I’ve finally managed to get Worldwide back in the rotation – and not a moment too soon! Z-Man! Johnny Gunn! Nothing but the biggest names on the planet!
TONY SCHIAVONE and JESSE VENTURA welcome us to an actual arena in Alabama. Tony’s displaying a quality part on the mid-right side of his head, with the kind of precision that lets you know, yes, this is the 90’s. PAUL ORNDORFF saunters on camera, and he starts screaming about Rick Rude’s injury. He apparently knows exactly what needs to be done. And what needs doing? Whether it’s Milwaukee, or Philadelphia, he’s going to have a match with Steeng. What of Atlanta? St. Louis? Murfreesboro? Does “Steeng” not work those territories?
BARRY WINDHAM vs. TOMMY ANGEL
Jesse tells us that Angel best be a Devil if he wants to beat Windham. There’s phoning it in, and then there’s Jesse Ventura circa 1993. Angel comes at Windham for about a second before taking an eye poke, and Windham dumps Angel through the ropes. An uppercut draws the ire of the referee, but Windham informs Pee Wee that no, he did not close his fist, and that seems to be enough to satisfy. The Jumping DDT (or, as Tony has coined it on every show, “A Form Of A DDT!”) is enough to seal Angel’s fate at 2:18. DUD
Elsewhere, handsome 8th string announcer ERIC BISCHOFF talks about WCW Magazine. That leads us into legendary midget BILL APTER handing the Rookie of the Year to ERIK WATTS. According to Bischoff, he managed to do this despite attacks from greats like Michael Hayes and Bobby Eaton, though he doesn’t touch on the uncomfortable rocket Bill Watts shoved up Erik’s ass.
VINNIE VEGAS vs. TIM DIXON
Jesse: “I normally don’t like guys named Vinnie, there’s just something about that name that just strikes a chord with me … but this Vinnie, I’m growing attached to.” Yeah yeah yeah Jesse, you have beef with McMahon – shut up and let me admire Tim Dixon. Tim has adorned a black singlet with half a leopard skin, accentuating his moppy mullet, and a quality unkempt mustache – the kind you’d see in the *really* raunchy movies. Unfortunately, his whisk broom is no defense for the Snake Eyes, and Vegas picks up an easy win at 1:07. Jesse gushes over how big Vegas is. Pfft, he should see Scorpio. DUD
Now, a WCW Exclusive! ERIK WATTS is being shot on a hand held camcorder at a gas station, signing an autograph for a clearly disturbed little girl. Her dad, holding the camera, encourages the pre-teen to “give him a kiss … yeah, see if ya can git a kiss there.” Holy crap – is this what got him arrested? After an inappropriate lip locking, the girl points out “hey, that’s ARN ANDERSON!” He’s power walking over fast, screaming “I TOLD YA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I CATCH YER ASS OUT HERE AGAIN!” Arn throws Watts face first into the hood of his car, but Watts punches him in the pooter and locks on the STF. The cops show up, and immediately arrest Watts for what I assume is aggravated battery, first degree sexual assault, and statutory rape.
THE WRECKING CREW vs. JOEY MAGGS and JOHNNY RICH
Maggs was kicking around even back then? He might well be the jobberiest jobber in the history of WCW’s jobbers, but we won’t know for sure until I make it through the entire run of the company at some point in 2093. Maggs almost picks up an upset win and the ladies moisten their knickers while finding their most obnoxious octave levels, but it’s not gonna happen folks. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Fury destroys Maggs with a backbreaker and leg drop, setting up Rage nicely to go to finish with the Meathook … but Maggs kicks out in a shocker. Rich gets the hot tag, delivering his patented spinning elbows to anyone fat … but a kick to the face from Fury sets up a backbreaker into an elbowdrop for the win at 4:29. This was no fun at all. *
Weather man Wannabe ERIC BISCHOFF is back with WCW Magazine. He introduces BILL APTER giving the Most Inspirational award to RON SIMMONS. Simmons is so polished and well spoken, delivering his thanks like a humbled Apollo Creed. You know, for everything McMahon got right with Austin, Foley, and Rhodes in the coming years … he completely blew it with Simmons. Ron’s got the charismatic endearing thing going for him, with just enough jazz to back it up in the ring. The fall of Ron Simmons in 1993 is going to be a sad thing to watch.
PAUL ORNDORFF vs. MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL
Bagwell actually upset Watts for WCW Magazine’s Rookie of the Year, despite Erik’s ability to overcome Michael Hayes. That’s pretty strong. Bagwell hits Orndorff with a knee lift, and then goes to the only other move he knows … the dropkick. Not to worry, he’d live by that dropkick for the next 4 years, before working in a swinging neckbreaker, and eventually, the Blockbuster. The announcers gush over the fact that Bagwell’s able to reverse a drop toe hold, but it honestly doesn’t change the fact he wears tassels. A crossbody block gets 2, and Bagwell yells “YEAH!” while turning his back, knowing this is as close to beating Orndorff that he’ll get. Belly to back suplex finishes matters at 5:12. 1/2*
STEVE AUSTIN and BRIAN PILLMAN vs. Z-MAN and JOHNNY GUNN
Jesse, keeping a straight face, says WCW’s tag-team division is the deepest it’s ever been. Oh. Pillman beats on Z-Man because, well, it’s fun. Zenk throws crappy dropkicks for awhile, before working a hammerlock. Gunn comes in and gets double teamed immediately. Austin tries to roll up Gunn with a handful of tights, which fails, but he tries it one more time anyway because he’s just that much of a scumbag. Pillman chops Gunn into fish chum, and when Z-Man tries to get involved, Pillman happily throws Gunn over the top rope illegally. Austin drops an axehandle, but it won’t keep Gunn down, who gets back in and slugs away for his life. The hot tag is made, and Zenk can’t wait to start hitting the bad guys with his awful awful dropkicks. A jumping superkick on Pillman nearly gets the upset, but Austin saves. And that’s all they’re getting, as Austin picks Zenk up for the Stun Gun, and Pillman pushes it forward with a dropkick for the pin at 4:35. On his way to the back, Austin tells the camera “they wuz nothin’”. Match of the night! *1/2
Back at WCW Magazine, Ken Doll look-a-like ERIC BISCHOFF has one more award to show off tonight. And what is it? A walking plaque hands itself to RICK RUDE as PWI Comeback Wrestler of the Year. Wait, I apologize, Rude picks up the plaque to reveal BILL APTER was there.
JESSE VENTURA welcomes VADER and HARLEY RACE to the live arena. Vader’s all fired up, huffing and puffing like a fairy tale wolf. Race says Vader knew when he walked the aisle in Baltimore that he was returning with the gold. Vader screams that he’s never listened to advice from anyone … except Harley Race. So, when he says Ron Simmons gets a re-match, “I SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE!” But, he’s more concerned with Sting, because he still wants that elusive King of Cable title. Who can blame him?
GET CYBERGENICS AT GNC! BLISTEX MOISTURE SYSTEM! MURINE EAR WAX REMOVAL! And do it now because this show is OVER! And you have some atrocious hygiene.