Wednesday, June 24, 2015

WWE Tough Enough - 6/23/2015: "To Boot Camp or Bust"

In case you've been living under a rock and haven't been an active participant in the WWE Universe, WWE Tough Enough has returned to television!

I know, I know...we're all just so thrilled this show is back on television since it gave us wrestlers we can all agree are pretty OK. Like The Miz and Ryback.

I'm Matt Perri and my other half, Danielle, will be putting in her quips on, this, the first episode of the sixth season of WWE Tough Enough...

Let's get started...


We start with our hosts, Chris Jericho and Renee Young who immediately introduce our judges:
  • Daniel Bryan, who I am convinced only owns 150 plaid shirts.
  • Paige (DANIELLE: Who suddenly has Nikki Bella-esque tits and will show boob if she sneezes wrong.)
  • Hulk Hogan, who gets 5 minutes of career highlights (DANIELLE: As opposed to Daniel Bryan who got 1 1/2 "YES" chants in and Paige who almost skipped like AJ because she forgot who she was.)
Chris Jericho asks what the judges are looking for.

Daniel Bryan and Paige want "personality". Ditto for Hogan. But he also wants the "IT-Factor".

So, as you can see, the requirements for pleasing the judges aren't very hard to meet.

Our "first challenge" is to take place in a stadium in Orlando where Booker T welcomes them as the thirteen (DANIELLE: THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!) finalists. Booker, Lita and Billy Gunn make speeches and then we're introduced to the thirteen people who looked and sounded good enough over choppy .mp4 video format. (DANIELLE: I wonder how long it took for Vince to figure out how to play those on his laptop.)
  1. Josh from Thornton, CO - He looks like Glenn Danzig and he can do an imitation of a Yeti. (DANIELLE: Shut it down! Nothing spells "PERSONALITY" like somebody paying homage to Cryptozoology!)
  2. Daria from Los Angeles, CA - She's an MMA fighter who fights under the name of "The Jersey Devil". (DANIELLE: Maybe she and Josh can have a debate over which legendary creature truly exists.)
  3. Hank from Macon, GA - Hank is a "hammer, not a nail". (DANIELLE: Can't tell if he's attempting to come out of the closet or...)
  4. Amanda from Yorktown Heights, NY - She's not a Barbie Doll. (DANIELLE: Honey, you ain't a "doll" at all.)
  5. Alex from Dallas, TX RUSSIA, BRO, HE TOTALLY SWEARS - He's badass because he's got tattoos that resembles a Byzantine suit of armor and he also has a phrase tattooed on his back that, allegedly, means "DEFENDER OF MAN". (DANIELLE: It's on his back! They could have tattooed "EAT AT JOE'S" for all he knows!) Alex considers himself a "superhero". (DANIELLE: Who will invade WWE's Ukraine office and take the contract from the American embassy.)
  6. Patrick from Washington, D.C. - Token black guy who awkwardly plays the "my Dad just died" card. He explains that WWE brought out the best in him during that time. (DANIELLE: Jesus, just put a red shirt on him and call him "expendable".)
  7. Mada from Los Angeles, CA - (DANIELLE: Who looks like he should be starring in Aladdin 4: The Quickening. Seriously. Dude has a "Disney Villain" vibe going on with that goatee.) He's ready to compete.
  8. ZZ from Bayou Beouf, LA - He wrestles alligators. So everyone calls him "Gator". (DANIELLE: I guarantee nobody calls him that...)
  9. Dianna from Spokane, WA - She models. And she's engaged to a guy. And her ring is sparkly. Suck it, other women.
  10. Giorgia from Brisbane, Australia - She's single! And that's important because fucking other people holds them back.
  11. Gabi from Southington, CT - She's a diva. And she's mean. That's original.
  12. Tanner from Boiling Springs, SC - Essentially, Seth Rollins' gay brother.
  13. Sara Lee from Hope, MI - She has no "Plan B".
Booker's got a "surprise" for the finalists: Chris Jericho...on JUMBOTRON!!! The finalists applaud this as if it's a new concept. Jericho gives a speech about how they all need to be "tough"! Jericho tells them that they should all want to be at WrestleMania. 

Booker gives us our first challenge: running to the other side of the field while parachutes are attached to them. Lita illustrates the follow-up: picking up bags of sand which weigh as much as they do and running back to the other end. Then, they have to run all the way to the top of the second deck where Billy Gunn waits for them while texting his friends and telling them how fucking hot it is.

The challenge starts as a superimposed stat graphic tells us that the temperature on-field is a stifling "81 DEGREES". Oh, the suffering. Meanwhile, Billy Gunn yells over a megaphone, insulting the women, suggesting they are "walking" as they plainly bust their asses to run. (DANIELLE: I swear, if Billy Gun is at RAW on August 3rd, I'm going to punch him in the nose during a commercial break.)

Josh makes it all the way to Billy Gunn first. Amanda is the first woman. ZZ isn't even done with the sandbag challenge as everyone else hangs with Billy Gunn, taking Selfies.

But enough of that, Booker wants to take them all to The WWE Performance Center their dorm which has basic "army-living" amenties like:
  • Designer lounge chairs
  • A pool table
  • A jacuzzi (w/ Tiki torches)
  • Beer Pong balls and Solo Cups
  • A big HDTV w/ The WWE Network (DANIELLE: Only $9.99!)
ZZ wants to "get naked in the jacuzzi" while Tanner wants to "go out and celebrate" by getting plastered on whiskey. ZZ is pissed he can't drink because he's "only 18". (DANIELLE: He's getting the JoJo treatment...but fear not, there's women. And "getting naked" in the jacuzzi.) ZZ says that he will stay behind, build alliances and "eat all the cookies the kitchen has". Patrick stays with him.

TOUGH ENOUGH STUDIOS

The finalists are introduced (DANIELLE: AGAIN?!) and the judges start yacking about them.

AT A BAR IN ORLANDO

Gabi pole dances. Giorgia isn't surprised by that while Dianna twirls her hair and says she's engaged.

WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER

ZZ and Patrick talk about orgasms. While wearing inflatable floaters on their arms. (DANIELLE: Am I supposed to be using this to decide who's "tough"?)

FUCK IT, BACK TO THE BAR

The women play with Tanner's hair while the men talk about things like "towers" and "cardio". Tanner shows off his muscles and Mada isn't happy.

WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER

ZZ is happy that the women are back because "a jacuzzi that just has meat in it is a stew, not a soup". (DANIELLE: They got into the tub when everyone left and they're still in there when everyone returns? Are they tenderizing themselves to be eaten later?) ZZ's happy because a couple girls join. ZZ strips his shorts off and the party ends real quick.

6:00 AM
Billy Gunn wakes everyone up and everyone does calisthenics. Dianna complains that her "groin hurts". They jog outside. Tanner destroys everyone out there while ZZ limps along, dead last, while thinking about being naked in a jacuzzi.

Later that day...
Dianna is engaged -- but not engaged enough to braid Tanner's hair while Tanner looks smug as fuck, thinking about being naked in a jacuzzi with Dianna. Daria works over ZZ and the boys with no hair aren't happy. Alex gets testy and says he can't wait to beat Tanner. Tanner shows off his muscles. He's ready for Alex. 

Training Ring
Billy Gunn challenges the finalists to run back and froth in the ring which is really hard if you "don't grab the top rope. Meanwhile, Billy Gunn wants to show the contestants how to "pick people up". Then...they're gonna...run the ropes...again. Because that's different from the time they did it the first time. Dianna complains because her "side hurts". Everyone trash talks about how much they can do in the ring today. It becomes a shouting match with Patrick yelling at everyone within five feet.

Spoiler Alert: Tanner and his thong-soaking blonde hair win the thing. I guess. He had the most amount of points. But Vince usually buries everyone getting over, so I don't know what's passable these days.

Later that night...
Dianna's fiance is here (already wearing his wedding ring but, whatever). He hugs Dianna. The other girls have no idea where she is. Gabi hates her because she's engaged...and because she's Dianna. The other girls want her to pack her bags because Dianna. Some girls want her to fucking die because DIANNA.

Dianna comes back into the dorm (DANIELLE: Having thoroughly fucked her fiance in his Mazda RX.) and expresses her dismay that the Performance Center has no Wi-Fi which means that she can't finish planning her wedding. DANIELLE: This is ridiculous. She said she was getting married in September. That's three months away, she should be done planning. Matt and I are getting married in 10 months and we have more planned than this girl.) She starts crying. Gabi ain't impressed. But ZZ and Patrick are...and they help her out by hugging her real tight. Dianna stops crying long enough to tell Gabi how much she sucks and how "nobody likes her".

Three hours from elimination...

Alex is saying how much Tanner sucks and how he's going home because of how he wins everything and how all the women on the show wanna fuck him him silly.

FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY

Renee Young goes over this show's "rules":
  • One contestant gets eliminated each week
  • The judges will always nominate the "Bottom 3 contestants"
  • Viewers will keep their favorite of the aforementioned in a global vote
  • Each judge has the power to save one contestant from the axe per season
  • At the season finale, viewers will decide the final vote and will get to vote on both the male and female winners
Chris Jericho wants to the judges to grill the competitors.

Hulk Hogan wants to drill grill Dianna and he asks if she's "tough enough" or a "trophy wife". Whew, I'm exhausted by this line of questioning already. A suddenly-platinum blonde Dianna says she's ready for Tough Enough. Daniel Bryan wants to know why her fiance was "already wearing his wedding ring". (DANIELLE: JESUS CHRIST, BRYAN. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE KAYFABE.) Dianna says that her fiance "respects his woman".

Paige grills Hank. She wants to know why he insulted ZZ's weight and compared him to the women on the show. Hank sheepishly explains, "nuh-uh". Daniel Bryan tells him to shut up and wants to know what Daria's done to "take risks". She says something about taking risks that goes nowhere.

Jericho says we'll find out who gets eliminated...AS TOUGH ENOUGH ROLLS ON!!!

When we come back, we get our "Bottom 3"...

HULK HOGAN: ZZ
DANIEL BRYAN: Hank
PAIGE: Josh

Renee Young tells us all how to vote on this bullshit...then realizes that there are still people who haven't gotten the WWE App, so she instructs them on how to do that too.

Jericho has all the votes and gives the Bottom 3 a chance to "appeal to the voters":
  • Josh - Josh he's BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
  • ZZ - He's Cajun. He has flavor. He was born to be here.
  • Hank - He's average, unlike everyone else. He's also BEST FOR BUSINESS™.

None of the judges want to save anyone. (DANIELLE: They're just overwhelmed by all the "personality", I guess.)

AND THE WINNER OF WHATEVER THE HELL THAT WAS IS...

ZZ.

AND THE ELIMINATION GOES TO...

Hank.

Seriously. After losing every competition, not drinking and letting chicks play with his hair, ZZ's got the highest amount of votes because people call him "Gator" and he's Cajun.

This isn't rigged or anything.

Er...that's it.

42 comments:

  1. Dedicated UnderachieverJune 24, 2015 at 1:24 AM

    Dude, not for nothing and I really don't want to be "that guy", but if you're complaining in your second sentence of the first episode of a new show before getting into the recap about how un-excited your are, maybe this isn't the gig for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Down Under Aussie (in Japan)June 24, 2015 at 1:54 AM

    I thought Giorgia was the stand out contestant.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'd suggest adding the post-show Tough Talk to the viewing and recap, because if tonight is any indication, it's going to be WAY more interesting and better produced. That show reminds you why the Miz has a job... he's actually a much better host than Jericho. They also give the contestants more time to actually give insight into what wasn't shown or edited out.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ☃♪❖☛< CLARK. One year ago,after leaving my work-desk job , i've been blessed to get introduced to this superb job offer which saved me.. They offer online home-based jobs. My last payment after working for them for four months was 10000 dollars.. Best thing about this job is that the only thing required is basic typing skills and internet connection...

    --------> Full Detail Here

    -----------------------

    ReplyDelete
  5. No mention of Dianna's ass? That was the sole highlight

    ReplyDelete
  6. I thought this show was horrendous. The only thing that came off halfway decent was the presentation of Hogan, Bryan, and Paige. Jericho was like a bad game show host - every movement he made and every word he spoke was cheesy and pre-programmed.

    Above all else, they chose 13 of the most unlikable, generic, cookie-cutter people imaginable to be on this show. And on top of all that, the format was just all over the place and it just came off like no one knew what was going on.

    Overall, I don't think they could have had a worse start. It was a trainwreck in every way imaginable.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Dianna from Spokane, WA - She models. And she's engaged to a guy. And her rings is sparkly. Suck it, other women."

    I think we have our winner

    ReplyDelete
  8. Now THIS would have been the time to have Bob Holly come beat the shit out of people for no reason.

    ReplyDelete
  9. If she pretended to be engaged to a girl she would already be on Total Divas

    ReplyDelete
  10. haha, I like how Holly's explanation NOW is that it was basically an accident because Matt was flailing around too much.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This show was so fucking awful. They SERIOUSLY need to revamp the format and decide if they want it to be a live show or a taped show, because mashing the two together was awkward. It really felt like something written by Vince Russo, where they had to fit 94657128592 things into the hour. The taped segments featuring scripted Kevin Dunn "drama" were so, so bad. What is even the point of having the judges if the competition comes down to a rigged vote/popularity contest?


    Worst part is there's no Steve Austin trashing people for being stupid. I think I'll skip this season.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Cena vs Orton,one more timeJune 24, 2015 at 7:46 AM

    Well...the women were hot.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Jericho needs to bring his cowbell next week to Episode 2... SMELL THE RATINGS!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm actually rooting for Sara Lee, not just because she's from Michigan but she seems like the only worthwhile person out of that bunch. I'm sure she'll be eliminated in Week 2.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The "drama" seemed incredibly contrived... prime example Patrick "fighting" with Tanner for no apparent reason other than he was probably coached to do so by Dunn and the rest of the idiots.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You're crazy, reviewer that hates everything is a niche definitely not covered on enough wrestling sites.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I can see why they kept ZZ, he actually had charisma, I would have gotten rid of the long haired Roman Reigns wannabe.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sara Lee has a pretty face, but way too jacked for my taste.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This is the worst kind of reality trash.

    Like, oh my god. I thought this was supposed to be like WWE ultimate Fighter not WWE Big Brother.

    ReplyDelete
  20. TheOriginalDonaldJune 24, 2015 at 8:48 AM

    That's because Chris Irvine IS a bad game show host! #Downfall

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hot, yes. Easy to tell apart, no.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Or she makes it to the main roster and gets a bakery gimmick

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ah, yeah. Sorry. I should have been more excited about watching a reality show. Especially one produced by WWE who also gave us two of the greatest genre master works ever in "Total Divas" and "Swerved".

    And, then, whaddyaknow? We had five minutes of "competition" and 40 minutes of women complaining about another women because stuff. Meanwhile, everyone on the show immediately wants to hit a bar (complete with convenient stripper pole) while two men discuss orgasms in a hot tub. And then women work on styling the male competitors' hair while the bald men complain about it.

    I should be more excited.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Yeah, that was one thing that bugged me: you can tell that Jericho really doesn't wanna be there. I will try to add Tough Talk next time.

    ReplyDelete
  25. ^This. I can't tell you how many times I turned to Danielle and asked, "Who was that one again?" Without the labels, you can't tell one from another.

    ReplyDelete
  26. What part of Mich?

    ReplyDelete
  27. I want her to win. Honest. If gets the job, I might actually start watching RAW again

    ReplyDelete
  28. Danielle StolmanJune 24, 2015 at 9:46 AM

    Also there weren't any people of Asian descent - you'd think they could have found a built, tough and sexy Asian female competitor or redhead, the women were way too cookie cutter.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Danielle StolmanJune 24, 2015 at 9:49 AM

    Big Brother elements might be fun though, I'd have loved to see a competition dividing them into haves and have nots and have the challenges mean something so they could know they were safe for a week.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Danielle StolmanJune 24, 2015 at 9:54 AM

    Good suggestion, we will definitely have to cover that.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Danielle StolmanJune 24, 2015 at 9:57 AM

    Tanner is getting the underdog/Daniel Bryan edit. If he doesn't win, he'll be in the top two or three for the men for sure. Even Bryan picked up on it. With all the ant comments I half expected an Ant Man movie tie in somewhere that episode.

    ReplyDelete
  32. We should be lucky we got The Black Guy.

    ReplyDelete
  33. and his light up outfit, I kept waiting for him to put on the Light Brite jacket.

    ReplyDelete
  34. ZZ is an instant liability though, someone who took off his swim trunks in the Jacuzzi will be emailing full frontal pics to his fans soon, Seth can get away with that, not ZZ, not as a wannabee.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Also we on the west coast didn't get a chance to vote. They could have let everyone vote then announce the winner on the App or the next show to build suspense, but they probably thought people would forget who was who in a week.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Barf.

    Either have the show relate to the talents required to be a WRESTLER, or drop the pretense this has ANYTHING to do with finding a new star and just market it as reality trash. Big Brother and other manufactured "reality" shows are utterly worthless. Winning WWE: Big Brother doesn't make me want to see you wrestle a match, it makes me want to see you go away.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Good point. Voting lasted what, a commercial break? Goes back to my point about how they tried too hard to fit too many things into one hour.

    ReplyDelete
  38. AverageJoeEverymanJune 24, 2015 at 11:41 AM

    according to the Network special they tried to get the red head Asian rckr grrrl onto the show but she had some sort of health problem. They cant even get a token on without messing it up.

    ReplyDelete
  39. She's from Hope, which I believe is up by Saginaw/Midland area...

    ReplyDelete
  40. "Would anyone like to try my muffin?" *holds up tray of muffins*

    ReplyDelete
  41. I've just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete