The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 05.16.13
So after two fairly grueling weeks of reformatting and adding 2013 Scott Sez comments, the new Kindle book is DONE. Scott’s Blog of Doom Presents: The Coliseum Video Rants! is now available on Amazon for $2.99, featuring all 29 Coliseum Video Rants, plus three BONUS rants that I did as a part of my Classics on Demand phase. Hopefully you have as much fun reading them as I did writing them.
Taped from Tupelo, MS.
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Tazz and Mike Tenay
Hulk Hogan is out to talk some trash about Aces & Eights, and he wants to bring out Abyss to thank him personally for taking care of business last week. Sadly, only Joseph Park (brother of Abyss, you know) comes out. This brings out D-Lo and Devon, and Joe is REALLY STARTING TO GET PISSED OFF. Devon gives him the appropriate amount of respect (ie, none) and so D-Lo wants to kick Joseph’s ass to prove himself. That might not go well for him.
Bobby Roode v. Chavo Guerrero
They trade hiptosses to start, and Roode opts to just toss Chavo to gain the advantage, and beats on him outside for a bit. Back in, they slug it out and Chavo gets a headscissors and goes up, but Roode blocks that. Chavo keeps coming with the Three Amigos and goes up to finish, but Roode brings him down and to the floor. This brings James Storm out, and he spits beer at Roode for the DQ at 4:29. Well that kind of sucked. **
Kurt Angle is out to announce that he’s facing AJ Styles…again…at the PPV, but this brings out Mr. Anderson. Next week, they’re going to be “patching AJ in” and Angle best not interfere. Angle attacks Anderson for even suggesting such a thing, but AJ comes out of the crowd and lays him out with a high kick.
Jay Bradley v. Christian York
So the winner of this advances to the PPV to face the winner of something else and the winner of THAT gets entered into the Bound for Glory series as designated cannon fodder. York works the arm to start, but Bradley puts him down with a big boot for two. Bradley pounds away and sets up for the BOOMSTICK, but York ducks it and fires back. York with a somersault into the corner and they slug it out, but York goes up and misses something, allowing Bradley to finish with the Boomstick lariat at 4:00. Watchable thanks to York, but really sloppy and Bradley looked green. *1/2
Gail Kim v. Velvet Sky
Backstage, Brooke books Mickie in another title match next week for some reason. Velvet fights off Gail’s attack and takes her down with a headscissors, but Kim goes after the injured leg to take over. That continues unabated for a while before Velvet makes the comeback, but stupidly does a high kick on the bad leg. Kim sweeps the leg, but Sky rolls her up for the pin at 6:20. Really? Kim’s in total control for the entire match and Sky has one good leg and still manages to beat her with a rollup? That’s what someone thought was a good finish? This division has been getting, dare I say, WWE-like recently with thus stuff. *
Suicide is still coming.
X title: Kenny King v. Petey Williams v. Chris Sabin
Surprised they’re going with the blowoff on a taped show. They’ve done a really solid job of building up the Sabin-King feud…but this is a three way. King decides to wait it out on the floor, leaving Williams to beat on Sabin, but then changes his mind and yanks Petey to the floor. Sabin slugs away on King, but Kenny comes back with an enzuigiri. Williams sends Sabin to the floor, but King hits Petey from behind and gets two. He whips him around the ring and hits the chinlock, but Sabin comes back in and makes the comeback. Northern Lights suplex gets two on King. Williams tosses Sabin and legsweeps King for two. Downward Spiral gets two. Sabin breaks up the Destroyer attempt with a clothesline and goes up, but King kicks him down and adds another spinkick to Petey for two. Backbreaker gets two. Sabin with an enzuigiri on King and he hangs him in the Tree of Woe, then FUs Petey into the prone King. King recovers, tosses Sabin, and finishes Petey with the Royal Flush at 7:25. They pretty much told us in the pre-match promos that it was going to be the finish, so really we shouldn’t be surprised. OK match. **1/2
Christopher Daniels v. Hernandez
Hernandez gets the delayed suplex and AIR MEXICO clothesline, but Kaz trips him up and Daniels takes over with a clothesline. Neckbreaker gets two and Kaz gets some shots in from the outside, but Hernandez slingshots back in with a shoulderblock. Blind charge misses and Daniels tries to finish, but now Storm comes out and distracts Daniels long enough for Hernandez to finish with the Pounce at 4:24. Storm announces that at the PPV, it’ll be Chavo/Hernandez v. Aries/Roode v. Daniels/Kazarian v. himself and a partner. Assuming he’s healthy in time, I guess. I kind of hope it’s Chris Harris, but Jeff Hardy seems like the safer bet. Either way, they HAVE to change these titles to get off the treadmill of the same three teams. **
D-Lo Brown v. Joseph Park
D-Lo quickly dominates and beats on Park outside, then back in for a Shining Wizard and a seated clothesline. D-Lo misses a blind charge and Park rolls him up for two, but D-Lo kicks him back into the corner again. Corner clothesline and he slugs away in the corner…but he draws blood. That proves to be very bad for D-Lo, as Park makes the magic transformation and destroys him with the Black Hole Slam at 4:41. So now Park presumably gets the TV title shot at Slammiversary. More greatness from Park afterwards, as he does all the Abyss mannerisms and then snaps back to reality, apparently having forgotten what happened. Perhaps he has the same concussion issues Ziggler does. *
Main Event Contract Signing: Bully Ray v. Sting
Sting offers some badassery with a No Holds Barred challenge, but Bully counters with a stipulation where Sting can’t get another title shot FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE if he loses. Sting feels this is worth it and accepts, and they slug it out to end the show.
This did nothing for me, but as usual it was a breezy show that flew by. It was a show that was boring me, but then I checked the DVR time and saw there was only 30 minutes left and I was like “Oh, well OK then” and felt happier somehow. It’s like the exact opposite feeling I get when I’m watching RAW suck the life out of my soul and see the FIRST HOUR copyright notice on the screen, causing me to groan like Homer having the Stone of Triumph attached to his neck.
Anyway, this show was OK, nothing more, nothing less.
No love for the fact that ONCE AGAIN AJ's kick caused his hood to go up over his head? It's magic, I tell ya.ReplyDelete
Given that they were in Tupelo the last couple of weeks, when someoneReplyDelete
mentioned the concession stand, it struck me that they really should
have had some sort of brawl at a concession stand, especially since
Jerry Jarrett co-founded the company and Jeff is still a part of it
behind the scenes.
Then again, it would have gone over everyone's heads anyway.
I wonder what percentage of the audience doesn't know that Joseph Park and his brother, Chris - you know... Abyss! - are the same person.ReplyDelete
Well I cant wait till this Sunday for The Paddling of the Swollen Ass, I'm sorry I meant Extreme RulesReplyDelete
I live here and can't bring myself to go to that ppvReplyDelete
King beat Petey with the Royal Flush?!ReplyDelete
Lloyd!.....PETEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A HEAD!
Harry... I took care of itReplyDelete
Yeah right.. Where'd you hear that? The dirtsheets??ReplyDelete
If Suicide is coming, then why not Glacier as well?ReplyDelete
Coincidentally, TNA also stands for Tits N' Ass.ReplyDelete
The more you know...
So Roodes gone from world champ to jerking the curtain with Chavo? He must have walked in on Hulk fingering Brooke or something.ReplyDelete
Hey look... incest jokes don't sit well with me. I'm one of those guys who don't approve of what Austin Aries did to Christy Hemme.ReplyDelete
If you're not in the loop, Christy Hemme got dry-face-humped by Austin Aries.
Was not my intention to offend, so sorry for thatReplyDelete
Dude, you totally aren't living up to your "Satan" label.ReplyDelete
Did anyone else catch the ref in the X-Division match wearing a Kangol hat?!ReplyDelete
Some good this week, but generally felt lacklustre. Ah well, can't all be winners.ReplyDelete
Joseph Park is still a main reason to watch.
I think you've nailed itReplyDelete
That is the dorky "refer-eye", or whatever they are calling it these days. I don't even remember them going to a shot of that during the match, so I don't know what the point of it is, except to try and embarrass the x-division a little more.ReplyDelete
If Sting loses he never gets another title shot? Does that make Bully Ray the face?ReplyDelete
Woo! Either they're going to hotshot the strap to Sting for no reason or Sting is going to join AJ in the mopey dope club for losing their chances to go for the title.ReplyDelete
Probably no one in Tupelo. I love how TNA is hitting up all the old WCW and WWF Superstars towns so far in their TV run.ReplyDelete
Going to be interesting to see how they do in Tampa next week, as they're running a 10,000 seat building (probably set up for 7K with their stage).
I figured he wasn't being serious seeing as he is the biggest sexual deviant on here...ReplyDelete
Only if he calls out Brooke after the match and sings Kirk Van Houten's classic 'Can I Borrow a Feeling?'ReplyDelete
That sucks if Sting loses because we know that in wrestling anytime something is billed as "Never Again" or "Forever" that it indeed stays that way until the very end of time.ReplyDelete
TNA: We suck in a little less time than Monday Night RAW!ReplyDelete
How close is Tampa to Orlando? If it's close enough, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the old Impact Zone faithful make the trek.ReplyDelete
And even if it's a bit of a trek, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them made it.
About an hour and a half drive.ReplyDelete
Yeah, probably about 1.25 to 1.5 hours from where the Impact Zone is (Universal) to the arena for Thursday's show (USF). I'd imagine that there will be some old Impact Zone regulars... they've been pushing the show hard here locally with Hogan's restaurant being on the beach in Tampa, running ads during Raw, etc.ReplyDelete
Ah ok. I thought it as one of those deals where a ref was trying to be different. Like when Slick Johnson wore shorts to ref.ReplyDelete
I can't remember if he used it before, but I liked Sting's like about "you should break my leg, gouge out my eyes, etc, because if you don't do it to me....I'm going to do it to you" The way he delivered it made me forget he's pushing 60 for a minute there.ReplyDelete
AJ's motivation is that he put the company on his back for years, and now he realizes that it's gotten him nothing. Daniels/Kaz and Claire Lynch smeared his name and Hogan put a goofy stip on him that he can't have a title shot until BFG, and it depresses him. So he's done bothering with being a company man.ReplyDelete
I think it does need some fleshing out but that's the backbone of it.
That pretty well sums it up. Destined to spin his wheels for a year, after being doubted and sullied by those close to him (and the fans, allegedly) for the bulk of 2012.ReplyDelete
Just kidding. I'm Satan.ReplyDelete
I've got to admit that, the first couple weeks of Parks "looking for his brother" (way back in March of last year), I didn't realize it was Abyss until I saw a still photo of him. I just thought it was some independent guy they brought in.ReplyDelete
The guy has done a stellar job changing his mannerisms to actually seem like someone else.
I've also got to give major props to TNA for sticking with it. This is the type of thing that could have easily been over in a few months, but has gone over a year.
Favorite line from Wreck-It-RalphReplyDelete