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The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–02.28.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 02.28.13

Live from Orlando, FL, for the last time, right?

Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Todd Keneley and Taz.

Bully Ray is out, and he’s OUTRAGED at the actions of Aces & Eights. SHOCKED AND APPALLED. He’s so mad at Devon that he’s gonna kick ass so effectively that Devon will never want to step into the ring again. So he brings out Jeff Hardy, and he’s kind of bummed because he doesn’t want to be the guy who got a title shot just for being Hulk’s son-in-law. They do some bonding, but Bad Influence interrupts, offended that Daniels didn’t get the title shot and “Bully Raymond” did. In fact, the only reason that Hardy was able to beat him is that Jeff’s tattoos caused an allergic reaction that hampered his performance. Bully DISSES THE APPLETINI and the brawl is on. So there’s your main event tonight.

Meanwhile, Magnus tries to convince Sting that he should be a part of the Lockdown team.

Knockouts title: Velvet Sky v. Tara

Tara throws shoulderblocks in the corner and gets two, but Velvet comes back with the headscissors and stops to argue with Jessie. She spears Tara for two, but Jessie pulls her out and gets banished by the crazy chick ref as a result. Velvet finishes with the Pedigree to retain at 2:00. Quick topic for discussion: Who has the worst women’s champion right now, WWE or TNA? Because it’s a tossup for me. ½*

Meanwhile, Kenny King pesters RVD for one last match, and promises to leave the X Division if he loses.

Austin Aries v. Hernandez

Aries gets overpowered and thrown around, but reverses a powerbomb and sends him to the floor before following with the suicide dive. Back in, Aries misses the frog splash and Hernandez hits him with a gorilla press and the Pounce to put Aries on the floor. Aries decides that he’s had enough and takes a walk, but Hernandez brings him back in, where Aries hits him with a chain for the pin at 4:28. This was fine. **

Meanwhile, Joseph Park serves Sting some RIBS (ho ho!) and makes his pitch, but Sting gets distracted by Matt Morgan, who apparently is someone we’re remembering again. He still hates Hulk Hogan, making him the only one who still cares about that storyline.

X Division title: Rob Van Dam v. Kenny King

They trade some stuff on the mat and RVD hits a german suplex, but stops to point and gets dumped by King. Kenny misses a dive and Rob guillotines him on the railing as we take a break. Back with King in control with a snap suplex for two. Rob comes back with Rolling Thunder and goes up to finish, but stalls too long and misses, giving King two in a weird bit where it looked like RVD wasn’t supposed to kick out but did, or something. King then finishes with a terrible F5 to win the belt at 9:00. Well thank god for that. **1/2

Aces & Eights are out, and they’re gonna like beat Sting up and stuff. So Sting brings out his Squadron: Samoa Joe, James Storm, Magnus, and the returning Eric Young. That’s an odd choice. And the brawl is on, with the Aces losing as usual. Garrett Bischoff was looking pretty jacked up there.

Gut Check: Ivelise Felez v. Lei’d Tapa

It’s NXT reject v. Barbarian’s niece, giving us a pretty neat backstory for both of them. The intro video for Tapa shows her learning the TONGAN DEATH GRIP, so she’s got my vote. Felez throws kicks and grabs a standing guillotine, but Tapa shoves her off, so Felez gets the back. Tapa puts her down with a big boot and throws her around the ring whilst yelling, but Felez comes back with a sloppy DDT for two. Tapa is not so much with the good. Felez comes back with the rana, but walks into a samoan drop that gets two. Felez turns that pin attempt into a guillotine that finishes at 4:14. Saaaay, featuring a young female MMA-themed wrestler, wonder why that is? Tapa was green and clumsy and Felez clearly deserves the vote here. *1/2

Where the Fuck Is AJ Styles, Part One: Family and friends wonder if AJ is off somewhere doing the drugs or what. And while the interview is going on, HOMELESS AJ shows up and then storms off on his Batcycle. Oh, wacky TNA.

Robbie E. is out to make good with Rob Terry, and he pledges not to be jealous that Terry is in fact the better bro, bro. So it’s time for an old fashioned Bro Off, at which point Robbie turns on him because he’s a moron. Like you’d think he’d be smart enough to use a weapon more devastating than a poster, but I guess really he’s not. I don’t imagine this feud will end well for him.

Kazarian & Daniels v. Jeff Hardy & Bully Ray

Bully beats on Daniels in the corner, but the heels get a double suplex before Bully puts them down with a clothesline and mocks them. Flip Flop and Fly sends the heels running and we take a break. Back with Kazarian putting Hardy down with a cheapshot to break up a double-team, and Hardy is YOUR face-in-peril. A great sideslam into a springboard legdrop combo gets two for Daniels, but Hardy hits him with the Whisper and makes the hot tag. Bully spikes Daniels with a Rock Bottom for two and a sideslam for two, but Hardy goes up and gets tripped by Kazarian. Daniels with an STO for two as it’s BONZO GONZO, and an electric chair into the swanton finishes Daniels at 11:00. Lots of great old school double-teams and stuff here. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle storms into the Aces clubhouse and beats the crap out of Anderson, then unmasks the mysterious leader…off-camera. He’s so shocked and appalled that he can’t even say the name!

The Pulse

This was a good show and I approve of it, even if the direction for Lockdown is a bit “meh” right now. The Bully title win over Hardy feels like the first part of the story they need to get out of the way before moving into the meat of the program, though.

Comments

  1. You didn't mention Aries' "Hardy squats"? That was tremendous stuff.

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  2. Saaaay, featuring a young female MMA-themed wrestler, wonder why that is?


    Worth some credit, at least, for following the trend quickly. WWE could've had something compelling with Eve in that role.

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  3. Considering Angle unmasked the leader, would it make it more likely to be Jarrett than Bischoff?

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  4. ROFL! THAT HAD ME IN STITCHES!

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  5. "They need to sign that Puerto Rican chick right now. She's hot, she can
    talk, and she can move. I imagine her and Gail could have some awesome
    matches."

    "...NXT reject..."


    It's interesting the different perspectives that people can take from the same thing.

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  6. The best of The Hardyz and The Dudleyz, together at last! The Hardleyz!

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  7. Considering the state of Angle these days, he probably can't say "Bischoff".

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  8. I'm wondering if Aries sucking up to both guys in the main event is going anywhere. Having him play them off of each other could be fun.

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  9. I'd say Velvet is worse than Kaitlyn, if only because she's been in the wrestling business for nine years.

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  10. You oughta see the comments over at the Torch live-blog. TNA marks are seriously disturbing.

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  11. That guy looked big. My guess is Abyss.

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  12. Lets say one doesn't want to do that...


    What's the gist of what they're saying?

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  13. If Devon brings in Matt I will laugh my ass off.

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  14. Here's a couple of quotes:

    ""The heels then went to work on Hardy as Tenay talked about downloading an App." Yeah.. he should have talked about tout, ate some sonic or showed previews of movies 10 times. Stupid mark."

    "What a breath of fresh air! A nearly Huckster-free episode of Impact, by God it's been too long! No overly spectacular matches but lots of honest-to-goodness WRESTLING! I'll take it any week over another lousy episode of Hogan Knows Least 2. Iveliesse Velez the Gut Checker/Tough Enough "washout" actually had the best match of the night. Here's hoping she becomes another great talent WWE stupidly let get away.Also, it was a week late, but finally some outrage over the Pukester choosing the #1 contender. Great verbal shots on the Pukester by Kaz! Plus a great cliffhanger ending. Most definitely a great Impact all-round. Hopefully the ratings will reflect it and show that TNA doesn't need the Pukester family around to drain the money and push the REAL workers to the back burners. Get well never Pukester, you weren't missed this week. HAHAHAH!"

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  15. With a sell-job like that, it's going to be disappointing when it winds up being D-Lo Brown.

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  16. The former is from brocore in the live thread, and the latter is obviously Scott.

    It's interesting when one person clearly marks out for a début and then another sits back and their first thought is one full of pessimism.

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  17. Knowing WWE, they'll get around to this character about 5 years after Ronda Rousey's time has passed.

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  18. And their buzz words at the time will be "epic win/fail" and saying "lawl" when Cena is out there telling poop jokes.

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  19. Velvet's alot worse in the ring than Kaitlyn, but Velvet shows off her ass all the time and is one of the hottest women in wrestling history (admittedly, I like the "trashy" look). So that evens things out and makes Velvet the better champion, in my sexist mind.

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  20. And when the character actually debuts it'll bury the MMA gimmick and do the "brand new" Harlem Shake instead.

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  21. Homeless AJ - that was awesome.

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  22. "Joseph Park serves Sting some RIBS (ho ho!)"

    I wonder is Joe's ribs are as good as his brother's cookies supposedly were?

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  23. Victor Rodriguez JrMarch 1, 2013 at 3:49 AM

    Agreed on all fronts accept theyre both equally lousy in the ring.

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  24. ...stop going there...

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  25. Velvet was hot.


    She did something to her face... i dont know what... but she isnt The original TBP run Velvet Sky.

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  26. Ok.. what the fuck is the harlem shake, cuz all i know is that its a dance we used to do in the clubs 10 years ago.

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  27. Well, I didn't know she was an NXT reject. Wouldn't have changed my opinion one bit. WWE passed on something good there. If that match wasn't a fluke on her part, and TNA doesn't have the Knockouts belts on in at least six months time, then they're nuts. She's everything they wanted out of Tessmacher to be the face of the division, and she can wrestle. There isn't a downside to hiring her.

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  28. I'll go with Velvet Sky as being the worst women's champion. Kaitlyn will probably get better in due time, even if we have to watch the painful learning process, while Velvet is as good as she'll ever get. It does say a lot about the WWE Divas division when the most featured Diva in the division for the past month is one of Brodus Clay's dancers (who should be in a more wrestling oriented role and maybe its champion) instead of its champion.

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  29. That RVD-King match at 2.5 stars? Normally I never would complain about a rating, Scott, but that finish was the biggest botch-job I've seen in God-knows-how long.

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  30. absolutely. I really don't have a problem with wrestling promotions trying to cash in on current trends.

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  31. I was hoping he was hanging out with Cactus Jack in Cleveland.

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  32. Not to mention Aries aping Hernandez's pose in his post-match celebration. There's very few guys that make me genuinely laugh in wrestling, yet TNA has five or six, these days (Aries, Roode, Kaz, Daniels, Park, Robbie E).

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  33. I pissed myself when he drove off on that ridiculous bike. Felt like I was watching Trailer Park Boys or something.

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  34. Every match those two have had against one another has been Botch City. RVD is bulky and slow while King seems a bit spotty and lazy at times. Why they felt they needed to have at least 3 matches with this pairing, I've no idea.

    Can they just go hire Jigsaw now, please?

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  35. Agreed. RVD looks bored stiff, and who can blame him?

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  36. No mention of the double Gangnam style from Bad Influence?

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  37. It's a fine idea, I'm just amused as how brazenly they put the character on TV without even waiting a week for Meltzer to stop giving daily buyrate updates on the radio show.

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  38. The rating I thought was weird was for the Gut Check match.I thought the two rookies put together a match as well as the KO title match.

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  39. Maybe it's the hair, but both champs are terrible.

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  40. Wasn't a derogatory statement, just a backstory.

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  41. Well I rated the Gut Check match a full star higher, so I'm not sure what the issue is.

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  42. I have a feeling that AJ will be to the Aces and Eights angle what Sting was to the original nWo angle. He's the face wrestler that lost faith when no one believed in him until he proved he was right and now he's all, "Fuck all yall," and disappears for a few months (Changing to a darker look in the process.)

    He'll come back as ass-kicking AJ (probably not talking and wielding some form of weapon) and both sides will be asking "Whose side are you on?"

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  43. The issue is I'm coming off a bender and didn't catch that...sorry.

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  44. Looks like she got work done.

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  45. They could be called the "Wingmen" Their theme music will be done byvthe second best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-up".

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  46. They need to hire some KO that can hang with her in the ring.

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  47. Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?

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  48. When Rousey's time in MMA is up She should be signed by either TNA or the WWE.

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  49. It's the name of that retarded song that just came out that has people like LeBron James dressing like mental patients and having seizures to it online.

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  50. Given Sting's look was based on The Crow, what contemporary movie can they base AJ's new look on? Lincoln?

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  51. As shared to you by deliberately thick British people: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyLWIJxNUHo

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  52. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesMarch 1, 2013 at 8:31 AM

    As long as she has that big ass and throws it in the camera, I don't care if her face looks like Khali's.

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  53. Quick thoughts:


    -I HATE angles like the one at the end, especially in the Twitter age. Why wouldn't Angle just tweet the identity of the leader?


    -Both ladies have a future. Tapa may be green but she is gonna be the next Kong. Just put her in some matches with the better female wrestlers like Tara, and uh...


    -Park should have been the final member instead of EY. He's done a great job and deserves a spotlight. Have Sting be the one who knows he's Abyss and then pull a Cap and Hulk moment where at Lockdown everyone is getting beat up by Aces and Sting is all, "Hey Park!" Tosses him the Abyss mask. "SMASH"

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  54. I was kinda impressed by Ivelise on Tough Enough, she was far and away the best female worker who didn't look lost in the ring. Hopefully, there's a spot for her here because she's much more deserving of a weekly job than Miss "Melina vs. Alicia Fox".

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  55. There's a very good and logical reason Angle doesn't just tweet the leaders name, you see..... Oh my god we're out of time..tune in next week!!!

    I do really like your Abyss/Hulk idea, it would be a very cool moment. I would say hold off on it if I thought TNA had any idea where this Parks/Abyss thing is going but your idea is great.

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  56. It looked like Rob got hurt on the 450. He looked dazed, even more than usual.

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  57. No one would believe Angle.


    They'd figure his account was hacked again.

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  58. If he plays heel Abyss and face Joe Park at the same time THAT would be insane.

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  59. I'd rather it be Pritchard than D-Lo if they have to go the 'office' route. He could be a middle management doofus caught up in the wrong crowd.

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  60. I only had it on in the background....but when they showed Hulk Hogan's tweet on the screen did it really say Aces and Eights would have "he'll" to pay instead of hell?

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  61. Knowing TNA, Kurt will put up a tweet saying "I can't believe the Aces and Eights leader is" and then have his tweet sent without an ending cause he was ambushed. Had time to press the send button!

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  62. Really? If her face looked like Khali you could still look at her and go "Yeah, I'd hit that"

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  63. fucking autocorrect

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  64. I don't think he'd be looking at her face.

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  65. Kaitlyn's hair is the most interesting thing about her.

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  66. King is awesome. He needs someone else to work with. And I'm a longtime RVD mark, but he's not bringing it lately.

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  67. Family Guy beat you to the punch with "Garfunkel, Oates & Nash."

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  68. Dirty_Dave_DelaneyMarch 1, 2013 at 12:17 PM

    Especially if Matt turned out to be the mysterious Aces and 8s leader Angle unasked at the end of Impact.

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  69. Duh, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, of course!

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  70. Actually the modeling pics were, but now with the muscle mass she looks like Velvet Sky got bombarded with gamma radiation and got really really angry.

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  71. Dirty_Dave_DelaneyMarch 1, 2013 at 12:28 PM

    It would make sense as Abyss originally disappeared after that match with Bully at Genesis 2012 and that whole match came about after Bischoff told Bully to get Abyss back as a member of Immortal. If they do go with the Bully Ray title win and reveal him as a member of Aces and 8s too then I'm guessing that the story behind it will be to do with Bischoff getting ousted from TNA forcing him to turn to Bully Ray who reveals he's convinced Abyss to side with them. I wonder where Brooke Hogan comes in, in all of this, in whether she's a victim being duped by Bully or if she's in on the whole thing as I can see Bischoff wanting to get to her for revenge for Hogan turning Garrett on him, whom he's made amends with since. Also did anyone else notice Garrett stealing his dad's mannerisms a few weeks ago with the whole insincere hand on heart look?

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  72. I try to ignore Garrett as much as possible.

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  73. Still doing the Eric Young thing huh?

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  74. Punisher? "What is the Hurter doing in the Impact Zone?"

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  75. Caliber_Winfield_69420BoobiesMarch 1, 2013 at 2:19 PM

    I'm telling you, digging chicks with a big ass is both a gift & a curse. It'll make you do crazy things sometimes

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  76. I'm wondering why Aries got no love for hiding the chain in Hernandez's tights at the end. Good psychology, because if somehow Hernandez had kicked out he could have pulled an Eddie and framed him for having a foreign object. Plus super dick heelish.

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  77. Am I the only one who laughed at Robbie T continuing to wear the Robbie E poster while hulking up?

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  78. Honestly, I think AJ is the Vice Prez. They even hinted at it with him driving away on his motorcycle. Yeah, he's not fat like the guy playing the Vice Prez on TV, but when has that kind of logic ever stopped a wrestling promotion before?

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  79. I'm not saying either is wrong; both views are fully justifiable.

    The more interesting thing is that even from differing viewpoints you both ended up reaching the same conclusion.

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  80. Ask Kanye West and Puffy.

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  81. No. It would have to be someone Angle trusted to get that type of reaction. After the feud they had I can't see him trusting Jarrett.

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  82. Makes sense, especially if Team TNA loses. Young isn't on the level of any of the other members on his team so he can take a loss, giving credibility to A&8s while protecting the rest of his team.

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  83. Bishoff would probably use that in an angle. "Whats the matter Kurt? Your Twitter account get hacked?.....I said...your twitter account get hacked?"

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  84. Exactly! Which means Joe will eat the clean pin.

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  85. Garrett has to pin SOMEBODY.

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  86. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrgwnMmGOrg

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  87. OH YOU THINK THATS BAD!

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  88. Kanye West is gay.


    Would I hit KIm K?
    Absolutely. HIt that shit like its no tomorrow. I would do nasty things to her. Nasty things to be with her, so I can hit that ass.


    But I would never skeet in that bitch. Like only lames would skeet in a known rat. Like when did skeeting in rats become the business? The bitch has publically been on tape, that at least warrants me to try and smash her out, but hitting it RAW and cumming inside her?


    If Kanye wasnt rich and famous he'd be "sucka for love N*gga of the century." (Jury is still out.)


    That alone proves to me he's gay, cuz he broke the G code. You dont cum in rats.

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  89. I'd say its those tits but thats just me

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  90. Lately? Try "the whole f'n time outside of him being tna champ"

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  91. Looked like it.

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  92. I'd say, "Yeah, sweety. You know what would be fun tonight? Role playing! Here, put this luchadore mask on..."

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  93. Now that's pimpin', pimpin'...

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  94. He got the "Simpsons" reference.

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