It's I Have Issues meets The Only Reviews You'll Ever Need in the latest BoD Team-Up adventure!
LostScribe -
When we first started this article we
were going to call it “Horrible moments that make you ashamed to
like comics and forces you to take shit from your friends who you
assured were going to see an awesome movie list!” In the end that
title was decided to be too long.
Disclaimer: After being burned by comic
movies such as the ones below I have come to be very suspicious of
them, so I don't watch many of them anymore unless I like the
creators on them. So for instance I have never seen a Ghost Rider
movie. So most of my choices are older ones and I am sure that I
missed other more ridiculous moments. Still you can't deny, that my
choices suck.
5. Ang Lee's “Hulk”
Any scene using comic panels.
This movie is a snoozer and for a movie
about a man-monster that destroys shit and gets into fights over the
littlest thing that is unforgivable. I still really enjoy the Hulk
versus that tanks and choppers at the end but that is pretty much the
only thing good in the entire film. The worst part is by far when the
movie transitions using comic panels. It's a head scratcher for sure.
It's as if the creators said, “you know comic readers love those
white borders that hold the drawings in, why has no one else thought
to incorporate that in a comic movie! We will be the toast of the
town and carried around comic con on those pillow thrones as we get
our pick of any hot cosplay model we want!” Why don't they use that
same logic when they adapt novels to the big screen? Maybe they could
put page numbers on every scene or show a hand flipping pages for a
transition shot? No I got it, when they adapt a video game they
could put a life bar above the characters, or have flashing Enter
Player 2 at the top of the screen! See how much fun it is when you
start to make stupid shit up!
4. Superman 2
Cellophane shield
It's almost more painful when a movie
gets so much right and then fucks it up with a few bad scenes.
Superman has a laundry list of superpowers so why they had to add a
few more to his arsenal I have no idea. None of these is more
ridiculous than the cellophane shield and no matter how much you try
to rationalize the other powers (superkiss yeah I could buy that!)
the cellophane is just too stupid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS9GJNETHsw
3. Daredevil
Playground fight!
This scene is stupid but it really is
more of a personal choice. So my family knows nothing about comics
and I am telling them how hardcore awesome Daredevil is. Sure Ben
Affleck (at the time) wasn't the best actor and okay Bullseye doesn’t
have his costume and now Kingpin is black, it's all fine because
Daredevil is cool and his coolness will transcend these minor
quibbles. Then this shit happened and I lost all credibility as a
full proof source for movie recommendations. This was the point in
the movie where I could no longer make excuses, much like sex with a
smelly chick or a bad expensive dinner, I was just gonna have to
power through.
2. Spiderman 3
Bad Peter.
How could all the original actors and
the original creators fuck up a third movie after two good ones and
featuring arguably the best Spider-Man villain? The answer
1. Batman & Robin
The whole fucking movie!
“This move is awesome!” -said by no
one ever.
To pick out one scene is an exercise in
futility. Even more amazing is the cast in this travesty! George
Clooney, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Alicia Silverstone
(at the time) that is some star power right there! Joel Shumaker gets
all the blame but no one man could create this masterpiece in bad
filmmaking by their lonesome so listed below are others responsible.
Akiva Goldsman
Mitchell E. Dauterive
William M. Elvin
Peter Macgregor-Scott
Benjamin Melniker
Macheal E. Uslan
Full list of those responsible
You all know what you did now go sit in
a corner.
J. Ryan Buck (Lostscribe@gmail.com)
Caliber Winfield
5. - Wolverine Weighing A Ton - X-Men Origins: Wolverine
In X-Men: Origins, Wolverine has adamantium grafted onto his
bones. After this happens, he discovers that the people who did this to him were
a bunch of no-goodniks, and intended to use him for bad. So, he escaped and
wound up at a local farm. The couple took him in, and later the man of the
house gave Wolverine a motorcycle. When he sat down on it, the bike went down
really far on the shocks, because of the weight of the adamantium. Why is this
stupid? If the adamantium grafted to his bones makes him so heavy, then how
come the wooden chair in the kitchen didn't bust when he sat down? When he
jumped into a lake, why didn't he just sink? Why isn't he breaking all pieces
of furniture and such when he
sits down, and how is he even able to walk around if he weighs that much? I
know that's classic nerd over-thinking, but it's a moment that really annoyed
me. Granted, the film isn't fantastic, and has a lot of stupid moments
[Deadpool, for one], but this one just really stuck out to me.
4. – Memory Erasing Kiss - Superman II
Superman II is a damn good film. The Richard Donner cut is even
better. However, there's one moment that sticks out to all fans as one of the
dumbest moments ever. Throughout the beginning of the film, we see Lois start
to piece together everything and come to the realization that Clark Kent is in
fact Superman. For an ace reporter though, it's rather surprising that a pair
of glasses and a comb-over keep her from figuring out who he is. Anyway,
Superman finally comes clean, telling Lois the truth. Afterwards, Superman goes
human, gets his ass kicked, reverts back to Superman, and tells Lois they can't
be together because his enemies would hurt her to hurt him. She cries a bunch,
and Superman decides it's best to not listen to her whine forever. So, he
kisses her and it erases her memory. It has to be the laziest
get-out-of-a-painted-corner that we've ever seen in a film. A superkiss?! What
the absolute hell? It had never been done in the comic books before, making it
even more obvious that this was just a hackneyed plot device to get out of Superman and
Lois having a relationship. Couldn't they have just done the 'it was all a
dream' deal like they did in the comics? I imagine someone suggested that, but
it was shot down for being too stupid.
3. – Captain America Riding A Rocket - Captain America [1990]
Perhaps we can blame Batman 1989 for this one. When that film
was released, it quickly became one of the biggest films of all time. So,
studios were looking to cash in and milk some properties. Marvel thought they'd
try their hand with two of their most popular titles: Fantastic Four and
Captain America. Fantastic Four never saw the light of day, outside of
bootlegs, but we weren't so lucky with Captain America. As the film gets going,
Rogers is turned into Captain America, and sent smack dab into The Red Skull's
head-quarters. He arrives in the nick-of-time, as Red Skull is readying a nuclear missile right towards the White House. Before
he's able to stop this bit of nasty business, he's captured and strapped to it.
Meanwhile, a family is vacationing in Washington DC, and the precocious youngster of the fam heads out into
the night with his camera to snap pics of the monuments. As he's taking
pictures with his 1940s camera, he all of a sudden sees a rocket headed towards
the White House. During the time between Germany and the U.S., Cap' was able to
free himself and just before the rocket hits the White House, he pulls on it,
steering it in a different direction. Of course, at the very moment he yanks on
the missile, the kid, with his 1940s camera is able to snap a clear cut picture
of Cap's face as he straddles the rocket. He of course keeps this picture, goes
on to become President of the US, and realizes that the Captain America he's
been fighting crime with is in fact the man he took a picture of who was
straddling a rocket, low those many years ago. Could have been worse, Seth
Rogen could have written it.
2. – Every Scene With Ryan Reynolds from Blade: Trinity
Blade kicks ass. His original film was the first real release
from Marvel that was kick-ass. His second film upped the ante, and contains one
of the best sword fights in film history. The third one? Well....it's got an
interesting plot, with the actual Dracula being real, and modern day vampires resurrecting him to help them deal with the
Daywalker. Once their plan gets into motion, Blade has to have some assistance
from The Nightstalkers, a group of young vampire hunters. There are two of them
who really get into the thick of it, played by Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds.
Now, I dig Ryan. He's a good actor. I have no beef with him, except for this
film. He single-handedly ruins it with his unbelievably bad jokes and hipster humor. He's that
guy who you see at a party, or some sort of social function that tries so hard
to be funny and then laughs at his own jokes. There's nothing funnier than
someone who laughs at their own jokes. He even pulls out the classics like “Aaaalllll righty then!” as he
laughs and laughs. That's Ryan's character. At one point, he tells Blade that
he should have some therapy sessions, to which Blade glares at
him. Ryan responds with “I've had a lot of sugar today,” and boy howdy, is that
a knee slapper! The film is FILLED with this kind of crap, and ruins it without
mercy. On the plus side though, he does fight Triple H, and we get to see
vampire vibrators.
1. – Playground Fight - Daredevil & Elektra - Daredevil
Daredevil gets a bad-rap. The theatrical version is deserving of
it, but the director's cut isn't. There is one thing both have in common,
though: the absolute dumbest scene in comic book movie history. Daredevil is
hanging out at a restaurant as his normal self, Matt Murdock, when Jennifer
Gardner/Elektra shows up, and he aims to put the moves on her. She shrugs it
off and leaves, so he follows. What happens next is so asinine it defies
description. They start this Crouching Tiger-style of wire-fighting right there
in the park, doing flips, and super jump kicks, and mid-air blocks and
everything else you'd see a freaking blind lawyer doing mid-day. SERIOUSLY?!
Who the hell isn't going to take notice of this? Why on Earth would Matt think
this is productive and conducive to him keeping his secret? I mean, if they
insist on them doing this stupid flirt-fighting, why can't they at least have
it grounded in reality? Also, flirt-fighting does not work. I've given plenty
of females piledrivers before I realized that it just doesn't work. Although I
haven't completely ruled it out of my game.
Requests, mailbag, you can find me at faucetofslfame@hotmail.com. Or the comments section.
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser
- Recently updated with a MME entry, American Ninja. I've also got
other wrestling articles, horror, movie reviews, Top 4 articles, you
name it. Before it became a website, it booked pro-wrestling. It's first idea was Robocop saving Sting. It became a website soon after.
WCW In 2000 - Recently updated with a Nitro, which is the worst one thus far. Easy.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1 - Endorsements from Scott Keith & Maddox, constant 5 star ratings on amazon, and loved by fellow BoD'ers. The only book dedicated to action movies that you can use as an assault weapon and pillow.
WCW In 2000 - Recently updated with a Nitro, which is the worst one thus far. Easy.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1 - Endorsements from Scott Keith & Maddox, constant 5 star ratings on amazon, and loved by fellow BoD'ers. The only book dedicated to action movies that you can use as an assault weapon and pillow.
http://www.cracked.com/article_15709_the-8-most-cringe-worthy-comic-book-movie-moments_p2.html
ReplyDeleteBoth lists fail without the inclusion of "Superman 3 and 4 in their entirety". Seriously, Superman rebuilds the Great Wall of China by LOOKING AT IT!
ReplyDeleteAnd Ryan Reynolds is the only good part of Blade: Trinity.
I think "Bad Peter" is awesome because it's so ridiculous. don't get me wrong, the movie is bad - but for me that scene is hardly the reason for that.
ReplyDeleteHaha, 4 is bad, but it's enjoyable kinda bad. Blade:Trinity's Hannibal King moments are just bad. "She likes to listen to music while she hunts. Trip-hop, grindcore, whatever the kids are listening to these days. I'm more a David Hasselhoff kinda guy". HA! He says "kids", even though he's young too! And he listens to David Hasselhoff! He's bad at music! har har! No. Terrible.
ReplyDeletePart 3 of Superman is bad, but there's a lot of subtle things that are awesome. Ricard Pryor is great, and so is the lead bad-guys girlfriend. She acts like an idiot, but secretly she's intellectual, doing things like reading A Tale of Two City's [I think that's the book] when no one is looking. Plus we get bad-ass Superman, who's unshaven and just pissed off for no reason. Love that.
Your point?
ReplyDeleteI had that Archie meets the Punisher comic book. When i collected, I was a collector of weird stuff like that in addition to my favorite books. I used to search for old TV comics like the Brady Bunch, partridge Family, etc. Had a marvel team-up with Saturday night Live actors in it. forgive me, but everyone has to have some odd thing they collect, right?
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of people loved this past summer's Amazing Spider-Man...but not me. That scene when Peter's happily swinging around on chains in a warehouse to Coldplay...that's 2012's "playground fight".
ReplyDeleteRead an article with Patton Oswalt recently where he said that the reason Ryan Reynolds cuts all the bad jokes is because Wesley Snipes is an enormous asshole. Apparently he was acting like a jerk the entire filming and would only do close up shots and then go back to his trailer. Everything else was stand in actors. He also had the plot changed as it had nothing to do with Dracula at first. The director and the rest of the cast hated working with him so much that They would just make up random jokes for Reynolds to tell so they could amuse themselves
ReplyDeleteHarry Osborn's butler coming out of nowhere to tell him that Spider-Man is innocent after his employer spent the past couple of hours trying to murder his best friend is that movie's worst scene.
ReplyDeleteAnother Cracked.com article has been stolen?!?!
ReplyDeleteThe cellophane thing is stupid, but the worst part of Superman 2 is when they're walking back from the Fortress of Solitude. I was always under the impression that the fortress was an isolated chamber in one of the furthest reaches of the world, and Superman could only get there by flying. Yet he takes Lois there, surrenders his powers, and then they're apparently close enough to civilization to take a little stroll and hitchhike back to Metropolis?!?! Maybe it should have been called the Fortress of Suburban Sprawl. Whoever had a hard time buying Batman's journey back to Gotham in Dark Knight Rises needs to take a second look at Superman 2.
ReplyDeleteI thought the comic panel cuts were clever. I don't know how you pin that down as the stupidest thing about the first Hulk movie when there's a scene where the hero fights a giant gamma-irradiated poodle.
ReplyDeletelullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllz.
ReplyDeleteSpider-Man 3's emo/jazz scene is by far the worst scene in any comic book movie. Ever.
ReplyDeleteI would also include making a Punisher movie in which the Punisher never wears a skull on his chest at any point in time as one of the dumbest comic book movie decisions of all time. I'm glad Dolph Lundgren didn't get cast as Wolverine or else the claws might never have made it to the big (or direct to video) screen.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest hole in Superman 2 is that he's facing three military trained Kryptonians at the same time and somehow wins. Mind you, this is the same guy who when he didn't have his powers, couldn't fight a drunk guy at a diner.
ReplyDeleteSo he's somehow supposed to be able to beat THREE people who obviously have been trained to kill, on top of having the same powers as him.
Also: "They killed Superman... LET'S GET 'EM!"
Yeah, because I'm sure Cracked was the first site to think of "Stupid Superhero Movie Moments".
ReplyDeleteBUT Zod is easily the coolest villain in the history of villains in this movie. He created this perfect balance of humor and evil. I have no idea how they're going to recreate Zod in the latest remake (they really should've gone with Viggo Mortensen for the role, but oh well), but something tells me I'll be let down regardless.
ReplyDeleteTerrence Stamp, for two hours, was a god.
I liked the comic panels, too. I just wish they could come up with a good Hulk movie one of these days--something enjoyable as the TV show and its made-for-TV movies with Bixby. They were too cerebral in "Hulk" and Nolte was awful. Then, they were too action-action-action in "The Incredible Hulk," when they had one of the finest actors of this generation, Ed Norton, playing Banner. Alas, it probably won't happen since Hulk lost money and Incredible Hulk barely broke even if I remember right.
ReplyDeleteLaughed at the author's use of Superman's "roofie saliva".
ReplyDeleteTo be fair though, he couldn't beat them. That's why he had to trick them and strip them of their powers. When he holds his own against them earlier, I guess it might be credited to the fact that he had been on Earth longer and had a better understanding and control of his yellow sun infused powers.
ReplyDeleteThe two diner scenes are probably the best part of that movie. Reeves' "I've been working out" line is up there with Harrison Ford's "No, but it's my way," from Witness in terms of bully a$$-kicking quotes.
Planet Hulk was pretty good, if you like animated jazz. Hulk Vs Wolverine/Thor as well.
ReplyDeleteBoth movies didn't break even in the US, but more than made up for it in Worldwide grosses according to boxofficemojo.com. And I guess I'm a weirdo but I liked the first Hulk better than the second, but just by a touch.
ReplyDeleteWell, Bana and Connelly were pretty darn good through it all and were a credit to their characters, but the whole Dad soap opera was awful. I'm not typical though--I don't want any of the Hulks to be CGI or, at the very least, I'd like them to talk more.
ReplyDeleteAvailable on Netflix or Hulu Plus by any chance?
ReplyDeleteNo idea. Hulu hates Canadians, and I am netflixless.
ReplyDeleteIf you're looking for "HULK SMASH", the Vs. Set is the one to watch. Planet Hulk is more story-based.
Juggernaut, Bitch.
ReplyDeleteBut Bad Peter wins because it feels seven hours long.
Juggernaut, Bitch was awesome. Haven't you see the X-Men cartoon parody?
ReplyDeleteDid you feel a strong breeze above your head?
ReplyDeleteI did walk a little close to the ceiling fan again, why?
ReplyDeleteFor a scene like that DONE RIGHT, see Iron Man 2. Where Tony Stark gets drunk off his ass and has the time of his life in costume. Why? Because he thinks he's dying the next day. With anyone else, those scenes would've been gigantic face palms. With Robert Downey Jr., it wouldn't surprise me if the last things he said off camera about that were, "Oh, we were filming?" :D
ReplyDeleteBatman's credit card says hi.
ReplyDeleteYo Caliber, you do realize that canonically Wolverine is denser than an average human of his size and build...or at least he was in Claremon'ts run. You can call out the creators for not keeping with that the entire piece, but it is canon.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is, Reynolds' work as Hannibal King might've only been his third-worst performance in a comic book movie --- he was terrible as both Deadpool and Green Lantern.
ReplyDeleteAs a massive Punisher fan, that movie drives me fucking NUTS.
ReplyDeleteSince when on Earth does the Punisher sit naked in a sewer, as we listen to his Jeff Hardy ramblings of "Why God, WHY are the innocent dead and the guilty roam free?". Then afterwards he hangs with a drunk actor who speaks in rhyme. Lundgren was a fine choice for The Punisher, but good God did that movie suck.
I do love that line, as he mimicks lifting weights. I've always stated that Reeves' ability of making Clark & Superman so different is one of the best performances ever. He was perfect.
ReplyDelete"People always ask me 'Hey Tony, how do you use the bathroom in that outfit'... just like that!"
ReplyDeleteClassic.