The SK Rant for WWF No Mercy 2000
(The PPV that inspired the game!)
- Live from Albany, NY
- Your hosts are JR & The King
- Opening match, Dudley Tables Invitational: Too Cool v. Lo-Down.
I guess this is two teams at a time. Too Cool look like Public Enemy-cito coming to the ring with a table to dance music. Both teams do some basic brawling, and D-Lo accidentally frogsplashes a table to give Too Cool the win.
- Too Cool v. Raven & Tazz.
Too Cool jump Raven and put him on a table, but Tazz chokes Scotty out. Raven bulldogs Sexay. They try to suplex Sexay through a table on the floor, but Sexay flips over and tries his sunset flip to the floor…as his feet shatter the table in the process. Sure, don’t expose the business TOO much there, Brian. A suplex through the table finishes Too Cool shortly after.
- Tazz & Raven v. The Dudley Boyz.
Quick wazzup drop and they set up the tables. D-Von legdrops Tazz through one of them to end it fast.
- The Dudley Boyz v. Goodfather & Bull Buchanan.
What a final. Bull lariats the ref early on, and you might as well put a big sign broadcasting the finish in the ring. And indeed Buh Buh puts Bull through the table, but the ref is unconscious. What, the timekeeper couldn’t make a judgment call there? Goodfather moves Bull out of the way and the ref wakes up to see Buh Buh in the wreckage, giving the RTC the win. BUT WAIT! Another ref comes out to restart this very important match, and a 3D for Goodfather through the table finishes for real at 14:40. Wow, a DOUBLE Dusty finish in the opening match to protect the RTC! I feel like I’m truly watching something special here. ½* for the whole mess.
- Meanwhile, Rikishi spends some quality time with his sledgehammer. Does HHH know that his sledgehammer is cheating on him, too? Man, can it get any worse for the guy? (Well, he could always tear a quad…)
- Test & Albert & Trish Stratus v. Lita & The Acolytes.
No, wait, the APA is injured or something because T&A has launched a successful attack on them in the back, leaving Lita to fight by herself. A 3-on-1 beating results for a minute before The Hardy Boyz make the save. No match. (What was THAT about?)
- Meanwhile, Edge & Christian discuss their nuts with Lillian Garcia.
- Cage match: X-Pac v. Chris Jericho.
Jericho does a choice job of running down X-Pac’s stale act, so the Seanster responds by wearing NEW TIGHTS! It’s black and silver now instead of green, thank god. They fight on the floor to start, and X-Pac tosses him into the cage. He goes for the climb and gets dropkicked off. Jericho tosses him into the cage. Bulldog, and now he goes for the climb, and they fight by the door. X-Pac rams him into the cage a few times, but tries a charge and gets backdropped into the cage. He comes back with a broncobuster and climbs to the top, but Jericho powerbombs him off the top in an awesome spot. X-Pac crawls for the door again gets stopped. X-Pac grabs a chair from the floor and KO’s Jericho. He climbs to the top, but gets crotched. Jericho joins him on top of the cage and puts him in the Liontamer in an odd spot. X-Pac pushes off and sends Jericho crashing to the mat. X-Pac climbs out, but showboats by standing on the open door, which allows Jericho to dropkick the door and get the crotchshot of the year on X-Pac, who falls unprotected onto the door, and Jericho walks out for the win at 10:39. Match was okay, but cage matches are pretty passé these days. **1/2 (Should have been another star for Sean Waltman landing nut-first on the steel door. The Vince McMahon rule generally applies for X-Pac matches, where the more times he gets kicked in the junk, the higher the rating.)
- Mr. Gass & Chyna v. Val Venis & Steven Richards.
Gunn gets a kneedrop on Val and a cross-corner whip. Chyna does some damage, and Richards comes in and gets press-slammed by Gunn. Chyna beats him up, too. Good plan – have the crippled guy get bumped around by the clumsy girl. Gunn comes in and gets armbarred to death. The rest of the RTC makes their presence known to distract the ref while Eddy hits Chyna with the LOADED FLOWERS OF DOOM for the Val pin at 7:18. Whatever. Billy Gunn still sucks, not surprisingly. ¼* (I think Right To Censor might have been one of the worst stables of all-time, right up there with Paul Jones’ Army.)
- Meanwhile, HHH & Steph have a spat.
- Rikishi comes out, announces Austin is chicken, and wants Foley to declare him the winner. And of course, here comes Austin in his big truck…
- Rikishi v. Steve Austin.
Big brawl to start. Usual stuff, intensely done as they brawl into the crowd before a bell actually rings. They chairshot each other and Rikishi bleeds pretty good. Rikishi ends up in the back of the truck and Austin drives him into the back, dumps him out, and tries to run him over, only to be thwarted by a well-timed police car. Austin is arrested and dragged off. No match, I guess, which solves that burning question about how they’d get one man to job here: They’d didn’t. (Hey hey! Maybe that’s how they’ll weasel out of the Punk-Ryback match! Have them brawl all over the fucking place and break stuff, but NEVER ENTER THE CAGE.)
- European title: William Regal v. Naked Mideon.
Lame wrestling sequence to start, as Mideon teases nudity. Regal sends him into the post and works on the neck for a while. Mideon bails, and a massive boring chant breaks out when he returns. Mideon then gets ENTIRELY the wrong idea in his head for drawing heat, and rips off the tearaway pants to reveal that he’s only wearing his fanny pack tonight. FAR too many shots of his testicles are seen for my liking and/or mental health. GIVE THIS MAN SOME PANTS, FOR GOD’S SAKE! Regal finishes him with the neckbreaker at 6:09. ½* (To clarify, Mideon wore flesh-colored tights under his pants, but still, YUCK.)
- Earlier tonight on Heat, Kurt Angle conducts a Weird Al style interview with the Rock, cleverly splicing together bits of old interviews to make him “confess” to being behind the Austin rundown.
- WWF tag titles: The Hardy Boyz v. Los Conquistadors.
The Conquistadors run away for a bit. Hardyz double-team Uno, and that goes on for a while. Los Conquistadors comes back, but miss a double-plancha. Jeff plays Gump-in-peril. Uno slingshots Jeff into Dos by mistake, but they retain control. Uno misses a weird-looking top rope senton, and Jeff makes the hot tag to Matt. Matt’s a house of fire! Highspots follow in rapid succession outside the ring. Dos returns to the ring and takes a swanton bomb for two. Twist of Fate, but Matt chooses to go for the mask, and that proves to be his undoing. Another mask is beneath the first one, and Uno (Dos?) hits the Unprettier for the pin and the titles at 10:53. Dull match that picked up at the end. **1/2 Apparently the new champs will defend against Edge & Christian on Monday. (The payoff for this was legitimately brilliant, by the way. Whoever booked this thing deserves major props.)
- For the benefit of Los Conquistadors’ fans, I now present the last match en Espanol, courtesy the Babelfish…
- títulos de la etiqueta de WWF: El Boyz robusto v. Los Conquistadors. El Conquistadors se ejecuta lejos para un dígito binario. El doble-equipo Uno de Hardyz, y ése continúa por un rato. Los Conquistadors se vuelve, pero falta un doble-plancha. Jeff juega Gump-en-peligro. Los slingshots Jeff de Uno en el DOS por error, pero ellos conservan control. Uno falta un senton superior extraño-weird-looking de la cuerda, y Jeff hace la etiqueta caliente a mate. Mate una casa del fuego! Highspots sigue en la sucesión rápida fuera del anillo. El DOS vuelve al anillo y toma una bomba del swanton para dos. La torcedura del sino, pero mate elige ir para la máscara, y de ése demuestra ser el su deshacer. Otra máscara está debajo primera, y de Uno (el DOS?) golpea el Unprettier para el contacto y los títulos en 10:53. Emparejamiento opaco que recogió en el extremo. ** el 1/2 que los nuevos champs defenderán al parecer contra el borde y el cristiano el lunes.
(And now, courtesy of Google Translator, a much better version…)
WWF Tag títulos: Los Hardy Boyz v Los conquistadores.
Los conquistadores escapar por un rato. Hardyz doble marca Uno, y que se prolonga durante un tiempo. Los conquistadores se vuelve, pero olvida una doble plancha. Jeff juega Gump en peligro. Uno hondas Jeff en Dos por error, pero conservan el control. Uno echa de menos un senton de aspecto extraño tercera cuerda, y Jeff hace el relevo a Matt. Matt es un castillo de fuego! Highspots siguen en rápida sucesión fuera del ring. Dos devuelve al anillo y lleva una bomba swanton para dos. Twist of Fate, pero Matt decide ir por la máscara, y que resulta ser su perdición. Otra máscara está por debajo de la primera, y Uno (Dos?) Disparo al Unprettier para el pasador y los títulos a las 10:53. Dull partido que recogió al final. ** 1/2 Al parecer, los nuevos campeones defenderán contra Edge & Christian en lunes. (2012 Scott dice: La recompensa de esto fue legítimamente brillante, por cierto Quien reservado este asunto merece apoyos importantes.).
- HHH v. Chris Benoit.
Big “HHH” chant from the crowd. HHH goes for the knee quickly and pounds on it, bigtime. Vicious stuff. PSYCHOLOGY~!, gotta love it. He even pulls out a Muta bridging deathlock. They head out and Benoit introduces him to the stairs. Back in, for some CANADIAN VIOLENCE! Single-arm DDT hurts HHH’s shoulder, and Benoit goes to work. He pulls out a hammerlock backdrop suplex, which is pretty insane. Northern Lights suplex gets two. Back outside, Benoit hotshots him onto the table. Snap suplex gets two. He tries the cross-armbreaker for a bit, then hits another hammerlock suplex and drives the diving headbutt into HHH’s shoulder. HHH comes back with a small package and an inverted suplex (called properly by LAWLER of all people!) . Slugfest, and HHH’s neckbreaker gets two. HHH superplex, but Benoit comes back with the rolling germans and a pair of bad-looking dragon suplexes for two. Benoit hits the crossface, but HHH powers out. Benoit beats him like a dog and slaps it on again, and HHH powers out again…and turns it into a DVD! (Death valley driver, not a digital video disc. Although speaking of which, it’s kind of a shame this one will never get a release anywhere.) Whoa, nellie! Stephanie bounces out (Bras reek of heinosity!) and slaps Benoit, allowing HHH to try the Pedigree. Benoit powers out and goes to the crossface, but HHH powers out of that and goes to the Pedigree, but Benoit powers out of that and goes to the crossface, but HHH powers of THAT, hits a lowblow, and the Pedigree finishes at 18:55. A clean finish in a HHH match? Wow. ****1/4 for some AWESOME psychology and a hard-fought finish. (That finish was something else.) Both guys’ hot streak continue. I dunno what they’re supposed to do with Benoit now, though. (Not much once his neck gave out again.)
- WWF title: The Rock v. Kurt Angle.
Slugfest, and Angle gets a chairshot on the floor. Back in for some choking. Rock hits a samoan drop and Angle bails. They fight to the back and Angle gets tossed through the backdrop. Angle whips him into the tech area and back to the ring we go. Rock goes punchy-kicky, and works on the knee. Dragon-screw into the Sharpshooter, but Steph distracts the ref so he can’t see the tapout. Angle hits a belly to belly off Rock’s chase of Stephanie (Run, Steph, run! Free them melons!) and gets a flying forearm for two. (On another superficial note, Steph’s implants really don’t suit her anymore, especially with HHH convincing her to live out his muscle fetish for him.) We HIT THE CHINLOCK, and Rock comes back and dumps Angle for more brawling outside. The EVIAN SPEW OF DOOM cues the comeback, but Angle grabs the title belt as Steph distracts the ref. It’s a no-DQ match, just hit him! Angle KO’s Rock for two. Angle goes upstairs and gets crotched and superplexed for two. A sweet german suplex by Angle sets up the ARM-BREAKING MOONSAULT OF DEATH, which misses. Lucky for Rock. Rocky comes back with the Hurricane DDT for two. Belly to belly sets up the spinebuster, and Stephanie tries to interfere, but gets Rock Bottomed for her troubles. Angle sneaks off and HHH runs in to beat on him, then stops to Pedigree the Rock for hitting his woman. Kurt crawls back in and covers for two. Crowd thought that was it. Another DDT gets two for the Rock. Angle bails, and now Rikishi waddles in for some more interference. Angle lowblow, but Rock gets the Rock Bottom. Rikishi comes in, but avalanches Rocky by mistake, then superkicks him by mistake. Angle gives both guys the Olympic Slam, and we have a NEW WWF champion at 21:33! Nice to see someone at least get the title off a pinfall for once. **** Great drama and pacing, despite the interference. (The rematch would of course be even better.)
The Bottom Line:
Once again, the last two matches save the PPV, as with Fully Loaded. Most of the first part of the show was junk (most notably the Austin-Rikishi non-match that I’d feel ripped off about had I purchased the show on the promise of seeing it) and didn’t serve much of a purpose at all. Hopefully Benoit won’t get shunted back to the midcard, but I don’t see a spot for him in the main event tier at this point. (Quite the opposite in fact.)
Thumbs up, but it’s a close call.