The SmarK RAW Rant–01.28.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 01.28.13

Live from Las Vegas, NV

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler

CM Punk joins us to start, and he’s not in a good mood. The Rock is a CHEATER and so is everyone in the arena, allegedly. Somehow I don’t see “Phoenix Screwjob” catching on. This brings out Vince, who has an anonymously donated videotape tying Punk to the Shield. That’s exactly the sort of thing a flesh-peddling promoter like Vince WOULD say.

Randy Orton v. Antonio Cesaro

The roulette wheel spun “Guest Referee” for this match, so of course it’s the Miz. Cesaro pounds away in the corner, but gets clotheslined by Orton for two. Backdrop suplex gets two. They head to the floor and Orton drops Cesaro onto the railing and throws forearms on the apron. Back in, Orton catapults him under the rope and gets two. They exchange forearms and Cesaro wins that battle, but Orton backdrops him onto the floor and we take a break. Back with Cesaro in control after running Orton into the post, and that gets two. Cesaro with the CRAVAT on Orton, but Orton fights up, so Cesaro hits him with a Michinoku Driver for two. The deadlift suplex gets two. Orton comes back with more clotheslines and the powerslam, but Cesaro hits him with the BOLO FOREARM and gets two. God I love that move. Orton tries the draping DDT, but Cesaro escapes and fires away in the corner, forcing Miz to pull him off in a shitty refereeing job. Cesaro of course argues, and walks into an RKO at 12:48. That was some seriously poor officiating there. Gorilla Monsoon would be AGHAST. ***

Meanwhile, Ryback apparently has to make Vickie laugh as a result of the roulette wheel.

Make Me Laugh Challenge: Ryback v. The Primetime Players

So they have to tell jokes, and neither of them are funny, but it doesn’t matter because Ryback just beats them up anyway. Totally pointless.

Wade Barrett v. Bo Dallas

Wade gets to choose his own opponent, so the choice was obvious. Dallas gets some shots in, but walks into a kick and gets booted out of the ring. Back in, Barrett loads up the elbow, but walks into a suplex and gets pinned at 2:09. Good, about time we had an upset storyline. *1/2

Cody Rhodes v. John Cena

Cena with the hiptoss and dropkick to start, and a suplex puts Cody on the floor. Cody decides to walk out, so Cena throws him back in and finishes with the FU at 1:41. Well that was about as much of a squash as you can get. ½* After that silly match stuff is out of the way, we get to the important stuff: The talking! Cena ponders whether to challenge the WWE or World champion and points out that the WWE champion will either be Punk or Rock, even though they still haven’t announced that as the main event of Elimination Chamber. Way to SPOIL it, John. He claims to have “no chance” to beat either man, but challenges the WWE champion anyway…and here’s the Shield. The beatdown commences, but Sheamus saves, only to get beaten down as well. So Ryback makes the last save, but he also gets beat up, and this would look to be another Chamber PPV match.

Dance Off: Tensai v. Brodus Clay

Sadly, Tensai thinks it’s a lingerie pillow fight due to a wacky misunderstanding with the wheel. Luckily Ron Simmons is there to offer his punchline. Yeah, this was awful.

Body Slam Challenge: Alberto Del Rio v. The Big Show

Yes, apparently this feud MUST CONTINUE. No match, as Show attacks and knocks ADR out before the bell, then duct-tapes him to the ropes and destroys Ricardo instead. A fine heel beatdown, but it just went on WAAAAAY too long. Plus I really don’t want to see this match yet again.

Kaitlyn v. Tamina Snuka

This is a lumberjills match with the women dressed as showgirls. There’s only six of them out there because that’s literally all that’s left. Tamina pounds away and goes to a chinlock, then dumps her for some abuse from the limited heel presence. Aksana, basically. Back in, Kaitlyn comes back as even Cole and Lawler are burying the match. Finally everyone just runs in for a brawl and they mercy-kill it at 3:00 of hell. JBL’s “So this thing started on a higher level?” snark was the best part of it. Early contender for Worst Match of the Year, easily. -***

Finally, The Rock has come back to Vegas. Tonight, it’s the start of the People’s Era, so it’s pie for everyone. CM Punk is not OK with that and comes out to protest the loss of his title, and ends up challenging Rock for the PPV after Cena already gave it away.

Tables Match: Sheamus v. Damien Sandow

Sandow wisely runs away to start, but Sheamus sets up the table and beats on Sandow outside. Back in, Sandow uses an armbar takedown onto the table, then goes outside and finds a second table. He destroys Sheamus’ bad arm using the legs, and they fight onto the apron, but Sheamus slingshots back in with a shoulderblock. Sandow comes back with the ELBOW OF DISDAIN and viciously rams Sheamus into the side of a table. Sheamus gets the forearms on the apron and puts Sandow through a table with White Noise at 7:17. OK, he beat Sandow again, so what? **1/2

Karaoke Challenge: Zack Ryder v. The Great Khali

After yet another god-awful “comedy” segment with Khali singing Shawn Michaels’ theme song, 3MB interrupts and gets beaten up. Three hour RAWs, folks.

Chris Jericho returns to hopefully save this show. Jericho thanks the fans for the welcome, but Dolph Ziggler and his entourage interrupt. AJ reminds us that she fired Jericho six months ago, and Jericho wonders if “Big E” refers to Langston’s bra size. Dolph questions Jericho’s contract status, so Vickie appears and notes that she signed him, then makes a match with them as a team tonight against Hell No.

Kane & Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler & Chris Jericho

We take a break immediately and return with Ziggler controlling Bryan, but Jericho tags himself in and hits Kane with the springboard dropkick. Bryan escapes from the Walls and brings in Kane, but the dissention continues between them, although Kane is still able to chokeslam Ziggler at 5:00 anyway. Good to see Ziggler’s right back to jobbing again. ½*

Your next Hall of Famer: Trish Stratus. If Tammy can get in, then sure, why not?

Main Event Performance Review: Vince McMahon v. Paul Heyman

Vince comes right out and asks if Paul has Brad Maddox or the Shield under contract, which Heyman denies. He does admit to being a liar every day of his life, though, because that’s what promoters do. So Vince shows SECRET FOOTAGE of Heyman admitting to everything on tape, including paying off the Shield and Maddox. So apparently the anonymous source was Maddox’s cameraman. Heyman plays the “It wasn’t me” card and claims it’s all a conspiracy against him. But before Vince can fire him, it’s BROCK LESNAR. Vince tells Brock not to do anything stupid, but Brock gives him an F5 anyway. So that’s how we’re getting to Brock-HHH 2 for Wrestlemania. Just accept it.

The Pulse

The ending was pretty great, but HOLY GOD were there some of the worst segments in the history of the show leading up to it, and most of everything else was totally pointless. Even the Rock and Brock combined couldn’t save RAW Roulette. This one should have stayed in Vegas.