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The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–10.25.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 10.25.12

Live from Orlando, FL

Your hosts are Jeremy Borash & Todd Kennely for the first hour, and Mike Tenay & Taz for the second.

Jeff Hardy and two belts confer with Hulk Hogan to start… and then get narration from INSIDE JEFF’S BRAIN. You know, some TV storytelling conventions just don’t lend themselves to wrestling shows.

X title: Rob Van Dam v. Zema Ion

Ion gets a quick rollup for two and then begs off. To the headlock, as either my subwoofer is turned way up or the ring is miked INSANELY loud tonight. I kind of like it, actually. Sounds like old school World Class or something. Rob snaps off a press slam and moonsault for two, sending Ion running away, and he suckers RVD out for a shot to the railing. Back in, Rob misses a dive, and Ion gets his own to the outside. Back in, where a tornado DDT gets two. To the top, but the corkscrew press misses and Rob makes the comeback. Rolling Thunder and he goes up to finish with the frog splash at 4:28. Basically the same match as Bound for Glory. **1/2 As expected, Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan hit the ring for the beatdown afterwards, because Ryan’s about the only X division guy they’ve got left.

Meanwhile, Austin Aries mocks the ass-kissing going on leading up to the title match tonight. “Oh, Mr. Hogan, Mr. Nanny was so much better than Mrs. Doubtfire! That’s not true.” I love Aries correcting people even in his own imagination. He’ll be mocking the losers as we go along. I look forward to it.

Kaz & Daniels are out, and they’re conspiracy victims. And they’re pretty sure that the new champions aren’t even here legally. So they’ve got a PETITION, the most powerful tool on the internet, and they’re gonna get signatures from the audience towards a rematch. This brings out the World tag champions of Mexico, and they’re more than happy to grant another match, and even sign the petition for them. “Gimme back my clipboard! That’s an expensive pen!”

Meanwhile, Hulk makes his first elimination in the form of Mr. Anderson, because it’s Mr. Anderson and he sucks. Aries gets in his face on the way out and the brawl is on. Until the director says “Cut” and we get a quick shot of Hogan and Hardy again before commercial. Oh, TNA, why must you make it SO EASY to mock you even when you’re doing good?

Speaking of mocking, As Seen On TV crap hits a new low during the commercial break, as I learn that cotton swabs are in fact incredibly dangerous and it’s much more beneficial to stick what looks like a hot glue gun into your ear and suck out the wax instead. Q-TIPS: NATURE’S DEADLIEST PREDATOR. This is why I want to burn the As Seen On TV stores popping up in every shitty mall in the country TO THE GROUND. Lemme tell you, if you’re stupid enough to pop your own eardrum with a fucking Q-Tip, I guarantee you that sticking a piece of machinery in there is not going to lead to better results for you.

Meanwhile, Devon has a board meeting with Aces & Eights, stressing that under no circumstances should their masks ever come off. No kidding, at their current pace we’re only gonna be learning the identity of one of these geeks per month. They pick a victim with a dartboard tonight. I hear the WWE writing room works the same way.

World TV title: Samoa Joe v. Rob Terry

Rob shrugs off the chops and elbows Joe down, but Joe bitchslaps the shit out of him until Rob catches him with a spinkick. Terry goes for a chokeslam, but Joe reverses to the choke. Rob fights out twice, but Joe jumps him on like the monkey on Jeff Hardy’s back and sinks it in until he taps at 2:12. * Joe continues to roll.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle suggests that Bully is probably too focused on Devon and thus shouldn’t get the title shot tonight. So Bully gives up his shot and goes after Devon instead. These segments are getting dumber all the time.

Austin Aries v. Mr. Anderson

I’m glad we’ve got a bit of backstory now for this, even if it was only a backstage segment where they get in other’s faces and brawl for a bit. It makes the match mean SOMETHING, no matter how little. They fight for the lockup and Anderson gets so worked up that he pulls BRASS KNUCKLES out of his tights, which are promptly taken away by the ref. Aries is APPALLED at cheating demonstrated here, and the crowd chants “Cheater” at Anderson as well. Anderson instead gets a slam and elbow for two, but Aries rakes his eyes on the ropes to take over. AA tosses him and follows with the suicide dive, as we take a break. Back with Aries hitting a running elbow into the corner, but Anderson slugs back before running into a boot. Aries drops a knee for two. Anderson fights back again, and Aries does some dramatic bumping for his elbows. Neckbreaker sets up the Lambeau Leap, but Aries escapes, so Anderson puts him on the floor with a high kick and follows with a dive. Back in, that gets two. Aries tackles the ref and STEALS THE KNUCKLES, but Anderson gets them and the ref confiscates them again. Aries apparently knocks him out with a punch (was he supposed to have the knuckles?) and fakes a near fall for Anderson, then hooks the Last Chancery for the win at 13:00. I didn’t really get that finish and neither did the crowd. Pretty good action, but something went really wrong on that finish. **1/2

Knockouts title: Tara v. Miss Tessmacher

Tess stomps her down for two, but stops to argue with Jesse and Tara gets the sneak attack. Tara stomps away and slingshots in with a legdrop in between kissy-face sessions, but Tessmacher makes the comeback. Stinkface in the corner sets up a middle rope carpet muncher, but Jesse pulls her out of the ring. Back in, Tara finishes with the Widow’s Peak at 3:49 to retain. And onto ODB we go. Jesse & Tara v. ODB & Young should be a fun dynamic, actually. *1/2

Meanwhile, Joseph Park wants back in the ring again for revenge on the Aces, so he gives Hulk a release so that TNA won’t be responsible for injuries.

Bully Ray is out, and he wants an explanation from Devon. Devon and his new friends come out to respond, and he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation, but he’ll give one anyway. It’s because Hogan is a douche who didn’t help him when his contract was up and he was without a job. I should note that one of the Aces is clearly Garrett Bischoff. Bet he’s the next one unmasked. Bully goes on an AWESOME rant about how the Motor City Machine Guns kicked out of 3D in their last match, and that’s why he turned on Devon in the first place. Bully is just tremendous, single-handedly making this crappy angle into something interesting. Bully wants a fight right now, but Devon will only do it on his terms. So next week, Bully is issuing the challenge for Open Fight Night.

Christian York is next week’s Gut Check. Kind of an interesting twist by putting an actual name in there. He’s jealous of Joey Matthews (Mercury)’s success, although that’s setting your jealousy bar kind of low.

TNA World title: Jeff Hardy v. Kurt Angle

Hardy with an armdrag and he works on the arm to start, but Angle slugs away in the corner. Hardy fires back with the mule kick for two. Legdrop into the seated dropkick gets two. Angle drops Hardy on the top rope and sends him to the floor, and we take a break. Back with Angle holding a chinlock, but they clothesline each other. Hardy comes back with the flying forearm and headscissors out of the corner to put Angle on the floor. Nice clothesline off the apron follows. Back in, the Whisper gets two. Twist of Fate is reversed to the rolling germans, which get two. Angle Slam is reversed to the Twist and Hardy goes up, but Angle hits him with the pop up superplex for two. Angle with a MONSTER powerbomb for two. Where did THAT come from? Anklelock, but Hardy rolls out and goes up again, and this time whiffs on the swanton. Angle Slam gets two. Angle’s facials are just tremendous, as this dude has some fire. Hardy escapes another german and hits the Twist stunner, then the classic one, and finishes by finally hitting the swanton…for two. Thought that was it. Angle backdrops him out of the ring and the man is spitting up blood but HE DOESN’T CARE. He wants the title, motherfucker. Angle pulls down the straps, but Hardy rolls him up for the pin to retain at 13:30. Angle might be crazy and half-crippled, but he brings the goods. **** Austin Aries blindsides Hardy and cashes in his rematch clause at the Turning Point PPV. And he takes the real belt with him for safekeeping.

Aces & Eights launch their promised attack backstage, and Angle is the victim.

The Pulse

Whew. Last week was just an aberration, as this was a much breezier two hours of wrestling, with interesting storylines and a hell of a main event. And Bully Ray is just great at whatever he does lately.

Comments

  1. Aries is such a heel that he had a second pair of knucks hidden somewhere. I didn't think it was that hard to figure out.

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  2. Sounds like a decent show, will have to check it out on the dvr. That baseball game was too good to pass up.

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  3. I went back after and replayed it and yeah, saw it on the second go. Worked much better for me that way.

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  4. Ray is on fire and Devon looks like he is gettin in shape as well.


    Im looking forward to a good brawl.

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  5. I thought having the new team for the first hour helped, actually. Even if it means less "IT'S TAZ!" moments on Botchamania.

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  6. i agree that the new team is a great breath of fresh air.


    they were very easy on the ears. and treated the show like a sport rather than tenay/taz who treats it like a spectacle.

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  7. 'Jeff Hardy and two belts confer with Hulk Hogan to start… and
    then get narration from INSIDE JEFF’S BRAIN. You know, some TV
    storytelling conventions just don’t lend themselves to wrestling shows.'


    That is a common device used in reality TV, which just goes to show you...reality TV- Faker Than Wrestling

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  8. I just finished the show and thought it was very good. If hardy keeps having matches like this I won't complain too much but I hope still ends with him putting aries over. Aries was gold tonight.

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  9. I hope that TNA realizes that we all will be calling Chavo/Hernandez "Los Stereotypicos" from now on.

    Scott, if you don't officially refer to them by that name, you'll make baby Jeebus cry.

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  10. I like the new team as well and I also like the switch at the 2nd hour ala nitro

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  11. Not sure if someone has brought this up, but in hindsight Bully/Aries would have been the most logical BfG match with Aries as champ. Face Aries kept going over a brash, loudmouth heel Bully in the spring, and then he wins the title over the summer. Bully Ray, turned face by the fans, challenges a brash, overconfident heel Aries for the belt and takes it from him.


    IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

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  12. Also christoper daniels is such an awesome heel.

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  13. Wes Briscoe's man-crush on Angle is creepy.

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  14. BWAHAHAHAH Christian York. He looked rough, man.

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  15. Now that Jersey Shore is done, it's really time to repackage Robbie E.

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  16. So Aries is ripping off William Regal's schtick now? Oh well, it is past the seven-year statute of limitations...

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  17. ring is always like that, i didn't notice until i turned my subwoofer on about a month ago. enjoyable indeed.

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  18. As a Mexican myself -- that is to say, born there then emigrated to the U.S. -- I have to disagree; the way Chavo and Hernandez are playing it isn't as heavy on the "stereotypical" side for me as, say, LAX or even the beginnings of Eddie's Latino Heat gimmick. I enjoyed all three acts, mind you, but they're different takes on what writers and bloggers in these circles call Latinidad.

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  19. Will that WaxVac thing suck my brains out?


    That kid clearly was like "You're not my mom, I'll just pay attention to the nice man in the chair."

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  20. "It's actually a hand out for mr because you'd be so easy to beat." Austin aries is the shit.

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  21. Every time you hear the new guy with JB, you will realize he sounds exactly like Lance Wright.

    *trollface.jpg*

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  22. Oh, I agree that the name itself isn't accurate. I just think it's a great name from an always funny Kaz and Daniels.

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  23. Ohhh, my bad, I came in late on the interview.

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  24. Jeff's inner monologue needed Johnny from Airplane II saying, "Did I leave the iron on?"

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  25. I actually thought it was brilliant that he faked a near-fall with Anderson unconscious on top of him, for that extra bit of believability.

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  26. Christopher Daniels is awesome in general.

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  27. Hopefully package is post marked to OVW.

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  28. i thought he said dos, not los.


    either way is hilarious

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  29. he looked el terrible

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  30. i get where your goin, but hardy needed to be there for the buys.


    aries is an unknown, and ray is unproven as a singles draw.


    if im an tna exec im lookin at the money as well as being creative and weighing them out. i gotta put hardy there, cuz he is a draw. he is a flake so job the fuck out of him, but use him as a draw.

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  31. Random thoughts:


    - Tandem commentary teams really make me think of Nitro, regardless of quality. That may or may not be a good thing, I guess time will tell.


    - The X division has disintegrated, in my opinion, because people are finally taking the former faces of the division as legitimate contenders for any belt. Daniels, Kazarian, Joe, Styles and really even RVD are above the title, and there aren't a lot of small guys either on the roster or getting any face time. It feels like an also-ran title right now, especially with TV title push Joe is getting. Maybe they should put it in mothballs for a little while.


    - Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan go well together so far. Ryan seems to be able to hold the promo time together a bit better and then Morgan can just be intense. Also, the Legalize Sleaze shirt is a nice touch.

    - I liked the end of the Angle/Hardy match, but man can they water down finishers any more in wrestling these days? Geez, he got hit by three twists of fate AND the swanton and still kicked out. I know everyone does this now, and it's probably that i'm just getting old or something, but it's a pet peeve of mine.


    - Heel Aries taking the belt with him is a great classic heel move. Good stuff.

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  32. To be honest I was worried Anderson was actually going to kick out. I've been conditioned by WWE to believe a heel can never be smarter than anyone, even Ken fucking Anderson.

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  33. Well, it's not really an Angle match unless both guys kick out of each other's finishers a half dozen times. It's a rule!

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  34. It should be noted that Devon was flanked by four Aces the whole night, but only had three with him during the Angle beatdown before Garrett Bischoff and Wes Brisco made the save. This would point to one of them being the missing Aces guy.

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  35. FIVE POINTS, BRO!!!

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  36. He's Jeff Hardy without the talent, the mainstream appeal, or the infinite chances with management.

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  37. Also, there's something infuriating about JEFF HARDY, of all people, looking at James Storm and going "he's good, but he drinks too much."

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  38. "Lemme tell you, if you’re stupid enough to pop your own eardrum with a
    fucking Q-Tip, I guarantee you that sticking a piece of machinery in
    there is not going to lead to better results for you"

    Homer: "Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!"

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  39. I liked the new commentary team better. I already knew how good JB is, but I'd never heard of the other guy before. It felt like a completely different show with JB and Kennely in the booth.

    Angle VS Hardy is pretty much an automatic **** match anytime they face each other. I thought their match at Lockdown would be a ***** match, but Angle was injured training for the Olympics and the match was merely good instead and not up to the level of Angle's Lockdown matches with Joe, Anderson and Jarrett. I also have no problem with seeing Aries VS Hardy again. Their BFG match was actually just the 2nd time they've faced each other period, with the first match happening at some house show this past summer. I expect them to try to top the BFG match.


    I'm not familiar with Christian York, but it is interesting that he was in TNA before and he was Joey Mercury's tag partner. If he wins the contract, I don't think he'll be in OVW for too long because he's already a veteran and TNA does need X Division wrestlers.

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  40. Morgan is awful on the mic as a face. Morgan is at his best as a monster heel and/or a bodyguard for a heel. Turning him into Joey Ryan's own personal Diesel was the right way to go.

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  41. It needs to be a total garbage brawl, because a straight match would be a disaster.

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  42. If only they would get rid of Tazz on commentary for good

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  43. I want it on shirts.

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  44. That commercial is still a hell of a lot better than those awful Sham-Wow commercials featuring Fitz aka the single most unlikable douchebag in the history of TV commercials.

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  45. my opinion on why he sucks as a face is cuz he is too articulate. whereas as a heel all he has to do is kick in the face and sneer, point across.

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  46. they were the wannabe hardys in dying days of ecw before the young bucks were the wannabe hardys on the indys.


    nothing special.

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  47. Name him Robbie V 2.0 and you have an instant feud with Robbie V. 1.0. ;-)

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  48. Bully Ray is just a tremendous heel.

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  49. The commentary tandems reminded me of the first few months after Vince left the commentary booth and they tried to really distinguish between "Raw" and "War Zone." In the first hour Lawler or JR would work with someone else (Cornette for JR, Cole or Kevin Kelly for the King), and then for War Zone they'd work together.

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  50. You'll like tna better. No bunts.

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  51. York wrestled on TNA's debut show.

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  52. The "Q-tip as nature's most dangerous predator" made me mark out. Well done, sir.

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  53. The candle melts the wax in your ear; the earwax drains into the bottom of the candle. My wife likes it, I didn't care for it.

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  54. Or to paraphrase one of my favorite Homer Simpson inner monologues, "I'd kill everyone in this room for an eight ball."

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  55. I thought he was on an award tour with muhammad my man, going each and every place with a mic in their hand?

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  56. Plus don't look now but this act might lead to him getting over as a gigantic face!

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  57. Well played as I was just listening to that song.

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  58. Jeff's inner monologue reminds me of Foley talking about the halftime heat match with Rock and how there was this shot at the end that ruined the whole thing. Scott's right.


    Aries continues along the CM Punk school of heeldom path. Why is he a heel? He says Anderson sucks and doesn't respect Jeff's vanity belt.


    One thing I give TNA, they let guys run with the ball. Bully, Daniels, Kazarian, and Park are all Must See. Hell even Devon is more interesting now. Compare this to WWE where if you aren't one of the chosen few, you are buried for daring to break out.

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  59. brass knucks in the tights is such a common wrestling trope that you cannot call it "Regal's schtick"

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  60. I thought the same exact thing when he "said" it

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  61. I kinda get what they were going for with the Hardy voiceover, but think it would have been less confusing if they'd cut to Hardy speaking in a studio or something during the clip.



    Hardy to me is screaming for a monster with whom to feud. Unfortunately TNA seems low on the sort of guy he'd need. They could turn Storm, but that's not a good long-term idea. Morgan could work as well, but he'd need to be elevated/good at wrestling. We need a heel to knock the piss out of Jeff while the girls shriek in horror. Yes, I want the World Champion to be Ricky Morton. I think it could work.

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  62. Samoa Joe? But I guess he's face right now.

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  63. But being programed with Hardy is what turned Aries, and standing by Sting's side to fight A&8 is what turned Bully. If Aries was programed with Bully for BFG I don't think they would've changed roles.

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  64. This show was tremendous, about seventy steps up from last week's crap.

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  65. I'm thinking it was supposed to be irony.

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  66. They could bring back Crimson, but I think Morgan should be the one to do it.

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  67. I don't have a problem with him jobbing every so often. He's TNA's DIsco inferno.

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  68. Morgan has been KILLING it with this new take on his character. I expect him to be headlining as a heel before too long.

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  69. Joe I think would be great, but he'd have the Punk issue of half the crowd cheering him.

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  70. I do like the new character, but it remains to be seen if he can bring that same menacing vibe to a match. I'd like it a lot.

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  71. As I've said, they need to get Xplosion on the air (on Spike or on another network) and have matches and angle advancement stuff there.

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  72. Yeah, but he looks like an idiot being a stooge for Ryan. They need to tweak it some. I'd have Ryan terrified of him and doing anything to pacify him. Like the little dog with the big bulldog on those looney tunes.

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  73. Barbershop Window is probably on it.

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  74. No Detroit chokejobs on Impact Wrestling either unless Scott Steiner plans on returning.

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