
Harry proudly proclaims that he will never to the job. Flair tries to charge Harry but is met with a side kick. Harry pounces away as he tells us Harry fact #718 is that "Harry always makes sure that no cucumber slices are on his hot dog." Flair fights back and hits a dropkick and a suplex. Flair gets a small package for two. Sunset flip gets two. Flair climbs up top as Harry gets up but Harry feigns a stumble and shoves the ref into the ropes as Flair falls down then Harry hits the Not Gonna Job Tonight (double arm DDT) for the win!!!!!!! Harry now has the mic:
"Harry fact #1: HARRY...................NEVER.................DOES...............THE...................JOB"
Backstage, Wade Michael Meltzer greets Jobber and the New and Improved Job Mob, of Zanatude and Stuart Chartock. Jobber, looking more hungover than usual, looks annoyed at Wade:
Wade: Jobber, do you have any news about the subtraction from your group for our BoDInsider Elite members
Jobber: I don't know what you are talking about Wade, this is the Job Mob. You can use that for page hits for a 4th home.
Wade: I have two homes alone for my Puro Tapes (smarmy laugh follows)
Jobber: Can you easily afford a third?
Wade: What do you have to say about your match with Parallax tonight?
Jobber: You know what, the Warriors lost and I am not in the fucking mood.
Wade: Last question, I promise. If you had one wrestler to watch for the rest of your life would it be Tanahashi or Kobashi?
Jobber: The answer is fuck Cleveland.
Wade: Is that a submission hold? Just kidding
Jobber: (signals to the Job Mob) lets go (Jobber hunches over almost ready to hurl but gathers himself and walks away). I need my gimmicks
We're in catering with Rockstar Gary and Justice Gray, both of whom have heaping plates of food and are just settling at a table when they're joined by Brian Bayless.
Bayless: So.....Dougie didn't work out too well.
Everyone looks down at the table and grimaces.
Gary: I think it's a good thing, though. We were doing great! Plus, Bobby told Justice that we get our title shot at the next big event! Great news, huh?
Bayless: Is that so?
Justice: Yep. Said it to me when I brought him his Loopy-Fruity-Pebbles melt for dinner tonight.
Bayless: His what?
Justice: Some sort of deep-fried combo involving Fruit Loops, Fruity Pebbles, and a few other ingredients that he didn't specify. He seemed to dig it, though. He told me to keep training, because we're almost ready for our shot at the 6 man titles!
Bayless: (sighing) Whatever. I can't wait to get rid of him and try to restore some order to this place. That dumb fuck cant even get basic stereotypes correct and dont get me started on his other ideas
Justice: What are you talking about?
Bayless: What am I talking about? Are you fucking kidding? I swear to god, I was in the locker room earlier today, and I saw a clown giving head to someone dressed as Charamander! And I think they wrestled in the dark match earlier!
Gary: Really? No way! I'm really glad that Chris and Steve found each other!
Both stare at him.
Gary: What? Baker introduced me to them earlier. Said they were his cousins.
Justice: Come to think of it, has anyone seen Baker? I heard he made the trip.
Gary: Last I heard, he put on a HHH halloween costume and was trying to self-mount himself on a wooden cross outside the arena with a sign that said 'Despite NXT, I still deserve to die for my sins in the 2000s" while one of the developmental guys was dressed in drag as Stephanie McMahon as Mary Magdalene mourning at his feet. Why?
Justice: Get him for - wait, you know what? Leave him where he is. Find the whiskey instead.
Gary: (Holds up a half-empty bottle of Jack) Way ahead of you, bro! We're gonna be champs!
Bayless puts his face in his hands and mutters to himself "I need to find better help" as Rockstar and Justice toast each other and take shots.
John Petuka has a stool in the ring:
"Last week, I put an end to my past, and now, I'm on the way to my future! See, I realize now that I wasted so much time with kbjone and going after silly belts like the B+ title, that I need to make up for it in the biggest way possible. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Petuka's Road to BOD Mania begins NOW!" He points to the seats, and a banner unfurls with the words "BOD Mania III....with John Petuka" "I have decided that the only way to make up for lost time is to say, right here and now, that John Petuka WILL be in the main event at BOD Mania III, and there I will fulfill my destiny and become THE BOD World Champion!" (Petuka looks down, takes a deep breath, and POINTS TO THE SIGN! HE MEANS BUSINESS! )
Extant 1979 is standing by with Biff Kensington III. Biff:
"Kiwi, you made the biggest mistake of your short life when you decided to mouth off to the uncrowned Solid B+ Player's champion, Extant! And now, thanks to my tremendous money and influence, Extant is going to add to the Kensington Enterprises trophy case, because he WILL be the next Solid B+ Player Champion! Tell them, champ!"
Extant takes the mic.
"Listen, you Anchor Cheese hocking bitch, everything that Biff has told me has come true, and he's told me that I will be the next champ! So you should enjoy looking at your belt while you can, because when I get my hands on you, I'm going to continue bringing home even more gold for the glory of all of Kensington Enterprises! You're looking at the future champ, because when it comes to Extant, well, money has made the man!"
(There's a knock on the door, and Biff opens it up. A courier is standing there. "Package for Biff Kensington." "Right here." Biff signs for the package, and the courier hands it to him. He stands here and clears his throat. "You want a tip? Here." Biff whips out a Biff Kensington 8x10 and signs it. "To idiot delivery guy, while you were standing there begging like a puppy for dinner, I made your year's salary. Sincerely, Biff." He hands it over and Extant hustles him out the door).
Biff opens the package. It's a....Riverdale high school yearbook from 2015? Biff opens the book, but the pages are blank...and stained with blood. He flips the pages to the middle, where he sees a picture of the Riverdale Covenant! It's signed in what looks like more blood! "To my dear friend Biff; we're not finished with you yet. Welcome to Hell. Welcome....to Riverdale." Biff closes the book and drops it to the ground in disgust, but gets a dangerous look on his face. The look....of a man with a plan.
"Harlem Street Fight"
Dancin' Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 vs. Night & X-Man
The arena is decked out with giraffes, big macs, and large...........peanuts? Both teams brawl to start. Night and FunkDoc are beating the shit out of each other with stuffed penguins. The DDH is GITTIN FUN-KAY......... with clergyman Fabian Chukwu!!!! HA HA HA GIT DOWN. The brawl heads over near the giraffe as X-Man knees FunkDoc in the groin. He takes a bite out of the Big Mac and spits it in the face of FunkDoc!!!! Night chucks a cooler that misses DDH, who then spears Night into the table containing the large peanuts. X-Man stomps on FunkDoc then picks him up and tries to slam him but FunkDoc slips out then eventually kicks X-Man in the gut and follows that with a swinging DDT. FunkDoc covers but Night breaks that up with a stuffed penguin. The DDH wants to get funky with clergyman Chukwu but runs over to help his partner as all four men are tossing Big Macs at each other as the camera shows Bobby Bayless watching backstage on the monitor, humming "Baby you a rich man." All four men stare at each other, covered in Big Macs and large peanuts, and are slowly backing down? They now nod at each other and are walking off separately? What is going on here? Someone better get Wade Meltzer to investigate.
Around the monitors in the back, Dock Muraco is approached by Redstorm11.
Muraco: Man, this fed needs something to spice it up.
Redstorm11: Tell me about it, Dock. I said the same thing last week. It needs people rating the matches to tell us what's good and bad. Letting people decide for themselves has bad idea written all over it.
Muraco: I know, right? I mean, you and I both know that the strong style Japanese wrestling is the best in the world and everything else is barely 2 stars if that in comparison.
Redstorm11: Exactly! But these fools don't know it! We try to tell them what they should like to make it so they can appreciate the sport more, and they just want to swallow the garbage they're given without appreciating the good stuff.
Muraco: You know, I like the cut of your jib, young man!
Redstorm11: And you're wise beyond your years!
Muraco: You know what? We should team up and make it our mission to only show the BoD what good wrestling is! Technical exhibitions! Chain wrestling! Shots to the head that would kill normal men, but we somehow accept as realistic in the context of a wrestling match for some unknown reason! Matches that are worthy of the designation of Match of the year, like....
Both together: Nakamura/Ibushi at Wrestle Kingdom 9!
They grin at each other.
Redstorm11: I love it! We can tell the people what good wrestling is and they'll love it! What'll we call ourselves?
They think for a moment. Then they break out in wide grins.
Both together: The HERBKUNZES!
A new tag team appears to have been born! The workrate should be off the charts!
Lets see the conclusion of Biscuit's bus trip:
(Biscuit is on the bus It missed the exit an hour ago as all we see are signs to Cleveland. The bus stops as Biscuit gets out. All of a sudden, the luggage compartments pop open and its Camp Cleveland, all wearing self-made "2015 NBA Champion Cleveland Cavaliers" shirts that White Thunder paid for on his own. They head over to Biscuit, who drops his last Slim Jim and squares off. Now, we see a car head towards them with some crazed lunatic racing ahead of it. As it gets closer we hear the sweet sounds of Robbie Dupree as its......................Strike Force! Mar Solo in the midst of his midnight coffee run, heads over but trips on the poorly paved Cleveland roadways and spills the special roast all over the Camp Cleveland shirts! Biscuit runs at them as Matt Indeed eventually gets his windbreaker off and joins in on the fray as Camp Cleveland retreats. Strike Force do their signature leaping high five then wave Biscuit over as they ask him if he wants a ride. Biscuit gets in as they pull away (Scene closes with a freeze frame of Strike Force pumping their fists in the air)
And now, time for some interviews:
Here is DBSM and the C-List Posse:
DBSM: Bill Ray, next week, you have a match for a shot at my C-List title. Well guess what (Stops as an increasingly psychotic Steve Decker, sporting a "I'll Hurt Kurt" t-shirt with a picture of Kurt Manwaring, starts swinging a bat wildly as Michael Winslow makes cuckoo bird sounds). WILL YOU GUYS FOCUS! How do you expect to win the Air Hockey tournament at Dave & Busters acting like that?
Mark Linn-Baker: How can we win with Harvey on our team? He is as good at air hockey as he was at defending Karl Malone
Harvey: Why dont you make yourself useful and get me Balky's autograph
DBSM: HEY!!!!!!!!!! I'm trying to cut a promo. Okay. (gathers himself) Bill Ray, after I put you away, I'm gonna go to Tina Yothers house party and tap Nicole Eggert!!!!!!!! HA HA HA, WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
"The answer is Alexandre Daigle. The question was, who does everyone in the audience remind me of, ha ha ha. Mister E Mahn, next week, your phony award-winning ass will get off of the chair and into the ring with me, the Wayne Gretzky of the BoD and the pride of Canada. I will kick your ass from Whitehorse to Halifax and like Alexandre Daigle, you will disappoint all your timekeeping friends."
Kaptain Kiwi & The Brothers Garea
Sir Tony: Biff, Extant, you must have your heads full of koala shit to think you can beat my boy!!!!!!!
Kiwi: Biff, Extant, you must have your heads full of koala shit to think you can beat me !!!!!!!
(Both men then stare blankly into the screen)
Curtzerker & Biff Kensington
Curtis: To all teams in the BoD, none of you have a chance (points to the titles) at these. Tell them Berzerker
TheBerzerker: HUSS!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biff: You hear that Strike Force, Your hear that Dancin' Devin & Funk Doc, You hear that Camp Cleveland, Job Mob, Fat Otters, or even Marv & Art? That is the sound of victory. That is the sound you will hear when you submit. That is the sound you will hear during your long walk backstage after we just beat you for the titles
TheBerzerker: (Hears the "HUSS" sounds from the HUSS section and tries to locate them) HUSS!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The camera shows Parallax, dressed in a suit made from cottons grown in a field that only children are allowed to play on, goes into the locker room to get ready for tonight's main event.
Next week, we will see highlights from the New England Ice Cream competition as Hoss was a guest judge. Plus, Nick Piers shows off his latest book, a BoD'er comes in with a BBQ truck, and what does Bobby Bayless have planned with Cowboys and Indians for his..................4th of July skit? Plus, the Fuj makes his return as he goes up against Bobby, the Texas Trainwreck, not the dumb fuck GM and we hear an update regarding the BoD Writer's division.
Backstage, TatR and Dean Andrews, as cowboys, recite their lines written for Bobby Bayless' 4th of July celebration. The Indians, Jose Gomez and Peyton Drinking also join in as they act of the scene:
TatR: Howdy ho, buckeroo!!!!!!! I'm a Cowboy that loves shrimp and crumpets
Dean: Let's go to the Ponderosa so I can make some good ol' shrimp on the barbie
Jose: Woo, Woo, Woo, Woo, Woo. Me injun, me scalp you for wompum and feathers.
Peyton: My teepee has a tomahawk and a baseball bat. I want your crumpets and shrimp for Chief Robert Parish
TatR: Giddy up!!!!!
Dean: We are here to claim the country for America
Jose: You white devil, me injun with wompum.
TatR; Have a blanket. Don't worry, it doesnt have SARS.
(Neither of them can read anymore as they just hang their heads in shame)
Marv Cresto & Art Macklin, Man Without Fear, are hanging out backstage:
Marv: Lets leave and go to my garage and listen to the HAM radio and take some leftover percocets.
Art: I fear no pill. I fear no radio or architectual structure.
Marv: How about the Chris Jericho podcast? Are you a cunt that complains about that?
Art: Fear complains about me
Marv: Yeah it does.
Parallax vs. Jobber w/ Job Mob
Jobber, coming to the ring wearing shades, takes them off and looks like his "gimmicks" have yet to kick in. Parallax pounces on Jobber to start and takes him outside with a dropkick. Zanatude runs over and puts a pill of some sorts in Jobber's mouth as he sits for a minute until it kicks in as Parallax enjoys some unsweetened organic green tea with kale and lemon. Jobber re-enters and goes ape shit on the Organic Wonder. Parallax fights back and tries a curbstomp but Jobber was able to roll outside to avoid the move. Jobber, who is not a fan of the organic style based on the amount of chemicals he has consumed today, as Chartock pour some liquid from a bottle in his mouth that might or might not be a wellness violation. Jobber heads back in and tries to stall but Parallax isn't having that and like GMO's in his cereal, he tosses Jobber back outside. Jobber then looks around and yanks the mic out of the ring announcer's hand. He has something to say:
"With the Warriors losing last night and that dumb fuck Bobby Bayless screwing me out of my first class accommodations for the NBA Finals, I have decided that there is no reason for me to show up to work until my demands are met. I got screwed out of my title at BoD Mania and I got screwed out of my bonus money because somebody used it to hire midgets to reenact the film "Grown Ups 2" for reasons unexplained to me. So, tonight, the Job Mob and myself leave until we get our respect"
The ref rings the bell as Jobber is counted out with Parallax getting the win. However, Parallax does not seem satisfied with a cheap win. What will he do about that next week?
TUNE INTO BoD RAW AND FIND OUT