I know, I know...we're all just so thrilled this show is back on television since it gave us wrestlers we can all agree are pretty OK. Like The Miz and Ryback.
I'm Matt Perri and my other half, Danielle, will be putting in her quips on, this, the first episode of the sixth season of WWE Tough Enough...
Let's get started...
We start with our hosts, Chris Jericho and Renee Young who immediately introduce our judges:
- Daniel Bryan, who I am convinced only owns 150 plaid shirts.
- Paige (DANIELLE: Who suddenly has Nikki Bella-esque tits and will show boob if she sneezes wrong.)
- Hulk Hogan, who gets 5 minutes of career highlights (DANIELLE: As opposed to Daniel Bryan who got 1 1/2 "YES" chants in and Paige who almost skipped like AJ because she forgot who she was.)
Daniel Bryan and Paige want "personality". Ditto for Hogan. But he also wants the "IT-Factor".
So, as you can see, the requirements for pleasing the judges aren't very hard to meet.
Our "first challenge" is to take place in a stadium in Orlando where Booker T welcomes them as the thirteen (DANIELLE: THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!) finalists. Booker, Lita and Billy Gunn make speeches and then we're introduced to the thirteen people who looked and sounded good enough over choppy .mp4 video format. (DANIELLE: I wonder how long it took for Vince to figure out how to play those on his laptop.)
- Josh from Thornton, CO - He looks like Glenn Danzig and he can do an imitation of a Yeti. (DANIELLE: Shut it down! Nothing spells "PERSONALITY" like somebody paying homage to Cryptozoology!)
- Daria from Los Angeles, CA - She's an MMA fighter who fights under the name of "The Jersey Devil". (DANIELLE: Maybe she and Josh can have a debate over which legendary creature truly exists.)
- Hank from Macon, GA - Hank is a "hammer, not a nail". (DANIELLE: Can't tell if he's attempting to come out of the closet or...)
- Amanda from Yorktown Heights, NY - She's not a Barbie Doll. (DANIELLE: Honey, you ain't a "doll" at all.)
- Alex from
Dallas, TXRUSSIA, BRO, HE TOTALLY SWEARS - He's badass because he's got tattoos that resembles a Byzantine suit of armor and he also has a phrase tattooed on his back that, allegedly, means "DEFENDER OF MAN". (DANIELLE: It's on his back! They could have tattooed "EAT AT JOE'S" for all he knows!) Alex considers himself a "superhero". (DANIELLE: Who will invade WWE's Ukraine office and take the contract from the American embassy.)
- Patrick from Washington, D.C. - Token black guy who awkwardly plays the "my Dad just died" card. He explains that WWE brought out the best in him during that time. (DANIELLE: Jesus, just put a red shirt on him and call him "expendable".)
- Mada from Los Angeles, CA - (DANIELLE: Who looks like he should be starring in Aladdin 4: The Quickening. Seriously. Dude has a "Disney Villain" vibe going on with that goatee.) He's ready to compete.
- ZZ from Bayou Beouf, LA - He wrestles alligators. So everyone calls him "Gator". (DANIELLE: I guarantee nobody calls him that...)
- Dianna from Spokane, WA - She models. And she's engaged to a guy. And her ring is sparkly. Suck it, other women.
- Giorgia from Brisbane, Australia - She's single! And that's important because fucking other people holds them back.
- Gabi from Southington, CT - She's a diva. And she's mean. That's original.
- Tanner from Boiling Springs, SC - Essentially, Seth Rollins' gay brother.
- Sara Lee from Hope, MI - She has no "Plan B".
Booker gives us our first challenge: running to the other side of the field while parachutes are attached to them. Lita illustrates the follow-up: picking up bags of sand which weigh as much as they do and running back to the other end. Then, they have to run all the way to the top of the second deck where Billy Gunn waits for them while texting his friends and telling them how fucking hot it is.
The challenge starts as a superimposed stat graphic tells us that the temperature on-field is a stifling "81 DEGREES". Oh, the suffering. Meanwhile, Billy Gunn yells over a megaphone, insulting the women, suggesting they are "walking" as they plainly bust their asses to run. (DANIELLE: I swear, if Billy Gun is at RAW on August 3rd, I'm going to punch him in the nose during a commercial break.)
Josh makes it all the way to Billy Gunn first. Amanda is the first woman. ZZ isn't even done with the sandbag challenge as everyone else hangs with Billy Gunn, taking Selfies.
But enough of that, Booker wants to take them all to
- Designer lounge chairs
- A pool table
- A jacuzzi (w/ Tiki torches)
- Beer Pong balls and Solo Cups
- A big HDTV w/ The WWE Network (DANIELLE: Only $9.99!)
TOUGH ENOUGH STUDIOS
The finalists are introduced (DANIELLE: AGAIN?!) and the judges start yacking about them.
AT A BAR IN ORLANDO
Gabi pole dances. Giorgia isn't surprised by that while Dianna twirls her hair and says she's engaged.
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER
ZZ and Patrick talk about orgasms. While wearing inflatable floaters on their arms. (DANIELLE: Am I supposed to be using this to decide who's "tough"?)
FUCK IT, BACK TO THE BAR
The women play with Tanner's hair while the men talk about things like "towers" and "cardio". Tanner shows off his muscles and Mada isn't happy.
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER
ZZ is happy that the women are back because "a jacuzzi that just has meat in it is a stew, not a soup". (DANIELLE: They got into the tub when everyone left and they're still in there when everyone returns? Are they tenderizing themselves to be eaten later?) ZZ's happy because a couple girls join. ZZ strips his shorts off and the party ends real quick.
Billy Gunn wakes everyone up and everyone does calisthenics. Dianna complains that her "groin hurts". They jog outside. Tanner destroys everyone out there while ZZ limps along, dead last, while thinking about being naked in a jacuzzi.
Later that day...
Dianna is engaged -- but not engaged enough to braid Tanner's hair while Tanner looks smug as fuck, thinking about being naked in a jacuzzi with Dianna. Daria works over ZZ and the boys with no hair aren't happy. Alex gets testy and says he can't wait to beat Tanner. Tanner shows off his muscles. He's ready for Alex.
Billy Gunn challenges the finalists to run back and froth in the ring which is really hard if you "don't grab the top rope. Meanwhile, Billy Gunn wants to show the contestants how to "pick people up". Then...they're gonna...run the ropes...again. Because that's different from the time they did it the first time. Dianna complains because her "side hurts". Everyone trash talks about how much they can do in the ring today. It becomes a shouting match with Patrick yelling at everyone within five feet.
Spoiler Alert: Tanner and his thong-soaking blonde hair win the thing. I guess. He had the most amount of points. But Vince usually buries everyone getting over, so I don't know what's passable these days.
Later that night...
Dianna's fiance is here (already wearing his wedding ring but, whatever). He hugs Dianna. The other girls have no idea where she is. Gabi hates her because she's engaged...and because she's Dianna. The other girls want her to pack her bags because Dianna. Some girls want her to fucking die because DIANNA.
Dianna comes back into the dorm (DANIELLE: Having thoroughly fucked her fiance in his Mazda RX.) and expresses her dismay that the Performance Center has no Wi-Fi which means that she can't finish planning her wedding. DANIELLE: This is ridiculous. She said she was getting married in September. That's three months away, she should be done planning. Matt and I are getting married in 10 months and we have more planned than this girl.) She starts crying. Gabi ain't impressed. But ZZ and Patrick are...and they help her out by hugging her real tight. Dianna stops crying long enough to tell Gabi how much she sucks and how "nobody likes her".
Three hours from elimination...
Alex is saying how much Tanner sucks and how he's going home because of how he wins everything and how all the women on the show wanna fuck him him silly.
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Renee Young goes over this show's "rules":
- One contestant gets eliminated each week
- The judges will always nominate the "Bottom 3 contestants"
- Viewers will keep their favorite of the aforementioned in a global vote
- Each judge has the power to save one contestant from the axe per season
- At the season finale, viewers will decide the final vote and will get to vote on both the male and female winners
Hulk Hogan wants to
Paige grills Hank. She wants to know why he insulted ZZ's weight and compared him to the women on the show. Hank sheepishly explains, "nuh-uh". Daniel Bryan tells him to shut up and wants to know what Daria's done to "take risks". She says something about taking risks that goes nowhere.
Jericho says we'll find out who gets eliminated...AS TOUGH ENOUGH ROLLS ON!!!
When we come back, we get our "Bottom 3"...
HULK HOGAN: ZZ
DANIEL BRYAN: Hank
Renee Young tells us all how to vote on this bullshit...then realizes that there are still people who haven't gotten the WWE App, so she instructs them on how to do that too.
Jericho has all the votes and gives the Bottom 3 a chance to "appeal to the voters":
- Josh - Josh he's BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
- ZZ - He's Cajun. He has flavor. He was born to be here.
- Hank - He's average, unlike everyone else. He's also BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
None of the judges want to save anyone. (DANIELLE: They're just overwhelmed by all the "personality", I guess.)
AND THE WINNER OF WHATEVER THE HELL THAT WAS IS...
AND THE ELIMINATION GOES TO...
Seriously. After losing every competition, not drinking and letting chicks play with his hair, ZZ's got the highest amount of votes because people call him "Gator" and he's Cajun.
This isn't rigged or anything.